I took a while to do this.
A very long time in fact, because I had conditioned myself to numb the pain, to survive and also that I had only my own resources to get through things.
You might imagine, that in having supportive parents you might find there shame in getting to the point where your marriage had broken down – but at least you’d be possibly assured of support afterwards. Imagine having the opposite. Imagine what its like knowing that you’d have to manage their emotions when you’re going through your stuff. So you dont bother.
So I learned to pretend.
Imagine being in a faith culture- being in churches, working for churches, being a youth worker, being well known – and also having to hide, numb and pretend that the reality doesnt exist. When you think, that everyone else thinks, that you might be happy and ok – but they dont ask and I avoid being asked.
It took me a long while to know that doing this for more than 20 years. It took me the same length of time to try and bring to light childhood horrors into the open either.
Why?
Why couldn’t I do this?
Why when ‘Vulnerability’ hit me like a drug in early 2019 it was like a refreshing new thing, but was as if I couldn’t help but tell bits of my story, the real stuff.
Shame, as Brene Brown says, is the belief that we might not be accepted in loved – if our truth is revealed.
Talk to me about the things that I was good at – and good at ‘despite’ my parents, and maybe thats the thing, if Brene Brown is right – then shame is “I am Bad’ rather than ‘I do bad things’ – somehow I had been gifted the shame of being responsible for the situation I was in, because of being a child of narcissist parents, it could never be their fault or responsibility…so whose might it be..yup..mine.
In his book The Courage of Hopelessness, Slavoj Zizek writes in the first few pages about the ethical dilemma of those who smoke cigarettes but can give up, and the moral ethical dilemma of the ‘choice’ of giving up, the freedom to give up, and also the imperative to, going on to say that its only when someone is desperate, on their sick bed, and at the pit of hopelessness do they realise that they have no choice but to, for their own survival, that they do. I am yet to read more of his book, but this in the first few pages stuck. Survival Shame meant, for me, just keeping going, getting through it, same patterns, same torment, same gnawing unhappiness, same abuse, until the desperate me had to ask for help.
Richard Rohr talks about a vulnerability moment, a breakdown (Falling Upwards)
Eckhart Tolle describes his own, aged 30 (The power of Now) , as does Brene Brown herself.
It took hopelessness – to get through the layers of shame.
I couldn’t see things whilst I was hiding in and amongst it.
Though I was right about the parents, and at the time so glad I was somewhere actually emotionally safe.
Back to Brene Brown – in her TED talk I referred to in my previous blog, she talked about the 4 aspects of society that Men have to live up to ‘to be a man’,
Emotional Control,
Status,
Job
and Violence…
Well I re watched it again yesterday with Christelle, and realised Brené said something else:
For Women, Shame is
Do it all, Do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat
For Men, Shame is just one thing:
Do not be perceived as weak
Brene Brown (TED, 2012)
In the area of Emotional control, one of the fours aspects above that Men have to live up to – how does being weak in this area bring about shame?
are you any of these..I might be
I know I can be ‘open’ like this – but I know I struggle to show emotions and be emotional even with people I feel safe with
I didnt want to look weak – by going to therapy – and yet im going back for more
I would prefer to fix than ‘not know’
I would rather hide and pretend than admit I need help
Being vulnerable – genuinely vulnerable is a weakness
No one at work had better know if im struggling – I couldn’t bear it
People like me, dont talk about struggles – we’re always ‘fine’
Numb your own pain – those emotions are not as important as other peoples
In my job I look after other people – I have to stay strong…
Dont be soft, you’ll get walked over
What might you add to this list? What might you have said to yourself?
If Emotional control is one of the expectations – and fear of being weak the main shame for men – what might this look like for you.. what does it look like for me?
You might ask about whether you need to have an awareness breakdown moment before realising that there is a different way to be about shame and vulnerability – and in truth I do not know the answer, that may be down to your attachment style (healthy) and childhood and all the coping mechanisms – and whether you have places to be emotionally safe. Maybe you dont need to have a breakdown and get to being hopeless to start making the change – maybe you were brought up with good acceptance of your emotions as a boy from family and friends. Only you reading this know.
It could manifest in the fear of needing to be looked after, or the fear of having to ask for help, or not giving away our emotions, or staying in survival mode, or distract from real feelings mode, or taking medications to numb the pain…
Vulnerability isnt a weakness – it is part of our every day lives – its risky and scary – it is part of who we are- and that includes us as men too.
This is possibly part 1 in a series on vulnerability, in which Ill write on the 4 societal aspects described above and share a little about how they have affected me, and possibly other men too.
If you have a story to share about Shame, and vulnerability – and emotional control – do put it below or email me , and with your permission id love to share.
Maybe its time to name the weakness, name that it is not weak, to challenge the culture in which this manifests – I deserve better, our boys deserve better, women deserve better – Society is better for healthier men in it.
There is more on this in depth in this article https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/interviews/a14409/brene-brown-shame-vulnerability/
This piece in psychology today is also helpful, for parents and partners of boys https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revol
James Ballantyne 
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