Change through a lens.

Because I didn’t think I as worth it…and then I realised I actually am?

Photos tell alot don’t they.

I barely have any photos of me prior to 2019, so when I saw the one in the top middle a few weeks ago, I got a bit of shock.

Taken in 2017. There wasn’t a smile in my wounded heart to be had, trying to pose for a photo for a new job I was about to take. It was haunted, serious, in survival mode me, hiding and fearing, both demons on the outside and within.

This was before…

Any Therapy

A reading of any self help book

A realisation that I wasn’t as responsible for things as I thought

A realisation that I had been abused

A realisation that I could be vulnerable, or had to be

A realisation i could be free from things that I felt trapped by

Any sense of self knowledge or self worth or value

Any journalling, any practices of self care, boundaries or being willing to see my unhealthy behaviours

And a lot more besides…

Top photos 2012, 2017, 2018. Bottom photos 2022, 2024, 2024.

Today I was in conversation with someone, actually a homeless man on the streets, a beautiful conversation by the way, he said to me that I didnt look like I had had 4 lots of therapy in 5 years, also saying that I looked about 36. I turned 46 last week.

This reminded me of the conversation I had with a minister when I was 19, he thought I was in my late twenties, yes a beard helped this, and I think he meant well.. but I was carrying the world. It’s obvious from the photos above isnt it.

Ive wondered about how self indulgent I have been recently. Clocking it.

But realising that what ive realised is that the bits of my story I like talking about is the joy stuff, the new me stuff, the feeling of peace and happiness, though… people can see it and hear it in my voice… somehow its harder to convey this by writing this down… Maybe, as a friend said to me recently, I spent 40 years avoiding myself and being barely self orientated, 5-6 years learning to love myself and go through some real challenges in this, and now, there’s a bit beyond. A great big bit of life beyond.

So if you knew me, pre 2017, a part of me says sorry, because you got a very wounded me, shell like. Though part of me also recognises how still kind and loving I could be, in the midst, and professionally pretty good, at times. Also, 2024 James, loves 2017 James, for his bravery and courage.

Some of you have read bits of my 2019-2024 journey, a lot documented here, or have met for coffee or regular phone calls, and to you… thank you, thank you for holding me as ive shared, learned, loved, tried to understand… And those who have seen me recently, thank you for sharing the joy, the life and the happy tears, of all of this.

Did I know in 2017 that this photo would be an evaluation moment? No.

Do I remember it being taken and the feelings inside… yes.

Am I genuinely proud of myself, in a positive way for loving myself through my own self knowledge project, to today, to tomorrow and to the next… Yes.

Sometimes that different inner person just radiates outwards. We change, and our selfies tell us.