James Ballantyne

Tag: self – respect

  • The Lie we’re conditioned to believe.

    I will be ok. 

    Thats the lie. Right there. 

    Actually not quite. 

    Because thinking about it, ‘I will be ok’ was always true, as im still here now, and ‘I will be ok’ was what I used to say to myself a lot, when going through the bewilderment of emotional abuse and manipulation in childhood and in a long term marriage. When things got tough, or weird or both, and much was just what I had been used to since birth; ‘I will be ok’ would be what I said to myself. 

    And because im here writing this, I guess that isnt the liee then. That was grit and determination rearing its strengthening head. 

    The lie was this. 

    ‘I will be ok….if’ 

    ‘If’ that tiny little word. 

    ‘If’ could also appear at the end of the phrase

    ‘They might like me .. IF’ 

    or

    ‘They might be proud of me … ‘IF’ 

    or 

    ‘Things might be ok…’if’’

    But lets get back to the first one

    ‘I will be ok….if’ 

    Conditional Okay-ness. 

    Because thats what it is. Ultimately. It’s about having a self belief that is only satisfied when certain conditions happen. Conditional self- worth, self -respect, self-regard. 

    ‘I will be ok….. if im a little bit fitter’ 

    ‘I will be happy … if I write a piece that goes viral’ 

    ‘I will be happy…. on a sunny day’ 

    ‘I will be ok… if ‘they’ treat me ok’ 

    ‘I will be ok….. if _______ happens’ 

    ‘I will be ok… if get to put in my meditation, breathing, bath, journal, cook nice food, give myself some me time, breathe again, watch the roses grow and do yoga..twice… then ill be ok’ 

    ‘I will be ok……if’ 

    Because it’s a lie. 

    In his book ‘Living untethered’ (and also The Untethered Soul) Micheal Singer writes about how much of our lives are spend trying to avoid, navigate, deny or skirt around pain and challenges in our lives, so much that they dominate. So much so that we create a type of living in which the pain, the abuse, the darkness holds us in captive, and so we instead (I instead) would tell myself these little lies, the lies of conditional okayness. 

    Because I wasnt ok, I hoped and tried to will myself to be, but without facing the real pain, the real issues inside. I was temporarily ok….if my football team won, if I managed to get a good grade in an essay, if I could ride my bike…if , if, if, if… 

    I needed something to happen for me to have temporary ok-ness. 

    I needed something to cause me to feel a tiny bit ok. 

    I was requiring something other, to soothe… something inner. 

    I was needing ‘the world’ to fix/solve/soothe what was on the inside… without facing or dealing with the real issue. It was avoidant, I was avoidant, and yet ‘I will be ok..if’ is all around and so it was easy to go along with it… even if I was dying on the inside. 

    Because. If was depending on something to make me feel ok. Then I wasnt ok. 

    I was just in a cycle of it. 

    Being ok, needn’t be conditional. 

    It took me a very long while, at least 5 years of facing the stuff, journaling, listening to my emotions, giving myself time, safety, therapy, using the tools and having better self care routines, that helped me be in a better place. A place where I could trust myself a bit, a place where I was more aware of my sensitive nature, and awareness of the damage that had been done to me. (for more of this read my story here) . Yet, I was still trying to believe that I was ok. Yes I could relax, yes I was safe, but so much deep down, inside I was , and especially when I hit some low points, I would collapse and breakdown, which I did in 2023. 

    I knew I didnt believe in myself because the very thing that I needed, was the thing I criticised. Positive psychology. Thinking positively. Self affirmations.. yuk no no no. I can’t do that…it’s so Ammmerrican. It’s false, it’s ugh, no. 

    But I realised that my inner critic voice was still running the roost. Even with a lot of change. I still had ‘needs’ and ‘needed things’ to be ok. 

    I didn’t believe I was ok, not unconditionally ok. Self belief hung on a fragile string. 

    That little lie ‘ I will be ok…if……I change my job…if I write something…if I …..’ 

    And whilst im at it, ill not dwell on this here, but I might well have been told that ‘God loved me’ – but since that was also the belief of my abusive parent, and also church was a place I needed to belong, to be important, to be busy, to be intelligent, to know (and not feel) – two theology degrees later and a 22 year career working in faith groups in the UK… Unconditional Gods love, was lost in a kernel of conditional institutional performance and responsibility. It wasnt Gods fault. But too much pain and damage surrounded this heart, and so unconditional love or even unconditional ‘ok-ness’ was off the table. 

    So, it was easy to believe the lie. 

    I wasnt ok, and I was stuck in a cycle of believing that I would be one day ok…if…

    What I had to do was face the reality of myself, and my hurts, pains, defence mechanisms, sand strategies…and dig right deep, into the places of self loathing, self mistrust, self destruction… and find myself stronger, more loving, and more compassionate than all of them. 

    To start to rebuild a self that had been broken and tormented since birth. 

    To realise that ‘ I will be ok.. If’ 

    Was actually a lie. 

    Because the truth is something else. 

    The truth is not that I am ok. 

    The truth is that I just am. 

    Regardless of what happens. I still am. 

