The best way for me to describe this is to tell you a story.
Last Sunday morning I had fun with my camera.
But. I had to make a choice to do this.
Because, the previous Thursday I went out, hoping to have fun, a relaxing walk, mixing some bird watching and photography. But for some reason it wasn’t fun. I had got to a point of digesting a few days worth of new knowledge about photography skills and practice and then went out armed with this knowledge.
On a grey uninspiring day. I also went to go nature walking.
There wasn’t much nature, and there wasn’t much of interest. It was a bit bleak.
Here’s a few examples from the day. Grey light mostly.
In short, I got back and felt as though I was trying to do too much.
Rushing. And over thinking.
Was I enjoying the walk..? No.
Was I chasing a bird or moment of nature? Yes
Was I trying to use my camera and look at scenes , sometimes..
Was I trying to practice a new skill, walk and find places, or see nature?
Too much going on. Over thinking.
Anyway. A few moments of fun in the sunset. Nothing is wasted, absolutely.
But I got back and thought id wasted a day, frustrated.
But on Sunday things were different.
I went to a place I had only been once before, HedleyHope Fell, just outside Tow Law, last time I was there it was wet and cold and looked like this:
Though I also realise that this photo doesn’t give any indication of how wet it was that day. Its just a tree. But trust me it was wet here in November.
On Sunday I went, the sun was hazy and out, and I decided that I would solely use the space to walk and try taking interesting photos, try some different angles and settings and just have some fun. I also thought I would take seriously the suggestion that I would tell a story, and the simple story of my photos was that it was me going for a walk.
So, in 8 photos, here’s me going for a walk at HedleyHope Fell.
Im not going to write this 4 days later and make out that I was gliding around the setting, in a beautiful flow of human with camera making beautiful art.. but I can say that I was having fun.
I was lost in the moment, yet present in the moment. Observing landscapes, light and scenes in front of me, trying to look, feel and sense the place.
Being present.
Enjoying myself.
And, I could tell what happened to take me out of this.
A text message , just as I was about to climb up the hill to the car.
A message that took me away from the place, the fun and the enjoyment.
I should have turned off my phone, but I dont do that for emergency sake, and text messages are so rare…so, I
was into thinking again. Panic even.
In that moment I lost presence.
Even breathing and trying to ‘slow down’ I had gone. Only my body remained in the fell, my mind was elsewhere, panic anxiety or whatever it was.
I did have plans to go to a different nature reserve after this one, but instead I faced the challenge, knowing that avoiding it would only make me worry more. Though I had resolved that on my drive back home that the worst case scenario was unlikely. And, it was unlikely. It was and is something I can deal with.
So its all ok.
So in a way I am proud of myself for how I responded and reacted calmly to a situation..eventually.
But what im also aware of is how easy it is for the fun and enjoyment I was having to burst like a bubble.
My flow went, my mind raced, panic, but then gradually logic and calmness did return.
I did go out again later, and I did enjoy an afternoon of sunshine, but what I did on this occasion at the nature reserve, was focus on recovering calmly from the minor stress, walking, breathing and doing the nature thing. Doing one thing at a time. So just outside Darlington at the Burdon Community Woodland, I got these photos.
Maybe not the best photos. But that wasn’t the point.
But it was important for me notice that I had to focus on one thing.
Walking and being in nature is good for me for slowing down, for appreciating connections with the earth. It was what I needed to restore myself. Sitting and waiting for an owl, or the movement of birds slows me down. It was one thing to focus on. It wasn’t the time for me to learn a new skill, a new toy. I needed something different for myself, than I needed in the morning.
Fun in the morning, Slow speed in the afternoon. Nature in attendance.
So, that’s my slightly unwieldy story about overthinking. Im kind of over thinking whether I should even share it, because its probably not that interesting, or enlightening, just me going out for walks and realising when I’ve been present in them or not, and I would imagine that’s just like any one of us.
When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.
