James Ballantyne

Tag: Self-compassion

  • The Story I’ve waited a year to tell.

    I have waited a full year to tell you this story. It’s a personal one, but I hope a good one, and please do bear with the length of it, grab yourself a coffee or tea and strap in.

    Maybe many of you have been reading my work for a while, if you go back to youth work days, maybe its 2013…and some of you will be friends I haven’t seen for a long while, and some of you might be readers from across the globe who I have no idea of, but what many of you will know about from reading is some of my story. Some. not all.

    So, this is a little bit about the story of James, of me, in 2023-4. Actually come to think about it, there’s a piece about stories I want to share soon, but this one comes first.

    You have heard so much about the pain I have had to face. It won’t be repeated here.

    In early 2023, I thought, I thought I had got to a good place in how I had recovered. I thought i could leave stuff behind.

    I was wrong. Deep down I knew it, I knew I was faking it. But I did try.

    But it didnt stop me trying to believe it.

    What I thought was the end of a story, in which I stood up to my abusive parent, actually hadn’t ended, they had in fact been validated, protected and also given a powerful role.

    This I discovered in June 2023.

    And then I crashed, big time.

    Summer 2023 was a blur.

    Of despair, bleak, blackness, and every childhood voice of defeat rang squarely in my head.

    Nothing made sense, I was unsafe, and I was defeated.

    I gave up everything that seemed to be creative, positive or constructive, self belief, and confidence shattered, so no camera, photography felt useless, or video chats, or anything.

    I had to dig deep. I wanted to hide.

    Yes I could have fought the battle more, but I had no energy.

    I was exhausted.

    And I was about to quit.

    Just wanted to run. hide and even considered taking a job cleaning northern trains, and if you know anything about the level of alcohol or vomit stains on northern trains….

    I knew there was stuff I needed to face and deal with

    I also knew I needed help

    I also knew, again, that I was going to grow and learn and get better.

    A number of things happened.

    Firstly, I had to get vulnerable, and firstly with my new line manager, given the complications of it all. She was and has been immense in all this.

    Secondly… She ensured I got therapy paid for.

    Thirdly. I started to write my book, August bank holiday 2023, i wrote and wrote, stories of, words to and learning for my childhood self, this has subsequently been honed and developed and sent to an editor. However… this is the current story, not the past one.

    In and amongst all these things I maintained my reading, with not just John O’Donohue, but also Michael Singers book ‘The Untethered Soul’ was read on repeat for about 6 months.

    And I was starting what felt another rebuild. A rebuild I wanted to do as completely as was possible. Rock bottom and upwards..again.

    Nothing left unturned.

    So I got a therapist.

    I got journals

    I got myself back to work on me.

    Slowly does it.

    There were a few sessions in which I caused my therapist to cry.

    There were a few sessions in which I told him about how I was re writing my childhood story, and healing that neglected child that was close to suicide at 9.

    There were sessions of therapy in which I didnt always know what to say.

    Slowly by slowly.

    Until, one weekend, around the middle of or end of November I was reading the following section in John O’Donohue’s book, Anam Cara;

    The first step in awakening to your inner life and the depth and promise of your solitude is to view yourself as a stranger to your own deepest depths (p81)

    then going on to say

    Each inner demon holds a precious blessing that will heal and free you. To receive this gift you have to lay aside your fear and take the risk of loss and change that every inner encounter offers (p88)

    And this struck me.

    Because there were ALOT of voices in my head, self sabotage on autopilot most of time.

    For a number of years you will have realised I have been a fan of the ‘self love’ / ‘self compassion’ brigade (if there is such a thing), this I needed after starting from a very low point (see here), and so I had to be loved and safe in order to believe and be able to love my self.. I had to even think I deserved this.. this has taken a long time.

    And in the process I have been able, slowly to trust myself to love myself in this way, and it’s taken a long while.

    But I hadn’t considered what it might require for me to be a stranger to myself, and these words in the book were plainly what I needed to do.

    So thats kind of what I did.

    On a Saturday in late November last year, I sat and metaphorically took myself for a walk on the inside.

    I imagined it like Frodo (me), Sam (friend) and Gollum (enemy, but guide) going for a walk, having to be taken to the scary places (by the guide/stranger) and have a friend go with me, and encounter what I could find.

    And so I wrote this out, and mapped some of it.

    And noticed what I found.

