James Ballantyne

Tag: self-love

  • Cooking and Self-love (includes recipes)

    I really enjoy cooking.

    Through Im not exactly sure where this enjoyment came from. Yes I learned to cook in my twenties, though I do recollect cooking at school and also making myself food at times from the age of 15-16. I do vaguely remember not being able to cook a roast dinner, but realising that I could cook other things at the time. In my Oasis gap year I remember some horrific cooking moments, but I dont remember what I cooked, but I must have done so.

    So, any way, bottom line, is it kind of just happened.

    Oh and I do remember the ‘cult’ TV programme at the time was ‘Ready Steady Cook’ , 30 minutes of supposedly spontaneous responsive cooking with chefs only being able to use the contents of a carrier bag… oh and an entire cupboard of butter, vinegars, oils, spices and herbs… so maybe this was one place where the interest was sparked…

    For as you may have read previously, it wasn’t as if I was blessed by growing up with someone who loved cooking, valued or delighted in it, in fact the opposite…

    Anyway, up to the present.

    I became a vegetarian over 3 years ago, a month after I moved into my own flat, primarily for health, cost, environment and also ease of cooking reasons. It had been something I had been close to being for a long while.

    One of the key learning points in the life journey that I have been going on, and it affects the way I treat my body, including what I eat, has been to value myself, and so generally I have tried to cook myself decent, healthy food, even if I am only cooking for myself on a day to day basis.

    That’s weird. Im not ‘only’ cooking for myself. I am not an only. I am important.

    Cooking nice food feels quite a therapeutic action, and equally cooking nice, healthy food that I can readily eat on a work day has been so important.

    What I also do is ensure that I sit up to the table to eat, as if to say the this is a good valuable practice for myself to value the routine of eating. I heard this tip years ago and have stuck to it, mostly.

    I also sort of accidentally discovered batch cooking. Although I have had a fairly good kitchen, I have only 2-3 pans, including my favourite, a large red cast iron pot that I bought for £25 (reduced from £110). Ive never had a microwave.

    Part of my cooking joy is to try new recipes, and be inspired by others. Like these sweet potato wraps which Christelle and I found the recipe for.

    Yet, a reality of day to day is that sometimes it is just easier for me to cook my staple vegetarian favourites. I usually ‘cook’ fresh on a Saturday and/or Sunday – and then I have 2,3 or 4 pots left over of each dish for the fridge or freezer, and this gives me meal size portions which I try and remember to get out the freezer on the morning, to reheat and add pasta, rice or potato to. It doesn’t always work like this, for example yesterday I cooked fresh. And maybe on my last working day of the week, used to be Thursday, is now Friday, I might cook something.

    I thought I would share with you a few of my ‘go-to’ dishes, that I would regard as vegetarian batch cooking. I pack my food usually with lots of spices. I have a cupboard full of them, but also sometimes I end of throwing away stale ginger or growing garlic, any ideas own what I can do to preserve these? – comments below – (chillis I freeze) .

    1. Frittata. This required me to purchase a non stick oven proof frying pan. For £10 in Asda. This dish , though hard to reheat the left overs, is great for using up things like onions, potatoes, green veg like broccoli, a chilli, and if ive optimistically thought at the beginning of the week that I would eat eggs, and haven’t, then all 6 eggs go in, and it tastes divine. The original recipe I saw for this a few years ago was with chorizo sausage, which I now obviously dont add, but, if I remember and have them I add vegetarian sausages instead. And dont underestimate how yummy this is cold the next day when out walking. Fry everything, add the eggs, cheese and any fresh herbs (rosemary or parsley are best) then bake. Careful of the frying pan handle, its hot. (I probably over scorched the broccoli on this one…)

    2. Sweet Potato Curry. Ill keep it simple, its this recipe. I stick to it, its phenomenal and I make this easily on a monthly basis.

