Hello darkness, my old friend.
I wrote in the first line of my journal this morning, as if I was channelling the ghost of Simon and Garfunkel and trying desperately not to rewrite the song as the outpouring of what I was feeling. I wanted a unique feeling. Not some old crooners giving it some and im just the same as them.
Because, the darkness monster appeared to me as I lay under the duvet just seconds after I clicked the snooze button.
It hadn’t appeared for a while. Actually I thought, that it may have gone forever. But.
No.
It appeared.
Inviting me into itself as a companion of negativity.
Wanting to envelop me again.
And before you say it, today is not a ‘back to work’ monday morning.
Today is actually the first of three days off when I want to do some writing and crack on with the book im in the middle of.
For ten minutes I let it speak to me.
It wanted to remind me of my smallness
It wanted to remind me of my shame
It wanted to remind me of how I haven’t actually written ‘the book yet’ – failings..
It wanted to remind me that it would be easier to not bother and avoid the disappointment
It wanted to remind me that there were easier ways to spend my day
It wanted to tell me that it was protecting me
It wanted to still be important…
It wasnt lying to me, not quite, it was giving me an easier way out….
Appearing as a monster. And I felt small.
I shaved, showered and put on clean clothes, as a defiant act of self care, and feeling my body, and in the moments of waiting for the kettle to boil for coffee, I wrote and wrote, using black pen for the darkness and pink for me. Pink for my soft heart that wasnt angry, wasnt frustrated by the return….. but wanted to hear even more.
I asked my darkness what it wanted, and what it was scared of
I asked it for its message, and what it was alerting me to
I asked it to tell me the truth.
And I realised that the visit this morning was brought about by a number of things, that started yesterday, when I struggled to write, and gave myself into ‘just having a lazy day watching you tube and sport’ until I got to the evening, where I read a bit and chatted to my partner.
Because although I find that the mornings have been a time for me where my darkness friend arrives often, it has mostly only been in the last five or six years when I have been open, safe, and able to feel it. Before this time I had underlying depression that was just constant and masked, as I hid everything away behind a stony mask of survival. Depression was in effect a constant.
And then I watched a bit of a documentary over breakfast. And walked into town.
And as I walked I realised that maybe, maybe we still dont talk about depression anything like as much as we talk about anxiety. Or maybe we do and I just dont read, or hear about it.
And if we do talk about depression it’s rare theres a conversation about how masking it makes it worse, and how for so long it can be hidden.
Last week was international suicide prevention day, and that is one easy way out from all the pressure, or all the voices of being scared, unsafe, fear and living a life masking it all, trying to stay strong, trying to be strong for others, with often no support. This is not just a men issue, but it mostly is, and no job, vocation or career is immune from it. Depression is everywhere.
In Johan Hari’s book ‘Lost connection’ he writes about the seven things that he realised that we have lost connection with, that all increase depression. I realised I had two of them all my life without realising it. (writing about them here ‘shining a light on my depression’)
They are
Lost connection with Meaningful values – Junk food for the soul is what Hari regards the rising of the media and cheap capitalist values.
Childhood Trauma – if that pain feels too large to deal with, then it’s haunting.
Nature – too much screen time is making us sick….the trees heal, touch them.
Purposeful work – as everything is standardised, AI is a threat…
Dreams and future – survival mode is a present reality that makes the future seem impossible, time is compressed
Status and respect – Understanding who we truly are, and respect for ourselves and others…
Each other/Community – For some there is more connection and yet more isolation within technological spaces, yet depth of community and conversations can often be lost….(im writing this in a coffee shop and its lovely watching people have in-depth conversations with each other)
I summarise all of them, and writing them from memory. I could add a number of things to them, and in a way connection is another word for reverence, to have connections with these things is to pay reverence to them, to realise their importance and dig deep into the relevance and intention to work on them – all very difficult when the darkness monster wants to remind us of being small, alone and afraid. (and the anxiety friend helps out with these too…too often)
I didnt wake up this morning, or even want to spend any time writing about depression or me or trauma or recovery or healing today, in fact im almost trying not to.
Yet I have a life of survival and a life of masking depression and anxiety, and I didnt give in to the easy option of ending life when I was 9, or 34, 39 or 44, when I was close to, and just felt this was important today. To own it, write about it.
The real.
So here I am, and it’s whats burning to come out today. Writing through the feelings, writing through the process, writing vulnerability into being.
Hello darkness my old friend.
Friend. Thank you.
And then I reminded myself, that I am.
I am not the small thoughts
or the fears….and there is a gift in the voice
a seed of truth.
To remind myself.
Of my gifts, my hope
and the world opening up and waiting for me.
Yeah ive now gone full circle, from Simon and Garfunkel to The Greatest Showman.
I dont think we talk about depression enough.
I dont think its as easy as ‘just talk to someone’
It’s clinging on to something where the rock bottom hits.
Its not just a you issue, there are wider factors, there always is…
It’s a you issue for you though and you, and I are more important than to give in to it all.
Darkness is a friend. (as is anxiety)
Not monsters. Friends.
Trying to not feel them, or always feeling them…..reveals there is something wrong.
And whilst you’re alive there is a way out, change is always possible.
The battle between thoughts and feelings, good and bad voices, demons and angels was a lie, a lie to create shame and fear and dependence.
Oh and yes sometimes I would love to not feel all these things, and sometimes they feel yucky and raw and debilitating and yet, the alternative of not feeling, was not living. I cannot go back, and I dont want to. Life is journey paved with love, even if the darkness friends sometimes want to pop in and have a conversation, through tears they are met with love, and sometimes we’ll walk together. Me and my darkness and anxious friends.
James Ballantyne 