James Ballantyne

Tag: self compassionate

  • My Most Toxic Relationship (was the one I was responsible for)

    Over the last 15 months I have been keeping an ‘affirmation’ journal, in which each day, and each day with only 1 day missed in this time I have written positive affirmations to myself, maybe they’re from the universe, from God, from angels, from my heart to myself… it doesn’t matter, they have all been positive.

    I started it after I had this interaction with my therapist back in November 2023……

    I have realised that it is possible to say loving things to myself.

    I have realised that it is possible to believe the same loving words about myself.

    It was as if I was able to tentatively walk on an ‘island’ of self affirmation, of a different inner voice being stronger and more practiced than the other one.

    The one in which I had been swimming in thick treacly water for my life before hand, with an island of serenity being a dream away, beyond anything possible.

    That was its own lie. Beyond wasnt possible.

    And for the months in the last year or so, because I have been able to live in an existence with a positive inner voice, it has made the other one more obvious.

    The water may have been felt, at times, definitely. But swimming in it? not as much.

    Yet my critical mind wanted to cling on for so long.

    It wanted to keep its role.

    It had convinced itself it was the only protector in town.

    It needed to be.

    Because it had been. The inner critic. Had been ruling the roost for 45 years, almost without any challenge at all.

    It may have been exacerbated and created by some of the significant people around me, but when I listen to what it said to me, I realise that the most toxic relationship was with myself.

    The inner voice that I gave too much power to.

    The one that drove a type of perfection, that tore myself in half for every semblance of mistake – self hatred.

    The one which tried to protect me from a kind of vulnerability that would open me up.

    The one that ‘stayed strong’ in the midst

    The one that gave up

    The one that despaired

    The one that thought it was always in trouble

    The one that felt it was always responsible

    The one that felt small and helpless

    The one that was disappointed and cynical

    The one that said I wasnt good enough…or deserve to be loved

    The one that feared, and was scared.

    The one that carried shame – for my own, or others pain.

    The one that self loathed, after comfort eating, and the rest

    The one that fell short, and felt burdened by ‘sin’

    The one that kept trying and failing

    The one that was living for a tomorrow, or trying to soothe when ‘conditionally ok’ – trying to find the ‘next thing’ to make everything feel ok. And not face the actual thing.

    The one that ‘felt’ disappointed if something I tried didnt work, when I say disappointed, I mean rock bottom yukkiness.

    The toxic relationship of that inner voice telling myself all these things, constantly, it barely stopped.

    And what made it wore, that without any alternative, this voice was deemed God in my inner psyche.

    Yeah. That toxic.

    I thought that voice was God. It was God. yuk.

    I look now, and so, when I hit the emotional break downs of 2018, or mid 2023 I wonder, that actually what also need to break, was the toxicity in myself, that had festered, honed and been plaguing me since birth. Because a childhood of survival isnt a childhood of life, love, nurturing or protection. I bricked up for safety.

    And day by day, moment by moment in the last few years, and even more so in the last 14 months, self love has created self- safety to feel emotions and to rest in my own body, and let my mind off the hook.

    It was love after all.

    The tiniest crack of the strength of love, that began my turn to myself.

    And now a day practice, which my heart speaks – rebalances my critical mind’s power.

    Stops me using language and meanings against me, but for me, and unconditionally.

    Lent. A journey into the shadows. A time to heal. A choice, to face it.

    A time to see.

    Time to notice.

    That for me, in a place of deep self love

    I can live knowing I am love, loved and that even those days and times when my mind wants its say, it isnt the only voice in town. It is met with love.

    Healing myself from within, has been excruciating at times. Facing the shadows and not being afraid to ‘go there’, listening to the voice, but not giving it to its lies.

    Love wins, and Love is in you in abundance.

    One tear at a time. One breakdown to break in to the warm on the inside, and let it flow.

    My most toxic relationship, was the one with myself.

    And that was the only one I had the responsibility and power to heal.

  • Loving the past….goodbye….

    Learn to love and appreciate your past. Fully embrace it, thank it for teaching you, and let go of any judgement that there was something wrong with it. Your past is uniquely yours. It happened. It’s sacred. It’s beautiful. Nobody else had it, and nobody else ever will. Embrace your past, hug it, kiss it, love it to death

    (Michael A Singer, Living Untethered) 

    That’s very different from ‘you just need to move on’

    What happened yesterday happened. It isn’t today.

    What happened 35 years ago happened. It isnt today.

    But current experience may also be the constant reliving of the past.

    Loving the past feels dreamy and impossible.

    And for 40+ years I loved suppressing the shadows of a past I didn’t want to open. A past that I was afraid of, a past, the wounds of childhood abuse that I had masked for so long.

    Had to hide it was to make it on my own

    Had to pretend it didn’t happen to have a ‘successful life’

    Had to, it was the only way.

    Didn’t want to go there.

