The other day I was reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, it is quite a remarkable book, its probably the third time I have read it in the last 18 months, and whilst it didnt have the same spiritual effect on me a The Power of Now did, it is high on my list of books in which the process of reading has been a spiritual experience.
On Page 189; Eckhart writes this:
Nobody can tell you who you are, It would be just another concept and so this would not change you. Who you are requires no belief. In fact, every belief is an obstacle. It does not even require your realisation, since you already are who you are. But without realisation, who you are does not shine through into this world. It remains in the unmanifested which is of course your true home
Tolle, A New Earth, p189
And as I was reading this I looked up at my high, large window ledge. On it was my coffee cup, a wedding photo of Christelle and I, and also my clear pencil case, full of a mixture of wax and pencil crayons, and fine tips for colourful writing, and expressing in my private writing.
I looked at my pencil case.
Breathed, a slow deep breath
And realised..
That I am not my Pencil case.
It was a bit of revelation.
I could see my pencil case.
I am separate from it
I can watch my pencil case (it wasn’t moving)
I am seeing it.
I am looking at it
It is in the universe
But I am not my pencil case
It has contents, a mixture of them
And I can slowly or quickly choose them in a number of ways.
The pencils have labels, colours
Yet they are just what they are
They may be broken, some underused
Some pencils left at the bottom, my least favourite colours for writing.
Peach, Grey, Brown.
But what do I mean?
I know I am not my pencil case, surely?
Yes.
But who am I, if I am not my pencil case?
Am I my contents?
Am I my past?
Am I my labels?
Am I my emotions?
Am I just an object? just a tool?
Am I what others made me out to be?
Am I just a container, full of these things?
Feeling sometimes broken, sometimes raw, sometimes colourful, sometimes grey.
Feeling sometimes the tools connected to the writer.
I am more, or maybe I am less
Maybe all, Maybe I am the universe and I just Am, all at the same time
Connected and Isolated
Embracing natures warm bliss, and treading a tightrope of trauma
Gentle steps, sometimes joy, sometimes anxious
I am , I just fucking am.
I am not what I can see, I might be a seer
Yet I might get stuck, hiding away, trapped inside, like crayons waiting from the zip to be undone, waiting to be creatively safely found again.
I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, the sheep hear my voice and listen, they don’t listen to a stranger, for they dont know his voice. (John 10)
But Lord we asked, what if the thief is already in the pen, what then?
The Sheep hear my voic-
no we didnt, we hear what we’re allowed to hear, A voice that lies
A voice that pretends to be you, but its not you
A voice that tells us that we’re just sheep, and there’ll be trouble if we dont obey them
And says that you’re not coming to protect us……
Oh Hang on, wait a minute, you let them in didnt you?
You let them in the pen!
No, well, that ‘gate’ thing, what I meant was that, thats for you, if there was no robber or thief
but you let them in too?
I couldn’t stop them, you know like wheat and weeds, both
Marvellous, great, a gate keeper with no checklist
Its not my fault! They didnt appear to be a thief or a robber, its not like they wore it on a lanyard that said ‘Thief, about to steal sheep, D.O.B 11.04.23(AD)’ actually they gave me a great list of all their credentials of sheep care.
They lied to you too?
They always lies.
So that ‘God looks at the heart thing’ you know back in the David days, how was that going, did you have a heart bypass or something, could you not see through it when you let them in, you know twitchy eye contact, a bit too ‘boasty’, seems like they tried too hard, dont you think? Could you not have done something ?
I am the good Shepherd..
Yeah yeah, we heard that one at the beginning, if you’re that good where have you been hiding since you let in the robber in the pen?
Busy.
Busy?
Well, yeah, kind of busy.
Say more, goody shepherd?
Nope
We’re waiting
Well, there’s a pen over there you see, and its just far easier to be their good shepherd, no conflict see, and those sheep get to come and go and I can do that ‘gate’ thing over there, and its just lovely and the sheep play and eat grass
No thief over there then?
Well, err no…
You went for the easy life?Gate duty over there when the thief was in our pen?
The Sheep heard my voice and they came and went, and danced on the green pasture, and ate the green grass and I could lead them
Whilst we were trapped and you knew it. No Voice for us
Thats a bit harsh, you’re not jealous are you? Or just a tiny bit angry?
(Sheep stares)
(Uncomfortable silence)
(Sheep stares a little more)
We thought we could hear them..the distant sounds of something we once recognised, the sound of fun.. something that we could only ever hear but not do
Oh yes, Peace and love and joy, sounds about right
But not in this pen. Not with the thief inside, want to know what the thief said to us when we could hear all that ‘peace and love and joy’ ?
