James Ballantyne

Tag: self-love

  • The Challenge of ‘Letting Go’

    The Challenge of ‘Letting Go’

    What does it mean to ‘let go’?

    What does letting go mean, when the damage has been so great – from people who are supposed to be anything but this?

    I thought I had let go of them, one time, but I was running away scared

    Ran away as far as I could – geographically and physically – but running scared of them

    Running away was all I thought I could do

    But

    Running away is pretending

    Running away wasnt wanting to face

    Running away when I couldn’t articulate it

    Running away was saying things like ‘I didnt have a bad childhood’

    Running away wasnt being true to the self I was

    Frightened James running away.

    Thats not letting go.

    ‘They did this to me’

    ‘Its their fault I’m like this’

    I cant change who I am and ill blame them

    Thats not letting go either

    Thats accepting that nothing can change

    And im just their continual victim

    Letting go, means not holding on

    Not holding on to the pain they caused

    or the excuse that I can give them

    Keeping the pain close

    Letting go, means letting that go

    Noting it, seeing it, feeling it, unescapable moments and reminders

    Opportunities to keep healing, not holding

    letting go – and letting go of the shame,

    The shame of things I needed to do to cope and survive

    The shame that I felt responsible for fixing them, soothing them

    The shame of not meeting their expectations

    Guilty by dissociation.

    The shame of being theirs. Their son.

    Identity shame.

    Letting go – means not holding on, means not running away, means releasing responsibility and giving it to someone else

    Letting go – and knowing that I am enough, I have a voice, I have needs and I am free

    Letting go – facing, accepting and making changes to protect myself

    Letting go – is that what forgiveness is? Forgiving myself for what I put myself through..because of them?

    Letting go – of their effects being my story

    Letting go – of having them take more power in my life and future

    Letting go – and being strong

    Letting go – of any myth of normal

    Letting go – expectations of pleasing or meeting their needs

    Letting go – and loving myself

    Letting go- and valuing myself

    Letting go – and releasing the pain

    Letting go – and making myself light again

    Letting go means being the sky and not on their cloud

    Letting go – to discover myself

    Letting go – to be the me I should have always been

    Letting go

    To breathe clean air

    To think clean thoughts

    To be in the present

    It’s time.

    Its time to not carry any longer.

    The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become completely muddy after heavy rains. Near the village a young woman was trying to cross the road, but the mud was too deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan picked her up and carried her over to the other side.

    The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temp. Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer; ‘Why did you carry that girl across the road?, he asked ‘We monks aren’t supposed to do that’

    ‘I put the girl down hours ago, said Tarzan ‘ Are you still carrying her?’

    Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

  • Developing internal commitments to myself

    I have stood and made a number of commitments to others.

    Commitments to workplace ideals and agreements

    Commitments to the terms and conditions of a large purchase

    Commitments to the planet as I have tried at times to reduce my carboin footprint, buy organic or grow my own

    Commitments to others in relationships.

    Commitments to a God, recommitments on a regular teenage basis

    Commitments as new year resolutions? – what have they been like for you?

    Whats been the biggest struggle for me in terms of commitment?

    Commitment to myself

    In all my existence, I have only notionally given any thought to making commitments to myself.

    There was the time when I was 40 when I decided to do more exercise before my 40th Birthday, and cut down alcohol and reduce food.

    It still felt like an external change. Even if my body did appreciate it at the time.

    I barely gave any thought to myself. I barely could.

    I had been conditioned to think that to think of myself was selfish

    I had been conditioned to revolve emotionally around others

    I had such an aching emptiness inside that I thought ‘helping others’ was what brought be me joy.

    So what could I commit to myself?

    External things, like food, exercise and bodily health. Not unimportant.

    It wasn’t in balance.

    I wouldn’t say I was selfless, though I was at times accused of being selfish for even considering that I had needs.

    And I poured out from a completely empty vessel. Because that was exactly what I was used to being.

    Neglected and empty, and used to it.

    Don’t get me wrong it wasnt that I rejected self-care because I thought it was worthless – though I acknowledge that in the past I may have scoffed a projection of what worth it might do – that was just my defensive survival talk speaking. Why bother with self care – I’ve managed without it? Id rather just tell others about it.

