Not the ‘I should have done this’ ‘ I could have prevented something happening’ kind of guilt – when there is grief – a bit like this
But more, like , that feeling when you’re expected by other people to feel grief for the loss of something – and yet you have nothing?
Like, that feeling when you’re meant to feel loss and pain – and you’d feel like you were pretending to feel anything close like that?
Like, that feeling when you then feel guilty for ‘not’ feeling the way others might do about a situation, when actually that feeling of grief – is no where to be found?
Grief-guilt.
Guilt for not feeling grief – when somehow you’re supposed to feel grief – because the person who is talking to you would feel grief…
Guilt for not being able to muster up any sense of emotional feeling – because, there is nothing.
Grief-guilt – because Im meant to feel something?
I know what grief feels like, feelings that overcome, that aching, of missing something and someone. Just shitty tears. Shitty tears that hurt.
Love filled tears of loss, of someone I loved, and loved me back.
Grief reserved for those for whom there is love.
As I watched ‘The Boy called Christmas’, something was helpfully revealed to me
Grief is the price we pay for love. And it is worth it, a thousand times over
Matt Haig (A Boy Called Christmas, on Netflix now)
It is.
Grief is the price we pay for love.
So – what happens when there wasn’t actually love?
Grief may just be hard to find?
‘You’ll miss them when they’re gone’ Some people often say.
If you’ve not walked the path of toxic, narcissist, psychopathic parents – who ‘look’ like ‘nice’ people to everyone else – you dont really know.
And by the way – they haven’t died…
But I have taken huge steps in the last 2 years to remove them from my life.
And bring others into the collective space of seeing them for who they are, and have always been ..forever.
And they have, and do.
Which has been really hard work – and no doubt many of you have stopped reading what I write… its painful stuff, I’m sure.
So I don’t feel grief for the loss of the relationship with my parents – even though im possibly meant to, because , I think Matt Haig nailed it – Grief is the price we pay for love.
If there was a relationship in the first place – there would be something to grieve over.
But its always been the way it always has been.
There was no ‘way things were’ – so there was no ‘restoration’ or ‘reconciliation’ – fine ideals, and even manipulative standpoints – a broken relationship implies that there was actually something.
I might grieve the person of myself who had to hide for decades under the shroud of trauma – though that person is feeling safe to play again, to live and love
I might grieve the lost time
I might grieve the love I didn’t have , especially when I see it in others – and know that its ok
But it’s ok not to feel that actual tear stained, shitty, painful grief for those who have abused us, the caregivers who were meant to do more. I think we need to say this. It’s ok.
Save the grief for those we actually loved, and who loved us back in truth. Those who natured and protected us, for even glimpses in our lives.
We have enough actual feelings to feel, to notice and accept – the grief for those who we have actually lost, loved ones – that forcing feelings (to avoid shame) doesnt feel right at all.
So grief-guilt – can go its merry way and jump the hell off.
Permission to not feel grief. Permission to tell the grief guilt to be dispelled.
None of us need to force grief, or be forced to. It’ll happen if it happens.
So what do I actually feel?
I feel peace. I feel free. I feel safe. I feel big.
Vindication is a hard fought battle.
I might feel relief.
Maybe ‘Grilief’ is a more appropriate word.
The combination of grief and relief – if theres grief at all.
As a youth worker you get to hear alot of stories and moral panics about abusive or absent Dads, and the effect this has on children. It is often in regard to the behaviour of those children, especially in education or criminal contexts. Theres a cry for ‘better role models‘ – assuming that parental role models aren’t good enough. It is easy to blame the parents.
The same rhetoric was used in those ‘christian’ mid nineties evangelical circles too that I grew up in, anyone else remember the ‘Even if your Dad was ______, God is a perfect father’ type stuff. Usually the reference to a Dad being abusive or absent. Strange thing then, that during those times there was little critique on that ‘perfect’ father sending a son to die.
I digress, and the discussion on absent or abusive fathers doesn’t really need repeating here, only to note how pejorative it is, and only too often, sadly and tragically, how common this is, and with the misuse of concepts like ACES*, children and young people are predicted behaviour and outcomes based on this in state settings, and barely given a chance to be different at times.
But my experience is different. And so might yours be.
What about a boy raised by an abused Dad?
Ive just tried googling images for ‘Abused Dad’ – have a guess at what I found?
This:
Note what emerges.