    The voices that were telling me not to do this, were first.

    Fear. Ego. What was terrified.

    Then Self blame, self criticism and self loathing

    All voices that I had listened to for so long.

    All sensed, listened to, loved as a friend, and given the opportunity to leave, to not be needed anymore, and definitely not to protect me.

    It was mostly the voices of internalised darkness, rather than the behaviours, because these were the roots, caused from birth, and from my mind that had been overworked for my survival.

    In effect I ended up doing shadow work, without realising it.

    And after a few hours of writing, of wrestling, of tears, of less a fight, but more gentle releasing these things of the jobs they do not have any more.

    I stopped. I stood up.

    I felt light.

    I cried

    I danced in the kitchen that evening, for the first time ever. My legs felt light, as did my shoulders.

    I felt free.

    It was a lightness I had never experienced in 45 years.

    It was over. And I was free.

    On the Monday, I think, I then had a therapy session.

    In which I shared what I had done over the weekend with him.

    The notes, the reading, what I had done, how I felt.

    And. In a moment I think I will never forget.

    He looked me in my eyes, with tears streaming.

    And said.

    ‘James, you are Incredible’

    and… looking back I said

    ‘I think, for the first time, I think I believe you’ with tears in my own eyes.

    And, the session ended, it wasnt the last one, for, I wanted to keep the ongoing therapy conversation going, as I began this new found freedom of being and sense of lightness, wanted not be on my own as I started it.

    I then went to the Waterstones cafe that afternoon I think, or definitely the next day, and instead of writing my book, I began writing the same words, over and over and over again, ‘James, you are incredible, you are incredible, you are incredible.. and for about an hour told myself all the amazing positive things, over and over again, from my own heart, from my own soul, to myself, loving me after the loved shadows had been released.

    This was from that day:

    And I did it the next day. And the next.

    But told no one.

    It’s like I didnt know what to do with what this felt like. It was so new. It also felt so ridiculously simple, but also so transforming.

    A few weeks later I bought a journal for 2024, because I wanted to keep it up.

    It was as if my competent unconscious voice needed to be trained to be positive, thats what I thought, keep the positive voices, positive messages every day, to replace the 45 years of self doubt and negativity.

    And so, every day of 2024, that is what I have done.

    I have written positive words to myself, every single day.

    And maybe the odd positive quote, but no ‘reflecting’ , no ‘wrestling’ or trying to understand, I had done enough of that, and that can stay elsewhere, this would be a daily journal to write positive things about me in it… the TRUTH stuff.

    the truth that isnt the lies about self doubt, shame or lack of self belief.

    The truth about the love that I actually am, and the heart I actually have

    The truth that I am loved and deserve to be

    The truth that I am..I just am

    And so much more, whatever I hear my heart say, or the angels, or the magic… whatever… message if for me for that day, sometimes short, sometimes its a repeat, sometimes its just the truth of what I need to hear that day.

    Every single day in 2024.

    And it’s been utterly life transforming.

    A year, of feeling in the main, incredible.

    Light, whole, true

    and smiling, joyfully, and feeling whole, safe and able to feel an be open to enjoy all life has for me.

    Its been described as ‘post traumatic growth’ to me, it could be said to be ‘life in all its fullness’…I dont really care too be honest… it just feels so so good, it is like life beginning at 46…

    You dont get to see the journal aside from a few pages above, a few close friends have, they’ve been close, and seen the James transformation.

    I know, that until I had faced the shadows I wouldn’t have been ready to hear what I was told. I know that that because it arrived from someone whom I could trust their opinion of my journey, I could take it. I know it was something I could believe.

    That was the beginning of my incredible year. A year in which I faced the life time inner demons of a year ago, and began to believe the truth about me.

    A day by day rewiring of the brain, which began over 5 years ago, the task of trying to survive and understand, and after being given tools of EMDR and inner child work, and then last year, day to day rewriting my own voice, rewiring my own self talk.

    Some you have seen me glow this year.

    Some of you have seen me smile.

    Some of you have told me I look 36 (not 46)

    Some of you have commented that my writing is from a place of healing.

    Thank you, Thank you for noticing, it has been amazing for me to hear this, to sense that the lightness and joy is infectious.

    The true me, has been beginning to emerge.

    And I am so proud of me.

    If you read my last piece, then you have an idea of how incredible all this feels, feeling alive, from this point 6 years ago.