    And that didn’t seem even a choice at the time, just the only way I knew, suppress and pretend, just don’t open the box.

    Let the past have power over me.

    Yet some things find themselves harder to get rid of.

    Memories intertwined with regret

    Memories intertwined with loss

    Memories intertwined with shame.

    Self defeating prisons of the mind.

    That don’t exist in the now.

    But haunt.

    Self love isn’t just baths.

    Its tender, kind, self forgiveness

    Love of the highest order

    The past.

    It happened to cause us to learn.

    And to give us the opportunity in the now to hold it, hug it and kiss it to death, so that it’s part of our loved selves.

  • My 5 top self learning books of 2022

    Ah yes, you say not another end of the year review blogs, segments or pieces. I’ve wondered for a while what I might write that’s appropriate for the ‘end of 2022’ as a review piece.

    I think I’ve read over 30 books this year, nearly all with some kind of self-help / journey / learning theme , and beyond what there’s been everything else that I’ve read I’ve felt and learned in the year, so maybe this is a bit of a reflective combination piece, some of the best books and most important learning from the year, for me.

    So, starting with the best books, I’m.not sure how I’ve narrowed these down to 5, but these are the ones that gave me the most wow moments, the most underlined with pencil marks or post it’s, or that stayed on my coffee table to read and read throught the year

    1. The Choice, Edith Eger

    2. A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle

    3. Dibs in search of self by Virginia Axline

    4. Heartwork a book of Self compassion by Radule Weininger

    5. The space between us, A book of blessings by John O Donohue

    I look at the choice of these 5 books, and realise that they encapsulated many of the paths my self learning has taken this year, there have been moments where I felt I needed to come close to understanding my childhood trauma and it’s effects, and understand trauma generally. Dibs is a brilliant book. It helped me see myself and also the children and young people around. The

    I knew The Choice would be one of my top books of the year, even as it was one of the first I read in 2022, so much wisdom and story included in it, so much to learn on recovery from Trauma and the rebuild. The Choice is so good that I struggled to find anything new in Man’s Search for meaning (Victor Frankl) which I also read this year., Meaningful though it was.

    It’s definitely been the case that over the last 18 months or so I have read more in relation to spirituality and personal growth. The Power of Now was a game changer for me when I read it about 18 months ago, A New Earth has stayed on my coffee table and been picked up regularly for most of the year.

    Part of that Spiritual growth has taken me to Self compassion. It’s been the learning theme I have ended the year beginning. It’s a path that has revealed much to me so far, as I’ve stepped to one side of being self critical, self loathing, guilt and responsibility, it’s introduced me and reminded me that I can receive, I am worthy, I am of value, as are my emotions and feelings. And though I know all this, I’m realising there’s a difference between knowing it and living as if I believe it to be true. Heart work, the book, was like being sat with a duvet by the fire, it felt a safe book to read and then gently sense the parts of me that were being revealed through the stories, as well as sit with the exercises that she suggests. And this is before I give myself time to do the journal that she suggests to do.

    John O Donohue appeared like a mystery from a charity book shop in November, and given me an opportunity to practice self compassion through creating the space to read and meditate on the blessings.

    There are some other honourable mentions, Matt Haig’s midnight library and How to stop time were both very good, and I loved Ruth Ozekis ‘The book of form and emptiness’ . I’m re reading The Universal Christ (Richard Rohr) for the second time to Christelle as I think there’s alot in it to enjoy. (Reading aloud does enable a new perspective) The Seat of the Soul, and Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav were both good too. Links to all these and others are in the resources page above.

    So there we have it, my top 5 self learning books of the year, these were the ones that caused my heart to feel opened, to be a spiritual experience in just reading them and provoke and accompany me on this life journey.

    May you, may I have a blessed, learning and compassionate 2023.

  • Time to Be

    Hey you

    Why not take some time for yourself today?

    If you can

    Where you can

    Prioritise that voice in you that fights for space to ‘just be’

    So let it be

    Gently find that moment, to be you

    Sing in the car, breathe, look at the sky

    Look up at the vast, look down at the miniscule

    Look with wonder, look slow

    Connect yourself

    What can I do to prioritise myself today?

    Even a minute, 10 minutes or 30 moments of me time

    How do I spend my time in a way that’s self compassionate?

    Or…

    If I’m being self compassionate, how will that reflect in what I do, how I do it and when?

    Because sometimes I pretend at self care, sometimes I’m going through the motions, physically doing the thing…but

    I’m going for a walk, but my head isn’t present…but at least I’m walking..yes? Yes

    It’s a fight to do the self care, self compassionate thing, the temptations to be mind distracted are huge, and subtlety small. But it’s a good fight.

    A daily choice.

    For the real you, and the real me

    Can you do it, just for you?

    May you be you today, may you sense that sense of self today

    Dare to cultivate it, dare to cultivate you, one tiny moment at a time.