Article and article about Abusive Dads and Fathers. men who abuse their wives, their children, who dominate, hit, provoke, sexually abuse, financially abuse and the list terrifyingly goes on…..
Not Dads who are abused themselves.
I watched this a few weeks ago
In the TED talk above, Justin reflects on the qualities of his Dad, and how growing up he was determined to be different – Justin didnt want to be soft, kind and gentle – only to realise later that these were good qualities to have, and were part of his core.
So I pose myself the question; What kind of a Man did I learn from my own Dad?
Let’s start with the positives – everyone, outside, and some inside the family love my Dad. He would do anything for anyone, mostly in a practical way – fixing, decorating, making, constructing, he is softly spoken and rarely impulsive. He worked hard, and didnt cause or create any stress or drama.
But the rest of the time, he was a ghost. He was belittled and devalued, and threatened, walking on eggshells all the time. He could only obey the other parent, becoming the flying monkey, the accomplice, completely untrustworthy. He tolerated being lied to, by someone who was gaslighting him all the time. I dont remember him ever expressing his needs, ideas or dreams, and was told what to do nearly all the time. His invisibility extended to offering almost no nurturing or protection at all – deferring everything to the other parent, someone so sunk that they couldn’t be a healthy father figure at all. One who conceded.
I could go on, as there is more, and none of this is to be critical of him – given the extent of the manipulation he has suffered – this is more to reflect on what its like being Male, and a Dad, and growing up with an Abused Dad.
For one, there is almost nothing to read on this – even some of the emotionally ‘immature’ parent books defer to general characteristics of dominating Dad figures – and as I said above – try doing a google search.
Boys or Girls and their Abusive Mother figure may come up, but what are the effect on a child of their abused Dad?
What kind of Man/Masculinity did I see, and experience growing up?
Someone passive to women or others needs – no regard of their own
Someone with no role with their children
Someone with no voice
Someone weak
Someone who accepted being lied and pretended to
Someone who is weaponised by the other
Just a tool for someone else to get what they want.
I reflect on these, not with anger or bitterness, not with remorse or grief, but a sense of being in the process of understanding what the effect of an abused male care-giver had on my life – and not just an abusive female role-care giver. The abused dad rarely gets talked about, hen-pecked might be a mild term for emotionally manipulated.
I think what i’m trying to come to terms with is how challenging it is to try and talk about this, ‘some dads are abused too’ ..’some men are abused in domestic abuse relationships’ ‘some boys have emotionally abused fathers too’ – and what’s likely is that these situations are so likely to go under the radar. As that boy, might be kind, sensitive and attuned to the needs of others – and not themselves, that boy might be more likely bullied than a bully, that boy might like the quiet life, that boy might have issues with women – or find themselves in relationships with dominating women, that boy might struggle in a number of ways, but those ways might not be as evident as they dont fit the stereotype, if stereotypes are there to be fitted into anyway. They’re unlikely to be loud in a crowd and make a scene – getting attention.
That boy, might also struggle to know ‘how to be a man’ ….
When the female parent once told me to ‘stand up for myself’ it was ironic in that that was something she wouldn’t allow to happen to her, by my Dad. Stand up against bullies…but not the one in the home… a man is never right, a man always gives way, a man doesn’t have an opinion… oh and I knew I would have been punished had I hit that boy back….
I heard the advice as a teenager; ‘At least you’ll know how to treat a woman, given the way your Dad is‘ or words to that effect, and from a trusted source I internalised this, probably too much – to the detriment of treating myself, and being passive, putting myself lowest emotionally on the pecking order, because as I reflect I wonder how much that person saw and knew, and with the benefit of hindsight, the behaviour that has occurred 30 odd years since.
I reflect on also on the question of how all these things, and more, might be similar to children who grow up with the experience of their mum being emotionally, physically, sexually or spiritually abused, and what that is like for them, and whilst I clock it here as being highly significant and impactful in their life. This isn’t , as I say my experience, but I want to note it – and whilst its significantly more common, it doesn’t make it any less damaging on the child – this is in no way a comparison piece, but something I wanted to recognise.
There are plenty of cold maternal figures in the world, and plenty of female narcissists/psychopaths that go under the radar, yet alot rise in politics, business and also the church, and yet their damage to the men in relationships (and other females in their friendships) as well as their children is being more and more well known. What we don’t want to talk about is that Mothers have are cold, colder than ice, with only pretence of warmth, if that. So what might that mean for the Male parent, and how being the victim of domestic abuse , has on they children they have? – especially for their boys? What about the children, the boys, who get caught up the female narcissists loyalty games against that abused Dad? What kind of male/masculinity does that boy grow up with? What kind of insecurities might they have to deal with? What did I? The list is extensive – alot of written about already in my story above.
