James Ballantyne

Tag: Psychopathy

  • The letter any Narc Abuse survivor could write.

    It changed my entire life when I was able to stand back, to stand in some safe distance from damaging relationships and realise what the patterns were of them. Even now, I have to remember what I know , and remember that I have power because I know, and so, I am writing this for you, for you if you need it when you begin to realise that you have been a genuine victim of someone who is displaying (but would never get tested for) NPD, sociopathy or psychopathy – or a combination of all three. This is for you realise that this knowledge is actually power. Power also that means that you have yourself, you have awareness, you don’t have to play the games, you are, and you are more than their jealous projections.

    But this is not about them, this about you, it’s about me, it’s about knowing, and knowing freedom, knowing our strength and the power of the truth that we have . It is time to live. I wrote this letter privately the other day, and by writing it, it gave me power, because then, I knew, I felt, power, and this is is important to have after abuse. Then I realised that the abuse I suffered isnt unique, and neither are the behaviours a Narc makes either, so by sharing this with you, I hope it gives you power too.

    Dear They-who-might-not-be named Dark Triad* Abuser,

    I know,

    I know,

    I can see what you do,

    I can see the patterns of how you are working

    I know how you are constantly trying to cover your tracks

    I know your lies,

    I know your stories,

    I know your strategies,

    I know your toxins and your poison.

    I know your thirst for power, and how it consumes you.

    I know how much you think you have power, and how fragile that is

    I know.

    I have your lies on paper,

    I know how you threaten to silence those who might call you out,

    I know how you invalidate others who might say the same,

    I know how you manipulate .

    I know how you operate from anger and jealousy, and can only verbalise love, compassion or empathy.

    I know how you’re clinging onto work, as you have nothing else.

    I know your lies.

    I know you have delusions instead of truth.

    I know that you can’t admit your wrongdoing,

    I know that a mirror threatens you, when you dare to look inside,

    I know that you have no peace, no joy, no happiness,

    I know your love-less existence and how you make this out to be ‘the real world’ ,

    I know your whiny voices, that give Harry Potter Headaches.

    I know how you have to pretend to care

    I know the destruction lies in your wake

    I know how you have to tell stories to convince yourself that none of it was you

    I know the monkeys who you employ to do your work, as they swing back and forwards, still trapped in your haunted gaze.

    I know the monkeys that have inherited your games

    I know how the system could only see the pretend version of you.

    I know how you have twisted God into your delusions to justify yourself

    I know the neediness script that you cling to.

    I know your inconsistencies and your self denials

    I know your wounded ego

    I know your haunted eyes that gaze on power

    I know you, and thats more than you know yourself.

    I know

    I know

    I know

    I know it all.

    I know your games that make you the same as all the others.

    I know

    I know that this letter could be said about anyone who plays your games,

    I know how you fear losing your special status or victim positioning

    I know.

    And I can have and be all the things that you could never be.

    Thank you for the lessons I have had to learn to rid myself of you

    Thank you for the projections that I now embrace

    Thank you for knowledge that gives me power

    Thank you for revealing yourself to me, fully and finally

    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to realise who I am

    Thank you for my survival story.

    Thank you for confirming in your actions what deep down I already knew.

    That you were not to be trusted, and not to be true.

    So now its time, narc destructor, for me

    to let go of the lead again

    And let your growling gnashing of teeth scowl within your own created existence.

    And its time

    For me

    To breathe again, finally reminded of my freedom.

    And my power

    That you wanted to destroy

    But I am here.

    and I know.

    And I am still standing.

    And I am Free.

    Regards,

    Any Narcissist Survivor.

  • The Sound of Silencing (How to lose friends and manipulate people)

    Im giving you what I know. From what I have heard, directly.

    As I was watching in a fascinating documentary recently on the development of Art in America (‘The Art of making it’- I think) , they used the phrase ‘ the oppressed knows their abuser more than the abuser knows themselves’ . So this is what I’m sharing with you, my knowledge, so that you can build up yours, if you need to. Healing starts when you see how you have been treated.

    These are some of the tactics of the manipulator, and they are tactics, strategies so often used that protect their position or their core damaged, often rotten self.

    Written from their perspective. For extra ammunition for you, the healing one, the empathetic or someone who hadnt realised the extend of what people could do to be emotionally or verbally manipulative.

    So let’s put ourselves in the place of the manipulator, change places and imagine that we are in the shoes of someone trying to keep someone else quiet.

    You have power, and so here some phrases to use if you want to make sure that your, powerful position is maintained, and in the process you have bewildered and controlled the person who challenges it.

    It’ll keep someone quiet, especially someone who you want to keep silenced.

    So, next time you are challenged, they maybe start to ask you questions that seems to threaten your existence, just throw one of these at them and see their reaction. For a moment it’s likely to startle them, especially if you’re using it for the first time. But remember, dont use the same one often, because what you’ll end up doing is giving them something to digest, like the gristle on a bit of chicken, and they’ll start to think about it, and build up some responses to it, so its better to throw in a new one or different one every now and then.

    In no particular order….

