Abusive Mothers: Some Children do ‘ave them

(More than as as society we would want to admit)

Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.

Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)

Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.

Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.

When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.

Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.

On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.

Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…

Some of those myths I wrote about in this post.

Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.

So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.

Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.

What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.

The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.

Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.

It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.

In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.

In this piece, the author describes the signs that you have an abusive mother.

They include:

• Constant criticism
• Eratic responses
• Shame and guilt to manipulate
• Being blamed for her situation
• The silent treatment
• Its your job to keep her happy (or ‘the peace’)
• Nothing you do is good enough for her
• You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
• No Privacy
• Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
• Wont allow you to be yourself

Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.

Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.

I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.

Gaslighting

Walking on Eggshells

Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch

Having no empathy

Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship

Blaming others.

Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.

Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.

If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.

The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.

Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.