For the Boys growing up with Abused Dads – what is that like for you? What resources have you found to be helpful in this? Have you found some good articles on this – please do share them below, it would be great to have comments and conversation on this, if you want to get in touch and share a story or piece on this, do let me know.
And, to finish with that theological premise at the beginning, I can’t help but wonder what kind of God I internalised given the association that was made between earth and heaven Father figures.
Maybe this is a conversation we need to have – whats it like growing up with an abused Dad?
*ACES – Adverse Childhood Experiences
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A few months ago I wrote a piece about the myths that surround in regard to parents – myths like ‘Parents love you whatever’ or ‘Mums are so supportive’ that do nothing for anyone who’s experience of parents is vastly different to this, to the point of being abusive, physically, emotional, sexually or spiritually (or a combination of all of these), they do more than nothing, they give these parents an already sympathetic starting point. If you want to have a read of that piece, it is here ; The myths about parents that prevent abuse from being believed.
You see the thing is, when youve known that your parents have been awful from an early age, you get the opportunity to respond to alot of ‘well-meaning’, sometimes trite, sometimes misadvised comments from people, who might be trying to help, without actually knowing the situation.
Sometimes these phrases do no more than pile on heaps of guilt and shame – that somehow I was to blame about the way my parents are, or were towards me, or they sort of encourage a kind of grief/guilt – that somehow I ‘should’ feel this way about my parents…but I don’t.
Maybe these are things ‘not’ to say to a child who is known to have difficult parents. Maybe these are things not to say to an adult child who is now able to deal with those parents, or even to grandchildren who have worked out their grandparents. Most of them I have heard in one form or another.
They can’t be that bad…because you turned out ok
They could have been worse
Your Poor parents having to deal with you
At least they stayed together when other couples didnt
You only get one set of parents
You’ll miss them when they’re gone, trust me
At least you have 1 decent parent
Of course they’re not perfect, you have too high expectations – go easy on them
Considering their past, they did their best
Look at what they did for you, kept you fed, and watered
You’re meant to honour them, the Bible says so.
You have to learn to forgive them
One day you’ll realise they were right all along (isnt that what they say about Dads?)
You’ll grow up and accept them as you get older.
Is it fair for your children to miss out on their grandparents?
Can you see how harmful some of these comments are? Ive received nearly all of them over the course of the 43 years of responding and trying to deal with my parents.
Some of these reflect how the person has been manipulated by the parents already (3), some of them reflect how that person might feel about their parents (6) others reflect a moral/spiritual imperative (11,12) that then requires some unpacking to not take on that shame and guilt.
Some of them seem to want to blame the child – that somehow they are responsible for their parents (8)
And some reflect that being grateful means that parents fulfilled a legal requirement , to be fed, watered and have somewhere to sleep (2, 10)
And obviously, the way I grew up and became who I am has something to do with them. (1) Gees, thanks for that one, they stole enough without that credit. What if children raised by narcissist parents got somewhere..despite them? not because of them. Yeah. Exactly. Because that’s the only way, or its a pile of self destruction and torment, or both.
It could be easy to say 9. But then again, thats like saying that every action they took for an entire parenthood can be attributed to their own childhood. And not everyone who grew up a baby boomer, or had a difficult childhood, or even an entitled one, is necessarily a bad parent. Some do the work. Some take responsibility.
And for number 5. Yes, you’re right… but your point is?
and 15… difficult one, but protecting them from harm is more important than toxicity and gifts.. isnt it?
Lets deal with number 6. Are you sure about that? Actually really sure? – didnt think so…
So maybe, if you have good parents, maybe if you’ve got amazing parents, maybe if your parent is your best friend, then do have a think about the effect of the well meaning saying on someone who really doesn’t have that kind of relationship with a parent. Someone, who maybe has had to do alot of work to create their own safe distance from their parents. Someone who has had to undergo the emotional torment of parent stuff for a very long time.
And that leads me on to number 14. This one is the only possible true one. Because growing up does happen, seeing them, even clearer does happen, accepting them does happen too, as does accepting that they are unlikely to change, they get worse (as Nina Brown describes) , and accepting and spending time with them are two vastly different things.
