I think I must have been 7 or 8 years old when I got the lead role in the Primary school play, I was to take the part of the shop keeper. There was no selection process, other that my primary school teacher Mrs Knox (I think) choosing me for the role. I remember it well.
I have been reflecting on vulnerability recently, and also reading Brene Browns book ‘Braving the Wilderness’ in it she tells stories of her childhood. Maybe thats why this one comes to mind to me.
I played the shopkeeper – I was given the ‘adult’ role in the group, being the ‘grown up’ aged 7 or 8 – When everyone else in the class could be a toy, a doll, a vehicle, an action hero. When the shopkeeper (me) closed the door at 5pm, the toys (my friends in costumes) all came mysteriously to life.
They could play in front of people. I had 5 mins at the beginning of the performance and less than 2 mins at the end – the other 40 odd minutes was about the playful enjoyment of the toys that came to life and their adventures, self realisation of ‘life’ and what they discovered they could do – alive.
When they played, I was to one side, waiting for my moment – waiting for a moment to respond to their sneaky, secret playing; being the magical toys that came to life. I overlooked, whilst they played – even at age 7. I watched other people play and have fun.
I was to be the one who was shocked, betrayed, and look as If I was telling them off for it. What and whose role was I copying here I wonder?
The joke was on me. It was also on me, as my time arrived to respond I had to do a ‘shocked’ face, and what I expected was the audience, including my parents, to clap and cheer and even be with me in my faux astonishment – from what I remember, the audience thought it was funny and laughed.
It wasnt a ‘I tripped over on the stage’ moment when they laughed because I made a mistake – no – there was laughter in the audience when I did what I was supposed to do. The joke was on me – twice.
I had never really thought about my ‘on stage’ moments before, I was narrator in a few Christmas nativities or in the orchestra for others, I wonder now what was going on in me at that very young age.
I was good at reading and music, so they might have been easy reasons for my roles. But..
I remember now, 37 years on, being uncomfortable with being physically embarrassed, ie acting, dancing in public that sort of thing. It was as if I couldn’t see myself doing that movement and so I’d shy away from it.
Though I played sports and for teams, the same public physical disconnection occured, I was good in practice but for the team not so much. I couldn’t disconnect brain, thinking slowed down instinct…there was something about how I couldn’t connect my physical body, relax, let it move – so self conscious, so in my head.
And since the same age, probably 7 or 8 I hated action songs in church – and wherever possible hid behind playing the music for them.
There was something also about seeing life from a viewpoint that everyone else seems to have fun, or be able too, and from an early age I was cast as ‘responsible’ or narrator or musical prompt (of others fun) and until these last few days I hadn’t really realised it.
Fun was what other people had…
So it was better for me to grow up quickly and leave fun behind…do sensible things, like study and learn – I assessed that I was to do ‘responsible’ things.
At least, even from primary school that’s the role I played, so I became the facilitator of other people’s fun, on the edges, the sidelines, the owner of the shop, not the toy that came to life. The responsible one.
Theres something there about becoming a youth worker – facilitating other peoples fun, putting my own ‘fun’ to one side..
It’s amazing how some of the smallest things in our childhoods are seen in a new light, light at all, and I’m constantly reminded that being close to these things is an opportunity to heal them. Not that these were traumatic experienced, but ones where I look back on and reflect somewhat… Did these roles cast me in them – or were they what my teachers identified as my strengths? could easily be both.. ..
What about you? What school experiences did you have that might be signs or symbols for you?
James Ballantyne 