Use your senses fully
Be where you are
Look around
Just look, don’t interpret
See the light, colours, shapes, textures.
Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.
Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.
Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.
Listen to the silence between the sounds.
Touch something – anything- and feel and acknowledge its being.
Observe the rhythm of your breathing; feel the air flowing in and out,
feel the life energy inside your body.
Allow everything to be, within and without.
Allow the Is-ness of all things
Move deeply into the now
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.
Why do I love it?
Because if I stop in the midst of now, I notice that there aren’t problems.
I can put more problems into the space, somebody else to add to my own
But what if don’t?
What if I create a gap in the midst – to notice myself and the space I am in
To notice the gap between the problem exists a me, and I am not a problem, the problem isn’t me
The problem exists outside of me
I want to have it consume me less, and I want to step away
And be me, and not my problems, and be me, and not your problems
Said my friend who I was staying with after leaving the family home in the midst of my breakdown.
By myself? I thought?
Without a purpose?
Just a walk?
Not just ‘walk the dog’ or walk to a place, or walk to get to something – just a walk?
Yeah, just go for a walk, it might do you good
And so I did.
Virtually every day. The walks I had done before I had done with a dog, the walks I had done before were with headphones in, the walks I had done before had been for work reasons. Distraction. Functional. Escape.
And at first it was well, a bit awkward. Just going for a walk.
It was a walk through a small edge of city village, through tunnels and there was the cliffs and the sea.
But I realised that I liked exploring, and so I did.
Whilst in the midst of so many clouds, I walked.
Clouds etched on my face, as below you can see. One of very few photos of me. So much pain on my face, looking back, I was a shadow, grey, hiding, pretending to be ok.
This was me.
My friend lived near the sea and the coast, and I started to look a bit closer and enjoy.
Sometimes I used those walking moments to take photos, to phone friends, to try and work out what was going on in my life, to try and understand.
Mind all over the place, busy, thinking, clinging on, trying to make sense of the clouds
Sometimes in those days I wouldn’t be completely present to the space I was in, so I’m not going to say that it was a state of natural bliss as I walked along the north east coastline.
But I walked
in my own cloud at times. But I walked.
Sometimes I walked miles
Sometimes I walked miles to place where there was a coffee shop on the coast.
Sometimes I walked in the rain
I would try and find new routes
New paths, for me
Most of the time I preferred to walk in a circle
Id go early in the morning and get up and see the sunrise
Other times it would be the sunset
There was a bench on the cliffs that I could sit on and watch the sea.
Getting out, by myself.
Beginning to enjoy my own company.
Beginning, the glimpses of beginning to sense a change
Im not going to sit here a few years later and say that nature was healing me, but I might say that it was the beginning of something.
Fresh air…the opportunity to breathe, when friends on the phone were saying breath, my air was coastal and by the sea.
I could slow down. With no pressure or expectation. I could explore, get lost in the caves.
Enjoy coffee
Take a book even.
And just be.
Sit on a pebble and watch the sea.
Sit and look at the pebble.
Watch as others walked with their dogs.
Eat bramble.
Throw a pebble into the sea.
Getting hot, too many clothes, or cold with too little, trying to get back before it got dark
Maybe even finding the pub on the way back, or the old bits of railway nearby, that evoked that childhood railway joy
The pub with the railway name too, and pictures
Talking to strangers in the pub. Talking to strangers with their dogs
Me, walking.
There was always something to find, something to see. An angle on life that I hadn’t noticed before.
And I was noticing.
Todays tide was different, the sea was different, the cloud colour was different. No two walks ever the same. the world is different, and so was I.
I was enjoying what I saw, and it was healing to the wounded soul.
I went almost every day.
I was bruised, hurt, confused, and yet walking was doing something, nature was doing something, my eyes were doing something.
Something was starting to awaken.
The silence of the sky, the crash of the waves, they took me away. Took me to the present.
A walk will do you good.
It did. Its the same for all of us..isnt it?
And now I still walk, we all did during lockdown, dont you remember.
