Over the last 15 months I have been keeping an ‘affirmation’ journal, in which each day, and each day with only 1 day missed in this time I have written positive affirmations to myself, maybe they’re from the universe, from God, from angels, from my heart to myself… it doesn’t matter, they have all been positive.
I started it after I had this interaction with my therapist back in November 2023……
I have realised that it is possible to say loving things to myself.
I have realised that it is possible to believe the same loving words about myself.
It was as if I was able to tentatively walk on an ‘island’ of self affirmation, of a different inner voice being stronger and more practiced than the other one.
The one in which I had been swimming in thick treacly water for my life before hand, with an island of serenity being a dream away, beyond anything possible.
That was its own lie. Beyond wasnt possible.
And for the months in the last year or so, because I have been able to live in an existence with a positive inner voice, it has made the other one more obvious.
The water may have been felt, at times, definitely. But swimming in it? not as much.
Yet my critical mind wanted to cling on for so long.
It wanted to keep its role.
It had convinced itself it was the only protector in town.
It needed to be.
Because it had been. The inner critic. Had been ruling the roost for 45 years, almost without any challenge at all.
It may have been exacerbated and created by some of the significant people around me, but when I listen to what it said to me, I realise that the most toxic relationship was with myself.
The inner voice that I gave too much power to.
The one that drove a type of perfection, that tore myself in half for every semblance of mistake – self hatred.
The one which tried to protect me from a kind of vulnerability that would open me up.
The one that ‘stayed strong’ in the midst
The one that gave up
The one that despaired
The one that thought it was always in trouble
The one that felt it was always responsible
The one that felt small and helpless
The one that was disappointed and cynical
The one that said I wasnt good enough…or deserve to be loved
The one that feared, and was scared.
The one that carried shame – for my own, or others pain.
The one that self loathed, after comfort eating, and the rest
The one that fell short, and felt burdened by ‘sin’
The one that kept trying and failing
The one that was living for a tomorrow, or trying to soothe when ‘conditionally ok’ – trying to find the ‘next thing’ to make everything feel ok. And not face the actual thing.
The one that ‘felt’ disappointed if something I tried didnt work, when I say disappointed, I mean rock bottom yukkiness.
The toxic relationship of that inner voice telling myself all these things, constantly, it barely stopped.
And what made it wore, that without any alternative, this voice was deemed God in my inner psyche.
Yeah. That toxic.
I thought that voice was God. It was God. yuk.
I look now, and so, when I hit the emotional break downs of 2018, or mid 2023 I wonder, that actually what also need to break, was the toxicity in myself, that had festered, honed and been plaguing me since birth. Because a childhood of survival isnt a childhood of life, love, nurturing or protection. I bricked up for safety.
And day by day, moment by moment in the last few years, and even more so in the last 14 months, self love has created self- safety to feel emotions and to rest in my own body, and let my mind off the hook.
It was love after all.
The tiniest crack of the strength of love, that began my turn to myself.
And now a day practice, which my heart speaks – rebalances my critical mind’s power.
Stops me using language and meanings against me, but for me, and unconditionally.
Lent. A journey into the shadows. A time to heal. A choice, to face it.
A time to see.
Time to notice.
That for me, in a place of deep self love
I can live knowing I am love, loved and that even those days and times when my mind wants its say, it isnt the only voice in town. It is met with love.
Healing myself from within, has been excruciating at times. Facing the shadows and not being afraid to ‘go there’, listening to the voice, but not giving it to its lies.
Love wins, and Love is in you in abundance.
One tear at a time. One breakdown to break in to the warm on the inside, and let it flow.
My most toxic relationship, was the one with myself.
And that was the only one I had the responsibility and power to heal.
James Ballantyne 