    Thank you. Thank you for reading, for encouraging me, for your support. You have heard my pain often enough, I hope you smile as you read this.

    You are love too my friend x

  • Wonder-filled You

    Its sometimes easy to;

    Fall in love with the sky at night

    when northern lights glow like fire.

    Fall in love with the flowing river,

    that gushes over rocks so smooth.

    Fall in love with the mountains,

    giants of the earth, majestic and glorious.

    Fall in love with the tiniest thing,

    Kingfisher, Bumblebee, fungus or leaf.

    Notice, Feel, Stare

    Wonder.

    But closer still,

    Remember to love

    The wonder of you

    Yes, fall in love with wonderful you

    Gaze inwards and see

    The wonder of your heart, its love beating around

    Look, feel and sense

    The wonder of the life that stems from within

    A glimpse of your childlike innocence.

    The wonder of your body that holds you beautifully

    Wonder, just at that moment, to wonder

    Stare at your own magnificence

    Gaze at your own eyes

    as they wonder within.

    Wonder at your strength, your power

    Wonder at your self, Love, cherish, treasure,

    Remember and enjoy what its like,

    To fall in love

    With wonderful, wonder-filled you.

  • Pen on a Page

    Gently does it

    You, yes you

    life doesn’t work fast

    Time

    Makes Love

    Soft, making

    Of life

    In all its tenderness

    life

    giving

    wonder

    at the magic of it all

    life,

    noticing

    the leaf, the branch,

    the gap in between

    the voice within

    noticing

    in the mad rush of every day.

    Pen

    Pink pen

    love colour

    moving slowly on the page,

    watching my hand

    move.

    Every movement

    a dance of life,

    unconscious commands

    making creations on the page.

    Feeling the pen

    loose against my fingers

    gaps of light changing shape within

    the touch of my hand against the page

    lines and veins on my wrist.

    Let it flow

    let it flow,

    let it flow,

    release the passion,

    release the mind,

    draw deep from the depths within,

    not the thoughts that cover and torment the surface.

    Let it flow

    release

    faith, love and wonder,

    pain, peace and anger,

    making their way on to the page

    angry, soft heart

    soft heart

    gentle, soft heart

    soft, gentle heart

    living alive life

    being

    open, raw

    guided by the deep

    soft, gentle body

    breathing life

    like words on a page

    soft, gentle, still, breaths

    soft, gentle, me

    soft, gentle, you

    let the tears flow

    let it flow

    soul flow

    like

    Pen on a page.

  • Talking with Respect, gentleness and care….to myself.

    Men… Can you remember when your voice broke? What did that feel like? How old were you? I remember that I didnt want to talk for a few weeks or months because I was so self conscious about how it would sound, I also hated that it was noticed by everyone, so I stayed quiet. There was a change, a weird change. How I communicated changed three times, from child voice, to breaking unpredictable changing voice, to changed voice, in a few months.

    I noticed something about my walk last week.

    It is this.

    My Voice changed again recently. But it wasn’t my external voice.

    It was my inner one.

    I used to give myself a good talking to.

    Especially if I had done something wrong. Especially if I had made a mistake.

    Especially if id got embarrassed by something

    Especially if id been made to think id made a mistake, or misunderstood, or not met another persons needs, and been punished for it.

    I would beat myself up.

    In the way I would talk to myself.

    The strongest voice inside, was the voice of the perfectionist-critic.

    My inner voice was the voice of my own media company.

    Critic, Perfectionist…

    Not only was I emotionally neglected and beaten up by others, my inner voice assumed that I was responsibility. Why… because I had no reference to know that what I experienced by others was their problem. Or that I could be treated better.

    So it had to be me. I had to be the problem. My Fault. Because Women are always right..arent they? So it had to be me.

    What kind of things would I have heard myself say to myself?

    You’re not good enough

    You dont deserve any better

    You can survive, just keep going

    Why didn’t you think of that?

    You can do better

    You should do better

    You let yourself down there, James, and God too, you should be ashamed

    You should know this by now

    You should be able to do this

    Oh.. you really messed up again

    Look at yourself James, hypocrite.

    You failed at that one again

    You upset them, you silly boy.

    You need to be strong.

    Must rush, must do, must keep on, keeping on.

    It could be worse, don’t be ungrateful.

    Talking to myself, like I was my own worst enemy. Or just trying to numb and shut out what I felt.

