Over the next few days I will be away, as I’m heading to San Diego for a week to be with my beautiful fiancé Christelle as we plan our wedding for a few months time, meeting folks and importantly getting the license for our wedding.
As I head there, I’m am reminded of something from the last time I was in San Diego, at Christmas time.
I had to re-learn ‘crossing the road’ in a new context.
Yup.
Everything I instinctively followed about crossing a road in the UK I had to think differently. It wasn’t just that they drive on the wrong side – but that, get this, sometimes, a red light doesn’t mean stop – a ‘walk’ sign might mean walk if clear or walk if the car lets you, even if it says walk – do cars wait at crossings, who drives first at a crossroads – and what if two cars arrive first and why all the stopping and starting..
At least on one occasion I was half way across a junction driving and nearly froze. On another occasion Christelle and I weren’t seen by a driver as we used a crossing. Madness.
The rules were different, yet everyone seems to know how to operate in it, or at least, those with respect to these rules, who were aware of their surroundings were.
But I had to unlearn what I knew and try and learn a new language.
It felt like I was having to go against all my 43 years of unconscious competent instinct.
Press, wait for the green man, look and then go
was now, press, wait, wait and check, the car might not stop for you, then cross, carefully…
As I think about this today, one day out from travelling, Im reminded of some of the life scripts I’ve become more aware of
things like:
You can only relax, when all the jobs are done
Work hard, don’t be lazy
Dont think about yourself, thats selfish
Other people are more important than yourself
Hurry up, the early bird catches the worm
Dont be inconvenient
Make us proud
Keep things in the family
Dont upset us
Be strong…and care for me
What have yours been?
What about the words Ive said to myself ; Ill be ok if__________, or ‘that kind of thing happens to other people and not me’ or ‘I always___________’ or ‘If I do this then ill be happy/feel better/ successful/ok’
Then there was the script about waiting to be rescued – having a magical rescue or disappearing
The scripts are everywhere, just go to a coffee shop and listen to others –
but what about yours – what about mine.
One of mine definitely is ; ‘You can only stop and relax when all the jobs are done’ – and in previous situations those jobs were never done, but even now I have to make a conscious effort to undo that script – because there are still jobs to be done, and I can always make more, like cleaning the inside of the fridge, changing the beds, or the kitchen cupboards…even on my own in my new flat (or old one) being busy was part of my script – I might describe it as cleaning anxiety, conditioning as I was expecting to be ‘told off’ if things weren’t tidy, or putting my own needs last – either way I know that its there.
I also know that as a response to the ‘Dont exist’ phrases from childhood, I developed a script that was that ‘I was ok to exist if…….’ and this included things like being compliant, tidy, quiet..and working hard – so its not difficult to see where this all came from.
In Stewart and Joines (TA Today, 1987) they describe scripts to be one of these patterns, Always, Never, Until, Almost, After, Open ended, in the examples ive shared of my own you can hear the ‘Until’ as the common one, the reality is that there’s times I use all of them to some degree, but one might be more dominant than the other.
I have talked before about the difficulty of doing my own healing work in that piece I noted some of the internal voices that were current verbalisations of past scripts.
Like crossing the road, I have a choice – as do you
Do I follow the script of the old pattern – that worked to keep me alive and safe in one context
or Do I note it, see it, and realise that whilst it was needed, my context has changed? New rules, new awareness, new behaviours are required?
What if I say
The tidying can wait, its more important that I sit, in quiet and relax for a while
I am more important than the things….
or
I should go and do that fun impulsive thing, without over thinking it
I should do something I want to do – rather that what I think other people want for me to do
The first step has been acknowledging the patterns of the scripts – seeing them
The second is recognising that they were useful, kept me safe
The third is about realising that I have a choice to maintain the script – or decide that I can break out of the script pattern – because I am in a new context….and
Different things matter…..I matter… and I can choose…I am safe – so do I need the same script?
Of course – I did have a choice before – but the reality was that in abusive relationships that choice is limited.
Like crossing the road in the UK, its so long since I learned how to that that awareness has completely disappeared – I similarly didn’t realise that I was following script patterns for so so long – And I’m sure there are others I am yet to discover. I just instinctively did it, without realising – or felt I had no choice but to.
Now some of those scripts, just don’t make sense at all. But others are more subtle….
Be strong – and dont show your feelings – is another script I heard – as I had to soothe the abusive people around me – no space for me to show any emotions.
To other men – what were your scripts? What did you hear and take on? and How might you respond to them, and communicate to others around you that this is what you need to do? Changing life patterns is no easy feat, especially if it challenges norms within relationships. Other times if we dont change, its like being continually bewildered trying to cross a road in a different country. A country in which our new self, new awareness is wanting to shape us, shape me, into healthier patterns.
I am valuable and so are you.
The world is a better place when we become closer to the core self we are meant to be.
James Ballantyne 
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