    1. ‘I dont want to argue with you.’ This one is great, especially if they start to talk after a discussion before, it’ll completely silence them, they dont want an argument or conflict, just try it and see.
    2. ‘You’re just a dreamer.’ This has the same effect as
    3. ‘Stop being such an idealist’ .. If you suggest their argument is unreal, or ideal, it disables it, and they start to wonder if its unreasonable, making your position completely reasonable
    4. ‘Now dont get Angry with me’; Say this if their tone is just a tiny tiny bit louder than normal, or especially if they have gained a bit of confidence recently, suggesting they might be angry at something will peg them down a bit, also it really helps, in ‘church world’ that any determination of anger can help ensure that a position is invalidated. You can appear the calm one. It doesn’t matter if you have made them angry.
    5. ‘You’re too Sensitive’… an alternative is ‘You Care too Much’ – these are great to use, especially if they are starting to notice that you have limited depths of care for others, and maybe a deeper core of selfishness that you’d like to hide, so just let them know that they are too caring, and too sensitive to the needs of others. They’ll question how much to care, and maybe, if you say it right they’ll think that you haven’t had enough attention, and they’ll give you more, after all this is what you want all along.
    6. ‘You’re just gossiping’ or ‘thats just gossip’ or ‘they’re just a tell-tale’ Definitely use this one if someone starts to accuse someone that you have a close association with, especially related to safeguarding, and maybe churches and religious groups, this one is great to use, it’ll rally others around your position and sideline the critical, negative or disclosures. Its more effective if the persons making the accusation are in an already sidelined group, like young people, women, older people, someone with learning needs, someone from a poor background, anyone whose been judged harshly already by the majority, explicitly or implicitly, thats the best time to get away with the ‘gossip’ line.
    7. ‘Are you sure you dont belong to a Cult?’ If the person goes to a different religious group, one that is different to yours, and they are challenging you, then throw this line at them, do it especially if they have received guidance from their ‘pastor’ or ‘minister’ and its about how to cope with you.
    8. ‘This is just the ways its been/always been/ I can’t change/Just the way I am’ – There’s no way you are going to change, especially not for them, why do you even need to you are perfect as you are, so give a version of this one a try, gently let them know that this is how you have always been, (or how the organisation has always been) and by saying this, they will have to realise that they have to do any changing.
    9. ‘You need to think about my needs’. This one is great to use, after they have done some of 8, changing. Then because of the effort they have put into thinking about themselves for a while, this will help them reset to thinking about you again, and taking them back into the pattern that you liked them in, when they orientated their life around you, and you not changing. They love changing and being exhausted all the time.
    10. ‘Dont raise your voice you’ll upset the kids/someone’ . Say this when you want to give them the curveball of emotional sympathy, but not for you, for someone else. You dont feel, or get upset that often remember, neither does what they say or do upset you… but that doesn’t stop you from using someone else to create their emotional sympathy. Just gently let them know that their actions hurt someone that both you and they have a connection to, a family member, relative that kind of thing. It also gives them the knowledge that you have contact with that other person.
    11. ‘I think you might have mental health issues’. Get this one out there when they’ve gone a bit upset or really low, depressed ever since the last time they tried to talk with you. Maybe even do this in a kindly way, suggest that they get help, or make it look as if you care about them, just a little. But dont do any more than this, never find them a therapist, or book a GP appointment, no no no, just plant the seed. It’s unlikely that they’ll follow it up, it just combines a tiny bit of care, and causes them to be bewildered further. Just be really careful here though, especially if they start to go to therapy, or get help, you’ll have to find ways of pegging them down or devaluing what they are doing in this.
    12. ‘Dont you dare try and be the Victim’. When they start to even dare think of themselves as a victim of your behaviour towards them, just plant in them this little gem, it’ll reinforce to them that you control which role you are and the position from which you see the world, and there’s no way they are going to take this position from you.
    13. ‘I was just being sarcastic’. Did they not understand a comment you made that was intentionally harsh? Or they challenge you on it because it was unreasonable.. Say it was sarcastic. Now you know that they know that it wasn’t, but that doesn’t matter, just say it anyway.
    14. ‘You’re overthinking this, you read too much, best to keep it simple’. Your way is right, even if their thought through idea is a good one, demean the source of the idea (probably a book) and not them, and then appeal to an easy way. Easy avoids pain and pain is definitely something to avoid.
    15. ‘I think you expect perfection’ – Use this one to suggest that they are expecting too much of you, like anything at all or their basic needs to be met, which isn’t what you are going to do, so instead, give them the impression that what they require from you is some gigantuon effort, or extension of reality , like perfection, and instead they will have to re-assess what it might even be that they are asking.
    16. Speak of yourself in the third person, so ‘Your father, Your wife, Your husband’ dont say ‘I’ , because your I has to stay hidden away, and can’t speak, but you can describe yourself in the present as if it might be from you, its your idealised self, not your core self talking, like ‘you know your husband/mother loves you very much’ , its not I… This also works in emails, to disguise the tenses, persons and voices, to confuse. If you’re not sure of this, use ‘God’ instead… like ‘God wouldn’t want you to get angry’, or ‘God loves you’ (even if I dont).
    17. An extra one. Forget that you said any of these things. Every time. They didnt hear you properly when you said it, you dont remember saying it, they must have misheard you, and if you did say it how they interpreted it want what you meant. This utterly wastes their time, because theyve spent a while reacting to what you did actually say, and now you are disputing your own words, which of course you have every right to do so, and it makes them think they are crazy. You can even go further and then suggest they need their hearing tested.

    Sounds harsh? It happens… a lot.

    So, here’s how to gaslight and silence people. Here’s how to keep your abuse victim quiet, confused and bewildered, scared and questioning their reality. Here’s how to use language to create a culture of fear and manipulation, and for you to sit in a place of power.

    If you are reading this and are horrified that I am giving away tips to abusers, then wait.

    It’s very very unlikely that anyone abusive is going to read this, it is more likely that you are. You. Someone who has experienced this kind of behaviour. Because you googled the phrase ‘too sensitive’ or ‘verbal abuse’ or ‘Darvo’ or ‘Victim mentality’ or ‘self awareness’ or ‘projection’. Someone who is abusive doesn’t read a book on how to be abusive, somehow, their protectors just know, and their wounded ego can do the rest. That person isn’t going to read this list.

    But if you have heard these, you are more armed. You are using your brain, you utterly clever brave courageous soul, you are resourcing yourself with the tools of your abuser, and working out their similar strategies, because they are all the same. The words being only slightly different, I’ve seen and been told almost all of these in 40 years, some more than once, and more by women than men, though I know men say these things too. There are only so many patterns and phrases in their textbook, once you’ve seen the ones above, you’ll notice them all.

    Can we also broaden this out from individual relationships, to systems and structures too? How many churches wouldnt recognise these kinds of behaviours? how many might even see these as ‘normal’ ? What about in safeguarding situations? What happens when people try and defend their roles or positions or reputations? Lying to defend is too blatant, but 1/4 truth hidden in manipulation (and spiritual language) can go a long way.

    Im sorry that you had to read this list, but if you have said any of these, then it’s time also to stop, reflect and listen, to the damage you have done. If you have heard these, if you hear these in the present, do consider getting help, support and emotional safety, because it might well be time that you are treated better, respected, listened to and heard.

    Have you heard any more? do add them in the comments below, to share and build up a resource of them.

  • Dear Men, Why it might not be you.

    Dear Men, Why it might not be you.

