But its rude to say it
Just say it
No, it sounds wrong
Just say it
I can write it down
Say it James
You mean its ok to
Yes, just say it James.
It feels uncomfortable, ill get into trouble
No you won’t, Just say it, get it out
Why do you want me to?
Stop delaying, just say it
Ok……… FUCK…… (in the tiniest of calmest of maturest voices)
YAY..well done!
Learning to say fuck was one of my healing moments.
Saying it, with my voice.
Allowing the word to bubble up, and be out of my mouth before my head tried to stop it. Maybe not the first time. The first time was the excruciating torture I describe above.
Do it, do it, do it.. Being taught to swear, was like everything I hadn’t been allowed to do since I was born. And definately something I stopped doing since I had to grow up and be the responsible one, the morally good one, the leader…
Writing it didn’t count. Because often what I can type, is my head playing with words, its not my heart, my feelings actually making themselves felt in my body.
Paralysed by politeness, inhibited by responsibility, fearing consequences. Thinking it was shameful.
I was inhibited.
Anger dormant.. (and it still is being worked on)
Uptight
Needing to loosen up.
The ‘always responsible’ needing to let himself go.
Relax.
Saying F**K was a beginning.
and trying not to give a F**K about it either.
Enjoying it.
It felt good.
Saying it.
Talking of inhibitions, I realised too that being the responsible one had meant I had never got drunk in my life. And especially not drank when I knew that emotionally unsafe people were drinking. Though also not because of the same reasons as above too.
Not wanting to let myself go. Worrying about what I might find.
Saying F**K was part of my healing process.
I needed to say it, to bring out to the surface all the ‘F**K’s I had held in, all there built up rage, anger, frustration, hurt, pain inside.
Sometimes F**K is completely and utterly appropriate. Because it described how you feel when you have been treated appallingly and abusively.
It may not be the ‘release’ for you that it was for me, it may be something else.
Maybe its to do something spontaneous, fun, silly, and let yourself go. Maybe we all need to do a lot more of that anyway.
The problem for many is that we care too much about others, and too little about ourselves. We give too many F**Ks and care too much about stuff that shouldn’t feature (and books like this help, on prioritising where to, and where not to give a ‘F’ about)
Part of my healing and recovery in those first few months was actually trying to toughen up a bit. To care less. To worry about others less. To give more of a F about myself.
Learning to say Fuck was part of that process.
James Ballantyne 