Recovering and Healing (Part 7) Self-sufficient me had to ask for help.

I had no money, no job, no knowledge of where the next week was and was told to be out of my house.

Self sufficient me.

For the best part of the previous 18 months I had been trying to grow my own produce, carrots, herbs, chillies, potatoes, onions, courgettes, radishes, lettuces, peppers, garlic (40 bulbs) .

For the best part of the previous 17 years I had been the person who helped others. The passionate supportive helpful youth and community worker. The person who wrote to be helpful. The quintissential but unhealthy Enneagram 2.

For the best part of the previous 40 years I had had to deal with emotional trauma mostly alone.

I had grown up, knowing that I had make life happen for me, the ‘internaliser‘ ‘The Mature for his age kid‘ , The person other people went to for advice. The person, who looked like they were ok.

The person who struggled to know what they wanted or needed, though, because I was used to coping. Used to battling through. Used to survival.

Used to not wanting other people to help me.

Used to keeping people at arms length, especially when they asked any difficult question.

I faced a choice. Being homeless, desperate and walking the streets, or asking for help.

Being vulnerable.

Having to ask

I wasnt used to this.

Survival and coping alone was my trauma response.

I just had to ‘deal with it’

I just had to ‘take responsibility’

The abusers needs greater than mine. So I only hid mine.

But now im at my lowest point.

With nowhere to go.

Something has to give. Something has to change. Lucky for me I chose the right person.

I didn’t want to ask for help

and… given my past – who would I ask?

I was used to not doing so, the kind of ‘help’ in the past had been with strings attached, emotionally loaded, or met with ridicule.

I was supposed to meet their needs.

I had to let someone else..help me.

That was one of my first lessons, that I had no choice but to learn, the hard way, with tears streaming. I have nowhere to live, no money, no job, and nothing

Do you want to live with me?

Was the response.

Grateful.

That I had asked.

I didnt want to be a burden. I didnt want to look weak. I didnt want to ask

I had no reference point to any of these things.

I had always coped..tried to cope…or avoided.

Learning to ask for help

Learning to trust that I might have friends who might not think I was crazy.

Learning to trust that I was deserving of help

Learning to realise that other people might want to ‘be there’ for me.

I didn’t have to be the strong one.

Men, you dont have to be.

(Neither do women either)

It wasnt weak to ask for help. It was bloody hard and I didn’t want to

It wasnt weak to need someone else.

I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.

Survival alone, and not asking for help, was my trauma response.

Self sufficient me, was now not alone. Self Sufficient me began to realise that he was actually loved. Self sufficient me, began to be in community.

All I needed to do was ask. Yet it felt like the hardest thing to do in the world.

To say. To admit. To ask.

To ask for help. That was one of the many things I had to begin to do, from Rock bottom.