    Regardless of what I do… I am

    And in me there is love, and joy, and calm, and truth… 

    The funny thing is, in the last year or so I notice myself saying things like ‘I need ______’ or ‘if I buy _______ ill be ok’ – its almost as if its an unusual thing, to notice, to realise and then I check in with myself. 

    I dont need to believe that I am conditionally ok. 

    And neither do you. 

    But it’s a lie we’ve been often told to believe. 

    Because it keeps us trapped.

  • Talking with Respect, gentleness and care….to myself.

    Men… Can you remember when your voice broke? What did that feel like? How old were you? I remember that I didnt want to talk for a few weeks or months because I was so self conscious about how it would sound, I also hated that it was noticed by everyone, so I stayed quiet. There was a change, a weird change. How I communicated changed three times, from child voice, to breaking unpredictable changing voice, to changed voice, in a few months.

    I noticed something about my walk last week.

    It is this.

    My Voice changed again recently. But it wasn’t my external voice.

    It was my inner one.

    I used to give myself a good talking to.

    Especially if I had done something wrong. Especially if I had made a mistake.

    Especially if id got embarrassed by something

    Especially if id been made to think id made a mistake, or misunderstood, or not met another persons needs, and been punished for it.

    I would beat myself up.

    In the way I would talk to myself.

    The strongest voice inside, was the voice of the perfectionist-critic.

    My inner voice was the voice of my own media company.

    Critic, Perfectionist…

    Not only was I emotionally neglected and beaten up by others, my inner voice assumed that I was responsibility. Why… because I had no reference to know that what I experienced by others was their problem. Or that I could be treated better.

    So it had to be me. I had to be the problem. My Fault. Because Women are always right..arent they? So it had to be me.

    What kind of things would I have heard myself say to myself?

    You’re not good enough

    You dont deserve any better

    You can survive, just keep going

    Why didn’t you think of that?

    You can do better

    You should do better

    You let yourself down there, James, and God too, you should be ashamed

    You should know this by now

    You should be able to do this

    Oh.. you really messed up again

    Look at yourself James, hypocrite.

    You failed at that one again

    You upset them, you silly boy.

    You need to be strong.

    Must rush, must do, must keep on, keeping on.

    It could be worse, don’t be ungrateful.

    Talking to myself, like I was my own worst enemy. Or just trying to numb and shut out what I felt.

    Beating myself up. Because that was the only way I knew how to process. Not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not being enough.

    Why did I notice this last week?

    Because the day after I had been for a walk, I reflected on how my inner voice has changed. Maybe its like it broke again. Broke by the process of digging deep, recovering and healing.

    I noticed that I could say to myself different things

    When I walked, I said things like:

    I can take myself out for a walk

    This is for me, I can be for me.

    I am grateful

    I am ok to feel

    I am ok- as I am.

    I am love and loved

    I can be, and breathe

    I can enjoy this moment, of the rain and mud

    I can sense myself

    and be proud of myself.

    I can have feelings and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

    I dont have to be perfect, I can do mess, I can play

    I can be slow.. I dont have to rush… I dont have to do everything

    I can have fun

    I can be happy

    I am.

    I am who I am and this is enough

    and more besides….

    I just noticed how the voice changed, it wasn’t the first time in the last few years that I have spoken to myself in this way. But it was just that I noticed the difference, how I used to be a critic and perfectionist, talking to myself like I had inherited voices from others. From self loathing, self denial – to self- reverence and self compassion. Was my inner guidance system the one I had created from the places of having to adapt as a child – abusive parents, evangelical religion, academia? Probably.

    Or maybe, and i’ll be kind to myself also, this was what I needed to do and be to survive emotionally. In my own head space, the place of thinking, over thinking and self criticism.

    It’s now safe for me to talk to myself in this way. Brave to be self- compassionate. To practice it and give it a go, to see how it feels, to have the feels.

    New green life forming from the old. New tender green shoots.

    What’s it like to be a supportive youth worker, be a friend even to myself, and do this, after agreeing with it. Doing it for myself. Because I am worth it. I am of value. I am.

    It was just good to notice the difference.

    Talking whole heartedly to myself. From broken to whole.

    If you’d like to learn more about Self Compassion, I highly recommend the beautiful book Heartwork by Radhule Weininger, a link is here Heartwork, also The Power of Now by Echart Tolle.

  • The challenge of saying No (today)

    The challenge of saying No (today)

    I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.

    Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’

    It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work

    I didnt want to do that thing, say No.

    I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.

    I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?

    Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.

    Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs

    How dare you say no to me!

    You’ve upset me and let me down

    You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault

    I dont like you when you say no

    You always do what you want

    and the rest…

    Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links

    So I was building up to the phone call.

    Deep breath.

    Adrenaline going

    Lots of energy being spent…

    and…

    And it was ok.

    The person understood.

    The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.

    The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.

    Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’

    The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.

    What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.

    I said No today and It was ok.

    I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.

    I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!

    I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.

    I put my needs first.

    I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.

    I chose myself.

    Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.

    Or worse – they started to attack.

    what will be their reaction, have you let people down again? and the rest…

    Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.

    I had a reminder of the power of No.

    I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.

    I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.

    Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…

    What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…