We walked and sometimes stopped to see, to feel, to notice, that the world was bigger, and more beautiful outside.
And that we are all wondering like strangers on beach, trying to find our way home, but doing it outside not trapped inside.
I still walk, and now I have a better camera. I still walk and sometimes notice, and still walk and forget to.
I sometimes walk and forget to take myself along, as im elsewhere distracted by the noise of the world. That sometimes I have to be reminded to stop.
And be me.
And notice.
Notice the colour, notice the sky, notice the flower, the bird in the air.
Just see it for what it is.
Walking in amongst the industrial landscape, beautiful rugged, panoramic Teeside, walking along the beach, walking with myself.
Taking myself out for a walk.
Not just going for a walk, but taking myself, me, out.
Nature was healing me, and helping me to see.
As I walked, as I saw, as I felt awe and gratitude for what I could see
Snippiets of moments where my mind could stop.
Now I look, and look intently, and the colour, the movement, the scene, watching the eyes of the birds or dragonflies move.
A walk gives me chance to see the possibility of something that helps me see the work differently, gives me the possibility of stopping, and focussing on something, whether its the camera or the binoculars, to see the world in detail, the smallest detail of the wings of a dragonfly
and be captivated in a moment.
Go for a walk it will do you good
I rarely return from a walk feeling less calm that when I started.
Something has usually given me joy.
Something in me often has shifted.
Walking might be my body way of doing natural EMDR, the treatment my therapist showed me and helped me to do.
Step by step.
Heart beat.
As I walk, dont think…feel.
Feel and walk at the same time. Sense it, sense the feeling like im sensing the sky.
If someone else did well at something – I would be joyful
If my team won- then I would be happy
If only
If something.
Until the last few years I lived my life in a state of future thinking of happiness.
Until the last few years I avoided my current state of presentness
Until the last few years I delved deep into my inner mind workings to survive the past things.
Mind engaged
Feelings switched off
Future life will sort it
a new job, a team victory, a day out, unexpected money, success, academia…
Living only for a future to arrive that never arrived, whilst being trapped in a mind prison of the past and having no grip on my own feelings. Was like a prison with a door that never opened, and I had no access to a key.
An imagined future happiness, lost in the present, and fearful of dealing with a past that I had tried to switch off from.
This will make me happy. Nope.
This will bring moments of unexpected joy – yes, glimpses, moments.
The one off moments that circumnavigate my ever working mind, my overthinking brain to hit me where it hurt. Briefly.
The breakdown summer in which I cried alot.
Did not know
Couldn’t think my way out of it.
Had to live from a dormant, bruised heart, that was screaming to be acknowledged.
Yet in the moments of breakdown, the world starts to change.
I already saw the flowers, but now they were signs of gratitude and hope, I saw what was colour in the everyday.
The Rainbow. That appears in my flat window, as I write this.
Feint against the grey clouds
Moments of the now.
Glimpses.
Tomorrows happiness rarely came, because I expected too much of it. I needed the future to do something for me, that was impossible.
‘When will you be happy’? Was a question I was asked one time.
It wasnt just slowing down that I needed to do
It was just breathing
It was being.
In the moment.
I couldn’t think my way into feeling something that had to be felt, and I am beginning to realise, that I feel in the now. It is when my mind stops and I allow myself to feel, to listen to my heart speak.
I noticed that I stopped needing things. I enjoyed things, but didnt need them to do something beyond what it was meant to do.
Maybe its mindlessness and not mindfulness.
What might it mean to be fully present and in the now?
and.. if its not now – when.. might that be for you?
Am I excited about something happening tomorrow, or something in a month, or Christmas coming up?
Yes, of course, but do I need that thing to make me happy?
Healing for me, was less about understanding what happened, but about the beginnings of the undoing of what I did to cope and survive through it. Because now I’m not needing to survive and cope, I dont need tomorrow. I have today. I have now.
And now it full of colour, its even more so when the greyness and clouds break away.
James Ballantyne 