James Ballantyne

Tag: True-Self

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy

  • Learning the power of ‘No’

    Learning the power of ‘No’

    One of the earliest and hardest decisions I had to make, aged 19, was to say ‘No’ to someone.

    Its not surprising though because often in Christian ministry/youthwork No can be one of the hardest words to say.

    No, actually you are not suitable for this ministry

    No, I dont think this job is for you

    No, you have not really fulfilled what was expected of you in your probation

    No, I actually dont have the time to do this

    No, my time is more important

    No.

    No. (might just be a complete sentence)

    No, and without an excuse.

    No is difficult when you are used to saying Yes.

    No is difficult when the desire to people please is strong.

    No is difficult when you are scared of the person asking.

    No is difficult when ‘we have to think the best of people’ .

    No is difficult when ‘if no one else is going to do it ill have to’

    No is difficult because it asks us to go against the yes.

    No is difficult because its harder work, isnt it

    No is difficult because it means being brave.

    No is difficult because it often means standing up for something

    No is difficult when compliance is rewarded.

    No means not being nice:

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/

    When NO, This cannot go on

    When NO, I am going to take responsibility

    When NO, This is hard, but its what I believe in.

    When NO, trusts our gut, instinct, passion, it says YES to ourselves. Our real selves.

    I have found that I’m often relieved after I say no.

    I didn’t make a no decision that had that much significance to me, it had more significance to someone else.

    A yes now, might mean putting off a no that someone else has to make.

    But other times I have said yes, to survive. Other times I have said yes and denied the feelings inside that were screaming for attention. In survival mode. Pretend mode. Scared mode.

    No means boundaries.

    No means I am worthy and my time is valuable.

    Saying no to others, means saying yes to ourselves.

    What does ‘Yes’ to myself look like?

    It looks like self care. Valuing my time.

    It looks like working on myself.

    It looks like listening to myself.

    It looks like stopping. Pausing. Realising I couldn’t go on, going on.

    It meant signing up for therapy.

    It meant being true to myself, but first helping me hear myself.

    Yes to myself. No to others.

    Loving myself, like loving my neighbour. Not just the latter.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. (From Tiny Buddha)

    I find it easier to say yes. I know why this is. It makes and has made saying no, when no means trusting and listening to my own feelings so difficult.

    My own healing is helping me to listen, and know that I can trust those feelings, to say no. And its ok to say no.

    Think about it another way, yes when meaning no, is only a lie to myself.

    A healing No, might make a Yes more true and authentic.