    Beating myself up. Because that was the only way I knew how to process. Not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not being enough.

    Why did I notice this last week?

    Because the day after I had been for a walk, I reflected on how my inner voice has changed. Maybe its like it broke again. Broke by the process of digging deep, recovering and healing.

    I noticed that I could say to myself different things

    When I walked, I said things like:

    I can take myself out for a walk

    This is for me, I can be for me.

    I am grateful

    I am ok to feel

    I am ok- as I am.

    I am love and loved

    I can be, and breathe

    I can enjoy this moment, of the rain and mud

    I can sense myself

    and be proud of myself.

    I can have feelings and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

    I dont have to be perfect, I can do mess, I can play

    I can be slow.. I dont have to rush… I dont have to do everything

    I can have fun

    I can be happy

    I am.

    I am who I am and this is enough

    and more besides….

    I just noticed how the voice changed, it wasn’t the first time in the last few years that I have spoken to myself in this way. But it was just that I noticed the difference, how I used to be a critic and perfectionist, talking to myself like I had inherited voices from others. From self loathing, self denial – to self- reverence and self compassion. Was my inner guidance system the one I had created from the places of having to adapt as a child – abusive parents, evangelical religion, academia? Probably.

    Or maybe, and i’ll be kind to myself also, this was what I needed to do and be to survive emotionally. In my own head space, the place of thinking, over thinking and self criticism.

    It’s now safe for me to talk to myself in this way. Brave to be self- compassionate. To practice it and give it a go, to see how it feels, to have the feels.

    New green life forming from the old. New tender green shoots.

    What’s it like to be a supportive youth worker, be a friend even to myself, and do this, after agreeing with it. Doing it for myself. Because I am worth it. I am of value. I am.

    It was just good to notice the difference.

    Talking whole heartedly to myself. From broken to whole.

    If you’d like to learn more about Self Compassion, I highly recommend the beautiful book Heartwork by Radhule Weininger, a link is here Heartwork, also The Power of Now by Echart Tolle.

  • Changing Mindset

    Changing Mindset

    Ive been taking ‘photos’ for over three years. A Camera has accompanied most of my walks, and especially during the lockdown walks.

    I see nice things, then think, ill take a photo of it. Or..

    Ill go birdwatching and take photos of birds, or actually any nature, foxes, squirrels, rats, mice, anything natural to be honest.

    This year, as you may know, as ive mentioned it a few times, ive started ‘learning’ photography.

    Actually learning it.

    What do all those letters mean on my camera?

    What makes a good composition?

    What about light?

    And what makes a good photograph? If there is such a thing….

    But I notice something.

    I realised today, when I was across at Redcar Blast furnace and beach, a place id not been to this year yet, but have been a number of times. A place with a combination of natural and man made beauty

    It a place where there’s sea birds, benches, beach, and fishermen, but none today.

    But as I looked at the photos I took, I realised something. The habits of old are the default. So ive got hundreds of images of birds on the rocks. Though I did also try to get some of maybe more photos where I thought about foreground, the story of the photo, or something of interest. Like the house above, or this one of the boats, banked up on the beach.

    I walk around an area and sometimes ‘old habits’ are hard to shake.

    But I also realise that im in a place where its conducive to the old habits. There’s stacks of nature and water.

    Sometimes testing out new habits needs a new place.

    When I found myself noticing that I was going back into ‘old photography habits’, I would stop and have a moment, a rethink, breathe, and know that nothing was wasted, and I would notice myself. On some occasions where I could I would take my focus somewhere else.

    I was so busy looking outwards, for the scene, for the bird, through camera or binoculars, that I would forget the more important thing.

    Myself.

    If I can find a suitable spot, a bench or path, ill set up the camera so it can take a shot of me. If nothing else it means that I am part of my own story of my day. I am important.

    Its as if the slow process of setting up camera, viewfinder, focus, timer etc and then getting into position is a mindset shift.

    And the results are varied. But it doesn’t matter to me.

    This interruption changes my focus, as even in doing this I am practicing new skills, a different focus. Im putting myself in the frame.

    Unlearning the old takes time. Unlearning the old, in the same environment of the old is incredibly hard, if not impossible.

    Changing mindset, starts from inside.

    For me, a change in mindset is to focus on my self. It may not be this for you. It could be to focus on others, or focus on the spiritual or the environmental.