    And that’s it isn’t it; before being able to commit to myself, before being able to protect myself, before being able to listen to myself

    I had to acknowledge myself

    I had to start to recognise that I had a self worth valuing

    Some of that started with getting to know myself – self knowledge

    Continuing with the ‘feeling of feelings’ ,

    and over the course of the last 3-4 years being on a path of self acceptance, self knowledge, self awareness to where I am now, which again is in a process of therapy, and also finishing a counselling course – and reading books on self understanding

    What I began without realising it was a path of deep self discovery, a path of rebelling my external intelligence, with internal intelligence too

    What might it look like to make commitments to myself, as I am now?

    A commitment to personal growth? A commitment to ongoing spiritual and emotional growth?

    Committing myself to thinking positively of myself

    A commitment to love myself, including the parts of me that have been hidden or frightened?

    A commitment to accept raw and vulnerability as part of the process of rebuilding

    A commitment to keep listening to myself, my inner voice, my spiritual child within?

    A commitment to prioritise myself maybe?

    A commitment to value being present perhaps?

    A commitment to the slow, and not the fast? The slow rebuild….

    A commitment to not give everything away? (NB – I have written a lot in the last 4 weeks, and its not for you here)

    In Gary Zukavs book ‘Spiritual Partnership’ he outlines five commitments for his own spiritual and emotional growth, which have inspired me to think about commitment; his are;

    1. Focus on what I can learn about myself
    2. Pay attention to my emotions
    3. Pay attention to my thoughts
    4. Pay attention to my intention

    I reflect on my own journey. From denial of myself, to understanding and acceptance of myself, to loving myself – yes its taken a while, yes its not been without tears and revelations of my own responsibilities, behaviour and choices, and also my life survival requirements – but to be in a position of even considering making commitments to myself, for my own sake, for my own well being. How might I pledge these 5 things for myself – and what difference will it continue to make, for me, and others around me, such as Christelle, my kids, family, work…?

    So I ask – what commitments have you made to prioritise your own spiritual and emotional self?

    Not ideals, but self pledges, self determination, to stay as real, the best I and you can be – what might it be for you?

  • True Courage

    True Courage

    Im learning courage

    Not the courage to climb, to fight or to be successful

    Not the courage to be disliked, or happy

    But the courage to listen to the frightened parts of me

    The courage to love those parts

    The parts of me I hid away

    The part of me that hid away those parts

    The parts I hid away, in a safe place

    The parts of shame and guilt

    The hidden needs and wants

    The dreams and ambitions

    The pains and the joys

    I chose to hide them away

    Safe, from my abusers

    Feelings I hid- not acceptable, not appropriate

    Mask truth, lie to adapt, lie to survive

    The part of me that hid things

    To control, to keep safe.

    But now it is safe, for me to love

    Love opens the door to let light into the hidden places

    Love is gentle

    Love is kind

    To myself

    Feelings, emotions, stories, actions, coping strategies all like lost children hiding in a cupboard, hide and seek, with no seek

    Gradually waiting, to be held, loved, to be seen.

    This has been the courage I’m learning over the last month, especially, the courage to love and hold my abandoned childhood, to listen, slowly.

    One abandoned, hidden, neglected child at a time.

    Spiritual partnership by Gary Zukav
  • The Root that Took

    The Root that Took

    I feel like a potato at the moment

    Being peeled

    Layer by layer

    Skin first, feeding it’s way through the blade of the knife

    Gentle hand, gliding it’s way around the exteriort

    The skin

    To the flesh

    The white or grey

    Bruises, wounds

    Growths, fungi, mould underneath the skin

    Amongst the raw white flesh

    Wounds hidden away

    Affecting the growth

    Affects the flesh

    Amongst the white

    Peeling away

    Getting to the centre

    Getting to the root

    It’s all connected to the root

    The flesh, the fungi, the bruises, the mould,

    The root

    The root that sunk deep inside the core

    The root that detaches easily

    The root that has no connection

    The root in which no protection against bacteria or attacks were given

    The root that carried toxins from the soil

    The root that damaged growth

    The root of poison

    The root that took

    The root that sucked goodness for itself

    The root that supplied shame, hurt, fear,

    The root that neglected

    The root that always took

    The root that fucking took

    The blade is cutting through, yet soft hands are gently remoulding the flesh

    Loving and caring for the fungi, the bruises, the scars

    Bringing life

    Scraping off the root

    Sinking the flesh into healthy soil again

    Safety, love, connection, gentleness, kind.