    It can be difficult to find reference to examples and awareness of how women can be also, and as abusive, both to men and other women. More often the ‘narcissist videos’ or websites or fb groups are for either gender, or primary targeted/gendered that men are the abusers. And thats ok, its not a complaint, just an observation.

    I guess what im saying is that for a male victim of abuse it can be harder to find resources, and thus harder for them to see that they might have been manipulated themselves. Caught in a trap. Maybe there needs to be greater awareness that women, wives, mothers, sisters, aunties, female colleagues, female pastors and teachers.. can also be manipulative and abusive. For the myths that ‘a woman wouldn’t do that’ or ‘be that’ and maybe, is doing it deliberately – to be challenged.

    And… this doesn’t get us Men off the hook. This about the ‘seeing the problem’ not alleviating responsibility by blame shifting ourselves, we have our own work to do to heal ourselves, get support, be vulnerable and recovery. Blaming the cause doesn’t heal. But, as when I first read the ‘pink book’ (‘Children of the ageing Self Absorbed’ by Nina Brown) it helped me to see, it helped me to start to take the blame weight off my shoulders, to see the games that were being played around me..the non winnable ones, the ones that questioned my sanity, the ones of gaslighting, denials and projections.

    As a man, I await the backlash, and therefore all I intend to do here is pass on these two videos I saw this week.

    Because, Starting to see is one step on the process to heal.

    Both of these videos might be as useful to you as the pink book was for me.

    1. 6 Ways to tell a Woman is Toxic
    2. How a Emotionally immature Wife treats her husband

    There may well be other videos, and I recommend the ‘Decoding Narcissism’ and ‘Surviving Narcissism’ channels for more on these subjects generally.

    If you are reading this and beginning to realise what you have experienced as abuse, know that you are not alone. The comments section on those two videos alone will enable you to realise that it is far more common that you have been led to believe. Know that a recovered life away from the game is possible, and that you can make changes to be free. It will be difficult. Find someone completely out of the situation, away from their friends, family, a therapist, and safety, and start to begin the process of being free and free to yourself.

    If you have been made to believe that you dont deserve better

    If you have been made to believe that you’re not good enough

    If you have been made to believe that a woman is never wrong and when challenged is defensive, angry or plays the victim.

    It doesn’t have to stay this way, you deserve better.

    There are helplines on domestic abuse out there, as well as those specifically for men. Here is one of them in the UK. Man Kind do call them on 01823 334244.

  • The tiring, futility of trying to be good.

    The tiring, futility of trying to be good.

    When you have something to prove, you aren’t free

    Edith Eger, The Choice (2017)

    It is not necessary to satisfy other peoples expectations

    Kishimi, Koga , The Courage to be disliked (2013)

    This is hard stuff for me, so I thought I would write about it.

    Most of my family, that is, both my lovely grandmothers, and more recently my Aunties, have commented on me being ‘such a good little boy’ when I was a child.

    I can remember them doing this as a child, in defence of me, against my toxic mother.

    My teachers said the same. In fact I remember astounding one teacher when I was 6 for wanting the spelling of a word that she thought I shouldn’t know. The word was blancmange. School reports aged 8 said that I was concientious. (not conceited) , and I didnt have google then to find out what this meant, so when I asked my parents what this word meant, there strangely wasn’t a response. I was told off for asking for a present for having a good school report.

    What I didnt realise aged 8, was that this was about to be a pattern. Other people would see my gifts and general goodness, my mother would see either the opposite, de legitimise who I was or what they said.. or as ive said before..take it for herself.

    But, I did learn this though… That being good (as long as I didnt ask for rewards for it) kept me out of trouble in those other places, even if I was seemingly always in trouble/danger in the home.

    Nothing was good enough at home, it was impossible to win, and it was all game. But I did realise that by staying out trouble and invisible meant I was safer.

    There was something else weird too. Because I wasn’t being seen. This is what I wanted, it was like this…

    If only they could see what I did or who I was then they might be proud of me or love me.

    But there was a complication to this.

    I didnt want them anywhere near me – not publicly anyway, and so I hid or avoided achievements. I feigned disappointment when they said they couldn’t come to my duke of Edinburgh bronze award night, they were away I think and it was one of favourite events where I collected an award. Ever. So, its complicated, the desire to be seen to be good, mixed with the impending trauma of having them see it. Moments of achievement were best avoided. When I got school prizes aged 13, I didnt expect it, and I definitely didnt the next year.

    But I was a good boy.

    When I realised I had to be, and do this on my own – I set out at doing so.

    And being a good boy, also meant and became, being a good christian boy too.

    The two became synonymous, and God became intrinsically linked to the same parent figure, always watching, to be feared, temperamental, never seeing (except sin and failings). God gave me tasks to do, God was keeping a list of sins, God was storing up every thought for the last days – so I could rewatch it all. Also.. nothing I did that was actually good, this was just ‘God’ in me doing these things, because deep down im full of darkness, sin and shame, of course I am.

    So I was pointlessly trying to be good. And it was exhausting.

    Keeping up good appearances. At church, at school… adapting to the institutions.. believing this was what life was all about. Believing that if I was good I would be liked. Actually I noticed the opposite. The fun people had friends. The other ‘good’ kids congregated together, all the oldest child, maybe all sitting in the Christian union too.

    Good christians, judging the fun others had, and being jealous that they all had friends.

    A life of performance, pretence, self protection and compliance.

    Imagine my surprise when I decided to a ‘christian’ gap year doing youth ministry and this caused probably 15 years of anger and disappointment in her.. because I didnt go to university at 18 (her plan and expectation) . Being good and even following a faith calling – didnt make a difference.

    Because it wasn’t seen though, I then had to prove them wrong, and spent a good amount of my life doing so.

    Being good didnt matter, and there was no possibility to me meeting their expectations. But I didnt know this at the time. Not until I read the pink book that saved my life, until I realised that I didn’t matter what I did.

    Somewhere deep in my conscious is this notion of ‘being good’, that being good somehow would mean being accepted and liked – especially in the institutions – and that maybe this being liked and accepted in these places were compensation for what I didnt have at home.

    Somewhere there’s still a belief that if im good, i’ll be liked and accepted.

    But this isn’t true.

    And if it is, it isn’t freedom. Its trying to meet other peoples expectations.

    And thats something neither I or you can control.

    And maybe there’s a difference, between trying to be good – to fit in – and letting that deep inner well of goodness shine through and be revealed. Goodness needn’t mean compliance. Goodness is for all humanity.