So from someone who has struggled alot with their parents, and heard many if not all of these things and more about what I’m expected to do, or feel about my parents, i thought I would write a few of these sayings down, because they are so common, so often said, and just want to say that you dont have to accept your parents, or like them, or put yourself in a place where they do not respect you. You are valuable, and can create situations to protect yourself from them.
And, sometimes its about biting your tongue, or giving that look to anyone who gives you the gift of the well meaning, but harmful phrase like above.
This piece was inspired by this one from Peg Streep ; 8 things not to say from someone estranged from a parent in it she writes the following about children who have to protect themselves from their parents, effectively estranging them and blocking them. I like what she says in response to my number 11 :
The taboo has the back-up of a Biblical Commandment which enjoins us to honor our mothers and fathers as well as deeply-held ideas about filial obligation and the never-ending gratitude we are supposed to feel for those who put us on the planet or took us in; who fed, clothed, sheltered, and educated us; and paid for all of those things. Since those happen to be legal requirements, it’s actually not snarky to note that if that were all that is required of a parent, an orphanage would be an ideal one.
Even though recent psychological research substantiates that the decision by the adult child to estrange from family is long thought-out and a process that may include periods of attempted reconciliation by the adult child, the culture still frames it as a fit of pique or anger and a sign of immaturity. In researching my books—over a decade now—I have found the decision to estrange as is almost always deeply thought through, worried about, and revisited in the thousands of people I have heard from over the years; these stories echo my own.
If you want to read more on this subject then I do recommend the books in the self-help resources section of this site, especially Nina Brown and Lindsay Gibsons, and also, in the process of seeing, realising, and loving yourself through the challenges of emotionally abusive parents, do seek out professional therapy to help you to reconstruct, and rebuild through it.
Feel free to share and like this piece to help others. Thank you
‘You’re just so ungrateful – after all I’ve done for you’
In my previous piece I talked about how my abusive caregiver in the way in which they cooked food, often would create inedible food, that actually could be damaging to eat, making the food so uncomfortable, that expressing gratitude or thanks was an act of fakery.
But toxic gratefulness wasn’t just food.
To keep a narrative about being ‘poor’ and working for a faith, and gaining sympathy from people – sympathy they also rejected, my parents specialised in the distribution of valueless, token, ill thought through gifts.
For 50 years.
At the time the gifts stunned and often brought tears to us as children, as well as our cousins too. They were countless items over the years – Christmas and Birthdays nearly always were tinged with some level of crushing disappointment. The specific item ‘wanted’ was instead replaced by one that was ‘needed’ without any care or deliberation.
And as children we were then punished for not being grateful for them.
It didnt stay as children.
My wedding present from my parents, was their second hand car, that they then expected us to pay for. They didnt want to give something on the wedding list as it wasnt what they wanted to give, so they didnt actually give anything.
A fiat Uno , G reg, but black.. that was my first car.
A few years later they said they wanted to pay for a pushchair/buggy for my oldest child, but in going to pay for it, in Durham mother care, the parent asked about ‘keeping the receipt, in case anything doesn’t work out with the baby’.
How can you be grateful when you are stunned by the awfulness? And yet, what do you do? In a public place – when they then make a big deal of ‘giving’ the pushchair in front of the till.
Food has already been mentioned. Though Toxic gratefulness occurred regularly, when theres ‘gifts’ given of food. The open cardboard box of reduced items in the supermarket they scavenged, or were going to waste, that they ‘bring’ – and ‘give’ at the front door. Yeah great.
The problem with all of this, even now, is that I start to sound ‘ungrateful’
And that’s it.
When we dare criticise them for how they have behaved towards us in any way. Not only do they selectively not remember. (and they do this often)
They hide behind, ‘telling the truth ‘ – I was just telling the truth to the cashier..
Or
the ultimate
‘You’re just being ungrateful, I did lots of things… you just dont realise how difficult you were’
‘You’re just being ungrateful, you have no idea how much I sacrificed for you‘
Toxic gratefulness. Though there must be a different word for it. It what gets banded out when the abusive one feels under threat, when their generosity is questioned.
Oh its my fault that you cant be generous now is it?
or
‘You have too high expectations‘ – Well if having awareness and empathy and value for others is ‘too high an expectation’..then..
or..the classic
‘I cant change who I am‘ ; Agreed, but why are you threatened when your awful behaviour is pulled up?