    Repairing from the root that took.

  • Self-love on the ‘Memory-feel’ days

    Theres lots of reasons why I struggle with this time of the year. Quite apart from this year in which I’m navigating a new job, a new home and living in a new area between January and March.

    This time of the year, has too many other reminders.

    Some days fluctuate, so its not a set date, like mothers day.

    But others are fixed.

    For two of my friends on facebook I note that today has been a day to remember significant life-health events, memories that have feelings. Feelings of relief, of process, of accomplishment, of gratitude of being alive- so so good to read, and look back in this way.

    I think I accepted a while ago that I didnt actually have parents. They do exist and are alive. But they don’t exist as parents. They weren’t ever parents, in the actual sense. Not parents who cared, loved, protected or nurtured. Not parents who educated, supported or empathised. Not parents who you tell everything to, felt safe or warm with or know that they would be there, or that they would give everything for their children. They exist orbiting their own toxic emotional world.

    And I can accept that, and I choose not to have anything to do with them.

    It’s been a very long long process to get to.

    As many of you may have read, in the previous blogs on this site. The journey of me coming to terms with, and dealing appropriately with them, for my own well being and sake has been significant.

    But todays date loomed a bit in the calendar.

    And I kind of knew it might do.

    However much, and its probably only the second year that I have had to deal with this day as a difficult day – last year I was in the process of the dealing with, my emotional place was in a different.

    So today from a place of acceptance, I was expecting the feelings.

    April 8th is one of parents birthdays, its also the day I remember on which my lovely grandad died 23 years ago.

    A double ‘memory-feel’ day.

    I used to not think about these kind of days. Growing up avoiding emotions, with a survival mentality and closed, all I would do on days like thins was do everything I could to pretend it wasnt today, avoid it. Do everything to distract.

    The feelings lying lurking in the corner as I was scared of feeling them, and not in a safe place to do so. Avoid. Fear.

    Some triggers hit you unawares, and I think I’m fortunate on that regard, very few things in my daily life have any reminder of my parents – well until last weekend when I used an electric drill for the first time in 3 years – but not normally – there’s no favourite foods, smells, music, cultural references that remind me of them in day to day.

    So im left largely with dates. Significant dates – memory-feel dates. Birthdays, Mothers/Fathers days, those kind of thing.

    Before I might have tried to avoid all of this, because I always thought the pain of all the emotions would be significant.

    Today, theres been a mixture of pain, grief, anger, relief, and also sense of growing up and standing up to them – defending and protecting myself.

    I knew id have a reaction today. Some of those feelings have welled up a bit. Its caused me to think of my own children, to think about being a dad, to think about having to be my own parent to myself and my own inner child – to reparent myself.

    It was ok to cry a bit today. On my couch, in my nice new flat. No need to hold back the moment of the feelings. Just let them come out. Crying is good. Didn’t need to be for long, just enough to let what was welling up come out, release a bit. Let them out.

    It didnt hurt anyone by feeling my emotions, the ones so far today anyway.

    And I wrote a bit in my therapy journal.

    Acceptance of the situation of today, its memories also acceptance that the emotions may just come out. Acceptance that the day may have moments. Acceptance that I am human, raw and vulnerable. That I dint just need to try and survive by avoidance.

    Theres been happy feelings today too, as its days like this when Christelle just knows how to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

    Awareness that the present of today might include recurrence and residues of the past.

    An all the feels kind of day.

    One of the slightly raw ones.

    Thats its absolutely ok to have.

    Accepting the ‘Memory-feel’ days.

    Giving myself the opportunity to tell myself, again, of the truth of myself, and loving myself, that I am ok, and I am safe and loved.

    Breathe.