    At the risk of being disliked.

    I think I could also talk about how this applies to my writing, but thats for a different time.

    Its not that I see now and think that ‘being good’ ruined my life – no not at all, I needed to be good to survive, to be and get to where I am today. Being good in school and doing well was an achievement of my own doing, as was graduating to Masters level a few years ago.

    I just realised that it isn’t the most important thing.

    Yet I can tell that its a continual wrestle for me, as it sits so close and deep within my own psyche – and maybe yours.

    More to come on this… probably..

    Thank you for reading.

  • The Differences between a Real or ‘Reverse’ Victim.

    Trigger Warning – Abuse of any kind. Please do not read if you have experienced abuse, unless in a safe place to be able to do so. This is written to educate those who might not know the difference, if you have experienced abuse, you know this already.

    I think I was 14 when I was bought a ‘fake’ Man Utd football T-Shirt at a market stall in the south west of England by my parents. It was obviously fake. It was black, it had a ‘cotton traders’ label, the ‘Sharp’ sponsor was ironed on crooked and the badge was wrong. Yet it was ‘given’ to me as a gift. And I hated it. Man Utd were, and still are, my team, and though potentially even then I had no real sympathy with their financial situation, I knew that this fake was wrong. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t genuine. I felt, like many of the ‘gifts’ from my parents, cheap. (yet was told I was ungrateful or spoilt) . I probably was grumpy and upset for the rest of the day and told I was spoiling ‘their holiday’.

    My point was, and is now, that there’s a difference between fake and real.

    Today I read this story.

    Male Victim of Domestic Abuse Lies tells of Torment

    If you were in this situation could you spot who the ‘real’ and who the ‘fake’ victim is? Difficult.. very much so.

    The story is about how a Man was accused of being a domestic abuser, by his partner, whose story was believed, he was sent to jail on the basis of her claims. After his release, the truth was revealed. The victim story she played was fake.

    If you read this account, which will by no means be the full story, do so tracing the way in which the actual abuser plays the DARVO game throughout. As a reminder, Darvo stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse, Victim Offender. The oft used pattern of someone accused. Playing victim is part of the pattern.

    Google DARVO to find out more – here’s a link too – DARVO

    What I mean is, that they are a ‘Reverse Victim’ rather than a real one.

    Fake, rather than real.

    And this is no criticism of Humberside police in this case. Not at all.

    Because. This cuts both ways. Both genders..and its difficult to know the difference.

    Im not sure that phrases like ‘Believe the women’ or ‘believe the victim’ help. They create a conformation or gender bias, and a woman playing victim is considerably harder to spot, than a man doing so. Especially in the face of them being able to accuse Men of wrong doing. Men play victims as much as Women do. My experience is having seen it in Women, and obviously in these stories.

    Its not just domestic abuse.

    This was a case in Cumbria a few months back. This isn’t about false allegations of abuse, its about deliberate lies and having a fake victim story being believed.

    I wasn’t the ‘real’ victim when I was given a fake Man Utd T-shirt. But I knew that something didn’t feel right when I was given it.

    These are by no means conclusive, but how can you spot a real victim, from a reverse victim?

    What is it like being a real Victim? (of abuse, of any kind)

    Lets look at the effects of abuse on someone and their emotions, feelings and behaviours. They can feel scared, silenced, bewildered, trapped, afraid – they can often mask and give a ‘false’ self to keep up appearances, they can have hard shells or even react intensely if provoked – as a defence mechanism. They may be anything like a tortoise, hedgehog, dragon or eeyore.

    They may not realise that they are a victim.

    Once they realise – as I did – it wasn’t a label they want.

    They often dont want to share about being a victim, but more about overcoming, surviving and coping, recovering and living beyond.

    They often blame themselves.

    They have nothing to lose, have often already lost everything.

    They often realise they can do something by changing and seeking help – and realising that they can – by furthering awareness, self love and compassion… which extends to others.

    They often have survivors gift.. to help others.

    Often they have fragmented story, and are afraid to tell.

    A real victim is unlikely to want to create drama. Is likely to be silent. Is likely to step away from situations. Is likely to learn to protect themselves.

    A real victim… is likely to be movitated by justice, by being heard, or by finding peace and a life beyond it.

    A real victim…. can see the games being played of the reverse victim. It’s the task of the Reverse victim..to silence, invalidate, remove the real one.

    But what of a Reverse Victim?

    This is a person who is using victimhood for a number of reasons. Usually to protect themselves, abusive behaviour or lies or denials.

    Therefore its a game being played.

    A phrase like ; ‘Look what you/she/he made me do’ or ‘ The Devil/alcohol/my mental health made me do it’ – can often be used – because that person keeping up a game, in which they present as victim/innocent and not responsible for themselves.

    False emotions usually accompany the Reverse offender, as are false projections, to accuse others.

    They often aren’t able to use the situation to better themselves through it or after it – because it wasn’t a situation in the first place – just a game.

    They can often pretend to ‘get help’ but have difficulty (blame) finding a match with a counsellor or that their counsellor isn’t working for them, or use the fact that they’re going to counselling to manipulate others into thinking that ‘they are trying’.

    When asked for more details about the situation – they might break down and cry more.. because they can’t give an answer to what hasn’t happened, there’s unlikely to be any more of a story with tears, just a more sodden weak one. And they want you to fix them. Note the drama triangle being used here too. (Persecutor, helper, victim)

    A Reverse Victim is angry when they are challenged about their game.

    A Reverse Victim is loud, and plays on victim hood. Especially in cultures where they know they elicit sympathy. Ie Churches full of nice unaware people.

    The Reverse Victim can often make claims about themselves – ‘I couldn’t do that I’m a nice guy’…’that isn’t the real me, you know the real me’ …. ‘I couldn’t do that im a christian/minister/police officer’ …..

    A Reverse victim thrives on drama. Loves the attention. Creates drama where possible. A reverse victim manipulates so that others can do their emotional work for them (flying monkeys).

    The Reverse Victim doesn’t realise that they are fulfilling a cycle, and most of the time they dont care…. until their game is up. Winning is their motive.

    A Reverse victim is likely to criticise the way in which the actual victim is responding to the situation. ‘They took their time coming forward’ or ‘They shouldn’t cry, it wasn’t a big deal at the time’

    A Reverse Victim bewilders. A victim feels bewildered.

