Wake Up Calls

Something needed to happen for me to change.

Something needed to happen for the dull aches inside to get dealt with.

Something needed to happen for me to listen.

Something needed to happen for me to start to live.

Something needed to happen for me to realise my heart, and not just my head was a superpower

I needed to change from survival mode, to ‘I need help’ mode

From grey stoicism to tears of raw pain, vulnerability and bravery.

A wake up call.

Five years ago; Facing homelessness, unemployment (albeit a tiny 1 day a week job) and separation, I made a call to friend, at the end of a summer of hidden tears and confusion.

A spare bedroom was offered and somewhere safe, a meal out on my first night there and the beginning of a long long road.

Desperation, vulnerability and a Wake Up call.

That was the big one. The first one.

There have been others since, as other aspects of my life needed to be faced with.

Past pain to be faced, not feared.

Ive lost times when I know that trying to hide has only hurt myself.

Ive lost times when realising that the path of self honesty and vulnerability has been the right path

Ive lost times when its felt like that onion with layers of pain has needed tears to heal, and yet as my friend 5 years ago said, Tears are good. Tears appear when it’s safe.

Ive lost times when ive felt alive.

Ive lost times when I have felt.

Ive lost times when ive had to be brave.

Ive lost times when I have felt held.

Ive lost times when the unknown had be trusted

And my heart has grown, with the safe conditions to do so. Love feeling strong.

Ive lost times when Ive had to see, unlearn and learn, this new beautiful way of being.

Yet, I haven’t lost time at all, it’s just the way, if anything ive gained time.

The sleeping giant needed a wake up call.

One daily step at a time, one new day to be alive, one day to feel what life has, to be open to the magic and wonder it all.

Sometimes life needs a wake up call to make its way known to us.

And a realisation that I could not fight it anymore, it was time to accept, time to grow, time to face and time to listen.

And now….

All around there’s new life rising…. from the winter fields

Runrig (MayMorning)

Heart still open, tears of joy and well… straining chest muscles from dancing too much…. ;-)

But it needed a wake up call and my response to it, safety and trust.

The path of healing is paved with moments of love. In fact it’s surrounded in it.