Because. The truth that they aren’t actually generous would hurt if they could even see themselves. But the reality is, is that they’re in such a deluded reality that they can’t see themselves anyway, not beyond their ego, and how the world is there for their taking and getting.
So they give minimally or not at all, or with the emotional loading attached like breadcrumbs from the table, or to try and hoover you back into their orbit, by their pretence of ‘being nice’.
I cant remember the age, but I think it was about 8, the birthday party at my house. the one where I only asked for one thing on the table, I didnt want a cake. I wanted a Black Forest gateaux. (yes it was 1986) They were in a supermarket. They cost £3 probably. Do you think I got one?
guess again?
Instead I got a two layer chocolate sponge homemade with some cream and cherry pie filling on it. Glorioulsy announced in front of my friends. Her version.
Where do you go apart from hide, or want to cry. Our birthdays, were their show.
‘Youre too hard on your mum, my friends would say as they laughed the next day at school, that case tasted yum’ It had no taste.
I didnt want large birthdays or parties, because I didnt want them to be at them. Since 8 (ish) I avoided them.
That they created birthday scenarios, and invited themselves to them, for both my 18th and 40th, and made everything so uncomfortable , not respecting or listening to me, was another thing. Having said I didnt want something, they did it anyway, because they felt they had the ‘right to’ and I had to be ‘grateful’ for something I didnt want, and be violated.
I learned to tune out. Go into the survival zone. It was the only way to cope. It’s like a surreal moment when time goes so so slow, every breath takes 40 seconds and your desperate to need to go pee every 2 mins just to get out of there. Its awfulness upon awfulness. Yet smile, as you don’t want to appear grateful, or that this isnt walking on eggshells or all a game that they’re publicly doing. Let’s not be an ungrateful Trophy child.
Which, by the way, they were rude to the service staff, and I had to pay the tip, for the thing they wanted to do, for my birthday.
I really do sound ungrateful. Dont I.
But thats just the thing. Every scenario is insidious, uncomfortable, disrespectful, and example upon example of awful behaviour that wounds, hurts, manipulates, and abuses. To start listing them, makes me out to be bitter. So, where is this kind of thing exposed? Do those who suffer this kind of awfulness from their parents have to suffer in silence?
Emotional abuse is so difficult to quantify, as is narcissistic abuse.
The penny drops eventually.
The penny drops in that you get to realise over a lifetime, that when there are things that might be considered worth being grateful for, they do these things for a show ‘ look at us spoiling you now, dont ask for this again’ and then that gifts are rarely so, the penny drops that they struggle to be generous in gift giving, because they struggle to actually be nice at all. Gifts are to create toxic gratitude. A show for them.
Its not just the stick that abuses, but the absence of anything resembling warmth, empathy, generosity and kindness. Its a kind of emotional neglect.
So, when I point out the examples above, they are because these are the stories that are most memorable, but lets not get me started on the myriad of others, or the drip drip of the dementor like taking presence in between.
Surviving psychopathic parenting, left a lasting effect on me, that over the last year im only beginning to understand. Gratefulness was one of the moral armouries used as a weapon.
Its hard to write about gratefulness without being… well you know. So no wonder as a child its a weapon.
What about in your case? Is this something you have experience of?
Its only when I share the stories that I realise how awful it was. So thats why I share. So that you can start to see and heal too.
If you’re reading this and its beginning a chain of thoughts in your head about your parents, or partner, then do seek support and a therapist, especially someone who can understand emotional abuse and trauma. There are resources on emotionally immature and narcissistic parenting in the resources section above, do check them out too.
It sometimes feels an effort to have fun – dont you think? well it does for me
Nothing is stopping me, I can do what I want, So what cant I?
But then I started to realise why… its those voices in my head, the critical ones, the sensible ones…these ones…
‘Are you boys having fun?’
Came the voice of the abuser to me, on a number of times, its often at a time when I have actually been having fun.
Its tone was accusatory. It was as if ‘fun’ was not allowed.
Fun was ‘found out’ – look you couldn’t hide it from me, you were having fun
Secret fun.
You doing have fun without me, you don’t have fun in this house,
Isnt there something more useful you should be doing… like meeting my needs instead?
Fun guilt.
‘Just dont make a mess’
Fun now has to be clean, organised, tidy.
‘I didnt say dont have fun, just keep the noise down’
I gave up fun, fun was no fun..