    But it’s a change in mindset all the same. Change the focus of my attention, from external to internal.

    Something I noticed today.

    I suppose, thinking about it, when I shared this the other day, I was given the opportunity to then live and practice it a bit.

  • The power of belonging.

    ‘May you listen to your longing to be free

    May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams

    May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.

    May you find harmony between your soul and your life

    May the Sanctuary of your soul never become haunted

    May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time

    May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within

    May you never place walls between the light and yourself

    May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you and embrace you in belonging. ‘

    John O Donohue, For Belonging , ‘To Bless the space between us’ 2008

    Belonging.

    To Belong.

    To feel at home.

    To feel safe.

    To belong in my own skin, my body and feel comfortable in my mind

    To belong in my spirit.

    Isn’t that what we all, deep down want?

    To be in a place of peace, of rest, of calm.

    A place to belong. To be seen.

    I love the line in the blessing above, ‘May there be kindness in your gaze, as you look within’

    Kindness in my self directed gaze. Kindness.

    Not rushing to the immediate reaction of angst, pain, self loathing, denial. But taking a slower, heart directed route, kindness.

    Making the choice of self compassion. One, slow, step, at a time.

    As I look within. As I feel within.

    Belonging to myself.

    A self warm heart and hug.

    Belonging.

    Self-belonging.

    Kindness and not a self critical eye.

    Kindness and not a dismissive eye.

    But looking, and then reminding myself of the choice to be kind to myself. How I can show belonging to myself.

  • Cooking and Self-love (includes recipes)

    I really enjoy cooking.

    Through Im not exactly sure where this enjoyment came from. Yes I learned to cook in my twenties, though I do recollect cooking at school and also making myself food at times from the age of 15-16. I do vaguely remember not being able to cook a roast dinner, but realising that I could cook other things at the time. In my Oasis gap year I remember some horrific cooking moments, but I dont remember what I cooked, but I must have done so.

    So, any way, bottom line, is it kind of just happened.

    Oh and I do remember the ‘cult’ TV programme at the time was ‘Ready Steady Cook’ , 30 minutes of supposedly spontaneous responsive cooking with chefs only being able to use the contents of a carrier bag… oh and an entire cupboard of butter, vinegars, oils, spices and herbs… so maybe this was one place where the interest was sparked…

    For as you may have read previously, it wasn’t as if I was blessed by growing up with someone who loved cooking, valued or delighted in it, in fact the opposite…

    Anyway, up to the present.

    I became a vegetarian over 3 years ago, a month after I moved into my own flat, primarily for health, cost, environment and also ease of cooking reasons. It had been something I had been close to being for a long while.

    One of the key learning points in the life journey that I have been going on, and it affects the way I treat my body, including what I eat, has been to value myself, and so generally I have tried to cook myself decent, healthy food, even if I am only cooking for myself on a day to day basis.

    That’s weird. Im not ‘only’ cooking for myself. I am not an only. I am important.

    Cooking nice food feels quite a therapeutic action, and equally cooking nice, healthy food that I can readily eat on a work day has been so important.

    What I also do is ensure that I sit up to the table to eat, as if to say the this is a good valuable practice for myself to value the routine of eating. I heard this tip years ago and have stuck to it, mostly.

    I also sort of accidentally discovered batch cooking. Although I have had a fairly good kitchen, I have only 2-3 pans, including my favourite, a large red cast iron pot that I bought for £25 (reduced from £110). Ive never had a microwave.

    Part of my cooking joy is to try new recipes, and be inspired by others. Like these sweet potato wraps which Christelle and I found the recipe for.

    Yet, a reality of day to day is that sometimes it is just easier for me to cook my staple vegetarian favourites. I usually ‘cook’ fresh on a Saturday and/or Sunday – and then I have 2,3 or 4 pots left over of each dish for the fridge or freezer, and this gives me meal size portions which I try and remember to get out the freezer on the morning, to reheat and add pasta, rice or potato to. It doesn’t always work like this, for example yesterday I cooked fresh. And maybe on my last working day of the week, used to be Thursday, is now Friday, I might cook something.

    I thought I would share with you a few of my ‘go-to’ dishes, that I would regard as vegetarian batch cooking. I pack my food usually with lots of spices. I have a cupboard full of them, but also sometimes I end of throwing away stale ginger or growing garlic, any ideas own what I can do to preserve these? – comments below – (chillis I freeze) .