    Delicious magazine Chickpea and Sweet potato curry recipe

    3. Some kind of vegetarian sausage bake. This doesn’t have a name, but its a combination of frying onion, garlic, celery and carrots, then peppers, adding this to chopped fried vegetarian sausages, adding spices such as paprika, smoked paprika, chilli, herbs, and lentils too, then tomatoes, chick peas and whatever beans I fancy, usually butter beans and kidney beans. This recipe ensures that one sausage pack can go 4-5 meals, and it has lots of vegetables, beans and lentils in it. It doesn’t look pretty, but then again, not everything has too. Reheat, with pasta or potato, and add cheese too…

    4. Vegetarian Chilli. Same as beef chilli but with Quorn Mince.

    5. Lentil and vegetable bake. The recipe for the end of the month, when all I have actually left in the fridge is carrots, celery and onion – so they get combined, with lentils, stock, spices and puree, and then there’s 3-4 meals, to add with pasta.

    6. Vegetarian Ramen.

    Ok so not strictly a batch dish, as realistically it can only be reheated fresh, But this is good for the increase vegetable and egg content, for vitamins and protein. I make this a variety of ways, so its difficult to describe. Usually fry onion, ginger, chilli, maybe fresh coriander, add Chinese five spice and soy, add stock, simmer, add veg like peppers, broccoli, carrots. Pre boil eggs and if feeling adventurous fry some pak choi. Then either add to the liquid on pack of noodles, or boil these separate. Serve by putting some soy in a bowl, add liquid/veg, then noodles and eggs, pak choi and then top with coriander, green onions, sliced chilli or dried chilli…

    It’s not a quick dish, and yes its on the more expensive, though it doesn’t use any vegetarian ‘meat’ which saves a bit of money. Neither doesn’t it reheat that well compared to the others, the best way ive found is to just keep the ‘juice’ and freshly boil the veg and noodles each day.

    As well as cooking food, watching food shows has been something ive done a lot of for a number of years, maybe that’s for another piece. This one is a bit of a crossover of reflecting on how my cooking reflected my internal view of myself, how I had to internalise feelings of positivity for myself, my body and health and then my eating habits changed considerably. Other ‘diets’ I tried did work temporarily, but many of these were from a place of self denial. I was also inspired by this short piece on the BBC yesterday on batch cooking, so I thought id share what I do, and also ask for any inspiration from you for vegetarian batch dishes I could try, please do comment below.

    I love cooking, please do inspire me with your food and photos!

  • Discovery of the Unknown

    Sitting in the Airport Gate

    Waiting

    Expectant

    Documentation Checked

    A gap between countries

    A gap in time

    A gap

    Announcements pending

    Time to move

    But in the moment, waiting, hoping, nerves and excitement. Watching the people.

    And I wonder.

    The gap in between.

    In myself.

    Noticing

    Attending.

    To the parts of me

    Only to be discovered in the gaps

    In the silences

    By the gentle listening

    By being heard, being warmly listened to

    By being safe

    The unknown self, being awakened slowly

  • Christmas and the Feels.

    Just stopping by on the beginning of Christmas week 2022, in the midst of me getting ready to cook some food for my son and his girlfriend, and then as I travel on trains tomorrow and planes on Wednesday to be with my beautiful wife Christelle for Christmas.

    A moment of calm. Nat King Cole is playing. The Christmas lights and candles are glowing. Apple and Cinnamon scent is wafting around, presents have been wrapped and its a moment to breathe.

    A moment to notice.

    A moment to appreciate feeling safe. A moment to appreciate feeling love. A moment to be thankful, to be grateful. A moment to feel, and notice that moments like this, gaps, are not to be frightened of anymore. Its these cracks where love washes in.

    Its 4.30pm and its not been all like this all day. Ive carried a pre Christmas and travel to do list around in my head all day, whilst also being at work for the last day. But now, having scurried around a bit for the day, Im having just a moment of me time.

    Breathing slowly. Noticing the light of the candle. Feeling.

