James Ballantyne

Tag: reconciliation

  • Wounded hands….that Cooked.

    Wounded hands….that Cooked.

    ‘Then Jesus served them with the fish’

    This is from Johns Gospel, Chapter 21 v 12.

    The post resurrection stories have always fascinated me, there’s about 5 pieces on Emmaus and the fishing story on my old blog alone, and I was about to do a full research MA on Emmaus at one time.

    So, on this easter monday, I’m sitting with a coffee and reading them again.

    From John 21.

    The disciples, full.of uncertainty of their futures, and the relationship they have with Jesus, head out fishing.

    A normal avoidant, fearful thing to do, when in trauma, stay busy, don’t let the thoughts appear, go back to something familiar….people please by doing something helpful…

    They don’t catch fish…..but it wasn’t about the fish.

    Until Jesus appears and tells them where.

    And then they catch fish.

    And they recognise him.

    And they head onto the beach with their catch, excited, fearful,

    Jesus had cooked fish.

    And was about to cook more.

    On a fire.

    Now, I’m no expert in 1st Century beach barbeques, or cooking utensils, but I’m going to hazard a guess that it wasn’t a gas stove with utensils….

    Maybe sticks hanging fish over the fire….or a primative pan…

    But it just struck me…

    The disciples could see that Jesus had cooked fish, with his bare wounded hands…..

    And in doing so…I wonder….

    Might there be a something in the how and what he cooked? 

    Would they have some idea of his ‘mood’ towards them by the way he was cooking the fish….

    Anxious, angry hands struggle with delicate cooking

    Anxious angry minds can’t process many things at once

    And fish needed delicately cooking over a fire…with all that heat

    Maybe the disciples could see in the way that Jesus cooked the fish, how he was cooking, and sense how they were about to be treated emotionally.

    If Jesus wounded hands were calm, and gentle with delicate fish, even if their palms were sore with wounds….might this have given the disciples reassurance of their woundedness.and fear being gently handled too?

    Was this what the disciples noticed?

    I wonder…

    They were used to Jesus serving them, he washed their feet, this was a breakfast on the beach with layers on.

    Maybe their was something in the way Jesus cooked, not just where, when and what he cooked.

    Wounded hearts require delicate gentle warmth.

    It wasn’t about the fish, or fishing, it was something else, yes it was something that resonated with them, fish was part of their routine and past, yet…maybe it was in the way in which it was being prepared, and cooked….that wounded hands cooked gentle and with love,  the disciples felt safe, felt cared for, despite all the uncertainty around them.

  • The dawning reality, that your life was a lie

    One of the things I have had to come to terms with is that my life as a child was a lie. It took a while and wasn’t the first thing I started to see in the last few years as ive healed and undergone self awareness and therapy.

    Thats the reality when I see what happened to me.

    Though, I was aware of the weirdness of my parents, but….

     

    It was a lie.

    What I was told was a lie.

    What I was told about other members of my family, was a lie.

    What I was told to believe about expectations

    What I wasn’t told about encouragment

    What I was told to do was hold on to belief that divided

    What I was told to do to show loyalty to someone emotionally abusive

    What I was told to be

    That truth told was a deluded reality

    What I was encouraged to do about emotions

    That life was about walking on eggshells and fear.

     

    Dont listen to other people, they are the problem, no. the person who said this was.

    Their toxicity needs getting rid of. No, Yours does.

    They are the problem – no, your jealousy is

    Theres too many gossips in this town – no theres too many people who have been hurt by you that you are trying to discredit

    Stand up for yourself – but you’ll be in trouble if you dare stand up against me

    They pick on me – No, you can’t see why others see you as unwelcome, shocking and abusive.

    Soothe me and my emotional meltdowns – dont have your own feelings

    Im trying my best to be a good parent – goodness doesn’t come naturally to the entitled.

     

     

    It was all a lie. A lie cloaked in delusions and entitlement

    A lie – cloaked in the truth orientated ‘world’ of evangelicalism. God is on our side.  

    God the unseen presence, fear that terrified and controlled.

    When your whole life was a lie.

    A lie because the lies I had to believe were from the person who was meant to be the nurturer, protector, care giver.

    A lie because that was the default. Nothing good, generous, positive, just a dominating wounded ego, bordering psychopathy.

    A lie because emotionally immaturity, psychopathic externalising framed my entire upbringing.

    For 40 years, my life was a lie.

    How do I know?

    Because those who were lied to started to tell stories. Those who had been divided by hatred and suspicion realised that they had been treated the same.  Reconciliation occurred with truth telling. Truth required risk.

    But everything before it… was manipulative emotionally abusive lying.

    At least I now know.

    At least, im grateful… that truth sets people free. It really does.

    Im grateful that I can see

    That life begins in truth, at 42.

    With love, and a family I never had.

    Now I can see.