    1. Frittata. This required me to purchase a non stick oven proof frying pan. For £10 in Asda. This dish , though hard to reheat the left overs, is great for using up things like onions, potatoes, green veg like broccoli, a chilli, and if ive optimistically thought at the beginning of the week that I would eat eggs, and haven’t, then all 6 eggs go in, and it tastes divine. The original recipe I saw for this a few years ago was with chorizo sausage, which I now obviously dont add, but, if I remember and have them I add vegetarian sausages instead. And dont underestimate how yummy this is cold the next day when out walking. Fry everything, add the eggs, cheese and any fresh herbs (rosemary or parsley are best) then bake. Careful of the frying pan handle, its hot. (I probably over scorched the broccoli on this one…)

    2. Sweet Potato Curry. Ill keep it simple, its this recipe. I stick to it, its phenomenal and I make this easily on a monthly basis.

    Delicious magazine Chickpea and Sweet potato curry recipe

    3. Some kind of vegetarian sausage bake. This doesn’t have a name, but its a combination of frying onion, garlic, celery and carrots, then peppers, adding this to chopped fried vegetarian sausages, adding spices such as paprika, smoked paprika, chilli, herbs, and lentils too, then tomatoes, chick peas and whatever beans I fancy, usually butter beans and kidney beans. This recipe ensures that one sausage pack can go 4-5 meals, and it has lots of vegetables, beans and lentils in it. It doesn’t look pretty, but then again, not everything has too. Reheat, with pasta or potato, and add cheese too…

    4. Vegetarian Chilli. Same as beef chilli but with Quorn Mince.

    5. Lentil and vegetable bake. The recipe for the end of the month, when all I have actually left in the fridge is carrots, celery and onion – so they get combined, with lentils, stock, spices and puree, and then there’s 3-4 meals, to add with pasta.

    6. Vegetarian Ramen.

    Ok so not strictly a batch dish, as realistically it can only be reheated fresh, But this is good for the increase vegetable and egg content, for vitamins and protein. I make this a variety of ways, so its difficult to describe. Usually fry onion, ginger, chilli, maybe fresh coriander, add Chinese five spice and soy, add stock, simmer, add veg like peppers, broccoli, carrots. Pre boil eggs and if feeling adventurous fry some pak choi. Then either add to the liquid on pack of noodles, or boil these separate. Serve by putting some soy in a bowl, add liquid/veg, then noodles and eggs, pak choi and then top with coriander, green onions, sliced chilli or dried chilli…

    It’s not a quick dish, and yes its on the more expensive, though it doesn’t use any vegetarian ‘meat’ which saves a bit of money. Neither doesn’t it reheat that well compared to the others, the best way ive found is to just keep the ‘juice’ and freshly boil the veg and noodles each day.

    As well as cooking food, watching food shows has been something ive done a lot of for a number of years, maybe that’s for another piece. This one is a bit of a crossover of reflecting on how my cooking reflected my internal view of myself, how I had to internalise feelings of positivity for myself, my body and health and then my eating habits changed considerably. Other ‘diets’ I tried did work temporarily, but many of these were from a place of self denial. I was also inspired by this short piece on the BBC yesterday on batch cooking, so I thought id share what I do, and also ask for any inspiration from you for vegetarian batch dishes I could try, please do comment below.

    I love cooking, please do inspire me with your food and photos!

  • Christmas and the Feels.

    Just stopping by on the beginning of Christmas week 2022, in the midst of me getting ready to cook some food for my son and his girlfriend, and then as I travel on trains tomorrow and planes on Wednesday to be with my beautiful wife Christelle for Christmas.

    A moment of calm. Nat King Cole is playing. The Christmas lights and candles are glowing. Apple and Cinnamon scent is wafting around, presents have been wrapped and its a moment to breathe.

    A moment to notice.

    A moment to appreciate feeling safe. A moment to appreciate feeling love. A moment to be thankful, to be grateful. A moment to feel, and notice that moments like this, gaps, are not to be frightened of anymore. Its these cracks where love washes in.

    Its 4.30pm and its not been all like this all day. Ive carried a pre Christmas and travel to do list around in my head all day, whilst also being at work for the last day. But now, having scurried around a bit for the day, Im having just a moment of me time.

    Breathing slowly. Noticing the light of the candle. Feeling.

