Healing Dreams

The Problem was that with just under a month to go until the exams and every free moment was crammed with information, when he (Harry) went to bed he found it very difficult to get to sleep at all, his overwrought brain presented him most nights with stupid dreams about his exams

(Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, JK Rowling, p630)

What are your dreams like?

Do you dream in black or white or colour?

Do you see yourself, or are you yourself in them?

How often do you dream?

I realised that for 30 years of my life I barely dreamt. I realised this about 2 years ago, when I had a dream. Until that point, I dont remember having more than one or two dreams for years.

The Common dreams I had as a child were anxiety dreams. I only disclosed this to someone I felt safe to do so a few years ago. Many of my childhood dreams involved me reappearing at the events of that evening, but doing so completely naked. Then realising I was naked in the dream. It would often be on a Monday evening, after Scouts.

Then again.

There was another dream. A nightmare I had, as a family we’d watched the film The 39 Steps, I must have been about 6 or 7 , that night I had nightmares about falling off Big Ben.

As a result my parents then teased me when ever we watched films in the future, and ‘whether I’d have a nightmare’ over it.

They were the clearest dreams I had, until recently.

From the age of 13 though, I haven’t allowed myself to dream. I have filled my mind, a bit like Harry, with the all consuming tasks of school, of exams.

Then of over thinking.

and theres the emotional anxiety of the childhood home, walking on eggshells.

Of being responsible. Of taking the blame.

So I didnt allow myself to dream.

For another 15 years I pumped more stuff into my brain. Two degrees and the reading in between, whilst experiencing emotional abuse in the marriage too. Complicated by the continued emotional trauma of the parents.

Sleep meant listening to podcasts to get to sleep. Drift off to the voice of calming human beings talking about their movies. Avoid the silence. Avoid the dreams. Keep thinking. Keep sleep and dreams at bay.

By avoiding sleep, I was avoiding dreams.

I didnt dream at all.

I dissociated from them. Had to keep hiding my true self.

Until 2 years ago. When I could relax, and feel safe.

Deep sleep and REM sleep play an important roles in how our memories change over time. The sleeping brain reshapes memory by increasing the imprint of emotionally important information while helping irrelevant material fade away

Dreams keep replaying, recombining and reintegrating pieces of old memories for months or years

The Body Keeps the score, Bessel van Der Kolk, 2014, pp260

My Therapist said to me that knowing that I had started to dream, and have dreams that had my parents in them, was a sign that I was healing.

A sign that my brain, my memories knew that I was in a safe place to start to work on them. To reveal themselves to me.

Dreams Heal.

My dreams have been showing me some of the old stories and memories.

My inner self is being allowed to see them.

Im not trying to run away from the terror any more.

Im dreaming so much, ands with such vividly that im writing them down.

Most of my dreams are showing me something, telling me something.

But the process of having them is healing in itself.

From a time when I didnt want to dream.

Now I know that this is part of my healing.

Harry Potter, I get it. Its what I had done for years. Over thought, also lived with trauma for decades, and so wasnt able to dream.

Healing dreams

If you’re not allowing yourself to dream, it might be time to ask yourself why.

If you dont feel safe to dream. This could well be a sign that something needs to change for you.

Theres a number of articles on the links between dreams and trauma, and some tips on dealing with nightmares that affect sleep, one of them is here