    Realising too, the effort its taken, the effort Ive taken to get to where I am, this year. A lot has been happening. There’s been some dark moments of reliving trauma, abuse and suffering. There’s been times of facing my own complex vulnerabilities, of embracing what’s its meant by being self compassionate, of enjoying receiving, of making choices about responding to what I’m actually feeling day by day.

    So I sit here, feeling a sense of love for myself, acceptance of myself, and feeling relaxed as I take one then another breath. Grateful for the vulnerable giants whose own shared lives have inspired, encouraged and caused me to dig deep into my own heart, power and strength, Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Paulo Coelho, Edith Eger, Matt Haig, your life story, your fictions and your insight is truly transformative. The therapists in person, and the therapy groups on Facebook – there’s many a time you have struck a chord and enabled me to come face to face with a new reality, so thank you, North Brisbane Psychotherapists, Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, Mike Philips and Patrick Weaver Ministries. Thank you.

    But Christmas.

    Somehow as I sit here and in conversation with Christelle, we shared about how this time can be a weird one for those of us rebuilding our lives after childhood trauma. Weird in that kind of way of noticing, facing, and accepting the moments that aren’t so apparent in April , June or September. Pain in a Christmas movie can be about grief for the much loved parent who isn’t around – rarely one who was abusive. (yes I know, no one wants that Christmas movie)

    Christmas time gives opportunities for continued self love, tenderness and self- compassion.

    Know that its ok to feel whatever Christmas feels for you. Feel that mystery of love deep within your wounded heart and soul. Neither I, neither you are the pain or shame.

    May I share with you this blessing, as a gift, from John O Donohue, as I also say thank you, and do have a truly restful, calm, loving, heartfelt, self compassionate Christmas.

    A Prayer for the Awakened:

    For Everything under the Sun, there is a time, This is the season of your harvest awakening, where pain takes you where you would rather not go.

    Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place you had forgotten you knew from the Inside out, And a time when that bitter tree was planted.

    That has grown always invisibly beside you, and whose branches your awakened hands, now long to disentangle from your heart.

    You are coming to see how your looking often darkened, When you should have felt safe enough to fall towards love; How deep down your eyes were always owned by something.

    That faced them through a dark fester of thorns, Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong, You could only see what touched you as already torn.

    Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning, and your memory is ready to show you everything, having waited all these years for you to return and know.

    Only you know where the casket of pain is interred, You will have to scare through all the layers of covering, And according to your readiness, everything will open.

    May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide, Who can accompany you through the fear and grief, until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

    As your tears fall over that wounded place,

    May they wash away the hurt and free your heart

    May your forgiveness still – the hunger of the wound

    So that for the first time you can walk away from that place, Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed

    And feel the clear, free air bless your new face

    For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of their past – John O Donohue

    Be Still friends, and Know that you are love – Happy Christmas to you

    James

  • Self Compassion Treasure moments

    I have been amazed by the universe treasure moments that seem to arrive to me, chance encounters, free gifts in shops, writing in books that match what I’d been talking about the day before (no algorithms there)

    This was one yesterday.

    I’d bought this John o Donohue book in a charity shop about six weeks ago, one of about 10 books I bought that day, this one went on the bottom shelf hidden away.

    Reading prayers and blessings not always my thing.

    Yesterday I had a tidy of my books, getting rid of 10 to the local charity shop, and re-found the John o Donohue…

    I opened the book, randomly

    To this page

    What did I write about the day before yesterday?

    Exactly

    May I be a friend to myself.

    This path of self compassion seems littered with treasure.

    I am a mystery, waiting to be loved….as are you

    May you and I journey to that place in your soul where there is love and warmth and feeling.

  • Resisting the urge to understand rather than be self- compassionate.

    If you’ve read my last two piece of writing in the last few days you will know that I have shared a little about self compassion, and in particular showing self compassion for my self critical nature.

    It would be very tempting for to try and understand the roots of my self critical nature – and that’s exactly what my ‘little professor’ adult thinking self wants to do. Understand.