    A Reverse Victim is threatened when their victimhood story/script is threatened. They have to stay this way.

    Often its been a script since childhood. They’ve cried wolf to get gifts, soothing and attention. ‘Dont you dare try and play victim around here’ might be their reaction. See how bewildering this is, and a projection.

    A Reverse Victim… creates a place of emotional abuse for a real one.

    Im sure there are other differences, but these are all the ones I can think of, because I have encountered them in a number of situations.

    I could say that it would take a significant amount of skill to identify the difference between a real, and a reverse victim..but as I said.. those who have been abuse victims, and done the work, can often see the patterns.. they’ve experienced them often enough.

    In the safeguarding training I’m doing there’s a phrase known as “Respectful Uncertainty”. What this means is to try and be respectful of persons whilst also being unsure of their story so that further accurate information is sought. It is not to let myths make decisions, but evidence. Its not respectful uncertainty to say that a man is always an abuser, and a female always a victim.

    I had enough respectful uncertainty to know not to take that black T shirt to be anything other than a fake. The signs on the front may have been the same, but they didnt look, feel or seem right.

    If this has affected you, then do seek professional help and/or a trusted safe friend who can listen to you non judgementally, there are helplines in the link pages too, please do give them a call.

  • The two things that robbed me….of myself.

    If yesterday I wrote about my own joinery from self loathing and denial to becoming more self referential, respectful and also giving space to trust my feelings. Today I’ve pondered the question – what happened to me, so that I had no ‘faith’ in myself? What happened to the extent to which there was no ‘I’ in my life, to trust myself, my feelings, emotions, desires or wants.

    It boils down to this

    Psychopathic Parents + Evangelical Faith = No Self Trust

    In these ways:

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told not to be selfish

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I heard that my core was sinful

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told I wasn’t enough

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told that everything good I did…wasnt me..it was God

    Self trust wasn’t possible because I was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having emotions, desires or wants

    Self trust wasn’t possible when my emotions were stolen by others.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I wasn’t encouraged for being good (or when I was accused of being the ‘eldest son’ )

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was terrified of upsetting my abusers.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was encouraged to pray that God would fix things.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible..if my ‘self’ had to be denied.

    Self trust wasn’t possible if I numbed the pain and disconnected.

    Self trust wasn’t possible, even being clever or good… wasn’t enough.

    Self trust wasn’t possible… All to Jesus I surrender.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible, if Jesus gave me all my good feelings.

    Self Trust was invalidated if I tried to express myself

    Self Trust wasn’t possible – when my body was bad (Spirit is good) – and in my body is my emotions, feelings, desires and energy.

    Self trust wasn’t possible when I was masking abuse for 40 years.

    Self trust wasn’t possible if I was told who I was…and I had to accept it, whilst dying inside.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when my real self was hidden away, unseen.

    Just Pray – they said. Be good – they said. Be quiet. Dont make a mess. Fulfil our expectations for you – they said. Grow up and dont be silly..they said.

    Be our trophy to be proud of – they said. But do this alone.

    Dont ever be who you are. Dont ever think for yourself.

    Live to soothe and placate and please your abuser.

    Live to please and worship God…and deny yourself in the process.

    How could I respect myself, if I didnt trust myself, how could I know myself if I was hiding myself away? How could I trust myself… if God was always watching…and I had to remember sins and feel only continual guilt and shame.

    I was taken..from myself.

    What am I in all this?

    Where am I in this?

    Who am I in this?

    Today. This day. This month. These last few years.

    Have been unapologetically about me.

    Not just ‘finding myself’ – but…actually finding, connecting, listening, feeling and knowing myself. But its no fucking wonder I had hidden myself away… or that I had no sense of self in ‘my’ life. It was all about other people. Other people and ‘other’ Gods. Losing myself in the process. I can look back and see this. Realising the extent of what I wasn’t able to be.

    Reminding myself, now, of my own deep strength. Acknowledging it and accepting it, and being utterly grateful for the now.

    The spills of life going inwards, deep burning of molten lava piercing into the wounds. Feeling Raw, but feeling true, feeling at all. Being me. Healing from within. One layer at a time. One pebble to climb, then a rock, then more. Step by step.

    Soul, heart, mind and body on a beautiful discovery. Wonder from the heart outwards. Time to live. Spiritual life… from the inside out.

    Oh yes, its time to live. Time to be.

  • Without

    I often get the question; ‘What was it like growing up with your parents?’ – especially those who have read my story.

    Ill tell you. In a moment..

    Im just reading Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perrys book ‘What Happened to you?’ in which they describe what it would be like to ask this question (as opposed to ‘whats wrong with you?) in regard to responding to situations of trauma in society – especially amongst some of the most judged in society (notably young people). It has given me much food for thought, especially in regard to youth/community practice, and ill share more on that on my other blog.

    But the book also touches on a personal level.

    So Ill give you a trigger warning, Emotional and Parental Abuse.

    There’s a beautiful story near the end of the book in which Oprah recalls a friend of hers cutting up a strawberry in the kitchen in which the friend delicates cuts up the strawberry for the daughter in the shape of a rose, and calls them rose strawberries, it is in this moment that Oprah thinks to herself:

    This is what a mothers love is

    Oprah Winfrey, 2021

    It is when Oprah sees the example of love that she realises what she didnt have, that she grew up ‘without’.

    Without a Mothers Love.

    I have written before about how growing up with psychopathic parents meant growing up Alone. It was also about growing up ‘Without’ .

    Yet it was a bizarrely hidden ‘without’ .

    It was a ‘without’ behind closed doors. Behind the doors of respectability that didnt include any of the so called ACES (adverse childhood experiences), it didnt involve moving houses, countries or cities, or being in care. It didnt involve divorce or unemployment.

    It was like existing without care, protection, love, nurture, support.

    It was without being seen, being visible.

    It was without being able to ask, for anything

    It was without.

    It meant learning to exist with a shield, strength shield of ‘learning to cope without’ or denying the need of any of these things.

    Which is why I sought refuge into my head. And pretending that everything was ok. That I was ok.

    And buying mothers days was an activity filled with falseness, real birthday cards were blank ones.

