James Ballantyne

Tag: vulnerability

  • On being a Man, and ‘Man Enough’ : I quite liked this

    Over the last few weeks, because of a combination of some self-realisations, and also being under the weather with ‘the worst cold in history‘ I have been watching TED talks, and you know me, ive not been attracted to the science, technology or ‘how to make it in business TED talks’ but the ones on emotional health, growth and vulnerability.

    I was in a bit of despair, for at one point all I was finding was women talking about emotions and wondering ‘where are the men?’

    Do men talk about this stuff – or on TED is it men who talk about ‘leadership’ and ‘creativity’ and women who talk emotions, relationships, vulnerability and sex.. almost..

    Then I found the one above, with Justin Baldini…. in which he also asks the question..where are the men? as well as being self reflective about the culture of growing up male, of masculinity, and about pretending. Pretending being an actor, playing roles of men that were nothing like he was as a person.

    I quite liked it. So ive posted it here, so that you might want to have a look too.

    Or so that you know where it is

    Do let me know what you think, what questions does this TED talk raise for you?

    What did you like, what did you not?

    Men, are there Men in your life you talk real to? – are there men in my life?

    Do comment below:

  • On Praise of the Men who

    On Parise of the men who

    are trying to keep it together men,

    The staying strong for others men,

    The ones about to break men,

    The ones whose needs come second, third or fourth,

    The men who dont lash out or damage.

    The men who listen and ask,

    The men who say, sorry and Ill change men,

    The men who create space for others men,

    The men who cheer the women men,

    The men who challenge the expectations men,

    The men who protect their women men,

    Those who continually self reflect and grow men,

    Those who know their frailty men,

    Who are aware of their strength – but dont use it men.

    The step aside for women men

    The calling out bullshit men

    The challenge other men men

    A shout out to the men who aren’t afraid to

    go to therapy men

    The men who

    face their own reality

    The men who do kind

    The men who make the world a better place for others men

    The men who show up

    The men who value integrity

    The men who dont blame others for what they did or didn’t do men

    The men who dont stir up swirling drama

    The silent types often, whose kindness knows no praise

    The men who bring colour and spark and life to the world

    The men whose word and work brings healing, truth and vibrancy

    In praise of the men who stand up for justice – and get attacked for it men

    The men who do vulnerable – for their own good, but cost too

    So, on International Mens Day

    Praise to the men who, give men a good name

    Thank you.

    For being you.

  • Sorry Brene – I got you wrong

    Ive got to admit I didn’t really want to like Brene Brown.

    Her name had been banded around for quite a few years, usually by the phenomenal women that I know…and on the ever shared many internet memes and quotes, there probably isnt a week that goes by when a Brene Brown quotation hasn’t crossed my path in the last few years.

    But I didnt want to delve in to the Brene Brown popular phenomenon.

    So I figured I didnt really need to read her books or listen to her stuff.

    I mean, everyone is doing the self-help guru act and isnt she just like other people – an American female Matt Haig.

    Im sorry to admit… I was maybe a tiny bit American self help prejudice…

    So, dosed up with Lemsip, a laptop, and after a week of self reflection, I took a step of vulnerability and gave her TED talks a watch last weekend.

    Opened myself up to the possibility of what she might be saying… 11 years after it was recorded… (up until last weekend my TED talk watching has included 5 in total I think – yeah I know)

    I was pleasantly surprised.

    Here was someone who spoke the language of academia – not mushy self help

    (Then again would she be on a TED talk otherwise..?)

    Here was someone who was both self effacing, witty and wrestling with herself in the process of the research

    Someone who was warm.

    Someone who spoke and made it possible for me to feel like she was talking to me—- oh hang on James, really?

    Yes..because she was trying to hide herself behind her ego knowledge. Being known for knowing things.

    And that was me.

    The clever one at school – who couldn’t dance….who tried to do sports

    The clever one – who found academia…

    I was probably avoiding Brene Brown…because I kind of knew that I would like her, and like what she was saying, about shame, vulnerability and relationships.

    She ends the second of her two TED talks with a shortened version of this quote:

    What do you think of this quote?

    I love and hate it at the same time. I love and hate it because it asks something

    Its about showing up, with a raw vulnerable self

    In my relationships with my wonderful partner, my fabulous children and also friends and my work colleagues

    Not avoid the arena, to not just be the critic from the side (and isnt so much of media the critic?)

    Its easy to stand from the edges and criticise – but life isnt a non participation sport – not life in its fullness

    Participation in life is a messy action, where feelings are felt – not numbed…

    Daring greatly

    As Brene had done herself – from academic critical thinker, to therapy chair and breakdown (sorry, Spiritual Awakening)

    So I was doing my best to stand on the edge of the arena when Brene Brown is on the stage, and her books are available. Rather be the critique from a distance, than entertain the possibility that id be vulnerable to admit resonating and liking what she might have to say.

    Theres something else too. Its not just about showing up on the arena, in full view.

    Its about showing up to ourselves.

    When the only critic is ourself – often the worse critic of all

    The one critic that we might need to talk to as much as the external critics too. Tell to STFU every now and then.

    So, thank you Brene Brown. Thank you TED for being an incredible resource on You Tube, Thank you 5 days of cold/flu which has given me time to delve into them.

    I got you wrong Brene, and I’m grateful that I found you at the very right time. Vulnerability and Shame might be what the next phases of my life are about. So, thank you.