Ok, yes tell me
They’re better than you
They’re more deserving than you
They’re being spoiled
They’re not as sinful as you
They work harder
Thats what the thief said to us, so that we couldn’t have joy, or love or peace, just more rules, and being busy, and never being good enough, want to know more?
Yes please do.
We had to change.
We stopped feeling like sheep a long time ago, it made us weep to hear that it wasn’t far that sheep could be sheep. We werent our selves, and it was stressing us out
What do you mean?
Well it wasn’t safe, no time of day, the thief kept on watching and making us work, and gradually over time we noticed, that we treated each other more prickly too, developed hard shells, toughened our skin, we grew hair to cover our eyes, its like we forgot we were sheep inside, we had to pretend to be sheep.
Sheep on the inside, elephant on the outside?
What’s an elephant? All we know is this pen and the thief, oh and those fun loving neighbours, have you been playing with elephants too, in your busy times?
No, but what else has it been like?
Thief in the pen? One day one of the workers came up from the farm to check on us, see if we were being treated well , and we were like YAY we might be rescued, (given that you disappeared oh goody two shoes shepherd just out for the fun), and so we started to shout as loud as we could to get his attention, tried to make the hired hand listen to us
Oh yes the hired hand, he doesn’t listen listen he just runs away
Yeah, we know that now, thanks for the heads up.
What happened?
Well, as the hired hand got closer, we got louder, desperate to get them to realise that something was wrong, and you know what happened next?
No, tell me
Our thief smiled all nicely and said those words, ‘don’t worry about them, they’re just a little too sensitive, they get like this on a hot day sometimes, ill take good care of them‘
And that was it, no further questions, didnt even try, just believed the charm and the smile and walked away. And then…
then?….
Thief hits us harder than ever , blames us for showing them up, and you know what they said next, just after, trying to be nice?
No go on
That if we spend more time worshipping you he’ll put a good word in and that you’d come and see us. So thats what we did, doubly hard work, making wool and now a daily regime of worship and prayer. Did you not hear us singing to you?
erm, well, I could hear something, but it was words I didnt recognise and I had nothing to do with that arrangement, the thief always lies.
We now know that , took a while for us to realise though, and some still can’t believe that the thief always lies, some of us still want to think the best of the thief in the pen, but the only way out was to realise that thief always lies, even when they say they try, try to be better, try to be good they say, but never for long, always lies, never realising that we have to be clever, clever to to figure them out, clever to cope in the pen, with the thief at the helm.
Once you werent coming, I made a decision, because waiting for you, ‘pray harder’ the thief said, no I had to figure it out and find a way of escaping, I noticed the lies, and just had to ignore what the thief was saying, and realise that their actions didnt match
And then?
A few of us got together, kept noticing the patterns and behaviours and realised we could escape, once we remembered that we had more power, and choice, and once we stopped listening to the lies we gained more strength. But thats when thief turned nasty, violent, threatening, unravelling in front of us, we stayed firm and walked out of the gate, thief’s last words were to us was that ‘we wouldnt win, were in trouble now, we’ve made them upset‘ but we walked, and we realised then we could breathe and tasted the clean grass again.
I can see, im glad you are free
But others arent though, they are stuck in the pen, with the thief, what about them? What if the thief goes to other pens, what about them?
The sheep hear my voice – eventually
Is that what we found?
I think so, now enjoy life, full life, now that you’ve found it, and made it happen
Question, just before you go, are you ok with me being angry at you?
Yes, thats what you needed to get out of the pen
What if im angry with you for a long time?
Just take your time, let it out, feel and be loving to all the feelings
Thank you, and one more thing, why our pen? Why this one and not the other one? We have only known a thief in the pen
My dear sheep, there is no one answer to that question, and it might take some time for you to realise, but know that you can now rest, and play and live, and breathe and be, and feel your own wisdom, strength and resolve. The why is because what you had was wanted by the thief, you had something they wanted, and they always want and steal, you had something they tried to take, but also maybe there’s magic going on deeper in the whole of creation that neither I or you know about, and that magic has set you free.
Im giving you what I know. From what I have heard, directly.
As I was watching in a fascinating documentary recently on the development of Art in America (‘The Art of making it’- I think) , they used the phrase ‘ the oppressed knows their abuser more than the abuser knows themselves’ . So this is what I’m sharing with you, my knowledge, so that you can build up yours, if you need to. Healing starts when you see how you have been treated.
These are some of the tactics of the manipulator, and they are tactics, strategies so often used that protect their position or their core damaged, often rotten self.
Written from their perspective. For extra ammunition for you, the healing one, the empathetic or someone who hadnt realised the extend of what people could do to be emotionally or verbally manipulative.
So let’s put ourselves in the place of the manipulator, change places and imagine that we are in the shoes of someone trying to keep someone else quiet.
You have power, and so here some phrases to use if you want to make sure that your, powerful position is maintained, and in the process you have bewildered and controlled the person who challenges it.
It’ll keep someone quiet, especially someone who you want to keep silenced.
So, next time you are challenged, they maybe start to ask you questions that seems to threaten your existence, just throw one of these at them and see their reaction. For a moment it’s likely to startle them, especially if you’re using it for the first time. But remember, dont use the same one often, because what you’ll end up doing is giving them something to digest, like the gristle on a bit of chicken, and they’ll start to think about it, and build up some responses to it, so its better to throw in a new one or different one every now and then.
In no particular order….
‘I dont want to argue with you.’ This one is great, especially if they start to talk after a discussion before, it’ll completely silence them, they dont want an argument or conflict, just try itand see.
‘You’re just a dreamer.’ This has the same effect as
‘Stop being such an idealist’ .. If you suggest their argument is unreal, or ideal, it disables it, and they start to wonder if its unreasonable, making your position completely reasonable
‘Now dont get Angry with me’; Say this if their tone is just a tiny tiny bit louder than normal, or especially if they have gained a bit of confidence recently, suggesting they might be angry at something will peg them down a bit, also it really helps, in ‘church world’ that any determination of anger can help ensure that a position is invalidated. You can appear the calm one. It doesn’t matter if you have made them angry.
‘You’re too Sensitive’… an alternative is ‘You Care too Much’ – these are great to use, especially if they are starting to notice that you have limited depths of care for others, and maybe a deeper core of selfishness that you’d like to hide, so just let them know that they are too caring, and too sensitive to the needs of others. They’ll question how much to care, and maybe, if you say it right they’ll think that you haven’t had enough attention, and they’ll give you more, after all this is what you want all along.
‘You’re just gossiping’ or ‘thats just gossip’ or ‘they’re just a tell-tale’ Definitely use this one if someone starts to accuse someone that you have a close association with, especially related to safeguarding, and maybe churches and religious groups, this one is great to use, it’ll rally others around your position and sideline the critical, negative or disclosures. Its more effective if the persons making the accusation are in an already sidelined group, like young people, women, older people, someone with learning needs, someone from a poor background, anyone whose been judged harshly already by the majority, explicitly or implicitly, thats the best time to get away with the ‘gossip’ line.
‘Are you sure you dont belong to a Cult?’ If the person goes to a different religious group, one that is different to yours, and they are challenging you, then throw this line at them, do it especially if they have received guidance from their ‘pastor’ or ‘minister’ and its about how to cope with you.
‘This is just the ways its been/always been/ I can’t change/Just the way I am’ – There’s no way you are going to change, especially not for them, why do you even need to you are perfect as you are, so give a version of this one a try, gently let them know that this is how you have always been, (or how the organisation has always been) and by saying this, they will have to realise that they have to do any changing.
‘You need to think about my needs’. This one is great to use, after they have done some of 8, changing. Then because of the effort they have put into thinking about themselves for a while, this will help them reset to thinking about you again, and taking them back into the pattern that you liked them in, when they orientated their life around you, and you not changing. They love changing and being exhausted all the time.
‘Dont raise your voice you’ll upset the kids/someone’ . Say this when you want to give them the curveball of emotional sympathy, but not for you, for someone else. You dont feel, or get upset that often remember, neither does what they say or do upset you… but that doesn’t stop you from using someone else to create their emotional sympathy. Just gently let them know that their actions hurt someone that both you and they have a connection to, a family member, relative that kind of thing. It also gives them the knowledge that you have contact with that other person.
‘I think you might have mental health issues’. Get this one out there when they’ve gone a bit upset or really low, depressed ever since the last time they tried to talk with you. Maybe even do this in a kindly way, suggest that they get help, or make it look as if you care about them, just a little. But dont do any more than this, never find them a therapist, or book a GP appointment, no no no, just plant the seed. It’s unlikely that they’ll follow it up, it just combines a tiny bit of care, and causes them to be bewildered further. Just be really careful here though, especially if they start to go to therapy, or get help, you’ll have to find ways of pegging them down or devaluing what they are doing in this.
‘Dont you dare try and be the Victim’. When they start to even dare think of themselves as a victim of your behaviour towards them, just plant in them this little gem, it’ll reinforce to them that you control which role you are and the position from which you see the world, and there’s no way they are going to take this position from you.
‘I was just being sarcastic’. Did they not understand a comment you made that was intentionally harsh? Or they challenge you on it because it was unreasonable.. Say it was sarcastic. Now you know that they know that it wasn’t, but that doesn’t matter, just say it anyway.
‘You’re overthinking this, you read too much, best to keep it simple’. Your way is right, even if their thought through idea is a good one, demean the source of the idea (probably a book) and not them, and then appeal to an easy way. Easy avoids pain and pain is definitely something to avoid.
‘I think you expect perfection’ – Use this one to suggest that they are expecting too much of you, like anything at all or their basic needs to be met, which isn’t what you are going to do, so instead, give them the impression that what they require from you is some gigantuon effort, or extension of reality , like perfection, and instead they will have to re-assess what it might even be that they are asking.
Speak of yourself in the third person, so ‘Your father, Your wife, Your husband’ dont say ‘I’ , because your I has to stay hidden away, and can’t speak, but you can describe yourself in the present as if it might be from you, its your idealised self, not your core self talking, like ‘you know your husband/mother loves you very much’ , its not I… This also works in emails, to disguise the tenses, persons and voices, to confuse. If you’re not sure of this, use ‘God’ instead… like ‘God wouldn’t want you to get angry’, or ‘God loves you’ (even if I dont).
An extra one. Forget that you said any of these things. Every time. They didnt hear you properly when you said it, you dont remember saying it, they must have misheard you, and if you did say it how they interpreted it want what you meant. This utterly wastes their time, because theyve spent a while reacting to what you did actually say, and now you are disputing your own words, which of course you have every right to do so, and it makes them think they are crazy. You can even go further and then suggest they need their hearing tested.
Sounds harsh? It happens… a lot.
So, here’s how to gaslight and silence people. Here’s how to keep your abuse victim quiet, confused and bewildered, scared and questioning their reality. Here’s how to use language to create a culture of fear and manipulation, and for you to sit in a place of power.
If you are reading this and are horrified that I am giving away tips to abusers, then wait.
It’s very very unlikely that anyone abusive is going to read this, it is more likely that you are. You. Someone who has experienced this kind of behaviour. Because you googled the phrase ‘too sensitive’ or ‘verbal abuse’ or ‘Darvo’ or ‘Victim mentality’ or ‘self awareness’ or ‘projection’. Someone who is abusive doesn’t read a book on how to be abusive, somehow, their protectors just know, and their wounded ego can do the rest. That person isn’t going to read this list.
But if you have heard these, you are more armed. You are using your brain, you utterly clever brave courageous soul, you are resourcing yourself with the tools of your abuser, and working out their similar strategies, because they are all the same. The words being only slightly different, I’ve seen and been told almost all of these in 40 years, some more than once, and more by women than men, though I know men say these things too. There are only so many patterns and phrases in their textbook, once you’ve seen the ones above, you’ll notice them all.
Can we also broaden this out from individual relationships, to systems and structures too? How many churches wouldnt recognise these kinds of behaviours? how many might even see these as ‘normal’ ? What about in safeguarding situations? What happens when people try and defend their roles or positions or reputations? Lying to defend is too blatant, but 1/4 truth hidden in manipulation (and spiritual language) can go a long way.
Im sorry that you had to read this list, but if you have said any of these, then it’s time also to stop, reflect and listen, to the damage you have done. If you have heard these, if you hear these in the present, do consider getting help, support and emotional safety, because it might well be time that you are treated better, respected, listened to and heard.
Have you heard any more? do add them in the comments below, to share and build up a resource of them.
I love both Elaine Arun and Hannah Jane Walkers books on Sensitivity – but – in the main who are their key audiences and examples?
Hannahs book is wonderful by the way, yet in the main the conversation about sensitivity centres around herself, her sisters and her mother in the first few chapters, about how women nature sensitivity in other women. It is beautiful, their stories and very heartful. Actually I would go as far as reading this book was an awakening spiritual experience for me, self love in a self help book.
Sensitivity barely features in a search of TED talk titles. (but Introvert does)
Sensitive and male as a search on You Tube highlights a type of sensitivity and not necessarily of the emotional sort.
So:
Whilst it’s said that 15-20% of everyone would be considered sensitive, or highly sensitive. There isn’t much of a conversation about sensitivity and being male. I wouldn’t expect it given the author and her experiences.
There’s a lack of ‘ways’ in for Men to access this topic.
So let’s continue to have it.
What’s it like growing up male and sensitive with a male parent who either dismiss, ignore or reject their own, and thus your sensitivity?
What’s it like growing up male and sensitive and having a female parent who similarly either dismiss, ignore or reject their own sensitivity, and thus your own?
What’s it’s like having your own emotions stolen as a boy to feed other peoples emotional needs?
What glimpses are there that you were a sensitive boy, and what happened when you expressed these? or… what steps did you take to hide them, or pretend that you were otherwise.
What has been the effect on you by hiding this part of you?
I laugh now. I got into a ‘fight’ once. It was my last day of primary school , aged 11, and it was one of those glorious warm hot June days where we could play football on the ‘rec’ (recreation ground) instead of the concrete of the enclosed school playground. I won’t name the other person, but they had been a friend for a while, and lived not far from me.
I was playing ‘in goal’ and this person was deciding to stand on the goal line, I dont remember if he was even playing the match, maybe he wasn’t and was being annoying, I remember not.
I had heard enough messages about ‘toughening up’ , about standing up for myself. This was my chance, so I thought, to prove myself. T prove to myself that I wasn’t as weak, timid or shy anymore.
I don’t remember how the incident continued, my feeble attempt to be ‘brave’ probably involved pushing him out of the way, did I raise my fists? I don’t remember, though I remember getting one back. I think I ended primary school with either a black eye or bloody nose, and only the realisation that trying to physically injure anyone felt so weirdly disconnected, my arms/body didn’t work like that, and I felt pretty rubbish about it.
Trying to prove to myself that I was tough, not weak and not going to let someone else annoy me. Step 1 – ends in embarrassment… oh and the temporary loss of friendship. A year later we spoke again and we’re friends again.
I guess it’s a glimpse for me. Of how trying to be tough has felt uncomfortable. And also of the damage of hiding sensitivity.
It was the 1980’s, I get it. There wasnt talk of emotional health and wellbeing in schools at that time, or anywhere else.
Described as perceptive and contentious by my teachers – a key indication of sensitivity – neither of these things were valued or nurtured.
So, im just wondering, where does sensitivity play a part in our daily lives – yet we wouldn’t use ‘the S’ word to describe it
Because as Ted Zeff describes below, the men who recognised and realised their sensitivity could share how it was positive for them in their workplaces, relationships and social lives. (there are other vids on YT on this subject, do give them a watch)
But he also describes how a more ‘Western Culture’ , UK to a lesser extent and North American more so, there are cultural challenges in admitting being sensitive.
If the ‘S’ word is a big ‘no-no’ what gets used instead?
‘Social Skills’
‘Adaptability and flexibility’
‘Good with change’
‘Receptive to client needs’
‘Hard working’
‘Team Player’
Someone who might be good with people, good with animals – might be highly sensitive, as might someone who has deep friendships and is upset if these are rocky. But someone who has friends is valued – even if their sensitivity to emotional needs might not be.
We might not like the ‘S’ word – but the outward traits of the person, the man with sensitivity is valued…. some of the time.
Did you notice what I noticed at the beginning of that video above?
That there’s research that suggests that up until the age of 5 boys are more sensitive and aware than girls, yet by the age of 5 most of these emotions have been diminished in a boy, except for anger, the only emotion a man is socially permitted to express.
Where does that even leave that boy who is told off for expressing anger? or in a culture (a christian one) where anger is deemed sinful? (and I realise this is not just men) but saying. Where does a boy go to hide so that they can be safely sensitive?
Did you have a space for this?
It’s not that as a boy I wasn’t sensitive, I just had to hide it, especially where it wasn’t safe. On other occasions, my sensitivity enabled me to be safe in an emotionally abusive home, as I could tend to the emotional needs of others.
Like so many things in our emotional make up, and the reality of the trauma many of us have faced, acceptance leads to growth, denial hides protects and is afraid. There’s everything courageous about accepting sensitivity.
Unsure if you’re sensitive? Do have a read of this
Do share your experiences below in the comments, id love to hear. If you have a resource on this and want to share it with others do link it below too. If youd like to support me in my writing, you can do so here, Thank you for reading.
The more I have reflected on Sensitivity, the more I realise how inconvenient it seems to be.
For a start.
Admitting being a sensitive person yourself… feels inconvenient.
There can be ‘easier’ more ‘recognised’ more realisations that encourage greater sympathy than sensitivity.
Some are more diagnosed, they appear, for an example as a protected characteristic of the Equality Act (2010) – and dont get me wrong, this isn’t characteristic olympics. It’s not the point im making. Maybe this is ‘insensitive’.
Thats interesting.
Me trying to ‘make a point’ thats probably not quite as well articulated as it should be I might recognise as ‘insensitive’ . So.. what might be sensitivity?
Sensitivity might be akin to ‘making an appropriate response’
Sensitivity might be about realising who might be affected by a situation and responding appropriately.
Sensitivity builds relationships, and cooperation.
Sensitivity values depth and quality.
Sensitivity is empathy
Sensitivity..pays attention.. a lot.
Sensitivity cares.
It’s Inconvenient in a culture in which outcomes, numbers, ‘success’ and efficiency are default dynamics.
Sensitive to emotions and lives, not to system protection.
It’s the youth workers, sensitive to the young people of Rotherham, whose voice was deemed ‘over reacting’ , and years later the report highlighted that the system didn’t listen. Were the Youth workers too sensitive? Easily dismissed? Inconvenient?
Sensitive people are inconvenient aren’t they.
Inconvenient, because they dont fit.
Many of the systems we live in look at the natural responses of the Highly Sensitive Person…. and rebuke them
Hanna Jane Walker (2023)
Maybe the System needs to change.
Because if there were no sensitive people – the system would have imploded by now, already.
When the system tightens, when it gets harsher. The Sensitive person is going to feel it first.
The Canary in the Mine.
Yet, What’s strange is that when a micro system like a school develops healthier emotional responses, prioritising the practice of emotions of health, empathy, listening, cooperation and holding emotional reactions.. it benefits the pupils towards better ‘results’ and creates better community and environment (Lisa Cherry, 2021, Conversations that make a difference with Children and Young People).. its not about ticking a box to say ‘trauma informed’ – but humane.
Its no wonder that those who have sensitivity, human values in caring profession leave by the droves, when the ‘system doesn’t benefit those of whom it is meant to, and in a way that should do’.
How inconvenient.
Yet, Ultimately usually, everyone benefits. (except the non humans, the spreadsheets and newspapers)
It’s Inconvenient for the farmers to recognise that their soil quality is getting worse, being sensitive to the changes, and having to adapt. (James Rebanks, The English Pastoral)
It’s Inconvenient to be sensitive to the needs of the planet – and not the continual consumption of it. It’s inconvenient to adhere to warnings about flood plains and deforestation – and not have buildings that get flooded or be prone to landslides.
And yet.
Let’s make this personal again.
Sensitivity is inconvenient yes because it is counter system cultural
But its also counter ‘Emotional expectation cultural’
It’s a trait that many try to hide.
More than that, a gift.
When the one person stands up against the system, for the benefit of humanity, it’s not that others dont agree with them, it’s that they dont want to be seen to agree with them. To admit being sensitive, caring and humane.
If you have ever watched the film ‘The Last Bus’ there is a moment ion it when the lead character stands up against a man who is racially bullying an asian woman, he is sensitive to her plight, yet the bully expects the crowded bus to be on his side because there is silence. The opposite is actually the truth. The bully is escorted off with loud cheers, yet the old man was as equally acting alone. Those who bully might expect that silence is for them, when actually it might not be, this might also be the case in the boardroom.
Inconvenient for ourselves.. back to being personal.
In addition …
Not always being heard
Struggling with boundaries.. and
Being easily overwhelmed.
Im not going to go into detail into these things here. But if you identify as sensitive, or recognise that this might be you, but dont want to admit it, then that inconvenience of being sensitive is actually just part of you, part of you being who you are.
However challenging, it is how you are wired. It can be highly frustrating, highly draining, and to have to manage ourselves in a world that often doesn’t fit. It feels inconvenient even to be wired in this way. Inconvenient to have to be thinking, taking in information , processing, working things , feelings, body language.
The temptation with something inconvenient, something unsettling, something that feels raw, is to toughen up, deny or pretend it isnt there. It takes someone else courage to believe the voice that speaks from sensitivity, It takes courage to be paying super attention and speak up. it’s inconvenient all around, but more often more humane for everyone.
Sensitivity ; An Inconvenient Truth?
References
Sensitivity by HAnnah Jane Walker (2023)
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Arun (2001)
Conversations that make a difference with Children and Young People by Lisa Cherry (2021)
All words Ive heard in my life, some at school, some in places that were meant to be ‘home’.
What did all of these words and names mean? What did they do? What did they communicate as to what is valued.
Especially for me, a Man, A boy, A teenager.
What about the following:
‘You need to have a ‘thick skin’ to work here. Or to be a ____________ nowadays.
And ‘that’ profession, it seems strange to say this about a profession that on the face of it should care about people, clergy, teaching, nursing, social work..
What is being valued here? What does this say about our society?
Who is this all in favour of? What is being left out?
Shall I be honest with you?
Ive struggled to write this piece.
Yet, as you know, ive been able to, or found it ‘easy to’ write about other aspects of my self realisation and awareness journey in the last few years. Including Abuse. Ive come back to the subject of sensitivity in the last month or so. Rereading Elaine Aruns book that I read for the first time 3 years ago, rereading it 3 weeks ago was like new pings going off all over the place, new pieces of my personal jigsaw making more sense, more realisation of how my childhood, schooling and subsequent has been affected by not being able to have my sensitivity valued, though not being able to know or communicate this.
Its as if I fear that admitting being sensitive is weak.
Its as if I then put myself in the ‘snowflake’ ‘woke’ or ‘wooly liberal’ category.
Its as if I then be vulnerable.
But what if?
I am Sensitive.
I am Male, and I am Sensitive.
And it’s been a strength that ive had to hide. But it’s been there, I can tell.
And I always have been. It was what to need to be to survive. And not just me.
It wouldn’t have mattered to retort ‘ no im not gay, im just sensitive’ wouldn’t have helped in the playground. Standing up for bullies hasn’t been about punching my way back, but reporting to the right people. (And then I got bullied for being a ‘tell tale’… honestly.. what is the right thing?)
As I read the book ‘The Highly sensitive person’ by Elaine Arun and ‘Sensitive’ (2023) by Hannah Jane Walker, who writes from current research into sensitivity, and in conversation with researchers and psychologists and those in economics and business too, and an interview with Elaine Arun herself, my head is full of further questions and realisations, questions that might be for the future, and so this might be an introduction to ‘Sensitivity’ and specially being a Sensitive Man.
Would you like to hear more on this?
What insights do you have if you are male and think you might be sensitive?
Has this been something you have struggled to admit?
Could you trust it if you discovered it? Can I?
‘What if the real story of sensitivity is one of profound vulnerability and resilience, care and empathy, Sensitivity is much more every day, much more mythic than we think. Sensitivity is fundamental to who we are, and I think fundamental to where we go next ‘
Hannah Jane Walker; Sensitive (2023)
Maybe it’s time to be proud of being sensitive. Maybe it is for me, maybe it is for you. Time be courageous and dig deep into this strength thats been hiding behind masks and expectations.
What did it feel like to you to listen to your sensitivity, pay attention to that soft voice inside, and care, cooperate and listen, rather than seek to compete, dominate and rule? Is ‘hardness’ a required mask?
Male Sensitivity… let’s talk about it. What does this mean to you?
Has being sensitive been a gift or a challenge for you?
Are you in a job, a community or relationship which values sensitivity?
Do share below, and let’s talk about it.
References;
The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Arun (1999)
Sensitive – Hannah Jane Walker (2023)
If you’d like to hear more on this, my recent video shared some of the indicators of sensitivity. Do give it a watch.
Anger will mean someone else has to take responsibility for my feelings
Anger is to be avoided
I didnt want to be angry like they are.. when they got upset.
I internalised all of these, and I think other myths about Anger.
Time to stop believing the myths about Anger.
Yet I knew about anger…in theory… because like a ‘good’ youth worker I delivered ‘Anger Management’ classes..about 15 years ago.
I could soothe and listen, but had absolutely no experience of processing my own anger. With the exception of bottling it, and it being released in cynicism, and holding it all in.
I couldn’t be angry and expect others to have to deal with this. I had to be the one who dealt, responded even, to other peoples anger.
I didnt know what ‘being angry’ to the point of letting these feelings out.
I Mis-managed my own anger. Conditioned since childhood.
Anger gives me power. Anger enables me to take action. Anger now helps me realise that I have something to protect. Anger creates boundaries.
But its new, and still new for me, and im learning to be healthily angry.
I used to say ‘I dont get angry’ but what this meant that I suppressed everything.
Much Anger comes from Unmet needs
Melody Beattie (Codependent no more)
I was scared of my own anger, because I didnt know what it would be like.
Yet, without anger, and rage, there might not be the point beyond it to know what the actual source was and is, and experience the peace beyond. The thing we’re frightened of is often the thing that controls us.
Silent rage is destructive. If you’re not actively, consciously releasing anger, your holding on to it. And this is not doing you any good
Edith Eger . (The Gift)
So.. what did I do when I got angry this week. We’ll firstly I noticed that my despair at a situation only lasted for about 1-2 hours – in the past this may have lasted longer, I may have sunk, frightened.
But instead I realised that I could be angry about it.
I swore, a lot.
I threw a few cushions.
I drew with large crayons on paper, let the scrawl take what ever shape and told myself that it didnt matter it just needed to ‘come out’
And then I wrote, words, phrases, to the situation, to myself who had to deal with the situation. About my needs.
I talk more about my relationship with Anger here in my latest video
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I think I used to try and bypass my anger to try and find a place of calm, yet that calm was often like the proverbial shaken champagne bottle, calm, but raging.
Im learning to be better at this. Im learning to have a better relationship with my emotions, and sometimes get opportunities to practice…..
It took me a long while, and it required small practice steps, of even just re-learning to swear.
Time to bury the myths about anger.
Time to deal with it, ourselves.
Time to let it out and not feel judgement about it.
Notice, let it out, and listen to it.
Anger is a defence. Burning through it and the fear and grief is revealed underneath. Then its time to forgive ourselves. (Edith Eger)
By not releasing it were denying that we werent victimised or abused or that we’re human. Making ourselves numb. Pretending to be Ok.
What’s your relationship with Anger? What do you do to release it, and then process the core needs underneath it?
Lets face it, its far easier to put our complaints out in the open and enjoy the attention it receives. Playing victim can be an art form.
The weather. What ‘someone else did’. Blame ‘The Man’. The System.
A gloomy view of day to day life is notionally the norm. Often at bus stops. Train stations. Whenever there’s a group of people waiting. Or chatting in a cafe. Or at the end of church. Maybe its not a British thing. (Do let me know if you’re not in Britain reading this) Its the easy default culture to notice the bad, and to keep a memory of it.
If you’ve been reading my work before you will know that I have been processing and trying to understand myself through a lifetime of psychological games, and childhood abuse. This has been undoubtedly challenging and will I know be a constant long term thing. Accepting the ‘bad’ is one thing, a hard thing.
But it may be as difficult to accept the good.
It might be ‘just the accepted British way’ to say
‘It was nothing’…. when you’ve helped someone as their shopping fell out of the bag in Tescos car park and they said thank you and offered a gift.
or
‘Its just my job to do this’ ….after doing well in a presentation at work
or
‘Everyone else was having a bad day’ – when you’ve just won a competition
or
What about not actually believing someone when they tell you that you are loved, special, unique, beautiful or valued?
What is our reaction to hearing this from someone?
Is it dismissed as ‘being soft’, or ‘yeah yeah’ or not accepted?
It can be so difficult to admit that it’s actually difficult to accept being seen, being loved, being appreciated and praised. Why?
Because.. for some of us, maybe more of us than we’d like to admit, Praise was used to control and manipulate us… a form of breadcrumbs
Praise with strings.
Not just at home… church too….
It may even be that in some churches ‘praising God’ might be a similar transaction.. if I praise ..will this give me something I want..?
Pride cometh before a Fall.
Guess who heard this, in church and over and over and over again at home. This was a great reason not to praise or note someones gifts or strengths. What was interesting for me, was that I barely heard praise growing up (except from teachers or church leaders) and praise received was quickly belittled and quashed at home. ‘Dont want him getting big headed‘ ….
In another way though, every every christian denomination I have been in in the UK has some form of ‘Praising God’ for the good things in life, and ‘blaming the self’ for everything else. Its acceptance avoidance and also a denial of the person to be able to have some part in an action. God neednt have all the glory, or he can also have some of the responsibility for the failing things… or when churches close.. for example.
When ‘love’ , ‘gifts’ and ‘compliments’ have been weaponised and been tools for manipulation in our childhoods, and they were for me, I can tell how I learned to dismiss the need for them. Stoical survival: dismissing recognition of praise. I can recall those moments where I couldn’t accept a compliment for winning a race, or a piece of work.
It’s fascinating also though that in ‘Courage to be Disliked’, Kishimi and Koga write about how gratitude is different to praise. Stating
When we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is the carrot or the stick, yet the background is manipulation..
If receiving praise is what someone is after, then it is only right that they adapt to that other persons yardstick.. and put the brakes on the persons own freedom..
Kishimi, Koga, The Courage to be Disliked.
This is interesting in relation to praise and compliments, and accepting the good, praise might be unhealthy, but as children its something that (like punishments too) controlled us, and affected us and our acceptance of compliments, gratitude and affection ever since.
Because of its source.. it couldn’t be trusted. It wasnt safe.
But, that was then, this is the now. Isn’t it? (yes this takes a long time to accept too)
In what way has that conditioning still got a hold on us?
Might it be time to be a friend to yourself, to myself, and let go
The refusal to accept what’s a positive about yourself is a burden. Why go on carrying it?
Why deny ourselves the acceptance and appreciation of the beauty of the lotus (or the rose) and only focus on the mud?
Padraig O’Morain
Practically in his book ‘Acceptance’ Padraig O’Morian writes about how to listen, but then respond the the self-criticism voice inside of us.. the one that can constantly self sabotage and attack, suggesting that when the voice tries to launch into full scale attack.. ‘switch your attention from it and towards your breathing or something else, look out of the window, or focus on the movement of your feet, ‘gradually let the self attacking deflate of its own accord’ .
Because….Its perfectly healthy to accept ourselves and the good things, creative, loving, kind, achieving, wise things about ourselves. It maybe just takes a while to realise this. But it is healthy. It is. .
Its been a survival mechanism for those of us who have been on the receiving end of psychological (or spiritual) games in which acceptance of our good self has been weaponised. We masked not needing it, survived without it. What might happen if there were cracks and love came in?
It isn’t idealistic or dreamy to see the positive in a situation, even if you can see it long before someone else can, but how might I do this for the situations I am in, and not just for other people. We dont need to focus on the negative.
Acceptance of who we are , how we think, where we get energy, how we contribute in teams, in relationships is key. My recent video was on accepting my introversion, but there’s gifts in the extroverts too (yes really ;-)
What might our day to day lives be like if we can learn to accept, learn to see, and learn to talk the good in ourselves, in others and also in the world around us? Maybe it takes courage to accept the good. Courage to love and receive love. Courage to accept love and positivity.
James Ballantyne 