    When I grew with a fear of seeing to be selfish – then I understood not to ask when in need of anything – to go without

    When I grew up told off for being ungrateful – then I understood not to ask for something in case it would appear that I wasn’t content with what I had.

    When I grew up without praise or affirmation – then I learnt to keep working harder without reward, in case there might be one.

    Growing up without meant – amongst other things – without pocket money (that’s what Granny does and I dont do that, also ‘you’ll just waste it’) . Money and possessions are a big deal with the psychopathic/narcissist, everything belongs to them.

    Without meant turning up to school with arm patched up clothes, packed lunches, and when the dentist suggested braces and travelling 11 miles to get them fitted and fixed every 3 months being told ‘ No you can’t have them that bad as I’m not going to do that’ .

    When I grew up trying to understand how to survive every action or moment without being told off, or ‘upsetting the mother’ – then realising what isn’t there love, care, attention, affection, visibility, nurture, protection doesn’t even figure. There was no giving only taking.

    Oh and it extended well beyond childhood.

    There was no offer to contribute towards any studies, (even though there was insistence to attend 1 graduation) , neither was any support , housing or financial during my marriage separation 4 years ago (but there was upset that I didnt ask) . These were experienced, without.

    It was also a without so many things, and yet as I use this phrase it reminds me that ‘with’ was one of their phrases around food. It would be after some fairly disastrous first course, that a second (pudding) would be unleashed. It would be some kind of over baked, under fruited, or reduced priced pie/crumble or equivalent, and to hide it various additions would be trailed out of the fridge, to hide the original monstrosity/admission of undervalue – so ice cream (value/vanilla usually), evaporated milk or custard – or at Christmas cream or the squirty cream – the ‘with it’ was a show, a covering. It was over done, to hide ‘without’ . At this point the challenge was to be true and ‘go without’ because what looked like ‘a lot’ – a table with 5 of cream, ice cream or custard – was lacking something core, but to deny it was to appear ungrateful, because there was a weird kind of choice on offer. Gifts were toxic. So actual need requests couldnt be asked for.

    That’s what growing up in a psychological abuse home was like.

    It was without care. It was without heart, soul, safety, space, or fun.

    There was ‘with’ – but it came at a price.

    So I read Oprah and Perrys book, and realise that what I have wanted to be able to give, I had to learn, but was not what I had any experience of. Growing up emotionally alone, meant going without, existing without, surviving without, making life work for me, despite them, not because of them.

    Growing up ‘without’ meant too that I was completely susceptible to any care and attention from others, I didnt have a ‘God shaped hole’ in my life – it was more emotionally psychological than that (not that I knew at the time, most of the time) , but I certainly filled this with ‘God-shaped’ activities, in becoming part of a church through my teens and beyond. Neglect is one of the biggest issues in Child Safeguarding.

    That ‘without’ has then played out in so many ways.

    As I grew up ‘without’ I had to force myself to consider valuing myself.

    To ‘treat’ myself

    To ask for help – and know it could be trusted

    To realise I couldn’t do it alone

    To realise too that I could receive love, blessings, hope and be able to see, feel and experience the love of the universe, God and others.

    Over the last few weeks I have realised that I would have struggled to read, or dwell in the ‘Blessings’ of the book that I bought a few weeks ago (by John O Donohue) – I would have discounted these as weird, ‘new age’ , ‘not very christian’ – all to hide the real truth, that I didnt want to accept that I could receive something good, or feel something good, a blessing.

    Learning to live ‘without’ – has meant having to now come close to and notice those things, notice, accept, and know. Sometimes I get angry that I realise how much I was fucked up by my parents. Sometimes, like this moment with Oprah and a strawberry it gives me an opportunity to pause again, face a truth, and remind myself, compassionately of who I truly am. To be grateful of how I survived, and my strength in doing so. To be compassionate on my wounded heart and its capacity to love.

    There are many scarcities in life, and shame is one of them, its anti dote is self compassion. So, as I close…

    May I breath in the love of the universe, kindness, goodness and generosity, may I be healed through attending to myself, and holding myself with warmth. May I hold myself with warmth as I attend to and discover what happened to me.

    Every moment acts as an opportunity for self compassion. This journey keeps on giving.

    Thank you and bless you for reading. May you receive and give love.

  • Might the Emotionally Abusive treat pets like they do animals? (mine did)

    Narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic people dont see you.

    They just dont.

    They only see you as an extension of themselves

    Or as something to take from.

    A tool.

    You are their entitlement.

    Thats the humans. Or the items they see, that they take.

    But what about animals? The pets in the home?

    What happens when such a person also has a pet? or if there is one in the home?

    Research here indicates how pets are used as part of Domestic Abuse

    And here too

    They can be used as a way of keeping someone in a DV relationship, pets can be abused themselves.

    One of the ways that I have heard repeatedly is that physically violent people (often men) enact their physical violence out on their pet. The stats in this piece are frightening and awful.

    But I am wondering something else, something more subtle.

    How might the way an emotional or psychological abuser treat a pet be an indication of abuse?

    Can I tell you a short story please? About my psychopathic parent and what she could/couldnt do with animals?

    When I was about 4, for some reason, probably to be helpful, my parents decided to look after 4-5 3-4 month old kittens, whilst the owner was away open holiday I guess, but I cannot remember. In our old house my Dad was in the process of blocking off one of the old chimney breasts, the other was kept open for fires. But there was a large bricked hole in the wall which, with blankets, could act as a bed for the kittens, and could also be blocked off to keep them in there at night. If I remember too, the kittens were only allowed downstairs. I dont remember much about the stay of the kittens themselves. Only that in the last 24 hours before the owners returned, they tried to escape by climbing the chimney. I think 2 or 3 of them went for it, climbing up. One parent shrieked and got upset, whilst the other and I tried to get them down, using broom handles etc, and they did, eventually, sooty and black, they were white ish to start with. Trapped kittens trying to escape.

    Here’s another.

    My Dad loved guinea pigs, he’d had them as a child. We weren’t allowed pets (aside from a goldfish that lasted 3 years that was won at a school fair) But we could have guinea pigs, if they stayed in the shed. Yup. Nothing was allowed in the abusers domain they she didnt want or like or distracted from her and definitely not an animal. That reminds me. She hated when her favourite people had pets, and she hated the pets too.

    Completely unnecessary photo of a guinea pig, One of my childhood ones did look like this cutey.

