What is the music that saves you? That carries you?
Is it music that makes you dance in the kitchen – despite the ‘rain’ or pain?
Is it music that soothes?
Is it music that takes you to that place of joy?
I recently started a conversation on twitter titled ‘ what is the music that got or gets you through the difficult times? ‘
Many genres were shared, from ballad, blues, jazz, classical – and pop and rock, it was one of my most popular conversations starters on twitter, and showed to me, probably unsurprisingly, how much music plays a part in our lives – notably the shit times
(im not on twitter at the moment, so cant recall all of them) But if you’re reading this and want to add your own – do put it below – theres no judgement at all – if it gets you through, it works for you, thats all that matters. (and do share this piece on twitter if you’re reading this and want to, and enjoy the conversation on music too)
So – what about me?
Firstly im not going to talk about music growing up for me, it represents the same childhood pattern – of implicitly having to stick to ‘christian music’ – for fear of those parents and disapproval – and also being compliant. I remember turning up to my gap year training and having only christian worship music to count on as my recent CD purchase. Then again in 1996 I really didnt like Oasis….
Anyway, fast forward a few years – and it was probably only after spending more time with young people that my music taste may have got better, and maybe that 2000-2007 wasnt that bad for half decent guitar based music – forget the rest…
It didnt heal though and some of it was dreary, Snow Patrol im looking at you.
What was the music that featured in my healing and recovery?
Was it guitars and emo-rock?
Was it 1970’s ballads?
Was it 1990’s brit pop?
Or 2000’s R’n’B?
Or Gospel ?
Nope.
It was that music that I rejected from my own childhood.
For, in the home of my friend who gave me hospitality for 6 months was a CD player in the kitchen. And a rack of CD’s.
And mainly only 1980’s pop music.
Beach boys, Erasure (I secretly liked Erasure in my teens) and others… but what I didnt need, looking back, was the music of requited love – what I needed was to go to the dark places – to get angry.
I needed music that gave me strength to think that I wasnt to blame.
Music to think and believe that I deserve better.
Music to fist pump to, and also to give me language of what I had been through.
Music that also somehow connected with talking to my personal shame
It was music that felt rebellious
Music that told a story that there was hope.
When I think of my darkest place, and the music that carried me through, music that I played almost non stop for 6-8 months, it was The Pet Shop Boys.
Yes, I have my friend and his Pet Shop Boys CD to thank.
For that was part of my recovery – singing strong songs with a 1980’s pop beat.
I wondered about writing the lyrics down to ‘what have I done to deserve this?’ but irony doesnt really get reflected in the words alone.
So, here are the words to The Pet Shops song Its a Sin:
{Twenty seconds and counting
T-minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay}
When I look back upon my life
It’s always with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place, I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin
At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn’t quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin
Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn’t believe it
Father, you fought me, ’cause I didn’t care
And I still don’t understand
So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to, it’s a sin
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione
Verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
And whilst this song for the Pet Shop Boys has one meaning – it was a song that helped me start get angry, and sing through the sin and shame culture id grown up with and in, and finding it easy to go into self loathing.
So, for me it was the music of The Pet Shop Boys that was another part of my rebuild.
Strange thing, that right now as I write this, and I listen to their POPART album, its easily over a year since I last listened to it, and maybe thats sometimes what music can be too. It arrives when we need it, and we move on from it. Im only listening now as it feels right to listen as I write this.
What about you? Whats the song, the music that journeys with you through the storms?
Do share below in the comments – id love to hear!
And if you want a listen, here’s the Pet Shop Boys, back in the late 1980’s, not sure if ill appear below…
James Ballantyne 