Trigger Warning – Abuse of any kind. Please do not read if you have experienced abuse, unless in a safe place to be able to do so. This is written to educate those who might not know the difference, if you have experienced abuse, you know this already.
I think I was 14 when I was bought a ‘fake’ Man Utd football T-Shirt at a market stall in the south west of England by my parents. It was obviously fake. It was black, it had a ‘cotton traders’ label, the ‘Sharp’ sponsor was ironed on crooked and the badge was wrong. Yet it was ‘given’ to me as a gift. And I hated it. Man Utd were, and still are, my team, and though potentially even then I had no real sympathy with their financial situation, I knew that this fake was wrong. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t genuine. I felt, like many of the ‘gifts’ from my parents, cheap. (yet was told I was ungrateful or spoilt) . I probably was grumpy and upset for the rest of the day and told I was spoiling ‘their holiday’.
My point was, and is now, that there’s a difference between fake and real.
Today I read this story.
Male Victim of Domestic Abuse Lies tells of Torment
If you were in this situation could you spot who the ‘real’ and who the ‘fake’ victim is? Difficult.. very much so.
The story is about how a Man was accused of being a domestic abuser, by his partner, whose story was believed, he was sent to jail on the basis of her claims. After his release, the truth was revealed. The victim story she played was fake.
If you read this account, which will by no means be the full story, do so tracing the way in which the actual abuser plays the DARVO game throughout. As a reminder, Darvo stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse, Victim Offender. The oft used pattern of someone accused. Playing victim is part of the pattern.
Google DARVO to find out more – here’s a link too – DARVO
What I mean is, that they are a ‘Reverse Victim’ rather than a real one.
Fake, rather than real.
And this is no criticism of Humberside police in this case. Not at all.
Because. This cuts both ways. Both genders..and its difficult to know the difference.
Im not sure that phrases like ‘Believe the women’ or ‘believe the victim’ help. They create a conformation or gender bias, and a woman playing victim is considerably harder to spot, than a man doing so. Especially in the face of them being able to accuse Men of wrong doing. Men play victims as much as Women do. My experience is having seen it in Women, and obviously in these stories.
Its not just domestic abuse.
This was a case in Cumbria a few months back. This isn’t about false allegations of abuse, its about deliberate lies and having a fake victim story being believed.
I wasn’t the ‘real’ victim when I was given a fake Man Utd T-shirt. But I knew that something didn’t feel right when I was given it.
These are by no means conclusive, but how can you spot a real victim, from a reverse victim?
What is it like being a real Victim? (of abuse, of any kind)
Lets look at the effects of abuse on someone and their emotions, feelings and behaviours. They can feel scared, silenced, bewildered, trapped, afraid – they can often mask and give a ‘false’ self to keep up appearances, they can have hard shells or even react intensely if provoked – as a defence mechanism. They may be anything like a tortoise, hedgehog, dragon or eeyore.
They may not realise that they are a victim.
Once they realise – as I did – it wasn’t a label they want.
They often dont want to share about being a victim, but more about overcoming, surviving and coping, recovering and living beyond.
They often blame themselves.
They have nothing to lose, have often already lost everything.
They often realise they can do something by changing and seeking help – and realising that they can – by furthering awareness, self love and compassion… which extends to others.
They often have survivors gift.. to help others.
Often they have fragmented story, and are afraid to tell.
A real victim is unlikely to want to create drama. Is likely to be silent. Is likely to step away from situations. Is likely to learn to protect themselves.
A real victim… is likely to be movitated by justice, by being heard, or by finding peace and a life beyond it.
A real victim…. can see the games being played of the reverse victim. It’s the task of the Reverse victim..to silence, invalidate, remove the real one.
But what of a Reverse Victim?
This is a person who is using victimhood for a number of reasons. Usually to protect themselves, abusive behaviour or lies or denials.
Therefore its a game being played.
A phrase like ; ‘Look what you/she/he made me do’ or ‘ The Devil/alcohol/my mental health made me do it’ – can often be used – because that person keeping up a game, in which they present as victim/innocent and not responsible for themselves.
False emotions usually accompany the Reverse offender, as are false projections, to accuse others.
They often aren’t able to use the situation to better themselves through it or after it – because it wasn’t a situation in the first place – just a game.
They can often pretend to ‘get help’ but have difficulty (blame) finding a match with a counsellor or that their counsellor isn’t working for them, or use the fact that they’re going to counselling to manipulate others into thinking that ‘they are trying’.
When asked for more details about the situation – they might break down and cry more.. because they can’t give an answer to what hasn’t happened, there’s unlikely to be any more of a story with tears, just a more sodden weak one. And they want you to fix them. Note the drama triangle being used here too. (Persecutor, helper, victim)
A Reverse Victim is angry when they are challenged about their game.
A Reverse Victim is loud, and plays on victim hood. Especially in cultures where they know they elicit sympathy. Ie Churches full of nice unaware people.
The Reverse Victim can often make claims about themselves – ‘I couldn’t do that I’m a nice guy’…’that isn’t the real me, you know the real me’ …. ‘I couldn’t do that im a christian/minister/police officer’ …..
A Reverse victim thrives on drama. Loves the attention. Creates drama where possible. A reverse victim manipulates so that others can do their emotional work for them (flying monkeys).
The Reverse Victim doesn’t realise that they are fulfilling a cycle, and most of the time they dont care…. until their game is up. Winning is their motive.
A Reverse victim is likely to criticise the way in which the actual victim is responding to the situation. ‘They took their time coming forward’ or ‘They shouldn’t cry, it wasn’t a big deal at the time’
A Reverse Victim bewilders. A victim feels bewildered.
A Reverse Victim is threatened when their victimhood story/script is threatened. They have to stay this way.
Often its been a script since childhood. They’ve cried wolf to get gifts, soothing and attention. ‘Dont you dare try and play victim around here’ might be their reaction. See how bewildering this is, and a projection.
A Reverse Victim… creates a place of emotional abuse for a real one.
Im sure there are other differences, but these are all the ones I can think of, because I have encountered them in a number of situations.
I could say that it would take a significant amount of skill to identify the difference between a real, and a reverse victim..but as I said.. those who have been abuse victims, and done the work, can often see the patterns.. they’ve experienced them often enough.
In the safeguarding training I’m doing there’s a phrase known as “Respectful Uncertainty”. What this means is to try and be respectful of persons whilst also being unsure of their story so that further accurate information is sought. It is not to let myths make decisions, but evidence. Its not respectful uncertainty to say that a man is always an abuser, and a female always a victim.
I had enough respectful uncertainty to know not to take that black T shirt to be anything other than a fake. The signs on the front may have been the same, but they didnt look, feel or seem right.
If this has affected you, then do seek professional help and/or a trusted safe friend who can listen to you non judgementally, there are helplines in the link pages too, please do give them a call.
James Ballantyne 