    But back to the guinea pigs.

    During the winter they would be allowed on a Saturday or Sunday inside the house for about an hour whilst my dad cleaned out their cage. In the Summer they could be left outside eating grass and in their outdoor cage. So the two of them, salt and pepper their names, were placed in a large flat plastic sheeting covered in hay etc and allowed to run around and we could groom them, stroke their hair etc and cut their nails. All the things that were required to look after them. We all loved them.

    Well, three of us did.

    One person would sit in the corner and have nothing to do with them. I remember us, naive and young, pleading that ‘mum should have a guinea pig too’ – and she would so so reluctantly make a big deal of having one on her knee, and then get all nervous, shaky and fearful it would move, scratch.

    In Short, Psychopath, emotionally neglectful and abusive mother, couldn’t even stroke the guinea pigs.

    The guinea pig could not give her anything. She had no maternal instinct what so ever. Not even to pets. She hated other pets as I said above.

    She didnt even stroke the guinea pigs, might be the thing I wrote on her tombstone.

    Thats my experience of the emotionally abusive and animals. Want to avoid them, can’t relate to them, cant be seen to be attentive of them, neglectful and hating of them.

    So I am wondering, might other emotionally abusive, emotionally immature people extend their same behaviour to humans to their pets?

    Physical abuse is obvious and tragic, but what about pets that are emotionally abused and neglected. Animals that are a tool and not an animal with needs. Treating a pet with the same way they treat a human, as just an extension.

    Theres a definate link, but am just wondering if emotional abusive behaviour towards pets goes a bit under the radar. Do you have any examples?

    Any thoughts? Might you have examples like this, of weird behaviour towards the family pets by someone psychotic or emotionally immature in the family?

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 31) It wasn’t a relationship, just roles being played.

    Its a shame that your relationship with your parents has broken down…

    Id like to try and respond to a question that I often get in relation to my Parents. Its based on the relatively frequent statement that I get, from well meaning and concerned friends and also others, and its a difficult thing to try and explain, but I will do so anyway.

    By the way, if you haven’t read it, there’s 30 parts to my survival story, and its here , and theres 15 things not to say to children who have abusive parents here – as there are others to that of above..

    And I completely get it the sense that for some people they have a ‘normal relationship’ or even a viable relationship with their parents – one in which theres maturity, fun, highs, lows, conversations, and an emotional maturity – or an acceptance of growing, changing etc. Its viable, at least – no relationship is normal I guess.

    The thing is though, a broken down relationship and reconciliation requires a number of factors – truth, honesty and also a requirement for change to happen – and importantly – a broken down relationship implies that there was actually a relationship in the first place.

    This is the bit that is and has always been difficult to explain.

    I have described already that I was given a variety of roles as a child – chief comforter of the abusive one, trophy child, ‘mature’ , the little grown up, having to work hard, fixer and responsible, being taken from for her glory – with high expectations of making them proud or avoiding giving them stress.

    I was born with a role.

    My Sister was also born with a role.

    (My Dad was also given a role.)

    All of these roles are in relation to the abusive one, my emotionally immature mother who was and is mother-child and has many indicators of dark-triad personality, showing high narcissism and psychopathy. It was impossible not to have a role-self as a child – and have the choice to comply or reject this role. With fear and punishment for rebelling or threatening too.

    One of the reasons for this is that she played roles too. From an early age I can remember her having to articulate being ‘mum’ now or ‘putting on her ‘dinner lady’ hat on, or ‘loving wife deacon’ role – at church on a Sunday. This got worse as ‘grandma’ , ‘minister’ were added later on.

    ‘Im playing mum role now‘

    Unbeknown to me as a very young child, or even later, this behaviour was normalised – even if it seemed weird – what it might reveal is a splintered personality, deeply – but as a child it meant that there was a falseness to how any interaction was, it was as if it was being played. Disintegrated.

    Maybe this is normal too – but it was very obvious too that the mother ‘role’ was the one that she was grumpily reluctant to do, or fulfil – especially instead of work related, or professional ones – most notably anything to do with being a minister. This was the place where she could dedicate to avoid any parenting ‘role’ – which seemed inferior.

    So, as part of my survival in this dynamic I had to develop a ‘role-self’ – growing up fast, keeping quiet – because what I wasn’t able to be was my true self – adapting myself into conformity in a role, trying hard to be – for security, belonging or reward – were that to ever come, but gave up on that ages ago.

    Nothing around someone so emotionally immature, or psychopath can be seen for itself – it is seen for what it can be for that person to take from, like a parasite. This includes possessions, ceremonies like weddings or funerals (they destroy these) or the general public to denigrate (like waiters etc – big red flag). This included what the three of us around her could be taken from and destroyed.

    If the persons around such a person are playing roles – to survive – with a person who is splintered themselves into roles and creates roles around them to take from … what kind of relationship is there?

    There isn’t one.

    Not a viable, safe one, not one where any sense of real self can be present. Just one in which roles are enforced, played or avoided.

    Some of this ‘role’ / hat wearing is revealed when they make contact via writing or email – its often far too formal (going into business speak) , too spiritual (a high spiritualised self) , or mixing up tenses or mixing up writing in the first or third person in the space of one sentence or paragraph – and rarely using ‘I’ – I’ve written about the confusion of the toxic email here. They often write as if its from the other person – the partner who is ‘once’ – but there are usually clues to this – watch for it.

    Anyway, what am I getting at.

    I suppose what I’m getting at is that part of all of this is an acceptance, of seeing all the roles having to be played – and of realising that because of this – there wasnt an actual relationship – ever. Now, obviously to maintain a role there has to be a lot of pretending, hiding, lying, to maintain appearances and then patterns of denial or justification when threatened. Some of that is what im having to do with therapy, see the roles, and work out what I needed, or what I hid, and denied in myself, feelings, emotions and creativity.

    There wasnt a relationship to breakdown. Just people playing parts to survive a psychopath.

  • Fathers Day; It’s Complicated

    Mothers Day is ‘easy’, as is her birthday. Its not easy, but it’s easy because it’s clear cut, if you have read anything of my story on these pages, or had met her, you will know.

