Men; do we need to talk about guilt and shame?

It was part of my healing that some of my guilt turned to anger.

When I realised that what I thought was my fault was a burden that wasn’t mine to carry

As I discovered that someone else’s emotions are not my responsibility. Until then I took it on myself to clear up their emotional rubbish. Soothe. Tend.

I grew up soothing the emotionally immature people in my life

Reacting to them, as they didn’t own their emotions themselves. Manoeuvring around their world.

Everyone else’s needs more important than mine.

Feeling guilt for even thinking that I might have feelings, needs, emotions.

Feeling their projected guilt that I hadn’t tended them enough.

Not being angry enough to care about myself. Just guilt that I wasn’t meeting others needs enough.

I had to care about myself to be angry enough to care about myself.

Guilt in ministry encourages us to never say no, to work too hard

To never feel like we’re doing enough

Guilt inside caused me not to be my true self, what was my true self?

Guilt keeps truth caged.

My only feelings were that of others. What did I feel, deep down? It didn’t matter. So why bother.

I am enough, I’m learning to know this

I can feel, I’m learning to feel

I do feel, and the toy box of my emotions now gets chance to play.

I needn’t live in an existence where I felt guilty for not being enough. Unsure of my own emotions, unsafe of being true, so accepting the guilt.

Healing meant that the guilt I had been conditioned to feel dissipated, and turned to anger.

An anger that gave me permission to stand up for myself.

To be truer to my true self.

Melody Beattie writes this, in her best selling book, ‘Co-dependent no more’ :

‘The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes this may be a welcome relief if the pain is too great or too constant, but that is not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs – our need for love and to be loved – when we shut down our emotions… we lose the motivating power of feelings’ (Beattie, 1992, 2nd ed)

One of the characteristics of those who undergo therapy successfully, according to Carl Rogers, is that ‘They tend to move away from oughts’ The compelling feeling of ‘I ought to be this or that’  The client moves away from being what they out to be, no matter who has set that imperative’ (Carl Rogers, 1968)

A friend of mine, Jenni Osborn has just recorded this on the subject of Shame in youth ministry, do have a listen

I stopped feeling the weight of guilt, other peoples guilt projected on to me, and started to feel angry.  Angry because I now had something worth defending. Myself.