James Ballantyne

Tag: pain

  • Its time to realise our wonderful bodies

    My body is wonderful

    And so is yours

    Have you ever noticed?

    Said those words, to yourself?

    Thought of your body as wonderful? Just as it is?

    Its no more wonderful larger, smaller, fitter, leaner, younger or older

    Because it is wonderful, just as it is.

    Have you ever noticed? Or stopped to?

    Then do so

    Why not try now?

    As you read this, with your mind open, wriggle your toes

    Feel your bones move, each one

    Your ankle and foot

    What is happening in your body as you wriggle your toes?

    Can you feel the movement? Can you tell?

    Your body is so wonderful it doesn’t tell you what it has to do every time you wriggle your toes

    or walk

    Every bone, cartridge, joint, muscle, tendon, all the fluids and skin

    As you read, your eyes watching, feelings deep within.

    That you can hear the noise of traffic outside as you do so

    your mind wondering

    did you forget your toes? Wriggle them again

    wriggle them fast, slow, and feel.

    Seems ridiculous doesnt it

    but thats the point

    To feel our bodies.

    Why is ridiculous? We all have them, bodies. (unless you’re a robot reading this, and you’ve been made by a body)

    What else about your body is wonderful….

    all of it

    Trying to escape from them, keeps the pain in them

    Tormenting the body, to feel pain

    Shame, blame, pain locked deep within, a carcass we thought nothing of.

    Our bodies are wonderful

    For what they are

    Sense it, enjoy it, feel it

    Its easy to forget, our body

    As just a tool to house our ever thinking mind

    As just a tool to pummel in the gym or working the land

    A tool to create life

    Reducing our body to a machine.

    As men, our gaze is often outwards to see the beauty in the female form

    But what about ourselves?

    Or the physical specimens of the sportsters and athletes, and we feel we cannot compare.

    So lets not.

    Lets give our bodies more healthy attention.

    Yes yours, and mine.

    A body so beautiful and complex, we will never understand, but we don’t need to

    Bodies housing all that shame, expectation, fear, guilt and pain, its no wonder we think so little of them.

    Undervalued by religion, the object of advertisers desires.

    Your body is wonderful, and so is mine.

    What it does and how it is held together, and how it thinks, feels, sense and communicates.

    Its never to late to start to love yourself for who you are, not just what you do, accomplish or create, but who you are, body included.

    Awaken the love of your body, listen to it breathe, feel it as it moves.

    Breathe life into it, feed it time, not just food.

    Treasure it, love it.

    Do the ridiculous thing, and think of yourself as having a wonderful body

    Try it…

    Stop reading…

    Wriggle your toes…and smile.

    And realise, just wonderful your body is.

    Though if you wanted to read more on this, try The Body keeps the Score by Van Der Kolk, or The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

  • Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Its ok for men to cry

    Is said often. But I was wondering whether its said too often, without any thought about the complexity of this.

    I wonder if it’s said too easily.

    I wonder if women need to hear this message too.

    So its not just men who need to hear that its ok to cry.

    But its not just ok for men to cry. It should be ok for men and women to express their emotions.

    It should be ok, but often it isnt.

    Its not just men that have trouble expressing emotions.

    Its not just men but women too who have been unable to express emotions because its has been unsafe too, since birth often.

    Cant get them out.

    Cant show them

    Cant be seen to be not in control

    Cant be ‘not the stable one’

    Cant be the one who has to rely on others

    Cant be the one that doesn’t look like they are coping.

    Cant be the one who is vulnerable

    Cant be the one who isnt holding things together

    Because. Men do cry.

    They cry when their team gets relegated.

    They cry at movies

    They cry.. with other men, when..everyone is crying.

    So they do cry.

    But maybe its that we men find it difficult to cry about something relating to ourselves, or..in front of the people who we’re meant to be responsible for, emotionally.

    Its not as straight forward as to say that its ‘Ok for men to cry’ – we need to ask why, and not blame men if they cant

    Tears are good- and it shouldn’t be judgemental for men to cry

    Its ok to acknowledge and feel the pain, when it hurts

    In fact, we need to feel it.

    Feel the pain of being unloved, neglected or abused, by parents or partner

    Feel the pain of death, grief and loss

    Feel the pain of bereavement, unemployment, and yes the disappointment of the football team.

    Its ok to feel

    Its never ok to take that feeling out on others.

    thats why we need to feel the feeling differently, by feeling it.

    Want to be a strong man? Then manage your emotions and self.

    Its not ok to try and hold things together whilst wounding everyone around.

    So…let me ask..