    For some of you reading this, Fathers day is the clear cut one. Not easy, not ever easy, but its clear, if your father abused you, hurt you, abandoned you, or beat up your mum, Fathers day brings with it horrible trauma, understandably, as its being dealt with, I’m not in any way saying that its easy, at all – more reflecting that there’s a clarity, however rough, in facing that day as a horrendously difficult one, as its a permanent reminder of the abusive, toxic one. For me- that day is Mothers day.

    But Fathers day – the celebratory day , for me, of the ‘other’ parent – its complicated isn’t it?

    Even as I grew up, from mid teens onwards there was a recognition of the ‘difficult relationship people has with their fathers’ – on fathers day. But that wasn’t me.

    The difficult relationship was with the psychopathic other one.

    So, I could, somehow think to myself- aged 12 onwards that I was somehow alone, in that no-one had difficult mum issues, and also that compared to mum issues I did have, I didnt have dad issues. Or at least, I had lesser Dad issues that have only arisen to the surface as I have begun in recent times to deal with the mum issues.

    Growing up, the eldest male child – of an abused Father. A Father still caught in the web of her abuse. A Father powerless. or…. A Father choosing to stay trapped, choosing loyalty, actively making a choice?

    I kind of get, how a child of abused female parent is expected to rationalise their action -The abusive male is stronger, more powerful physically, the child watching the damage to their mum – is undoubtedly traumatised – but she isnt expected to fight back, yet might protect her children and leave for safety.

    What kind of emotional strength and awareness would it take for a man to leave an abusive woman?

    Thats the question I am left facing in regard to my Dad, for 40 years I know I was afraid, for 40 years I ran and hid, for 40 years I couldn’t see it either – caught in her toxic web – the trophy, compliant child, walking on eggshells.

    Its complicated, Fathers Day.

    On one hand, my Dad didnt abuse me, frighten me, hurt me, bully or reject me. So thats a tick.

    But on the other, he didn’t protect me from the one who did abuse, frighten, hurt and bully, not just me..but everyone. Thats the tick taken away, isnt it?

    And he did carry out the ‘Dad’ punishments on behalf of the other one, when she got upset by something I did or didnt do – that to her was unreasonable.

    Slippers used to beat me on at least two occasions, and on both I can remember thinking that he wasnt really invested in doing it, wasnt really him, just being told to do it by her. Child-mum got upset. Emotional, couldn’t cope.

    And he didnt ever stand up to her – for either of us – never saying ‘You’re being too hard on them’ to her… but , instead saying things like ‘ Just do that thing to please your mother’ or ‘ Dont upset her’ – all the whole realising that it made absolutely no difference.

    Keep off the eggshells, or ill be in trouble too. he might as well have said.

    Often he was just her tool.

    Defending her, when others called her out.

    I am reminded of this- and the book it came from:

    Essentially, you dont get to have only one Emotionally immature Parent. At least, I dont. The obvious one is the Emotional one, the Child-mother. Dad is Passive parent, to the textbook.

    ‘Passive parents aren’t angry or pushy like the other three types, but they still have negative effects. They positive acquire to dominant personalities and often partner with more aggressive types who are also emotionally immature, which makes sense given that people with similar emotional maturity levels are attracted to one another. Comparesd to other types, these passive parents seem more emotionally available, but only up to a point. When things get too intense, they become passive, withdraw emotionally, and hide their heads in the sand. They dont offer their children any limits or guidance or help them to navigate the world,. They may love you, but they cant help you’

    Lindsay C Gibson, Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents (2015)

    He was also completely un-trustworthy – her Flying Monkey , he’d be the one to glean information, good (easy to talk to) cop, though didnt offer anything in return – no empathy, advice, genuine concern – was just listening for information to take back. I learned not to trust this parent. Any attention he got made the other jealous, so actually it would become difficult to know how to gauge what to do. He knew we, as children or a family, would spend time with him, when she wasnt around. Yet, he would hide away to stay out of the line of fire, I mean he didnt spend hours in a shed, garage or converting an attic for nothing – or somebody elses.

    The image is right though, playful – and also at times fun – especially when I was a much younger child, and would still play board games , also the helpful fixer – practically doing things, making, fixing, DIY and all of that, though that DIY ‘dependency’ would be a way for her to be involved – so again he was being used.

    What makes all this complicated is the level to which I regard him as someone who could have made different choices, someone who may have realised a long time ago that he has missed out on many aspects of actual life – like relationships with his own kids, grandkids, family and others – and chosen instead a path of least resistance and loyalty. For too long people would say ‘I feel so sorry for ________ (insert my Dads name) he’s such a nice guy – really helpful – he shouldn’t miss out – just because of your mum’ – and maybe, feeling sorry meant that I or others kept softer boundaries with him, that the other parent bull dozed through – (a marathon of miles taken when an inch was offered).

    I could understand that he was scared of her, everyone was, but if he was scared of her – why did he not think that his children needed protecting from her too? Maybe thats it, maybe thats what makes it complicated, he was in his own survival mode that we were all in, whilst the psychopath took everything for herself – am I angry- no – is it complicated? Yes. Could he have taken responsibility – and not left the emotional responsibility to me in the house? Yes, Could he have thought his children have some emotional welfare against her abuse? Yes

    Was he continually lied to by her? Was he stuck in the midst of the Darvo game she played? Did he accept breadcrumbs? Was he coerced to be loyal for religious reasons? – probably yes to all.

    Maybe, I just realised that because of his loyalty to her, despite all the abuse, then what I had to do was treat them as the pair that they are.

    Fathers Day. Its complicated. When one parent is only slightly better than a very abusive one, doesnt mean that they’re in anyway good, nurturing, protective or supportive, especially when enmeshed in their lair. He’s a grown up though, its his responsibility to change himself. Happy Fathers day ; To the parent who isnt as bad as the other one – isnt going to sell many in Clinton cards…

    So – what do I feel? Feelings are complicated today – because all of this is complicated. Sometimes I feel angry and annoyed, then I feel guilty for feeling angry and annoyed , because well, that anger and annoyed should be directed at the other parent – then I wonder if in reality there is no such thing as a perfect dad anyway and do I have unrealistic expectations – but actually thats just a cop out. I can choose to have neither part of my life, especially while both exist as a pair. Its just easier that way. Whilst im writing this, im realising im a week early in processing this, thinking that Fathers day is tomorrow when it actually isnt, says something about how im feeling I guess.

    Its also complicated because I am also a Dad too, and trying to unlearn what I grew up with, to be a better person and man today, every day.