James Ballantyne

Tag: society

  • Choosing a Life Beyond the News Cycle

    I was raised to believe that it was important to watch the news and stay informed.

    When my friends were watching the Simpsons, or fresh prince, or some other thing when they ate their tea in front of the TV.

    My childhood was spent watching…

    Blue Peter from 5.15pm or Crackerjack (and I was terrified of the gunge machine, I still dont know why , but I was)

    Neighbours from 5.35, or whatever the BBC used to fill that space before then, then because 6pm was always the time the ‘food’ was served, it was BBC news time.

    Nicolas Witchell, Angela Rippon, whoever it was, presenting.

    The 6pm news.

    From an early age, (im only 46) first memories include the Brighton Bombing, Mid nineties Thatcher, Poll tax riots, IRA bombings, conflict in Isreal, and then probably the event that captured my news attention and kept it for the next 30 odd years. The Gulf war of 1990.

    Then I started to do paper rounds, and I became the delivered of the news to people, and I got paid for it, and I read it. Slowly moving my attention from the back pages (sport, interesting) to the front (politics boring..then interesting..addictive)

    It was as if it was drummed into me that staying informed was important. Because this is what the routine was. 6pm news time. Bedtime as I grew older was ‘after the 9pm, or 10pm news’ The News dictated life events.

    The more we follow the news, the better informed we are and the healthier our democracy. This is still the story many parents tell their kids, but scientists are now reaching very different conclusions. The news, according to dozens of studies, is a mental health hazard’

    Rutger Bregman, Humankind, 2020

    Yet that ingrained societal view is still there.

    And I have no doubt that right now the media is useful, but until it gets a backbone, it’s merely a publishing arm of the political leader and their drama that is feeding it. And media loves attention as media loves drama. The spiral creates clicks. It’s not news when people do their jobs properly, it just doesn’t sell.

    The problem is that we’re in danger of forgetting the truth, and cultivating a life around the lies and responding to them. I can honestly say that BBC news 24 was on repeat hour by hour most nights for me, for about 10 years, in those days I would watch ‘ the news, sport and weather’ to switch off. Yet it was doing nothing of the sort.

    It was creating pathways in my brain of how I was seeing the world, negativity, conflict, competition, hate and lies, shouted by the loudest, ‘them’ and ‘us’, ‘othering’ – blame put on young people, poor people, everything a war, or crisis. Then the were the conversations about the news, so Question Time, or ‘This week’ or satire to soothe the news.’ HIGNFY’ or Mock the week’ – what a spiral!

    One of the things I noticed, when I furnished my new flat in 2019, and for the last 6 years, is that I dont have a TV.

    I proudly could say also that I didnt let a single spoken word of Boris Johnson or even in his first and now second stint as toddler in chief (TIC) of the USA, DT, enter the airwaves of that space, or my new one. I dont listen to the Radio either (and I used to have radio 5 on all of the time too).

    I would have thought that I was a kind of loony hippy by doing this, I get strange looks now ‘ what you dont have a TV?’ I also then get the ‘I bet you watch Netflix though, or something else.’ Nope, (You tube yes) its as if TV is meat eating and im now in some kind of weird ‘free from ‘ media diet. Maybe thats it. Maybe, by not having the news on, the radio on, and trying desperately to not a have a social media feed thats sharing responses, reactions, the consequences and the fears of TIC.

    Maybe thats it. Call me an idealist, Call me a dreamer, call me lost in a cloud of unreality. But news, drama, and TV is a choice. It might not feel like it, but it is. And powerful people are forcing its power on us all, and more often than not it’s making us sick.

    We are not rational enough to be exposed to the press

    (Nassim Taleb)

    Free from.

    Because yes there are horrible, nasty, challenging things in the world. There truly are, there truly will be, and the most awful are barely on the news. There are real things that require effort and time. Its no surprise that the increase hours of tv watching as culminating in societal loneliness, reduced volunteering and reduced community spirit (Bowling Alone, 1996). Social prescribing might not have been a required thing, but it is. There’s a need for doctors to encourage social being-ness. Lost connections increase depression (Johann Hari)

    Mental health charities might suggest a social media switch off. But that lets the deemed mainstream off scot free. It’s all of it.

    Note your feelings as you watch or consume it. Then how you react to others or what you need after it. If you’re not ok, then you’re not ok, and the news isnt there to make you feel good, it’s not its job, even if that lie of ‘being informed’ has been drummed into you.

    Mark yourself free from the news for a day, or two, or a week. See what that feels like. Because if you can do it, you might notice something.

    If it seems radical to switch off the news, then something is clearly wrong with society, and our view of what’s important. And trust me, its hard work to keep up, when its become a trauma bond of voyeristic proportions.

    It might sound like I am weak to not be able to ‘cope with the news’ as it’s a ‘little bit triggering’ , or im too sensitive. It not that at all. I have made choices to say no to the powerful forces of the media in certain forms, and go against the default flow of the news narrative. I think that makes me powerful.

    Free from. It’s not just the physical diet, or the spiritual one, it’s the media too. Boundaries are for all of these things, and in order for us to remember our own strength, power and immensity, ‘No’ when it comes to the media, is a stance.

    ‘They dont write the truth about us, so why should I believe what they say about them’ (Pride, the movie)

    Switching off, virtually completely was what I had to do, some of that was enforced, some of that was genuinely because I started ‘project James’ and began looking inwards, with therapy 6 years ago, and I realised that I just didnt have the energy, or even desire to listen, watch or engage anymore. It wasnt as important as me.

    And the news isnt as important as you either. It’s not real, and its lies only exist because enough people believe in them.

    And 6 years down the road, Im still a non TV news evangelist.

  • Male Sensitivity : Part 1 (Realising my own)

    Toughen up

    You need to stand up for yourself

    Wimp

    You’re being sensitive

    Softy

    Pussyfoot

    And the ultimate..

    Stop being so Gay. 

    All words Ive heard in my life, some at school, some in places that were meant to be ‘home’. 

    What did all of these words and names mean?  What did they do? What did they communicate as to what is valued. 

    Especially for me, a Man, A boy, A teenager. 

    What about the following: 

    ‘You need to have a ‘thick skin’ to work here. Or to be a ____________ nowadays.

    And ‘that’ profession, it seems strange to say this about a profession that on the face of it should care about people, clergy, teaching, nursing, social work.. 

    What is being valued here?  What does this say about our society? 

    Who is this all in favour of? What is being left out? 

    Shall I be honest with you?

    Ive struggled to write this piece.

    Yet, as you know, ive been able to, or found it ‘easy to’ write about other aspects of my self realisation and awareness journey in the last few years. Including Abuse. Ive come back to the subject of sensitivity in the last month or so. Rereading Elaine Aruns book that I read for the first time 3 years ago, rereading it 3 weeks ago was like new pings going off all over the place, new pieces of my personal jigsaw making more sense, more realisation of how my childhood, schooling and subsequent has been affected by not being able to have my sensitivity valued, though not being able to know or communicate this. 

    Its as if I fear that admitting being sensitive is weak. 

    Its as if I then put myself in the ‘snowflake’ ‘woke’ or ‘wooly liberal’ category. 

    Its as if I then be vulnerable. 

    But what if? 

    I am Sensitive. 

    I am Male, and I am Sensitive.

    And it’s been a strength that ive had to hide. But it’s been there, I can tell.

    And I always have been. It was what to need to be to survive. And not just me.

    It wouldn’t have mattered to retort ‘ no im not gay, im just sensitive’ wouldn’t have helped in the playground. Standing up for bullies hasn’t been about punching my way back, but reporting to the right people. (And then I got bullied for being a ‘tell tale’… honestly.. what is the right thing?) 

    As I read the book ‘The Highly sensitive person’ by Elaine Arun and ‘Sensitive’ (2023) by Hannah Jane Walker, who writes from current research into sensitivity, and in conversation with researchers and psychologists and those in economics and business too, and an interview with Elaine Arun herself, my head is full of further questions and realisations, questions that might be for the future, and so this might be an introduction to ‘Sensitivity’ and specially being a Sensitive Man. 

    Would you like to hear more on this? 

    What insights do you have if you are male and think you might be sensitive?

    Has this been something you have struggled to admit? 

    Could you trust it if you discovered it?  Can I? 

    ‘What if the real story of sensitivity is one of profound vulnerability and resilience, care and empathy, Sensitivity is much more every day, much more mythic than we think. Sensitivity is fundamental to who we are, and I think fundamental to where we go next ‘

    Hannah Jane Walker; Sensitive (2023)

    Maybe it’s time to be proud of being sensitive. Maybe it is for me, maybe it is for you. Time be courageous and dig deep into this strength thats been hiding behind masks and expectations.

    What did it feel like to you to listen to your sensitivity, pay attention to that soft voice inside, and care, cooperate and listen, rather than seek to compete, dominate and rule?  Is ‘hardness’ a required mask?

    Male Sensitivity… let’s talk about it. What does this mean to you?

    Has being sensitive been a gift or a challenge for you?

    Are you in a job, a community or relationship which values sensitivity?

    Do share below, and let’s talk about it.

    References;

    The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Arun (1999)

    Sensitive – Hannah Jane Walker (2023)

    If you’d like to hear more on this, my recent video shared some of the indicators of sensitivity. Do give it a watch.

  • Abusive Mothers: Some Children do ‘ave them

    (More than as as society we would want to admit)

    Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.

    Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)

    Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.

    Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.

    When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.

    Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.

    On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.

    Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…

    Some of those myths I wrote about in this post.

    Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.

    So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.

    Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.

    What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.

    The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.

    Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.

    It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.

    In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.

    In this piece, the author describes the signs that you have an abusive mother.

    They include:

    • Constant criticism
    • Eratic responses
    • Shame and guilt to manipulate
    • Being blamed for her situation
    • The silent treatment
    • Its your job to keep her happy (or ‘the peace’)
    • Nothing you do is good enough for her
    • You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
    • No Privacy
    • Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
    • Wont allow you to be yourself

    Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.

    Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.

    I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.

    Gaslighting

    Walking on Eggshells

    Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch

    Having no empathy

    Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship

    Blaming others.

    Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.

    Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.

    If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.

    The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.

    Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.