James Ballantyne

Tag: Sensitivity

  • There’s no such thing as bad feelings.

    Every time I click onto my ‘WordPress’ app on my phone it gives me a different question prompt for the day, as an example, todays is ‘What do you know about where you live’ , and normally, because there’s often a few hundred answers recorded and I dont always want to answer it, I ignore it.

    Yesterday however I was about to. It asked the following question:

    What positive emotion do you feel the most often?

    I looking at this whilst I was out and about shopping in the morning, and so it occupied my thinking around Morrisons.

    My mind went to times of deep content and happiness, about the times of being at peace and still, about times when I feel safe and loved, and I smiled a little reflecting on these as I was doing my food shopping. It felt good to have a bank of experience of good feelings and emotions to draw from.

    So I nearly answered the question.

    But then I stopped myself. A tiny bit.

    I realised that as I was thinking about the question I had fallen into a bit of trap.

    in which I was labelling ‘good’ emotions and ‘bad’ emotions – or positive feelings and negative feelings. (and I know emotions and feelings are slightly different but im using them interchangeably here)

    And by doing so giving so called ‘bad’ feelings a further reason to avoid them or feel fearful of them, if they are ‘bad’ then I can have reason for feeling shame for having them – anger, fear, distress, frustration, grief , yet these are all part of the human experience – more so – they are part of your and my collective humanity.

    I have had to dig deep over the last few months, circumstances that ill not disclose, have caused me to face a number of situations, that have required intense emotional energy, both in fearing, in feeling injustice and feeling horrified, angry and grief.

    I know in the past I would have faced difficult situations with a Stoical ‘I will survive’ kind of mentality, or dismiss my own feelings at the time, for others, or project anger or grief elsewhere (Twitter was great for this). More often I would avoid the feeling, it was shameful and unsafe to have them. I had internalised that having feelings made me a bad person. So ‘Im Ok’ would suffice.

    By being stoical and ‘avoiding’ the deep emotions and feelings – that included anger, anger that revealed grief, and grief that meant loss, I would keep all of that buried underneath. I couldn’t have feelings, and definitely not ‘so-called’ bad ones.

    But suppressing feelings and emotions – meant not experiencing life, its goodness and beautiful moments too. As I read recently Sensitive by Hannah Jane Walker, she described the effect on a child of having parents who nurture or ignore a Childs emotions and their expression of them. My parents stole my emotions, to comfort themselves and keep up pretences. The more I realise this, the more that I understand the complex nature of what I have had to work through to be better and healthier emotionally, for myself and others.

    Back to digging deep, I have days when I can sense that I feel unsettled, out of kilter- mainly also because I have an experience of days in which I feel calm, content and happy too – I can sense that there is ‘something’ and nagging feeling – and I can make a choice as to what I do with it, and I know there are days when I dont want to. I know there are days when I become afraid of what I might be feeling or wanting what is behind it to reveal itself.

    I am never upset for the reason I think

    Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (Taken from A course in Miracles)

    The temptation , because of learned behaviour, would be for me to avoid whatever it is. It’s more than likely to be be painful. At least that what ‘that voice’ says in my head. Those days then become a bubbling pot of anxiety and forgetting to breathe. They do more damage in, than out.

    I wonder if the problem isn’t the feeling or the emotion itself, but our relationship to it, and the means in which we have to express these healthily.

    So the labels of ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings aren’t helpful, they are what they are – feelings.

    They happen, and it is better to notice them, feel them and find ways of giving them healthy air.

    If you’re anything like me then you may have felt unsafe expressing your feelings or found a way to talk your way out of them, suppress, deny and invalidate.

    So it makes it more of a challenge to do this when feelings get associated with judgement like good or bad. Ironically – a ‘bad’ feeling about something.. might be a good natural early warning sign – that you can choose to ignore or do something about – it’s a protective good thing, potentially.

    I was wondering whether there might be a better way of ‘collectivising’ feelings and emotions- could they be like tools in a shed, or toolbox – different feelings appropriate and used in different ways – but this metaphor almost give the impression that when we see a need we can choose the right tool, but feelings can be more intuitive and instinctive than this, its not a matter of picking the right feeling for the occasion, its that those feelings accompany the occasion or situation, and its important to adopt a healthy relationship with the feeling.

    How do you respond when you can sense the feeling? Does a critical voice tell you off for being joyful at something you felt joy happening? or a voice tell you that you’re not supposed to feel a certain way? Because, you are allowed to. It’s totally natural. Totally. But that voice suggests that it’s not valid, not to be trusted. A feeling, is just that a feeling, and whilst it’s not to be fully trusted every time, it’s equally not to be dismissed or ignored either – or invalidated. It is neither bad, nor good, it is what it is.

