James Ballantyne

Tag: restoration

  • Wounded hands….that Cooked.

    Wounded hands….that Cooked.

    ‘Then Jesus served them with the fish’

    This is from Johns Gospel, Chapter 21 v 12.

    The post resurrection stories have always fascinated me, there’s about 5 pieces on Emmaus and the fishing story on my old blog alone, and I was about to do a full research MA on Emmaus at one time.

    So, on this easter monday, I’m sitting with a coffee and reading them again.

    From John 21.

    The disciples, full.of uncertainty of their futures, and the relationship they have with Jesus, head out fishing.

    A normal avoidant, fearful thing to do, when in trauma, stay busy, don’t let the thoughts appear, go back to something familiar….people please by doing something helpful…

    They don’t catch fish…..but it wasn’t about the fish.

    Until Jesus appears and tells them where.

    And then they catch fish.

    And they recognise him.

    And they head onto the beach with their catch, excited, fearful,

    Jesus had cooked fish.

    And was about to cook more.

    On a fire.

    Now, I’m no expert in 1st Century beach barbeques, or cooking utensils, but I’m going to hazard a guess that it wasn’t a gas stove with utensils….

    Maybe sticks hanging fish over the fire….or a primative pan…

    But it just struck me…

    The disciples could see that Jesus had cooked fish, with his bare wounded hands…..

    And in doing so…I wonder….

    Might there be a something in the how and what he cooked? 

    Would they have some idea of his ‘mood’ towards them by the way he was cooking the fish….

    Anxious, angry hands struggle with delicate cooking

    Anxious angry minds can’t process many things at once

    And fish needed delicately cooking over a fire…with all that heat

    Maybe the disciples could see in the way that Jesus cooked the fish, how he was cooking, and sense how they were about to be treated emotionally.

    If Jesus wounded hands were calm, and gentle with delicate fish, even if their palms were sore with wounds….might this have given the disciples reassurance of their woundedness.and fear being gently handled too?

    Was this what the disciples noticed?

    I wonder…

    They were used to Jesus serving them, he washed their feet, this was a breakfast on the beach with layers on.

    Maybe their was something in the way Jesus cooked, not just where, when and what he cooked.

    Wounded hearts require delicate gentle warmth.

    It wasn’t about the fish, or fishing, it was something else, yes it was something that resonated with them, fish was part of their routine and past, yet…maybe it was in the way in which it was being prepared, and cooked….that wounded hands cooked gentle and with love,  the disciples felt safe, felt cared for, despite all the uncertainty around them.

  • Soul Coffee with Donna

    I am not entirely sure if there are words in the dictionary to describe the events of my last three weeks, and in the main they are not for here. But let’s just say that for almost every single one of them, there have been moments of being brave, courageous, of facing inner and outer demons, and doing a lot of digging deep. Much has been revealed.

    But yesterday I crashed. I was done.

    A call to my line manager, and two much needed days off were required. Yet I woke today with barely a plan, and barely the energy to even think of what I might do for the day.

    Instead of giving I needed to receive.

    Instead of trying to write, and be creative, just needed to be

    Instead of learning I needed to feel

    Instead of self help, I turned to poetry.

    And after a walk along the river, and with my free Caffè Nero vouchers, started my flat white coffee, and picked up ‘Brave’ by Donna Ashworth.

    And for an hour it was as if she took me out for coffee.

    Words of her poetry speaking into my soul.

    Phrases that leapt off the page, some more warmly received than others, some affirming, some bringing a silent tear, but delivered with a warmth, care and love, that I needed.

    I offer some that struck out for me today, my coffee out with Donna Ashworth, for you today too.

    One Day you will see,

    That all this mud

    was simply the soil

    that grew you to full height

    (Donna Ashworth, Brave)

    You Mustn’t run on a broken leg

    bones rest to heal, thats true

    but you can still love with a

    broken heart and you must

    because love is the glue

    (Donna Ashworth, Brave)

    And this one:

    I wish you beauty in this life, my friend

    but most of all, I wish you the bravery

    to see that beauty in yourself

    because it is there, it most definitely is there.

    (Donna Ashworth, I wish you beauty)

    To become a more positive person

    you must make a pact with your inner child

    to hear her voice above that

    of your inner critics and demons

    (Donna Ashworth, The Positivity Pact)

    Just begin….

    The world may not immediately embrace

    your contribution

    but the universe will and its her you need on side

    (Donne Ashworth)

    If you dont know how to move forward…

    just take a few brave steps and have faith,

    the universe will meet you there

    (Donna Ashworth)

    It is brave not to be busy

    to be bare and boldly being

    when everyone else strives to buy

    the emperors new clothes

    (Donna Ashworth)

    My Soul garden is in bloom when light is being sought

    and love is at the forefront of all I choose

    starting with

    me

    (Donna Ashworth, Soul Garden)

    Sometimes it was just the words in between the poems, the almost throw away sentences that had no titles, not made it to ‘poetry status’ just gaps in between when balming words gracefully arrived from the page.

    In amidst the conversations in the coffee shop, I had this one with Donna Ashworth, she sat there, invisible in the chair, but the words of her heart, written, calmed and restored my soul.

    The Magnificence of the moon

    is rarely captured by camera

    what makes you think

    you are any different?

    (Donna Ashworth)

    If I ever meet you Donna, I’ll buy you a coffee.

    Thank you.