    I could spend a few hours or days on working all this out. To be honest, if you’ve read my story (in the menu above) it wouldn’t be difficult to assess. Safe to say childhood wasn’t a place of praise, support or encouragement (that would lead to big headedness), it wasn’t a place to relax and feel gratitude, but a place of revolving around the needs of the dominant emotionally immature parent (s).

    I learned to rely on myself intellectually, and go ‘into’ my head.

    Im writing more now on this than I actually was going to. So ill stop.

    Because in a real way, understanding the root, has been done already.

    I dont need to go back, not this time. Not again.

    Im not here to blame.

    Ive resisted the urge today, this week to blame, and go back.

    Instead.

    Ive stayed in the present. Today.

    Because self compassion, isn’t about understanding and trying to work it out

    Self compassion is being a friend to myself now.

    Tending, loving and being gentle with myself now.

    Resisting the head knowledge of the root of my critical nature

    Instead sitting in the power of the present.

    So ive written a whole lot more today, that you won’t see, but that’s for me, tender to myself, friend to myself, loving myself.

    Feeling the space around my heart, body and soul for love to be encountered

    Warmth of self love, listening to the slow breath

    Giving myself respect and reverence. Time and space.

    Telling myself that I am enough, that I can relax as myself

    I dont need to perform, not even now

    Just be, who I am, and not strive for something else.

    Not have to prove something. Not have to meet expectations

    Embrace the feeling of warmth, resting in the infilling

    I dont need to know where it comes from – it was what I needed to do to survive, and that in itself is to be thankful and warm towards.

    But now, I can rest, in myself, as I am.

    In her chapter on Self Compassion for the Self critical (which ive read, felt and embraced its power four times this week) Radhule Weininger writes:

    ‘Often as you open your heart, feelings of kindness, compassion, forgiveness and generosity well up naturally and flow outward in widening circles…

    Your habit of self depreciation and self reproach can be healed by daring to look inwards and holding your inner experience with understanding, gentleness and care’

    Heartwork (2017)

    I need not be self investigative, but self therapeutic, giving unconditional positive regard for myself.

    Being a friend to myself. What does that feel like?

    Being a friend to the present.. here and now

    Unlearning the critical learned part, lifting it with warmth

    Being at peace with myself

    Show up to myself.

    Practicing all of these things, day by day, experience by experience, situation by situation. A self compassion path isn’t one towards perfection, but wholeness.

  • Self-Compassion Nuggets

    After writing yesterdays piece on Self Compassion, I have spent time today reflecting, meditating and feeling through the following quotes. I share them here:

    You can’t have compassion unless you’re first willing to feel what you feel

    John Welwood : Between Heaven and Earth, principles of Inner work – in Weininger ‘Heartwork’ The path of Self compassion – 2017

    When a deep, honest conversation, makes us feel connected to someone, we become very happy.

    The same deep connection with ourselves is possible by wholly accepting who we are and realising the enlightened nature of ourselves

    This too is a source of incomparable happiness and freedom.

    Haemin Sunim, Things we only notice when we slow down, 2017

    The Ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that – But I Am

    Eckhart Tolle, Oneness with all life (2008)

    On another occasion I may write more about the path of self compassion and what I am discovering through it. One thing, is the sense of warmth and peace I feel afterwards, and feeling stronger though openness to myself , feeling and then comforting the rawness of the areas of my life that require self tenderness and gentleness. I sense that self compassion is a gateway to deep soul strength.

    But now I will be a friend to myself, as keep this a short one today. It has been a restoring day.

    Closing with these words from The Dalai Lama:

    Compassion and love can be defined as the positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination and inner strength

    Thank you for all the supportive comments, likes and shares from my writing and self learning. I appreciate you.

  • The Powerful Blog I Didnt Write.

    The Powerful Blog I Didnt Write.

    Last night I was planning to write something. I also thought I might do some reading too, the latter being one of my favourite evening activities, put the music on, light the wax candles, pick up a book and sit and read

    But I was just weirdly unsettled.

    Oh, and the other thing, is that since early October I have been without my laptop to do this kind of writing. I have written quite a bit in my personal journals, free writing, sometimes crayon scrawling and inner James work, but not this kind, the blog writing stuff. What this has done in a month is store up in my mind a number of themes, ideas, pictures that I may want to write about, they are stored, I thought one would download fairly successfully into one yesterday.

    But it didnt.

    I tried picking up all the books I’ve read in the last 6 weeks and before, where the corners are folded, the pages and phrases that have inspired. I even checked my drafts folder. Ive read some wonderful books in the last 6 weeks too, Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth and Oneness with all of life, Matt Haigs How to stop Time, The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho and Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. All wonderful books. Loved them all.

    But Nothing. Nothing Downloaded.

    Nothing felt like it was flowing from the mind, to the fingers.

    And I got frustrated.

    I felt like I wasted an evening

    I was annoyed at myself.

    I wasn’t productive.

    I shouldn’t have felt that way, I was trying to do something, but felt unsettled. There wasn’t clarity or flow.

    How did I react to my self imposed circumstance. Annoyed. Frustrated.

    I had self expectations.

    I ended up with self learning.

    I stopped.

    I was critical of myself and gave myself a beating up, over something that was of my own choice.

    I tend to do this often.

    Beat myself up.

    Think of myself as not good enough.

    Think of myself as not as creative, imaginative, talented as others.

    The critical shell on my outside can turn inwards.

    The over thinking mind that over dwells.

    Then I felt something else….. Shame.

    I felt ashamed that I felt annoyed at myself. Shame.

    Embarrassed that I felt this way.

    Shame made me feel small and useless temporarily for not being attentive to myself. Shame took me to the hiding place.

    Even in the smallest of moments, shame attaches itself to those feelings. Not careful and I’m in a swirl.

    I shouldn’t feel this way, I should be better than this, I should….

    ‘Should’ Shame.

    So.

    I Stopped.

    This was my evening for 90 minutes yesterday.

    Ive noticed this recently. The Shame Cycle. Actually maybe its not a cycle, more like shame is like a leech to feelings, attaching itself to them.

    At this point, I could easily drown or get drawn into over thinking, self criticism, self blaming and feeling pretty low.

    So what did I do?

    I remembered – who I am

    I noticed – my feelings of frustration, and stepped to one side of them

    I breathed.

    I remembered something else too.

    The True Anti-dote to Shame is Self-compassion

    Sneezy/Ziskind (eds) 2013 IFS – New Dimensions

    It was at this moment that my wife Christelle joined me on a zoom call. I told her about my feelings of frustration, and feeling ‘not very productive’ . She also reminded me that I had been very productive, and that it was ok for me to rest, to do nothing. To sit. To just be.

    Sometimes it takes someone else to help us remember.

    As someone so self-critical, from my history of self blame, over responsibility and any kind of support – Self compassion is significantly difficult. Especially as I also hear the self voices that disbelieve in it, that write it off, the voices that are scared of it, its as if shame can have an internal voice that’s screaming because it knows that its about to be listened to, cared for and have warmth applied to it.

    It hates that by the way.

    Self love wins.

    On our Honeymoon in Santa Barbara, Christelle and I went to an amazing bookstore (twice) – Paradise Found In it I could easily have spent far too much on books, and I was probably only restricted by my luggage allowance… The one book I bought was this one:

    I am going to write about the different types of responses I have had the self help books.

    Safe to say this one has been like a warm snuggly blanket from the beginning. I have felt safe reading it, and its softened my heart to discover a path of self compassion, for myself. I began a few weeks ago to write down privately a journal of self compassion, and where this path was going to take me, what I need to have self compassion and warmth for.

    It is as if every day I get the opportunity to practice. Even when it comes to ‘just writing a blog’ .

    Let me close with some words adapted from the book, that were appropriate to me yesterday.