    Those feelings aren’t bad, but need appropriate attention and releasing, space and warmth to accept them, to become friends with, to feel them as they are, in all the human messiness and complexity. There is no shame in feeling, there are no bad feelings.

    But, there are pretty awful things that we can do, because of giving into anger, fear or grief, and thats something different altogether.

  • Practicing Safe Sensitivity.

    Google ‘Sensitive’ and what do you find?

    (especially in the images).

    I love both Elaine Arun and Hannah Jane Walkers books on Sensitivity – but – in the main who are their key audiences and examples?

    Hannahs book is wonderful by the way, yet in the main the conversation about sensitivity centres around herself, her sisters and her mother in the first few chapters, about how women nature sensitivity in other women. It is beautiful, their stories and very heartful. Actually I would go as far as reading this book was an awakening spiritual experience for me, self love in a self help book.

    Sensitivity barely features in a search of TED talk titles. (but Introvert does)

    Sensitive and male as a search on You Tube highlights a type of sensitivity and not necessarily of the emotional sort.

    So:

    Whilst it’s said that 15-20% of everyone would be considered sensitive, or highly sensitive. There isn’t much of a conversation about sensitivity and being male. I wouldn’t expect it given the author and her experiences.

    There’s a lack of ‘ways’ in for Men to access this topic.

    So let’s continue to have it.

    What’s it like growing up male and sensitive with a male parent who either dismiss, ignore or reject their own, and thus your sensitivity?

    What’s it like growing up male and sensitive and having a female parent who similarly either dismiss, ignore or reject their own sensitivity, and thus your own?

    What’s it’s like having your own emotions stolen as a boy to feed other peoples emotional needs?

    What glimpses are there that you were a sensitive boy, and what happened when you expressed these? or… what steps did you take to hide them, or pretend that you were otherwise.

    What has been the effect on you by hiding this part of you?

    I laugh now. I got into a ‘fight’ once. It was my last day of primary school , aged 11, and it was one of those glorious warm hot June days where we could play football on the ‘rec’ (recreation ground) instead of the concrete of the enclosed school playground. I won’t name the other person, but they had been a friend for a while, and lived not far from me.

    I was playing ‘in goal’ and this person was deciding to stand on the goal line, I dont remember if he was even playing the match, maybe he wasn’t and was being annoying, I remember not.

    I had heard enough messages about ‘toughening up’ , about standing up for myself. This was my chance, so I thought, to prove myself. T prove to myself that I wasn’t as weak, timid or shy anymore.

    I don’t remember how the incident continued, my feeble attempt to be ‘brave’ probably involved pushing him out of the way, did I raise my fists? I don’t remember, though I remember getting one back. I think I ended primary school with either a black eye or bloody nose, and only the realisation that trying to physically injure anyone felt so weirdly disconnected, my arms/body didn’t work like that, and I felt pretty rubbish about it.

    Trying to prove to myself that I was tough, not weak and not going to let someone else annoy me. Step 1 – ends in embarrassment… oh and the temporary loss of friendship. A year later we spoke again and we’re friends again.

    I guess it’s a glimpse for me. Of how trying to be tough has felt uncomfortable. And also of the damage of hiding sensitivity.

    It was the 1980’s, I get it. There wasnt talk of emotional health and wellbeing in schools at that time, or anywhere else.

    Described as perceptive and contentious by my teachers – a key indication of sensitivity – neither of these things were valued or nurtured.

    So, im just wondering, where does sensitivity play a part in our daily lives – yet we wouldn’t use ‘the S’ word to describe it

    Because as Ted Zeff describes below, the men who recognised and realised their sensitivity could share how it was positive for them in their workplaces, relationships and social lives. (there are other vids on YT on this subject, do give them a watch)

    But he also describes how a more ‘Western Culture’ , UK to a lesser extent and North American more so, there are cultural challenges in admitting being sensitive.

    If the ‘S’ word is a big ‘no-no’ what gets used instead?

    ‘Social Skills’

    ‘Adaptability and flexibility’

    ‘Good with change’

    ‘Receptive to client needs’

    ‘Hard working’

    ‘Team Player’

    Someone who might be good with people, good with animals – might be highly sensitive, as might someone who has deep friendships and is upset if these are rocky. But someone who has friends is valued – even if their sensitivity to emotional needs might not be.

    We might not like the ‘S’ word – but the outward traits of the person, the man with sensitivity is valued…. some of the time.

    Did you notice what I noticed at the beginning of that video above?

    That there’s research that suggests that up until the age of 5 boys are more sensitive and aware than girls, yet by the age of 5 most of these emotions have been diminished in a boy, except for anger, the only emotion a man is socially permitted to express.

    Where does that even leave that boy who is told off for expressing anger? or in a culture (a christian one) where anger is deemed sinful? (and I realise this is not just men) but saying. Where does a boy go to hide so that they can be safely sensitive?

