Abuse and the fragility of self-belief.

‘You shouldn’t doubt yourself, you’re really good at’

Aww shucks, thank you

But when those voices return

Those ones

You know the ones I mean

Every action, every creative, public action is a huge sap of energy

Self doubt shouts with a megaphone from the recess of the mind

Ive been fighting my own voices for a few months now

Maybe for a few longer

I used to pretend that they weren’t there, but they just lay dormant

‘You’re no good at this’

‘You never make it work’

‘You’re not as good as _________ at it’

‘are you sure this is you?’

‘Faker’

‘Dont have ideas beyond your station’

The voices

Self doubt merges into paralytic self criticism

But then again, its no surprise is it?

The Trophy child, on display

All the work, no pay

A childhood ground on expectation, rules and shame

With only a few teachers to point me in the right direction

Relying on my own head to survive, the voices I can tell myself

Those voices I can do this – despite

I can be something – without

I can make it – on my own

Survival voices, from an unsafe land. Maybe that was it, so much energy taken up in trying to survive, self protection, understanding, trying to please, that there wasn’t space to actually be good at something, to be creative.

Compliments and encouragement I find hard to trust, easier to dismiss than believe them, I know you mean well.

It may be easy for you to tell me that I shouldn’t doubt myself – it really isn’t easy for me, I know you mean well

The effort to doubt my own self doubt, keeping the darkness at bay

realising that actually, the darkness might be a friend too, it wants to tell me something.

The battle in my mind, doesn’t need more weapons.

It’s not a fight. Its a reminder

A reminder to remember, who I truly am.

That I am not the voice. That those voices need not over power me.

A reminder towards love. A reminder towards awakening.

A reminder towards heart. A reminder towards soul.

That I am is more than I can.