    May I have compassion on myself, for being self critical

    May I have compassion on the feelings that I have

    May I have compassion on myself, breathing in love, like oxygen from the air, and feel that breath flow through my body

    May I have compassion on my wounded heart

    May I have compassion on my overactive mind

    May I give myself grace

    May I be a best friend to myself and to this present moment.

    May I tend to my shame feelings with warmth and gentleness

    May I have compassion on myself

    My words, adapted from HeartWork – The Path of Self Compassion (Radhule Weininger)

    In that moment of slow. Not Self beating, but self healing and compassion. Restoring my heart and soul to its core truth, feeling and loving myself, one breath at a time. I can make a choice to love, and love myself. Shame loosens its grip, peace and love flow.

    Sometimes life gives the opportunity to practice, immediately. The opportunity to note the feelings that naturally arise, and respond with self loving care.

    Last night I got frustrated with myself, and it was ok.

    It gave me an opportunity to show myself love and compassion.

    I learned something far more powerful instead.

  • Self Love is a Risk

    Self Love is a Risk

    You’ve just got to love yourself, they say

    Give yourself time

    You are important

    You are enough

    Its about being vulnerable, and embracing discomfort

    Thats what some of the books say.

    Thats what’s required for life, for creativity and innovation (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly)

    I get it. I want to get it.

    But.

    Even the first of these seems risky.

    Loving myself. Loving and listening to myself.

    Becoming aware of my feelings.

    It was brought home to me over the last few weeks.

    Its a risk.

    Complex trauma, both emotional neglect and abuse, coupled with strong childhood adherence to an evangelical faith make this risky.

    Too many self sacrificing defaults have been set.

    Too many ‘put others first’ learned behaviours have been performed.

    Too many times was it safer for me to revolve around others, my abusive mothers, needs than attend to my own – too many times soothing my abuser meant safety for me.

    Too many times I heard – ‘love your neighbour’ very few times I heard ‘as yourself’ – though with the all too often shame that was associated with too much pride. Shame.

    Ahh yes, that ‘S’ word.

    The word you’d feel if you uttered the other S word in church.

    And fear of being accused of being Selfish was the other S word. Especially at Home.

    It took a risk to start to think of myself as anything, let alone something – though I sort of knew I was ok.

    Self love is risky.

    Knowing I can love myself – without justification

    Knowing I can choose what I do with my time – can feel utterly alien and pushing through sand to feel like this is even allowed or possible

    That voice. That inner critic voice. Be useful. Don’t be lazy. Stay Busy. You don’t deserve this. Surely there’s something else to do.

    Its as if its waiting for that moment.

    Self love can feel a risk.

    A risk because it challenges so much of…well everything.. everything I once knew and had become default.

    My childhood emotional needs, my identity and adaption into an evangelical christian faith (though it needn’t have been as evangelical to still have all those ‘S’ words)

    Loving myself is a challenge and a risk. A risk that means looking inwards. A Risk because I dont often want to look at or be close to the painful bits, or shame bits, and feeling like I’m not able to love myself because I might be in trouble for doing so, or be told off for being selfish, or its something else.

    Self love is risky because i grew up with an understanding of responsibility and fault. I believed I was to blame, and I took on responsibility, because I was projected on as being spoilt, selfish, too clever, messy, not there enough for that person, not fulfilling her needs, not able to ‘fix’ the family.

    The over think everything, get lost in my thoughts, think them through, think all the options, think about what I should have done, what I didnt do, what I need to do what I am , what kind of person I was or am, think James, think, and it keeps on going, wake up with the same thinking thoughts.

    I was the fixer of, and helper of others. Responsible. Over thinking.

    Self love is a risk – for that voice tells me not to be selfish.

    I love the writing of Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, recently he shared this on his blog

    Self love is a risk. Self love, deep self love is courageous.

    It changes the pattern.

    It undo’s the default.

    It communicates to myself that I am important.

    Its a risk. Its a risk every time.

    Its a challenge every day.