Another factor in the fun thing for me is the church thing.
Growing up evangelical – meant having conditional fun, and being judgemental on other peoples fun
‘Look at us having fun without alcohol’ – at a barn dance that is excruciatingly painful in 1991 with other ‘young people’ who are finding it excruciatingly painful watching their parents dance and look as though they are pretending to be having fun and its just so awful. Then to be forced to dance. URGH.
It wasnt just sex, drugs and rock and roll that were banned – it was anything that was the gateway to any of these things, school discos, pop music, smoking (anything) ..- we dont do what they do…
Fun for me as a teenager was doing ‘christian fun’ – what was allowed – the christian music festival – and yet even there I struggled to have fun, because I was so un easy about having fun, with the exception of sports, just dont get me to dance, or draw
Problem is in a context of what is and what isnt allowed….nothing seems much fun
If Fun is about doing something for the sake of it, doing something that might be boundless, free, creative and spontaneous.. then I realise that part of rediscovering myself, and my inner child is about ‘having fun’ again
I can definitely see how having conditions on fun – meant that something wasnt fun
I can see now also that as part of the trauma of growing up with a psychopathic parent, that fun wasnt part of the deal, because more than not fun was about being responsible, staying alert. The only fun was to do the thing they wanted to do.
Theres only allowed fun in abusive narcissist prison.
Guilty for having fun? Shame for having the wrong kind of fun? Too responsible to have fun?
Too inhibited to get drunk, always needing to be aware, responsible and look after others..- yes
So when did I start to notice this, and realise it?
I notice all the time, id rather be serious, think about serious things, learn, write (like this), digest the news (see previous post), and even some hobbies can feel like a performance, competitive…
I really noticed about fun when I asked my inner child what he wanted to do that was fun – and then actually do it
It was my inner child that wrote what it above.
I noticed too when it felt a momentous action to pick up a felt tip pen and make a messy splurge on a piece of paper.
Dont make a mess, stick to the lines, you cant draw, dont be silly, that’s silly…voices in my head, every time
Be a grown up, dont be childish, whats the point, haven’t you something more responsible, or helpful to do – like write a blog or check twitter or tidy, or…
I realise that its a struggle to ‘have fun’ – when the voices in my head, the critical parent – from the sources of those critical voices, abusive people and excessively moral churches – have been so dominant, and Ive been conditioned to comply, to fit, and found belonging or a trauma bond in compliance.
Overthinking fun makes it a struggle to have fun at all.
Just need to do it.
So one of those things is that fun is guided.
What do I do now for fun? new things that ive never been interested in before… and also new things I didnt know I could do before, as well as some of the old things like trains, cycling and growing food, but also photography,
Walks, and after those occasions a few months ago, now experimenting with drawing, art and self discovery in drawing, colours, and art – something I left behind as a child. Learning to be creative will be another piece, but at this stage, just to say that ive discovered something fun in stuff that I thought I couldn’t do or hated as a child. Its like an unlocking.
PICK UP THE PENS JAMES. JUST DO IT..so..
Heres something I drew yesterday, just for fun….and with both hands simultaneously…
Safety is so important in the pursuit of creativity – unless you dont give a fuck about what it is you’re creating and potentially upsetting in the process
So often emotional abuse resolves around the shameful control of behaviour and that includes ‘what is allowed as fun’
Often those who cannot have fun project rules onto those so it prevents them from doing so.
I do find it a struggle to have fun.
Maybe thats an ‘adult thing’ – but I’m more sure its a recovery from narcissistic abuse thing too. Life was about survival – and fun doesnt play a part – (maybe except outside the prison walls)
A few thoughts on Fun:
I can relate. When you’ve been fighting for justice or for survival all your life, it doesn’t take much to be content. A safe place to live, some peace and quiet, can be enough for a while. Your idea of fun might just change a bit. (Ryan on Twitter @Ryan_Daigler)
I think I feel guilty for enjoying myself? And also sometimes in the past bad things have happened to others whilst I’ve been out enjoying myself so there’s that.(Lydia @Lydimoo)
and someone trying to..
I promised myself I would do fun things while I’ve got all my evenings to myself during the school holidays. It’s not yet working out as planned, Ive killed alot of time playing games though (Helen @Helenmt)
Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.
Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)
Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.
Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.
When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.
Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.
On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.
Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…
Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.
So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.
Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.
What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.
The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.
Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.
It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.
In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.