    Did you have a space for this?

    It’s not that as a boy I wasn’t sensitive, I just had to hide it, especially where it wasn’t safe. On other occasions, my sensitivity enabled me to be safe in an emotionally abusive home, as I could tend to the emotional needs of others.

    Like so many things in our emotional make up, and the reality of the trauma many of us have faced, acceptance leads to growth, denial hides protects and is afraid. There’s everything courageous about accepting sensitivity.

    Unsure if you’re sensitive? Do have a read of this

    Do share your experiences below in the comments, id love to hear. If you have a resource on this and want to share it with others do link it below too. If youd like to support me in my writing, you can do so here, Thank you for reading.

  • Sensitivity : An Inconvenient Truth?

    The more I have reflected on Sensitivity, the more I realise how inconvenient it seems to be.

    For a start.

    Admitting being a sensitive person yourself… feels inconvenient.

    There can be ‘easier’ more ‘recognised’ more realisations that encourage greater sympathy than sensitivity.

    Some are more diagnosed, they appear, for an example as a protected characteristic of the Equality Act (2010) – and dont get me wrong, this isn’t characteristic olympics. It’s not the point im making. Maybe this is ‘insensitive’.

    Thats interesting.

    Me trying to ‘make a point’ thats probably not quite as well articulated as it should be I might recognise as ‘insensitive’ . So.. what might be sensitivity?

    Sensitivity might be akin to ‘making an appropriate response’

    Sensitivity might be about realising who might be affected by a situation and responding appropriately.

    Sensitivity, therefore, is totally Inconvenient.

    Sensitivity asks questions, suggests slower actions.

    Sensitivity feels.

    Sensitivity asks – ‘who isn’t being heard?’

    Sensitivity builds relationships, and cooperation.

    Sensitivity values depth and quality.

    Sensitivity is empathy

    Sensitivity..pays attention.. a lot.

    Sensitivity cares.

    It’s Inconvenient in a culture in which outcomes, numbers, ‘success’ and efficiency are default dynamics.

    Sensitive to emotions and lives, not to system protection.

    It’s the youth workers, sensitive to the young people of Rotherham, whose voice was deemed ‘over reacting’ , and years later the report highlighted that the system didn’t listen. Were the Youth workers too sensitive? Easily dismissed? Inconvenient?

    Sensitive people are inconvenient aren’t they.

    Inconvenient, because they dont fit.

    Many of the systems we live in look at the natural responses of the Highly Sensitive Person…. and rebuke them

    Hanna Jane Walker (2023)

    Maybe the System needs to change.

    Because if there were no sensitive people – the system would have imploded by now, already.

    When the system tightens, when it gets harsher. The Sensitive person is going to feel it first.

    The Canary in the Mine.

    Yet, What’s strange is that when a micro system like a school develops healthier emotional responses, prioritising the practice of emotions of health, empathy, listening, cooperation and holding emotional reactions.. it benefits the pupils towards better ‘results’ and creates better community and environment (Lisa Cherry, 2021, Conversations that make a difference with Children and Young People).. its not about ticking a box to say ‘trauma informed’ – but humane.

    Its no wonder that those who have sensitivity, human values in caring profession leave by the droves, when the ‘system doesn’t benefit those of whom it is meant to, and in a way that should do’.

    How inconvenient.

    Yet, Ultimately usually, everyone benefits. (except the non humans, the spreadsheets and newspapers)

    It’s Inconvenient for the farmers to recognise that their soil quality is getting worse, being sensitive to the changes, and having to adapt. (James Rebanks, The English Pastoral)

    It’s Inconvenient to be sensitive to the needs of the planet – and not the continual consumption of it. It’s inconvenient to adhere to warnings about flood plains and deforestation – and not have buildings that get flooded or be prone to landslides.

    And yet.

    Let’s make this personal again.

    Sensitivity is inconvenient yes because it is counter system cultural

    But its also counter ‘Emotional expectation cultural’

    It’s a trait that many try to hide.

    More than that, a gift.

    When the one person stands up against the system, for the benefit of humanity, it’s not that others dont agree with them, it’s that they dont want to be seen to agree with them. To admit being sensitive, caring and humane.

    If you have ever watched the film ‘The Last Bus’ there is a moment ion it when the lead character stands up against a man who is racially bullying an asian woman, he is sensitive to her plight, yet the bully expects the crowded bus to be on his side because there is silence. The opposite is actually the truth. The bully is escorted off with loud cheers, yet the old man was as equally acting alone. Those who bully might expect that silence is for them, when actually it might not be, this might also be the case in the boardroom.

    Inconvenient for ourselves.. back to being personal.

    In addition …

    Not always being heard

    Struggling with boundaries.. and

    Being easily overwhelmed.

    Im not going to go into detail into these things here. But if you identify as sensitive, or recognise that this might be you, but dont want to admit it, then that inconvenience of being sensitive is actually just part of you, part of you being who you are.

    However challenging, it is how you are wired. It can be highly frustrating, highly draining, and to have to manage ourselves in a world that often doesn’t fit. It feels inconvenient even to be wired in this way. Inconvenient to have to be thinking, taking in information , processing, working things , feelings, body language.

    The temptation with something inconvenient, something unsettling, something that feels raw, is to toughen up, deny or pretend it isnt there. It takes someone else courage to believe the voice that speaks from sensitivity, It takes courage to be paying super attention and speak up. it’s inconvenient all around, but more often more humane for everyone.

    Sensitivity ; An Inconvenient Truth?

    References

    Sensitivity by HAnnah Jane Walker (2023)

    The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Arun (2001)

    Conversations that make a difference with Children and Young People by Lisa Cherry (2021)

  • Male Sensitivity : Part 1 (Realising my own)

    Toughen up

    You need to stand up for yourself

    Wimp

    You’re being sensitive

    Softy

    Pussyfoot

    And the ultimate..

    Stop being so Gay. 

    All words Ive heard in my life, some at school, some in places that were meant to be ‘home’. 

    What did all of these words and names mean?  What did they do? What did they communicate as to what is valued. 

    Especially for me, a Man, A boy, A teenager. 

    What about the following: 

    ‘You need to have a ‘thick skin’ to work here. Or to be a ____________ nowadays.

    And ‘that’ profession, it seems strange to say this about a profession that on the face of it should care about people, clergy, teaching, nursing, social work.. 

    What is being valued here?  What does this say about our society? 

    Who is this all in favour of? What is being left out? 

    Shall I be honest with you?

    Ive struggled to write this piece.

    Yet, as you know, ive been able to, or found it ‘easy to’ write about other aspects of my self realisation and awareness journey in the last few years. Including Abuse. Ive come back to the subject of sensitivity in the last month or so. Rereading Elaine Aruns book that I read for the first time 3 years ago, rereading it 3 weeks ago was like new pings going off all over the place, new pieces of my personal jigsaw making more sense, more realisation of how my childhood, schooling and subsequent has been affected by not being able to have my sensitivity valued, though not being able to know or communicate this. 

    Its as if I fear that admitting being sensitive is weak. 

    Its as if I then put myself in the ‘snowflake’ ‘woke’ or ‘wooly liberal’ category. 

    Its as if I then be vulnerable. 

    But what if? 

    I am Sensitive. 

    I am Male, and I am Sensitive.

    And it’s been a strength that ive had to hide. But it’s been there, I can tell.

    And I always have been. It was what to need to be to survive. And not just me.

    It wouldn’t have mattered to retort ‘ no im not gay, im just sensitive’ wouldn’t have helped in the playground. Standing up for bullies hasn’t been about punching my way back, but reporting to the right people. (And then I got bullied for being a ‘tell tale’… honestly.. what is the right thing?) 

    As I read the book ‘The Highly sensitive person’ by Elaine Arun and ‘Sensitive’ (2023) by Hannah Jane Walker, who writes from current research into sensitivity, and in conversation with researchers and psychologists and those in economics and business too, and an interview with Elaine Arun herself, my head is full of further questions and realisations, questions that might be for the future, and so this might be an introduction to ‘Sensitivity’ and specially being a Sensitive Man. 

    Would you like to hear more on this? 

    What insights do you have if you are male and think you might be sensitive?

    Has this been something you have struggled to admit? 

    Could you trust it if you discovered it?  Can I? 

    ‘What if the real story of sensitivity is one of profound vulnerability and resilience, care and empathy, Sensitivity is much more every day, much more mythic than we think. Sensitivity is fundamental to who we are, and I think fundamental to where we go next ‘

    Hannah Jane Walker; Sensitive (2023)

    Maybe it’s time to be proud of being sensitive. Maybe it is for me, maybe it is for you. Time be courageous and dig deep into this strength thats been hiding behind masks and expectations.

    What did it feel like to you to listen to your sensitivity, pay attention to that soft voice inside, and care, cooperate and listen, rather than seek to compete, dominate and rule?  Is ‘hardness’ a required mask?

    Male Sensitivity… let’s talk about it. What does this mean to you?

    Has being sensitive been a gift or a challenge for you?

    Are you in a job, a community or relationship which values sensitivity?

    Do share below, and let’s talk about it.

    References;

    The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Arun (1999)

    Sensitive – Hannah Jane Walker (2023)

    If you’d like to hear more on this, my recent video shared some of the indicators of sensitivity. Do give it a watch.