    Brene Brown is right. We are living in an age of scarcity. An age where love is scarce- but where products are traded as love. Loving ourselves is the risk to start turning to whats inside of ourselves as a source of love, a source of peace and joy, and give this the opportunity to shine. Self love may well be the source of the river, where it all starts.

    Maybe Jesus was saying, you can only love your neighbour as you love yourself. That was the challenge set down to the lawyer who asked in the question. Can you love yourself? and in that love – will your neighbour be loved too? It wasn’t just loving a neighbour for show. Where might there be balance in the love for self and neighbour/others in the Bible – just thinking out loud…

    Self love is about being brave and courageous – taking the risk and being vulnerable to myself- not just being strong and getting through it.

    Self love.

    Do you dare take the risk? Do you dare not too?

    Thank you for reading my blogs on this page, if you’d like to support my work and writing further, you can do so by making a gift donation here, thank you

  • The Greatest Challenge

    Have you worked out the Greatest Challenge in Life yet?

    The easiest thing, is to be doing something. To be continually doing something. To be planning to be doing something is still doing something.

    To be doing.

    Last week I got over 40 ‘likes’ on a facebook post about something I had been ‘doing’ – 3 days of safeguarding training with the Methodist Church btw.

    Doing something.

    It may be physically impossible to ‘do nothing’ for an hour – our bodies have to breathe, our senses listen to the sounds from outside, or music playing, but what if being was valued more that doing?

    What happens if you try and sit and ‘be’? What creeps in? – A task, a worry, a thought? A distraction – the voice that says ‘ you should be doing something’ ‘ dont be lazy’ ..its always a critical voice – and what I do when I hear that voice – sometimes give in, sometimes try and distract from that voice…by doing something… ugh, and so it continues.

    And there’s no option for this when in the moment of survival in abuse, the mind is utterly active, and my body just wants to be active to compensate. Thats why I anxiety clean. Its why I needed EMDR to rewrite my brain, so I could sit.

    But- back to this moment.

    Here,

    Now:

    Sitting still, just for a moment.

    The greatest challenge.

    It takes a fight to sit and just be.

    It takes courage to be.

    To sit and breathe.

    To listen.

    Not just to the externals of some music or the sounds from outside- that are tempting to go and see

    But listen to the noise of my internal breath

    Listen to the sound, of quiet, of silence

    And notice myself.

    Just being.

    How good are you at being? How are you in your being today?

    What if I ‘just’ sit and be? and its not even just sitting, that makes it out to be something secondary, what if ‘being’ was valued and important, what if being me, being you was the ‘most’ important thing. What if it wasn’t a luxury to have a moments peace and quiet, but something valued, and treasured by all, and encouraged in each other. I could easily do a million and one other things, but the most important and difficult thing.

    Just to be.

    Realising the life in every breath. In every moment.

    Giving your self time. Time for yourself.

    Its not about getting off one rat race and finding another, but noticing the being inside. Bringing awareness to your very soul, and being, and heart. Its you that matters.

    So just sit. And be.

    Be with yourself for a while. Sense the life within. Sense you.

    References

    Gary Zukav – The Seat of the Soul

    Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now/ A New Earth.

  • My Problem(s) being an Abuse Victim

    What do I see myself as, A Victim or a Survivor?

    If I go back 4 years;

    I couldn’t be a victim, unless I realised that I was badly treated.

    So I was in denial

    I couldn’t realise the extent of what had happened to me, until I started to say that I was a victim of abuse.

    Because , until then, I was holding onto the responsibility of actions someone else had done to me.

    I was protecting them and fearing them, holding it all in, running from dealing with it.

    Thinking that what happened to me, was what I deserved.

    I was responsible. I was full of shame.

    Thats what emotional abuse is. The ongoing belief that I was responsible, guilty for actions other people had done to me.

    It was my responsibility to soothe them and do what they wanted, or I would be punished.

    But I didn’t know it. I lived in a daze of slavery.

    Compliant and Passive. Loyal and Dead on the inside, and outside.

    It was only when I realised that I was more than ok, that I realised I was being treated badly. It was only when I realised this, that I could stand up for myself, and pass that responsibility onto those whose it was to take.