You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
No Privacy
Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
Wont allow you to be yourself
Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.
Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.
I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.
Gaslighting
Walking on Eggshells
Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch
Having no empathy
Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship
Blaming others.
Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.
Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.
If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.
The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.
Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.
Ask yourself the question; ‘What book saved your life’?
If you are in anyway spiritual, then it might be likely that a sacred text, the Bible or the Ko’ran might be the book that went some way to saving your life.
But aside from a sacred text – can you name a book that , honestly, saved your life?
Not just a good book, an inspiring book, a book that you’d take on a desert island.. but a book that saved your life? That had that much impact on you, that it literally saved you. Some of the stuff Matt Haig writes has had a profound impact, as has the cartoons of Charlie Mackay – but could you name a book that saved your life?
I could.
It was the first book I read as I started to heal. It was this one
From the very first page, this book spoke in a language that I hadn’t heard before.
It told me about me.
It told me about what I had tried to cope with all my life.
It meant that I wasnt alone.
Nina makes these assumptions about the reader, writing on page 3:
You are an adult child who has one or more self-absorbed parents
You can feel ineffective much of the time in interactions with your parents
You have been given the responsibility for your parents psychological and emotional well being and, either now or in the future, are expected to assume responsibility for your parents physical well-being
You never feel that you have accomplished enough for your parent; what you do never seems to be good enough
You experience numerous difficult situations and interactions with your self absorbed parent
You are searching for ways to minimalist how your parents distressing behaviours and attitudes affect you
You want to intervene to protect those nearest to you, such as your children, from the negative and distressing comments, put downs, criticism and the like that your parent continues to make
Nina Brown, 2015
Now, im not saying that each and every one of these was applicable when I read this book over 2 years ago. Without giving anything away, some very significant things have happened to enable these things to have happened in the last year (which makes looking at this list now, quite remarkable)
But… over 2 years ago, this book saved my life.
It is undoubtedly, direct a book, with an amazing title, one I needed to hear.
It showed me that there were reasons why I reacted in the way I did.
I read it at a time to try and understand why I struggled with conflict. What I discovered was a whole lot more.
It showed me that how ever hard I had tried, it didnt matter.
It enabled me to see myself. It also helped me to assess how I had been treated.
And that it wasnt my fault.
The book has exercises (rate your parents self-absorbed nature), and gives different types of self absorption, as well as then describing the principle ways of responding (fight/flight/freeze) and offering alternatives.
In way some of those details did and didnt matter.
I think though the reason that this book saved me, what what it meant, for me. It meant that I wasnt alone.
It meant that I could be healed
It meant that I didnt have to carry a burden I had unnecessarily carried
It meant that a journey of healing had began.
Maybe the book that saved your life might be a different one. It’s likely to be. Maybe the first self-awareness book you read in the recovery from abuse might evoke the same feelings for you. Not only do I thank the book for what it did, but also thank the person who saw my situation and recognised the patterns and traits, and gave me the book to read.
‘Children of the ageing self absorbed’ by Nina Brown – The book that saved my life.
One of the ways of surviving emotionally immature parenting, in fact possibly the only way is to pretend.
Because, unless you fit into the role they have for you, you are in trouble. So, even if you don’t want to do something, you have to pretend, you have to lie to yourself.
And every time you do, your real self disappears just a little bit more.
So what was pretending like.
Pretending was putting on fake smiles in photos when the dreaded camera was used. Then awaiting the inevitable punishment for ruining the photo, especially if ‘the slide show’ was when they were revealed 6 weeks later, with house guests.
Pretending to respond with the right words, even if in saying them I knew they weren’t real.
When walking on emotional eggshells, the best way of surviving is staying calm. So pretending meant not being emotional, pretending meant going with the flow to keep the peace..when dying inside..trapped.
In was always aware that it felt like ‘other people’ felt things – but I didnt.
What I know now, is that I survived by not being me. Not being my core self. Nothing in my body or mind was going to let that be exposed.
So I pretended. Disconnected from what was real.
Its not just the psychopaths and narcissists who put on an act.
The survivors do to survive. To protect their heart. Protect themselves.
The weird thing is that looking back, my abusers didnt care about me being real, they were happy with me going through the motions, pretending.
I know I wasn’t good at pretending.
But it was what I had to do to survive.
Once children discover how self-disconnection takes away pain, they can use it for increasingly minor threats
(Lindsay C Gibson, 2019)
The healing part, is learning to reconnect with the parts of me I disconnected from. But thats for my healing journey..another time..