    Realising too, the effort its taken, the effort Ive taken to get to where I am, this year. A lot has been happening. There’s been some dark moments of reliving trauma, abuse and suffering. There’s been times of facing my own complex vulnerabilities, of embracing what’s its meant by being self compassionate, of enjoying receiving, of making choices about responding to what I’m actually feeling day by day.

    So I sit here, feeling a sense of love for myself, acceptance of myself, and feeling relaxed as I take one then another breath. Grateful for the vulnerable giants whose own shared lives have inspired, encouraged and caused me to dig deep into my own heart, power and strength, Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Paulo Coelho, Edith Eger, Matt Haig, your life story, your fictions and your insight is truly transformative. The therapists in person, and the therapy groups on Facebook – there’s many a time you have struck a chord and enabled me to come face to face with a new reality, so thank you, North Brisbane Psychotherapists, Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, Mike Philips and Patrick Weaver Ministries. Thank you.

    But Christmas.

    Somehow as I sit here and in conversation with Christelle, we shared about how this time can be a weird one for those of us rebuilding our lives after childhood trauma. Weird in that kind of way of noticing, facing, and accepting the moments that aren’t so apparent in April , June or September. Pain in a Christmas movie can be about grief for the much loved parent who isn’t around – rarely one who was abusive. (yes I know, no one wants that Christmas movie)

    Christmas time gives opportunities for continued self love, tenderness and self- compassion.

    Know that its ok to feel whatever Christmas feels for you. Feel that mystery of love deep within your wounded heart and soul. Neither I, neither you are the pain or shame.

    May I share with you this blessing, as a gift, from John O Donohue, as I also say thank you, and do have a truly restful, calm, loving, heartfelt, self compassionate Christmas.

    A Prayer for the Awakened:

    For Everything under the Sun, there is a time, This is the season of your harvest awakening, where pain takes you where you would rather not go.

    Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place you had forgotten you knew from the Inside out, And a time when that bitter tree was planted.

    That has grown always invisibly beside you, and whose branches your awakened hands, now long to disentangle from your heart.

    You are coming to see how your looking often darkened, When you should have felt safe enough to fall towards love; How deep down your eyes were always owned by something.

    That faced them through a dark fester of thorns, Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong, You could only see what touched you as already torn.

    Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning, and your memory is ready to show you everything, having waited all these years for you to return and know.

    Only you know where the casket of pain is interred, You will have to scare through all the layers of covering, And according to your readiness, everything will open.

    May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide, Who can accompany you through the fear and grief, until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

    As your tears fall over that wounded place,

    May they wash away the hurt and free your heart

    May your forgiveness still – the hunger of the wound

    So that for the first time you can walk away from that place, Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed

    And feel the clear, free air bless your new face

    For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of their past – John O Donohue

    Be Still friends, and Know that you are love – Happy Christmas to you

    James

  • Morning moment

    (A Morning Blessing by John O’Donohue)

    I arise today

    In the name of Silence

    Womb of the word,

    In the name of stillness

    Home of Belonging,

    In the name of the Solitude

    Of the Soul and the Earth

    I arise today

    Blessed by all things,

    Wings of breath,

    Delight of eyes,

    Wonder of whisper,

    Intimacy of touch

    Eternity of soul

    Urgency of thought,

    Miracle of breath

    Embrace of God

    May I live this day

    Compassionate of heart,

    Clear in word,

    Gracious in awareness,

    Courageous in thought,

    Generous in love.

    (Words from John O’Donohue ‘To Bless the Space between us’ , pictures my own)

  • Self Compassion Treasure moments

    I have been amazed by the universe treasure moments that seem to arrive to me, chance encounters, free gifts in shops, writing in books that match what I’d been talking about the day before (no algorithms there)

    This was one yesterday.

    I’d bought this John o Donohue book in a charity shop about six weeks ago, one of about 10 books I bought that day, this one went on the bottom shelf hidden away.

    Reading prayers and blessings not always my thing.

    Yesterday I had a tidy of my books, getting rid of 10 to the local charity shop, and re-found the John o Donohue…

    I opened the book, randomly

    To this page

    What did I write about the day before yesterday?

    Exactly

    May I be a friend to myself.

    This path of self compassion seems littered with treasure.

    I am a mystery, waiting to be loved….as are you

    May you and I journey to that place in your soul where there is love and warmth and feeling.