    Who were your emotionally aware role models? When were you given the opportunity to begin to master your emotions healthily?

    I wasnt – but were you?

    Not until therapy a few years ago.

    Where might you start now? A therapist? A book like ‘The Power of now’ – its just a start remember..but maybe start..

    Men, its ok to have emotional needs, and wants and to admit it – as it is for Women too

    Its ok to stop and feel

    Its more than ok.

    Its more than ok and be the best version of you, that is real, that feels, from deep

    Its ok to let your body feel. To let it well up, and start to feel it.

    Maybe its not that Men, or women are ok to cry – but more to clock where and when they do.

    There are those who really cant though, and if you’ve followed my stories above, you wouldn’t be surprised to know that some peoples tears ive seen are crocodile at best.

    Tears cleanse. They release. Bringing out emotion from the heart.

    Maybe thats it too. We’re ok too cry when our team is relegated, but not if we’re heart broken by loss or bereavement.

    Maybe Healing for Men is about realising that those phrases are complicated. Of course its ok that men cry, healing and being the best version of ourselves is about being closer to the pain of our bodies, our emotions, and learning to accept, feel and manage our emotions.

    And yes, often we can be in charge of others emotions, but have barely stopped to deal with our own.

    Maybe its time to not pretend that we’re ok any longer. To avoid, run or try and bulldoze our way through the pain.

    Maybe its time to start working on ourselves

    For our sake. Because we can do better.

    Because we can love ourselves, even if we’re trying to after not being loved.

    We can feel feelings too. I can feel feelings too.

    Learning to cry, and be angry…also means we can feel the happy, the joy and the pleasure alot more easily, and dont you want that in your life too?

    Our emotions can be rollercoasters, and thats ok, staying on a level plane is causing us more pain.

    Take a moment.

    To feel.

    The real you.

  • Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    I realised something the other day, Im quite enjoying the football at Euro 2020 (in 2021, but you know, Covid etc) , and its not just having the crowds back in, or just from yesterdays two thrilling games of 14 goals with France, Switzerland , Spain and Croatia. But its something else. I cant even watch much of it, with no TV or license, and im not listening to Radio 5 either.

    I realised that I’m not needing the football this year.

    There have been two fairly constant aspect of my life since I was a young teenager, Faith has been one of them, and football has been another. (Some would argue that food has too, but maybe thats for another story)

    I needed football. Football took me on emotional roller coasters

    It shaped my yearly calendar, the end of the season was also summer, then a tournament.

    It gave me an outlet.

    It also gave me a space to hide away.

    I could literally shut out everything and everyone else to focus on football.

    I still can.

    But it gave me an escape.

    I needed it for its drama, and I needed the journey of a summer tournament of the existential hope of an England tournament victory to keep me going.

    So when they got knocked out, usually by penalties, usually by Germany, it wasnt just the end of hope. It was the return, for a few months of real life. I needed football. Its role in my life was 90 minutes each evening on my teenage bed listening to Radio 5, the soothing noise of people commentating.

    It was painful when England lost, when my team (Man Utd lost), because something in me needed them to be a source of joy, of hope, of belief.

    I needed it as a distraction, a drug, a hope, to be a fan, and yet ive tried to give it up in the past, but sometimes it was a safe place, a distraction. Time away from somewhere unsafe and toxic and Radio 5 in the earphones walking the dog, or driving the car. The filling of my head of a different noise to drown out the pain.

    What I discovered, through a breakdown, a complete life rebuild from scratch and in the recovering and understanding of trauma was that I could just have carried on on that cycle of adding further activity to the mind and life, and not deal with the actual need. What I needed was less of the other, and more attention to me. I can enjoy football more, now, because I dont need it.

    As I said in my first piece on this blog, I get the obsession, I get the need. I get the use of football for men to talk about which is safe. And I know there are some good people in football who are talking about football and mental health, depression and dealing with significant life problems, like Mark Goldbridge for one, and on his United Stand there are always many people who thank him for talking about Mental Health, and being real about emotions.

    I still like football. But if you feel like you need it, as an escape, a distraction from things in your life that you aren’t choosing to deal with, then, even after basking in an England win over Germany this evening, maybe listen to that voice, that inner voice inside that gnawing away at you, as it gnawed away at me. If its masking a pain, then maybe its time to say out loud what that pain is, acknowledge it, whether its abuse, neglect, shame, guilt, drink or drug problems, maybe its time to stop and listen, and begin life, that includes football, and includes a you that is healthier. Football isnt a therapist, unlike a therapist, or a dog might be.