James Ballantyne

Tag: Reparenting

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy

  • The struggle to ‘do’ my own healing work

    The struggle to ‘do’ my own healing work

    One of the hardest things for me about rebuilding after trauma is to do it.

    Its not a linear thing, but I find it fascinating that what I needed in the midst of dealing the traumatic situations was a calm cool head, the oft said ‘breathe’ and as Van Der Kolk writes about, to use breathing to begin to bring the intellect into play, when in an emotionally traumatic experience.

    If part of the rebuild after emotional trauma is to be in a safe place, a calm one, then its fascinating that the rebuild requires a active shift.

    Research suggests that creative practices (Cappachione, 1988) and physical practices (Van Der Kolk 2014) are keys to the re-make post trauma.

    So its a doing thing.

    I have to participate in my own trauma rebuilding.

    Id rather learn the theory.

    Im used to creating spaces to help others do this

    Im used to watching from the sidelines

    I watch, while others dance.

    Watching, rather than being active, Hobbies that have included transporting, birdwatching, all stemming from a need to be observant of others.

    Yet I still find ‘doing’ recovery from trauma practices difficult, because it involves parts of me that have been inhibited, restricted, shamed into non being.

    ‘We dont do that sort of thing’ (Dance),

    ‘Thats a bit weird and of the devil’ (Yoga),

    ‘Dont make a mess , we dont want to clutter up the kitchen with these drawings’ (Art and Creativity), dont be silly, dont be messy.

    Its like to trying to de-concentrate and just do.

    Id rather write a blog about why I find doing trauma remaking practices difficult than pick up a wax crayon. But its so that I didnt have to write this line, that the last week I have been picking up the wax crayons.

    Thats the thing though, I have to let my head stop. Yet its what I needed to survive.

    I need to just do. Let my body do.

    I may have read about theory of trauma, but unless its a tick box exercise, Id avoid the exercises in even the list of resources in the menu above.

    It was only in front of my therapist that I drew a picture.

    Draw something on a sheet of paper. No – I cant draw

    Go on – No – why, its pointless

    Do it….No its silly

    Its like learning to swear and get it out. Let feelings loose

    Use crayons and scribble, let it happen…

    Theres so many reasons why I find participating in my own healing difficult.

    So many excuses not to, because theres other peoples to think of

    But also, so used to being the observer to other peoples existence, the soother of others pain, concentrating to stay safe, being told not to feel, easily distracted by the safety of helping others, and having my brain engaged in debates, or the empathy and response patterns of social media.

    It means me being selfish with my time. Investing in myself as I reparent myself.

    My remaking after trauma and through it involved my participation.

    Just doing it. Like there Nike Advert.

    Im glad my therapist recommended this book: ‘Recovery of your inner child’ by Lucio Cappachione to me. Because, although it contains some writing, it also has many exercises to actually do. Things I had to do. Myself.

    Things I had to do and feel. Do and respond to.

    Im not sure its possible to theorise my way out of trauma. Or to watch others. Or just to talk about it.

    Remaking after trauma is a participation thing, that I have to do.

    What about you? Are you in that mindset struggle to ‘do’ the practices of self care/healing? Do you have strategies, things you tell yourself? Do share below: