Thats the noise ive kind of made in the last few weeks as I’ve headed towards my 48th Birthday, which is today. 

A kind of deep, in the breath humming noise. 

A kind of wistful, soulful, pleasantly grateful feeling, of being 48. 

Definitely not relief of making it through another year thing, oh no, that would imply that ive been through a lot in the year and im putting a lot of emphasis on the next year to be remarkably different. 

No, not that. 

More a ‘you know what im just blissfully grateful to be me’ kind of feeling. 

Like an openness to being me, a sense of assurance of being me, a feeling of ‘I genuinely am happy’ and extras are cherries on the top kind of things – because I just feel a deep sense of inner life, joy and energy. 

hmmmm 48. 

Gratefully 48. 

I did say to myself a few years ago that I felt that life began for me at 46. I was 45 when so much of my inner life changed, and so I got to my 46th feeling so alive, light and dreamy that I was probably glowing too unrealistically. Yeah right, as if I still dont glow. ;-) 

I have had to deal with a few things in my 46-48 years of life. Stuff that ultimately enabled me to realise my own power, poise and self love. As well as write through it, and write my childrens book (and the dream of it stay alive) . So I get to 48 feeling even more assured. 

Walking hand in hand with life. 

Yesterday I had to answer the question (for life insurance purposes) as to whether in the last five years I had contemplated suicide. It was beautiful for me to say no. No I hadn’t. Even in the darkness of what I have been through, and the darkness of the voices, that sometimes were of despair. 

More days than not I feel like im walking hand in hand with life, and its beauty, creating a space of my own personal heaven, and not give attention to the dramas or hatred or weightedness of the news or others. More days that not I love the life I am in. More days than not i feel blessed in the being of me in the universe, and openness to the universe and me in a walk, sometimes dance. 

So noticing how life and I get on so well, was just a delight. 

For so long I walked masking darkness, and therefore masking life, and walking close with voices that cried out for escape. 

Now I am here. 

Present. 

Alive. 

48 an feeling beautifully alive and beautifully me.

And proud of myself for the journey. 

Aware of the angels who lit the way. 

Aware of the friendships made to overcome

Aware of the gifts, of love and light

48 and grateful. 

48 and feeling AMAZING! (Because I am…..and so are you!)