What do I see myself as, A Victim or a Survivor?
If I go back 4 years;
I couldn’t be a victim, unless I realised that I was badly treated.
So I was in denial
I couldn’t realise the extent of what had happened to me, until I started to say that I was a victim of abuse.
Because , until then, I was holding onto the responsibility of actions someone else had done to me.
I was protecting them and fearing them, holding it all in, running from dealing with it.
Thinking that what happened to me, was what I deserved.
I was responsible. I was full of shame.
Thats what emotional abuse is. The ongoing belief that I was responsible, guilty for actions other people had done to me.
It was my responsibility to soothe them and do what they wanted, or I would be punished.
But I didn’t know it. I lived in a daze of slavery.
Compliant and Passive. Loyal and Dead on the inside, and outside.
It was only when I realised that I was more than ok, that I realised I was being treated badly. It was only when I realised this, that I could stand up for myself, and pass that responsibility onto those whose it was to take.
In fact on more than one occasion one of the accusations levelled at me, shouted drunk, by my abuser was ‘Dont you starting thinking of yourself as the victim’ …. So… I was projected and abused into not being able to see that I was being abused.
I had to realise that those who had played victim – so that I took responsibility for their feelings, weren’t actually the real victim.
Not that I am utterly blameless, this isn’t the point.
In understanding what had happened to me, and the safe space to do it – was the moment that I realised, gradually and slowly that I had been a victim of domestic abuse.
I started to see the patterns, I started to read the books, I started to assess how I was being treated, used and lied to.
So I was a victim.
But I didnt know it.
And I was reluctant to own it. I didnt want to be known as a victim. Even if I did start to realise what had happened to me.
And yet at the same time, almost at exactly the same time, because I didnt realise that I had been a victim of this for 40 years, and I was in a safe place from virtually the time I realised. I considered myself a survivor too.
I was a victim, it was the past tense. At that moment. It had happened.
In the current moment of knowing, and acknowledging the past pain – the present moment I could say that I wasn’t currently a victim either. It had happened.
Why would I want to keep playing the victim card? Thats what I’ve seen all my life- to abuse me. Why would I want to abuse myself in the same way – or bring out that same needy ‘poor me’ personality. No – why would I do that? I write my story for awareness. I know my story isnt unique. Well not quite at times. I dont want to dwell in a victim mindset.
But it was important for me to realise that I had been a victim. That I had been treated, or allowed myself to be treated badly, from a deep core of trauma, shame, codependency and people pleasing – and hiding all this, and it not being safe to deal with it.
So.. I was a victim. But I wasnt too. ,
Would I say I was a survivor? Is that appropriate?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Have I survived? Currently yes – though some weeks, this week especially has been pretty dark. Surviving is what I had to do, throughout the time of the abuse. My internal voice that constantly said ‘I am going to get through this’..
I dont like the thought that I am still surviving. Though I did survive. Many others dont. So I am grateful, eternally grateful to be here and alive. I wasnt close to jumping off the cliffs of Roker , when my therapist asked about my mental health. I was determined to grow, to dig deep and wrestle with myself and what I needed to do, for myself. I knew I was ok. I was probably more than that. But I had also survived the worst of it.
In the present moment; I did survive. I wasnt a victim.
Affected by decades of emotional and psychological abuse. Yes.
Realising and attending to myself in the process of loving myself to be me. Yes
Choosing the slow road, the self-kind road and trying to listen to my inner childhood voice. Yes
It feels like a choice I make every day. A powerful choice to regard myself highly.
Am I a survivor – yes then. But what would I rather be?
I would rather be me.
I would rather not be defined by what someone else did to me.
I would rather not have them centred in my story.
I am me – I am James – I am who I am.
I am living and alive, love and loved, present and the future.
I dont want to be a victim, I dont want their curse to stay on me.
I am rebuilding , I am becoming a truer version of me
I just am me.
Just like you are you.
This piece was inspired by Dr Glenns one – do read it here in it he says:
In my experience as a trauma therapist, that’s just now how trauma recovery unfolds in the real world.
In the real world, we ONLY recover WHEN we take responsibility for our happiness and stability— and part of taking REALISTIC responsibility means acknowledging our pain.
It is not reality to pretend we are responsible for our post traumatic pain.
It is not reality to “accept responsibility” for injuries that resulted from other peoples’ decisions and behavior.
It is not reality to deny the fact that we are in pain, and there are layers to our pain that we do not control and can not reliably affect.
It IS reality to see what we see and know what we know about our past and our present functioning— that there were aspects of our past that were painful and terrifying, and there are aspects of our current functioning that aren’t great as a result.
None of that is “victim mindset.” It is reality mindset.”
Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle
James Ballantyne 