    In fact on more than one occasion one of the accusations levelled at me, shouted drunk, by my abuser was ‘Dont you starting thinking of yourself as the victim’ …. So… I was projected and abused into not being able to see that I was being abused.

    I had to realise that those who had played victim – so that I took responsibility for their feelings, weren’t actually the real victim.

    Not that I am utterly blameless, this isn’t the point.

    In understanding what had happened to me, and the safe space to do it – was the moment that I realised, gradually and slowly that I had been a victim of domestic abuse.

    I started to see the patterns, I started to read the books, I started to assess how I was being treated, used and lied to.

    So I was a victim.

    But I didnt know it.

    And I was reluctant to own it. I didnt want to be known as a victim. Even if I did start to realise what had happened to me.

    And yet at the same time, almost at exactly the same time, because I didnt realise that I had been a victim of this for 40 years, and I was in a safe place from virtually the time I realised. I considered myself a survivor too.

    I was a victim, it was the past tense. At that moment. It had happened.

    In the current moment of knowing, and acknowledging the past pain – the present moment I could say that I wasn’t currently a victim either. It had happened.

    Why would I want to keep playing the victim card? Thats what I’ve seen all my life- to abuse me. Why would I want to abuse myself in the same way – or bring out that same needy ‘poor me’ personality. No – why would I do that? I write my story for awareness. I know my story isnt unique. Well not quite at times. I dont want to dwell in a victim mindset.

    But it was important for me to realise that I had been a victim. That I had been treated, or allowed myself to be treated badly, from a deep core of trauma, shame, codependency and people pleasing – and hiding all this, and it not being safe to deal with it.

    So.. I was a victim. But I wasnt too. ,

    Would I say I was a survivor? Is that appropriate?

    Maybe. Maybe not.

    Have I survived? Currently yes – though some weeks, this week especially has been pretty dark. Surviving is what I had to do, throughout the time of the abuse. My internal voice that constantly said ‘I am going to get through this’..

    I dont like the thought that I am still surviving. Though I did survive. Many others dont. So I am grateful, eternally grateful to be here and alive. I wasnt close to jumping off the cliffs of Roker , when my therapist asked about my mental health. I was determined to grow, to dig deep and wrestle with myself and what I needed to do, for myself. I knew I was ok. I was probably more than that. But I had also survived the worst of it.

    In the present moment; I did survive. I wasnt a victim.

    Affected by decades of emotional and psychological abuse. Yes.

    Realising and attending to myself in the process of loving myself to be me. Yes

    Choosing the slow road, the self-kind road and trying to listen to my inner childhood voice. Yes

    It feels like a choice I make every day. A powerful choice to regard myself highly.

    Am I a survivor – yes then. But what would I rather be?

    I would rather be me.

    I would rather not be defined by what someone else did to me.

    I would rather not have them centred in my story.

    I am me – I am James – I am who I am.

    I am living and alive, love and loved, present and the future.

    I dont want to be a victim, I dont want their curse to stay on me.

    I am rebuilding , I am becoming a truer version of me

    I just am me.

    Just like you are you.

    This piece was inspired by Dr Glenns one – do read it here in it he says:

    In my experience as a trauma therapist, that’s just now how trauma recovery unfolds in the real world.

    In the real world, we ONLY recover WHEN we take responsibility for our happiness and stability— and part of taking REALISTIC responsibility means acknowledging our pain.

    It is not reality to pretend we are responsible for our post traumatic pain.

    It is not reality to “accept responsibility” for injuries that resulted from other peoples’ decisions and behavior.

    It is not reality to deny the fact that we are in pain, and there are layers to our pain that we do not control and can not reliably affect.

    It IS reality to see what we see and know what we know about our past and our present functioning— that there were aspects of our past that were painful and terrifying, and there are aspects of our current functioning that aren’t great as a result.

    None of that is “victim mindset.” It is reality mindset.”

    Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle