Deep down what are the rules that shape the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think about yourself, the way you think about others?
Give yourself a minute or two
Which of them might be the rules that you were ‘given’ through your childhood?
Maybe from a faith group?, from school? or somewhere else
As someone brought up in an evangelical christian home, and church – the implicit rules from the faith were one thing, but only added to through my childhood experiences at home.
What Ive discovered is that some of these rules need to be broken.
What I have also realised is that people who like rules try and keep the rules, and can only say that you’re crazy or weird when you break them.
What I realised that is breaking the rules is actually good.
Some of the wrong rules are described by Melody Beattie in her brilliant book ‘Beyond Codependency’ (Theres a link on the resources page above)
Not all of these apply to me, but, I recognised that so many of these had been mainstays in my own life. I had been trying to keep the wrong rules.
- Don’t feel or talk about feelings (for me my feelings were secondary to soothing others)
- Don’t think, figure things out, or make decisions – you probably don’t know what you want or what is best for you
- Don’t identify, mention or solve problems – its not okay to have them
- Don’t be who you are because thats not good enough
- Don’t be selfish, put yourself first, say what want and need, say no, set boundaries, or take care of yourself – always take care of others and never hurt their feelings or make them angry
- Don’t have fun, be silly, or enjoy life – it costs money, makes noise, or mess, and isnt necessary
- Don’t trust yourself, your Higher power, the process of life or certain people – instead ut your faith in untrustworthy people; then act surprised when they let you down
- Don’t be open, honest and direct – hint manipulate, get others to talk for you, guess what they want and need and expect them to do the same for you
- Don’t get close to people, it isnt safe
- Don’t disrupt the system by growing and changing
(Melody Beattie)
Some of these rules are there to protect the system, the system of the organisation of the faith, they are often passed on from generation to generation. Following these rules keeps people locked in codependancy. Now, for me, im reading these rules and realising that many of these rules, not all of them, have guided my life for so long. If I realise what happened when or if I dared to express feelings or needs, or made any kind of choice or decision. As I said not all of them.
What I didn’t ever know was that I was ok for me to be who I was, and good enough.
What I didn’t ever have was the opportunity to know how to take care of myself
To have fun (that wasn’t belittled or patronised)..
And shame, guilt and disapproval keeps the rules in check. These rules govern silently. I was selfish for feeling, selfish for acting, selfish for making any kind of decision.
But
Its ok to change the rules. I realised that the rules I followed didn’t do me any good. The rules I followed, were just that, rules. They kept my decisions away from my heart. New life, new rules. Though its hard to not act like im still following the old rules, breaking free has been tough, and thats where my support group, my friends, books like the one I mention above have helped to realise the rules, and make new ones, and to decide what kind of rules I want to have in the rest of my life.
As Melody said, and I underlined. The first rule is that it is ok to break the rules.
The second is that that breaking might need to happen aggressively, change, assertive, to take back the power that you and I rightly have.
Im learning to follow these rules:
- Its okay to feel my feelings and talk about them when its safe and appropriate, and I want to
- I can think, make good decisions, and figure things out
- I can have, talk about and solve my problems
- Its ok for me to be who I am
- I can make mistakes, be imperfect, sometimes be weak, sometimes be not so great, or good, sometimes be better, and occasionally be great
- Its ok to be selfish at times, put myself first sometimes. and say what I want and need
- Its okay to give to others, but its ok to keep some for myself too
- Its ok for me to take care of me. I can say no and set boundaries
- Its okay to have fun, be silly sometimes, and enjoy life
- I can make good decisions about who I can trust. I can trust myself. I can trust God even when it looks like I cant
- I can be appropriately vulnerable
- I can be direct and honest
- Its okay for me to be close to some people
- I can grow and change, even if that means rocking a bunch of boats
- I can grow at my own pace
- I can love and be loved. And I can love me, because I am lovable. And I am good enough.
(These are also taken from Melody’s book – do add your own)
And I say im learning because old habits die hard. One of the things I realised is that for so long, for most of my life I have been in endurance or survivor mode, bouncing off, every moment, drama and painful situation, just getting through. Mostly getting through the drama of everyone else, being the calm, strong one, the one that supports others, but didnt ever, for a long time, seek it myself. For me it is time to break rules, time to learn new rules, time to enjoy life in which new rules stem from my heart, my soul and from a place of health, safety, truth and power. Im learning to accept me, for who I am, not what I ought to be.
James Ballantyne 