    May you, feel, find and love yourself today

    Moment by moment, choice by choice

    Moment by powerful moment , choice by powerful choice

    Even now

    Stop, breathe, relax, feel

    Stop again, breathe again, relax again, feel again

  • Above the clouds, there isn’t the rain

    Storms are a matter of perspective

    So is the rain

    In terrential rain my plane took off from Newcastle airport on Saturday morning, the rain streaming down the windows as it taxied along the tarmac

    As it took off, yes there was a tiny bit of extra turbulance through the low lying cloud

    The cloud become whiter and whiter as the plane ascended

    The windows in got brighter, the light shine
    Above the clouds, blue, bright sky.

    White clouds

    Rain is about perspective

    Pain is about perspective

    Shame is about perspective

    Seeing rain from above, changes things

    Rain can’t be avoided but can be pushed through, to see what’s above, to see rain from a distance

    Like rain and clouds, I am not pain, or shame, or emotions,

    I..just..am

    I am the watcher , I am the life that can make new things happen, I am life that can be compassionate towards myself
    I am the watcher than can see.

    In the continued path of self compassion the flight gave me to opportunity to sense and feel the wonder of the universe, clouds from a different perspective. May

    May I feel the joy and wonder of the universe, may I choose to love myself in the midst, in the clouds and above the rain and storms. May I experience the deep joy and gratitude of being myself.

  • Self Compassion Treasure moments

    I have been amazed by the universe treasure moments that seem to arrive to me, chance encounters, free gifts in shops, writing in books that match what I’d been talking about the day before (no algorithms there)

    This was one yesterday.

    I’d bought this John o Donohue book in a charity shop about six weeks ago, one of about 10 books I bought that day, this one went on the bottom shelf hidden away.

    Reading prayers and blessings not always my thing.

    Yesterday I had a tidy of my books, getting rid of 10 to the local charity shop, and re-found the John o Donohue…

    I opened the book, randomly

    To this page

    What did I write about the day before yesterday?

    Exactly

    May I be a friend to myself.

    This path of self compassion seems littered with treasure.

    I am a mystery, waiting to be loved….as are you

    May you and I journey to that place in your soul where there is love and warmth and feeling.

  • Resisting the urge to understand rather than be self- compassionate.

    If you’ve read my last two piece of writing in the last few days you will know that I have shared a little about self compassion, and in particular showing self compassion for my self critical nature.

    It would be very tempting for to try and understand the roots of my self critical nature – and that’s exactly what my ‘little professor’ adult thinking self wants to do. Understand.

    I could spend a few hours or days on working all this out. To be honest, if you’ve read my story (in the menu above) it wouldn’t be difficult to assess. Safe to say childhood wasn’t a place of praise, support or encouragement (that would lead to big headedness), it wasn’t a place to relax and feel gratitude, but a place of revolving around the needs of the dominant emotionally immature parent (s).

    I learned to rely on myself intellectually, and go ‘into’ my head.

    Im writing more now on this than I actually was going to. So ill stop.

    Because in a real way, understanding the root, has been done already.

    I dont need to go back, not this time. Not again.

    Im not here to blame.

    Ive resisted the urge today, this week to blame, and go back.

    Instead.

    Ive stayed in the present. Today.

    Because self compassion, isn’t about understanding and trying to work it out

    Self compassion is being a friend to myself now.

    Tending, loving and being gentle with myself now.

    Resisting the head knowledge of the root of my critical nature

    Instead sitting in the power of the present.

    So ive written a whole lot more today, that you won’t see, but that’s for me, tender to myself, friend to myself, loving myself.

    Feeling the space around my heart, body and soul for love to be encountered

    Warmth of self love, listening to the slow breath

    Giving myself respect and reverence. Time and space.

    Telling myself that I am enough, that I can relax as myself

    I dont need to perform, not even now

    Just be, who I am, and not strive for something else.

    Not have to prove something. Not have to meet expectations

    Embrace the feeling of warmth, resting in the infilling

    I dont need to know where it comes from – it was what I needed to do to survive, and that in itself is to be thankful and warm towards.

    But now, I can rest, in myself, as I am.

    In her chapter on Self Compassion for the Self critical (which ive read, felt and embraced its power four times this week) Radhule Weininger writes:

    ‘Often as you open your heart, feelings of kindness, compassion, forgiveness and generosity well up naturally and flow outward in widening circles…

    Your habit of self depreciation and self reproach can be healed by daring to look inwards and holding your inner experience with understanding, gentleness and care’

    Heartwork (2017)

    I need not be self investigative, but self therapeutic, giving unconditional positive regard for myself.

    Being a friend to myself. What does that feel like?

    Being a friend to the present.. here and now

    Unlearning the critical learned part, lifting it with warmth

    Being at peace with myself

    Show up to myself.

    Practicing all of these things, day by day, experience by experience, situation by situation. A self compassion path isn’t one towards perfection, but wholeness.