‘You shouldn’t doubt yourself, you’re really good at’
Aww shucks, thank you
But when those voices return
Those ones
You know the ones I mean
Every action, every creative, public action is a huge sap of energy
Self doubt shouts with a megaphone from the recess of the mind
Ive been fighting my own voices for a few months now
Maybe for a few longer
I used to pretend that they weren’t there, but they just lay dormant
‘You’re no good at this’
‘You never make it work’
‘You’re not as good as _________ at it’
‘are you sure this is you?’
‘Faker’
‘Dont have ideas beyond your station’
The voices
Self doubt merges into paralytic self criticism
But then again, its no surprise is it?
The Trophy child, on display
All the work, no pay
A childhood ground on expectation, rules and shame
With only a few teachers to point me in the right direction
Relying on my own head to survive, the voices I can tell myself
Those voices I can do this – despite
I can be something – without
I can make it – on my own
Survival voices, from an unsafe land. Maybe that was it, so much energy taken up in trying to survive, self protection, understanding, trying to please, that there wasn’t space to actually be good at something, to be creative.
Compliments and encouragement I find hard to trust, easier to dismiss than believe them, I know you mean well.
It may be easy for you to tell me that I shouldn’t doubt myself – it really isn’t easy for me, I know you mean well
The effort to doubt my own self doubt, keeping the darkness at bay
realising that actually, the darkness might be a friend too, it wants to tell me something.
The battle in my mind, doesn’t need more weapons.
It’s not a fight. Its a reminder
A reminder to remember, who I truly am.
That I am not the voice. That those voices need not over power me.
A reminder towards love. A reminder towards awakening.
A reminder towards heart. A reminder towards soul.
They reject quite a few, so I’m just pleased to have over 20 on there, and its honing what I take photos of. I know I’m not going to be a millionaire through photography but its fun, well, most of the time it is.
To aid me in my learning in this month ive started watching a number of photography you tube channels. Honestly the free learning here is amazing. Now I know I feel a beginner at this, there’s so many helpful guidance out there.
One of the things I was beginning to notice was though was that most of the nature and landscape photographers had what looked like massive expensive cameras, and that they showed only the best photos on their videos. Some amazing ones though.
And I was just starting to feel a bit frustrated that I would not be able to take photos like them, without the right equipment.
And I wondered what he was going to get at. He videos himself heading up to a bleak part of snowdonia and tried for 3 days to get photos of sunrises and sunsets over the mountains. His 2 days of failing included not having audio on for the video itself and weather that prevented even sight of the mountains themselves.
But what he said was interesting.
He said that as a photographer, the one comment that he got most ways from people who either complained about their lack of expensive cameras or equipment, or were condescending of his.
To which he replied by saying, ‘Dont be that photographer’
He said that the most important aspects of being a photographer , especially outdoors, landscape and nature and scenes, generally, are present already in a relatively cheap (less than £250) camera, and the rest is what is already present in the scene and in the eye of the photographer, as well as knowing their kit and craft.
He was saying, don’t be that photographer who is blaming equipment, the weather, conditions for their lack of good photography. Because all the components are there, but it takes work and effort, its a craft, a skill to learn, hone and develop.. its art.
So im thinking… yes he is talking to me, as a learning photographer.
But he’s also talking to me as a human too.
James, Dont be ‘that’ human – that blames someone else – when I could do something about it.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that the difficult and suffering are part of life
Dont be ‘that’ human that succumbs to getting frustrated when something doesnt happen easily, learning is a challenge..
Dont be ‘that’ human – that is gets impatient with comparing myself with others – learn to develop myself as I am.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that what I need to know is closer that I think, it is within
Dont be that human – that stops noticing the now, the quiet, the breath
Dont be ‘that’ human – that doesn’t see the beauty of what’s already in the universe, like light and dark, like texture, colour and change.
Dont be that human that is harsh on himself, self critical on the cloudy days when ‘nothing’ seems to happen – like today when actually, the drive included rainbows and the walk included kingfishers, but nothing on camera, just still moments of universe blessings.
James…. dont be ‘that’ human….
What about you… ?
So im learning photography. Maybe its giving me an opportunity to learn a lot more too.
Ill end this piece with a photo from when I was trying to put some learning into practice last weekend, this was me trying to play with light, perspective and settings on Seaton Carew Common beach. Sometimes its only sticks and random pieces of wood that make photos a bit more interesting.
James Ballantyne 