Thank you for reading, if you would like to read parts 1-8, they are in the menu above. There are resources in the menu and links to the books that have helped me.
The thing that surprised me, is that they put the card on display on top of the microwave (don’t ask) for all to see. I guess when you’re that entitled, you dont mind that your spouses Fathers day card is all about you.
One of the things that enabled me to survive was that I could see it, and on this occasion Clintons Cards conveyed what everyone was thinking.
Part of my survival story was that I knew.
Even If as a child I could do anything about it. I still knew.
Even if I couldn’t articulate it to others, I still knew.
Even if I was trapped in an emotional minefield, I knew.
So knowing meant that I could disengage.
It meant I knew that what they said I didn’t need to believe. What I could do was listen, but not take in what they said. Though I couldn’t do anything about what she said or did. I at least had made an intellectual decision not to accept it.
The shutting off had begun.
But also, so had the realisation of what I knew.
I survived from then on by staying in my head. That was the place that was safe. My head had worked things out. I had survived without emotional support (I was the rescuer of theirs remember).
Being able to discount them as useful, helpful or supportive was part of it too. But what I could see at that early age was the truth.
There was only 1 dominant force controlling all of our lives.
Though no one could do anything about it, and that person would be in denial of it. Everyone knew. That I knew helped me survive.
Breaking down in the last few years, meant getting in touch with what I left behind.
But knowing helped me survive.
Thank you for reading, Parts 1-7 are in the menu above. Do read and share if you think my story will help others. If you’d like to support me there are ways in the menu to the right, and theres resources also above in the menu, including links to books that have helped me.
(This blog is written by James and Christelle to accompany their latest video which is here, in which we ask the same question. We would like to prompt a conversation about this, and would like to hear from you and invite you into the conversation.)
This blog is dedicated to those who have supported us on our journey.
It is also for those whose hidden journeys are yet to be revealed.
Why?
Because we are wondering if there is a trend going on.
James; When I was first volunteering in Youth Ministry back in the 1990’s, there were a number of studies done about the difference in ‘generations’. The reason was that youth ministry then, and now, became about relevance. Discovering what each generational demographic was broadly like, became a guide, and marker. What we didn’t really hear about was stuff about the potential of generational trauma to be passed down from one generation to the next. Why do I say this?
Well..because…
It seems like there are a significant number of people in their mid/late 30s through to 50’s (Generation x born 1965-1980) who are undergoing a realisation of the emotional abuse/trauma from the parents who were born around 1945-1960 (the baby boomers)?
Why might that be?
We’re not sure that Generation X has hit ‘mid-life’ crises all at once.
‘Mid-life crisis’ ….doesn’t equate to the number of people who are having their eyes open to the realisation of the horror of the behaviour they were subjected to as children or adults, by their Baby boomer parents.
Descriptors like entitled, precious, favourite princess babies (after the war), narcissist, self obsessed, driven, also.. busy, aloof… are all words that fit the behaviour of many parents from the Baby Boomer generation.
Psychologists and counsellors have also said the same, in the following books.
Maybe its now when Generation X have had enough, and started to make different decisions, rather than accommodate abuse.
Instead its time to deal with it, by working on themselves.
Realising that they werent the problem all along.
Maybe, as in our own case, we realised that we played rescuer, and it was a role that was exhausting. It’s time to devolve that responsibility to those who should have it themselves. It’s easy to be forced into the rescue game for those who play victim and persecutor. Its ironic also, that generation X will continue to over stretch taking responsibility for an older generation as they age.
What caused it?
We could go further back and make an argument that the parents of Baby Boomers could be ‘at fault’ – but this isn’t about blame. Blaming upwards, or not taking responsibility, is what we’ve heard all our lives.
We are already the generation who has taken responsibility – by fighting on climate change, poverty, young people, equality and many other matters, we are already equipped with knowing that if it’s going to change, only we can change it. We’re also seeing our children fight for justice at an earlier age again.
Blame won’t change the pattern. We already know change starts with us.
But we’re wondering – is there some kind of collective generational trauma revealing and healing going on?
So, are Generation X adults undergoing a collective healing from Baby Boomer parents?
Open question..What are your thoughts?
Please comment below, please do share this post or our video. Maybe talking about it might mean that you can know you’re not alone.
If you would like to watch the accompanying video to this blog it is here:
James Ballantyne 