    Have a look on TED for Brene yourself…I dare you greatly…

  • Confronting Shame No 1 – Don’t be weak Emotionally

    I took a while to do this.

    A very long time in fact, because I had conditioned myself to numb the pain, to survive and also that I had only my own resources to get through things.

    You might imagine, that in having supportive parents you might find there shame in getting to the point where your marriage had broken down – but at least you’d be possibly assured of support afterwards. Imagine having the opposite. Imagine what its like knowing that you’d have to manage their emotions when you’re going through your stuff. So you dont bother.

    So I learned to pretend.

    Imagine being in a faith culture- being in churches, working for churches, being a youth worker, being well known – and also having to hide, numb and pretend that the reality doesnt exist. When you think, that everyone else thinks, that you might be happy and ok – but they dont ask and I avoid being asked.

    It took me a long while to know that doing this for more than 20 years. It took me the same length of time to try and bring to light childhood horrors into the open either.

    Why?

    Why couldn’t I do this?

    Why when ‘Vulnerability’ hit me like a drug in early 2019 it was like a refreshing new thing, but was as if I couldn’t help but tell bits of my story, the real stuff.

    Shame, as Brene Brown says, is the belief that we might not be accepted in loved – if our truth is revealed.

    Talk to me about the things that I was good at – and good at ‘despite’ my parents, and maybe thats the thing, if Brene Brown is right – then shame is “I am Bad’ rather than ‘I do bad things’ – somehow I had been gifted the shame of being responsible for the situation I was in, because of being a child of narcissist parents, it could never be their fault or responsibility…so whose might it be..yup..mine.

    In his book The Courage of Hopelessness, Slavoj Zizek writes in the first few pages about the ethical dilemma of those who smoke cigarettes but can give up, and the moral ethical dilemma of the ‘choice’ of giving up, the freedom to give up, and also the imperative to, going on to say that its only when someone is desperate, on their sick bed, and at the pit of hopelessness do they realise that they have no choice but to, for their own survival, that they do. I am yet to read more of his book, but this in the first few pages stuck. Survival Shame meant, for me, just keeping going, getting through it, same patterns, same torment, same gnawing unhappiness, same abuse, until the desperate me had to ask for help.

    Richard Rohr talks about a vulnerability moment, a breakdown (Falling Upwards)

    Eckhart Tolle describes his own, aged 30 (The power of Now) , as does Brene Brown herself.

    It took hopelessness – to get through the layers of shame.

    I couldn’t see things whilst I was hiding in and amongst it.

    Though I was right about the parents, and at the time so glad I was somewhere actually emotionally safe.

    Back to Brene Brown – in her TED talk I referred to in my previous blog, she talked about the 4 aspects of society that Men have to live up to ‘to be a man’,

    Emotional Control,

    Status,

    Job

    and Violence…

    Well I re watched it again yesterday with Christelle, and realised Brené said something else:

    For Women, Shame is

    Do it all, Do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat

    For Men, Shame is just one thing:

    Do not be perceived as weak

    Brene Brown (TED, 2012)

    In the area of Emotional control, one of the fours aspects above that Men have to live up to – how does being weak in this area bring about shame?

    are you any of these..I might be

    I know I can be ‘open’ like this – but I know I struggle to show emotions and be emotional even with people I feel safe with

    I didnt want to look weak – by going to therapy – and yet im going back for more

    I would prefer to fix than ‘not know’

    I would rather hide and pretend than admit I need help

    Being vulnerable – genuinely vulnerable is a weakness

    No one at work had better know if im struggling – I couldn’t bear it

    People like me, dont talk about struggles – we’re always ‘fine’

    Numb your own pain – those emotions are not as important as other peoples

    In my job I look after other people – I have to stay strong…

    Dont be soft, you’ll get walked over

    What might you add to this list? What might you have said to yourself?

    If Emotional control is one of the expectations – and fear of being weak the main shame for men – what might this look like for you.. what does it look like for me?

    You might ask about whether you need to have an awareness breakdown moment before realising that there is a different way to be about shame and vulnerability – and in truth I do not know the answer, that may be down to your attachment style (healthy) and childhood and all the coping mechanisms – and whether you have places to be emotionally safe. Maybe you dont need to have a breakdown and get to being hopeless to start making the change – maybe you were brought up with good acceptance of your emotions as a boy from family and friends. Only you reading this know.

    It could manifest in the fear of needing to be looked after, or the fear of having to ask for help, or not giving away our emotions, or staying in survival mode, or distract from real feelings mode, or taking medications to numb the pain…

    Vulnerability isnt a weakness – it is part of our every day lives – its risky and scary – it is part of who we are- and that includes us as men too.

    This is possibly part 1 in a series on vulnerability, in which Ill write on the 4 societal aspects described above and share a little about how they have affected me, and possibly other men too.

    If you have a story to share about Shame, and vulnerability – and emotional control – do put it below or email me , and with your permission id love to share.

    Maybe its time to name the weakness, name that it is not weak, to challenge the culture in which this manifests – I deserve better, our boys deserve better, women deserve better – Society is better for healthier men in it.

    There is more on this in depth in this article https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/interviews/a14409/brene-brown-shame-vulnerability/

    This piece in psychology today is also helpful, for parents and partners of boys https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revol

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy