It was a film that centred Men and their dealing with emotions, such as grief, anger and memories. Yes, it wasn’t perfect and maybe not therapeutically perfect either. But it was good.
So it got me wondering, what films have you watched that portrayed Men dealing appropriately, though not always perfectly, with their emotions? Do comment below
I can think of a few others, Rocketman, Hector and the pursuit of Happiness, The Day we sang all watched in the last few years – but what for you has been a good film that shows Men dealing well with difficult emotions?
Over the last few weeks I have just started a ‘live’ chat from my fb page ‘Healing for Men’ – yeah the old title of this blog, which I haven’t got round to changing as yet..
In it so far I have talked for about 10-15 minutes on something that I have learned that previous week, it might be something id written about here too, so if you want to watch do subscribe.
Anyway, last week instead of going live I pre recorded an interview with John Pearson a well being coach on who wanted to share with me some stuff he’d noticed about Men as he was listening them in his sessions.
Ive been taking ‘photos’ for over three years. A Camera has accompanied most of my walks, and especially during the lockdown walks.
I see nice things, then think, ill take a photo of it. Or..
Ill go birdwatching and take photos of birds, or actually any nature, foxes, squirrels, rats, mice, anything natural to be honest.
This year, as you may know, as ive mentioned it a few times, ive started ‘learning’ photography.
Actually learning it.
What do all those letters mean on my camera?
What makes a good composition?
What about light?
And what makes a good photograph? If there is such a thing….
But I notice something.
I realised today, when I was across at Redcar Blast furnace and beach, a place id not been to this year yet, but have been a number of times. A place with a combination of natural and man made beauty
It a place where there’s sea birds, benches, beach, and fishermen, but none today.
But as I looked at the photos I took, I realised something. The habits of old are the default. So ive got hundreds of images of birds on the rocks. Though I did also try to get some of maybe more photos where I thought about foreground, the story of the photo, or something of interest. Like the house above, or this one of the boats, banked up on the beach.
I walk around an area and sometimes ‘old habits’ are hard to shake.
But I also realise that im in a place where its conducive to the old habits. There’s stacks of nature and water.
Sometimes testing out new habits needs a new place.
When I found myself noticing that I was going back into ‘old photography habits’, I would stop and have a moment, a rethink, breathe, and know that nothing was wasted, and I would notice myself. On some occasions where I could I would take my focus somewhere else.
I was so busy looking outwards, for the scene, for the bird, through camera or binoculars, that I would forget the more important thing.
Myself.
If I can find a suitable spot, a bench or path, ill set up the camera so it can take a shot of me. If nothing else it means that I am part of my own story of my day. I am important.
Its as if the slow process of setting up camera, viewfinder, focus, timer etc and then getting into position is a mindset shift.
And the results are varied. But it doesn’t matter to me.
This interruption changes my focus, as even in doing this I am practicing new skills, a different focus. Im putting myself in the frame.
Unlearning the old takes time. Unlearning the old, in the same environment of the old is incredibly hard, if not impossible.
Changing mindset, starts from inside.
For me, a change in mindset is to focus on my self. It may not be this for you. It could be to focus on others, or focus on the spiritual or the environmental.
But it’s a change in mindset all the same. Change the focus of my attention, from external to internal.
Something I noticed today.
I suppose, thinking about it, when I shared this the other day, I was given the opportunity to then live and practice it a bit.
Can I speak for all Men? Probably not, so If you are a man and reading this then forgive me that I might be saying something that doesn’t apply to you. If you’re not reading this, then chances are you might not want to face the subject of ‘Self -Care’ , or that you dont want to read this particular blog, but ill be confident of one thing. One, or more of theses reasons will apply to you, cause you to wince in recognition, or cause a reaction, that may be defensive. Maybe you are a partner, sister or brother of a particular Man, and you can identify some of these. If you are, then be gentle with him. Facing some of these things is pretty terrifying for the first time, be brave to and hold him gently.
Before I share further. Some of these apply to Women, fully as much as Men. Absolutely. But as a Man im going to just identify some of the ‘Man Issues’ about this.
Because it sounds weak. We’d fix a broken car, and we’d store our car in the garage to look after it, maybe even vacuum and wash it each week/month/year, and take it for a service. Loving something that’s an object, a purchase, a status even seems perfectly acceptable. Self-love feels weak as often we’re not so proud of our bodies, our minds, our previous actions, our attitudes. If it wasn’t ‘Self-love’ and instead it was ‘Power-clean’ ….
Because it means accepting vulnerability. Tending to our needs and self might have to mean realising that we need something, that something in us is in need of attention, there’s a weakness.
Because it might mean accepting defeat. I believed I would be able to survive anything and deal with anything. Stoical survival, keeping going, trapped in a landscape of coercive control, institutional expectation, thinking there was no option, no way out, no alternative, no help, no one else…. at what cost? I wasn’t winning anyway. Self love might mean realising that ‘trying your best’ is enough, and exhaustion and being emotionally drained really isn’t what you are here on earth for. If you want to understand more about trying your best, look it up in the ‘ 4 Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Because it might mean accepting that the person who indentifies it…might be right. Someone else can see what we are going through, someone else in our lives might be telling us to slow down, take a break, stop, do less… Someone else might also be representative of a voice we might not want to listen to. We might have to admit that that voice of our partner, friend or family member might be right. That might take huge courage if we have prided our selves with self sustainability, self dependency, self strength.
Because we spend more time responding to the needs of others, and ignoring our own. Since childhood, I was safe when I tended other peoples needs. When I didnt I was accused of being selfish. These were my deep down reasons. It meant pacifying the monsters. But on other occasions, there were the needs of others in a regular way, such as childrens activities, concerns and issues, colleagues, and with any of us who work in caring roles.. all the people we work with, young people, vulnerable adults, and our colleagues who do so. When we are good at listening to others emotions and needs, we become brilliant listeners, supporters and take on huge amounts of responsibility. … I could also hide my own… for the sake of others… Sometimes id catch myself say ‘Oh Im Ok’ if someone asked. But also, I would avoid being around people who might ask this.
Because it might mean trying to act from our emotions, and articulate them. How many times do I start conversations with ‘I think’ verses ‘I feel’ .. thinking is easy, thinking is about brains, power and intelligence, about success and work.. I think therefore I am…. but actually.. I feel and maybe I become more complete. Starting with ‘I feel’ can take a huge shift.. and this gets me thinking…. sorry,… this gets me noticing and feeling… what words do we have to articulate feelings, that as Men we can use. Buried deep inside us might be the little boy that cried and was told off. The boy who was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed, or The boy who was rewarded for not showing emotion.
Feeling emotions isn’t as scary as you might think it is. It takes bravery and courage though. Feelings are more than just anger. Self-love might require us to understand our emotions and the needs behind them.
I feel angry when………. and I know I need………..
I feel shame when ……….. and as a result I need…..
I feel tired when…….. and I need……….
I feel drained when….. and I need ……..
I feel confused when…….. and I need ………
I feel misunderstood when ……….. and I need……….
I feel ……………….. and I need to love myself by doing …………………
There are other emotions and operating from them is like a brand new language, and our language can help us describe the emotions. It is new.
7. Because we fear what it life might be like operating from emotions … This new language for emotions (Emotional Intelligence by David Coleman might be a good resource to start with) , creates a new world for us. Life is different, for me, its full of colour, as opposed to stony grey. There is nothing to fear about what it inside of us and part of us.
8. Because it’ll mean I have to take myself seriously as a whole being.. and im not used to that.. Im used to being part of the machine of work, part of the ‘rat-race’ , doing, providing, success, achieving. My work, as a youth worker, became as much an identity, a safe place, for me, I could be lost in thought, lost in the next challenge, constantly busy, then adding even more to that, like study, or hobbies, or even, writing… Yet huge parts of me were left undiscovered, hidden, and more often that not I was operating in my own shadows. Self-love, means to love and accept ourselves as the humans we are, frailties, complexities, emotions and all. I am enough, and you are too.
9. Because it hasn’t been safe for us to share or be emotional, when we’ve experiences with our parents, partners or others. (unless frustration at football, or hiding in a dark cinema to cry)
10. Because we believe we can wait. We can wait until we retire, we can wait until tomorrow, we can wait until its too bad, we can wait until its desperate, we can wait… look there’s something else to focus on instead… we can wait.
11. Because it sounds, and feels feminine. Getting in touch with ‘our feminine side’ is often roundly criticised and pilloried in the media, many of the books and resources on self love and awareness are targeted for women or written by them. Many, not all. It’ll mean losing the macho, and attending to the malleable.
12. Because we’re too busy. And business is an addiction. Life being fast keep everything at bay, including our needs and our selves. Even the temptation to be fast runs through everything that could be slow. Bird watching leads to tech competitiveness or getting the perfect shot… walking can end up being an olympic sport… or a hobby to reach the highest, m furthest, newest climb… Slow hobbies in the midst of fast lives can easily become another space for speed, performance and achievement.. and what’s lost… that moment for ourselves again.
13. Because in the drive for perfection – we turned ourselves critical ..on ourselves. Oh how I love being super critical, asking questions, all in the name of reflection…. but look deeper and I know this is a safe place for me. Look deeper still and I can see how being critical of others stems from being critical of myself, beating myself up to try and be something, someone, better, more than I was yesterday. Try caring for yourself and see what that critical inner voice tries to do.. Loving ourselves means letting a different voice lead the way..and critic voice rarely goes away without a fight…
I write these and recognise myself in most if not all of them, to some degree at different points in my life. Unlearning the old habits of self – neglect is an ongoing battle. As I look at the list above, I know there are gaps, this isn’t about perfection…I feel this is something important to talk about and share, I also wonder whether there might be good habits for self-love and care for us men that would be good to share too.. what do you do to remember to love yourself? do put these below
Thank you
If you want to or need to explore these further, do find a trusted friend, a therapist or someone who can help you to validate your needs and feelings and give you a brave safe space to.
There are more resources in the menu above and also links to various mens mental health and abuse organisations too.
The best way for me to describe this is to tell you a story.
Last Sunday morning I had fun with my camera.
But. I had to make a choice to do this.
Because, the previous Thursday I went out, hoping to have fun, a relaxing walk, mixing some bird watching and photography. But for some reason it wasn’t fun. I had got to a point of digesting a few days worth of new knowledge about photography skills and practice and then went out armed with this knowledge.
On a grey uninspiring day. I also went to go nature walking.
There wasn’t much nature, and there wasn’t much of interest. It was a bit bleak.
Here’s a few examples from the day. Grey light mostly.
In short, I got back and felt as though I was trying to do too much.
Rushing. And over thinking.
Was I enjoying the walk..? No.
Was I chasing a bird or moment of nature? Yes
Was I trying to use my camera and look at scenes , sometimes..
Was I trying to practice a new skill, walk and find places, or see nature?
Too much going on. Over thinking.
Anyway. A few moments of fun in the sunset. Nothing is wasted, absolutely.
But I got back and thought id wasted a day, frustrated.
But on Sunday things were different.
I went to a place I had only been once before, HedleyHope Fell, just outside Tow Law, last time I was there it was wet and cold and looked like this:
Though I also realise that this photo doesn’t give any indication of how wet it was that day. Its just a tree. But trust me it was wet here in November.
On Sunday I went, the sun was hazy and out, and I decided that I would solely use the space to walk and try taking interesting photos, try some different angles and settings and just have some fun. I also thought I would take seriously the suggestion that I would tell a story, and the simple story of my photos was that it was me going for a walk.
So, in 8 photos, here’s me going for a walk at HedleyHope Fell.
Im not going to write this 4 days later and make out that I was gliding around the setting, in a beautiful flow of human with camera making beautiful art.. but I can say that I was having fun.
I was lost in the moment, yet present in the moment. Observing landscapes, light and scenes in front of me, trying to look, feel and sense the place.
Being present.
Enjoying myself.
And, I could tell what happened to take me out of this.
A text message , just as I was about to climb up the hill to the car.
A message that took me away from the place, the fun and the enjoyment.
I should have turned off my phone, but I dont do that for emergency sake, and text messages are so rare…so, I
was into thinking again. Panic even.
In that moment I lost presence.
Even breathing and trying to ‘slow down’ I had gone. Only my body remained in the fell, my mind was elsewhere, panic anxiety or whatever it was.
I did have plans to go to a different nature reserve after this one, but instead I faced the challenge, knowing that avoiding it would only make me worry more. Though I had resolved that on my drive back home that the worst case scenario was unlikely. And, it was unlikely. It was and is something I can deal with.
So its all ok.
So in a way I am proud of myself for how I responded and reacted calmly to a situation..eventually.
But what im also aware of is how easy it is for the fun and enjoyment I was having to burst like a bubble.
My flow went, my mind raced, panic, but then gradually logic and calmness did return.
I did go out again later, and I did enjoy an afternoon of sunshine, but what I did on this occasion at the nature reserve, was focus on recovering calmly from the minor stress, walking, breathing and doing the nature thing. Doing one thing at a time. So just outside Darlington at the Burdon Community Woodland, I got these photos.
Maybe not the best photos. But that wasn’t the point.
But it was important for me notice that I had to focus on one thing.
Walking and being in nature is good for me for slowing down, for appreciating connections with the earth. It was what I needed to restore myself. Sitting and waiting for an owl, or the movement of birds slows me down. It was one thing to focus on. It wasn’t the time for me to learn a new skill, a new toy. I needed something different for myself, than I needed in the morning.
Fun in the morning, Slow speed in the afternoon. Nature in attendance.
So, that’s my slightly unwieldy story about overthinking. Im kind of over thinking whether I should even share it, because its probably not that interesting, or enlightening, just me going out for walks and realising when I’ve been present in them or not, and I would imagine that’s just like any one of us.
Yesterday I wrote about learning the choice to be Happy.
What I realise today is that there’s something else.
Being Happy requires safety.
Its easy to be moany, negative, critical,
easy to be unhappy, easy to be numb
easy to hide feelings even.
When I was these things I was easy to manipulate.
Easy to sink into the swamp.
Easy to be abused.
Easy to stay in the fight for the others, and be unknowingly co-dependent with it.
Why would I want other people to be happy, if I had barely a concept of it.. maybe I wanted people to need me….
Happiness wasn’t a dream for me – I numbed emotions
Happiness wasn’t even a ‘concept’ I could conceive for myself. Not deep down.
Reality was that for 40 years I’d lived with people who didnt want me to be happy. (they weren’t Happy themselves…)
So why even chase it, easier to theorise or criticise the notion of it.
Being Happy for me, required safety.
Actually.
It required permission.
Specifically, I needed to hear and accept the possibility that I could actually be happy.
It was one of my friends who said to me; ‘James, When are you going to be Happy?’ but not in that critical way, more in a ‘James – when are you going to consider that you could be happy and that being happy is ok and safe to be‘ kind of way.
James…. Its ok… you can be Happy….
I needed permission, and safety, and the opening of a possibility that I could feel such things, or live in a way that was about happiness.
And my mind raged with it.
Because, my happiness was selfish – id been told, My needs weren’t important – id been told, other peoples happiness was more important than my own – id been told , happiness is for an ‘eternal life’ – id been told, happiness was shallow – id been told…. all the messages..and others besides.
I could easily overthink being happy and drag myself into that thinking space.
So I needed permission to be Happy.
Safe, brave, permission.
Permission to begin the process of searching, seeking and feeling Happy.
Even from in the midst of controlling relationships that had another few years to be dealt with. Not before. But in the midst.
It wasn’t that ‘when id sorted everything id be happy’ – because that was a lie. It was that in the beginning of being happy, or that the potential removal of unhappiness was possible even at that point. It was on the table.
Choosing to be… happy…in the midst of abuse and oppression is likely to challenge…. as the oppressor is losing control. Dancing in the metaphorical fucking rain.
Even beginning to realise that happiness was possible, and having the courage and safety to permit myself to it, invoked a glimpse of lightness, of happiness in itself. I stepped a tiny bit, another tiny bit, out of the leadened swamp.
So as I shared my learning yesterday, and awareness of the choice of my emotional awareness, one small step at a time, I realised that my awakening to happiness personally was about permission giving, about possibility, and about safety. I had received in so many ways the kindness of the universe through a breakdown and rebuild, yet that rebuild would not be full until I could see the lights above and know and feel that these could be true for me too.
Today, 4 years on I can give myself permission to be happy. What I needed the first time was the safe permission from others.
Tell me… what are 5 things that caused you to feel happy today?
5 things?
You’re joking aren’t you. 5 actual things. 5 moments where I wasn’t stressed, tired, weary, feeling like im in survival mode, drained, exhausted, pressured, stressed, thinking, over thinking, beyond overthinking to the point of being somewhere else….
Happy. Really?
5 things?
Yes.
5 things.
Can be as utterly small as you like, can be as tiny or insignificant. it doest matter, all that matters was in that moment it caused you to feel happy.
Yes, even that bumble bee that flew past you, the rainbow appearing behind the clouds, the way your dog looked at you, it just made you happy. For a split second.
5 things.
I didnt realise it was possible either.
I didnt realise Happy was actually something.
Duty – yes.
Obedience – Yes
Doing the right thing – Yes
Surviving – Yes
But Happy? Really?
Happy.. oh no, that’s not for me.
And you know what… when I didnt realise happiness was for me, I couldn’t give the opportunity for happiness for other people – without being critical, without feeling jealous, without being able to enjoy it, for others. I say these things about me, because I also wonder whether this might be more than just me too.
Let me ask you a different question.
What about this… What if I told you that happiness was a choice?
A choice you can make now?
What if you could have the power to choose to be happy?
What if this was a powerful choice, yes a choice, that you could make?
Because, being miserable, playing the victim and projecting blame on others is equally a choice too. But lets focus on Happy.
When asked on 31st January each year something that makes us happy, it might well be the relief that its the end of January.
But at the start of January, dont we say ‘Happy new year’ – Happy..may this year be full of happiness for you. It doesn’t take long for Happy new year to turn into the drudge of January. Happy seems to have disappeared from view. A long time ago.
But 30th January, 4th February and every day in July can be happy too… cant it?
What would it take? Madness? Courage? Determination?
What might we notice when we make this choice?
One thing I noticed, is that when I tried to make an active choice to be happy….
Which was in a bookstore, in San Diego Airport on 4th January, as I left my soul mate Christelle and I headed back to the UK.. in a specially curated Happy section for the new year
It was also the very moment that as I paid for the book and left the bookstore, that I realised that my already cancelled once, now delayed flight was delayed even further. Literally on the board as I left the bookstore. So, all the feelings about leaving Christelle, and now delays.
Immediate practice to choose my response.
This delayed flight, led to another cancelled flight, led to overnight in Seattle, another day of travelling, and eventually back to the UK and my flat quite a few hours later. Circumstances giving me choices.
What did the longer journey give me the opportunity to do – practice happiness…and to read about it. The universe is like that, gives us gifts in which to practice.
There’s many things I began to notice after the day I decided to intentionally focus on my own happiness. Another is that it is very easy to forget. Hence why its taken 31 days to write this.
Yup, the road of good intentions is littered with distractions, as well as challenging situations.
Ive needed reminders. So..
A few days per week so far this year, because I haven’t remembered every day, and I did buy myself a note book, that I haven’t filled in yet either… Ive asked Christelle the 5 happy things question, and she’s asked me it back.
It’s almost like retraining my own mind, soul and spirit to notice the happy moments, the happy moments occurring in the now and everyday.
I can hear the resistance. But what if I surrendered to this? If happiness is not now..when might it be…really?
I was one who was a critic of those who said that being happy was possible or real or a purpose in life, I get it.
But what spills out of us when we’re not happy? Who is this good for? Just our ego and anything or anyone else?
What if… this:
I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we are all seeking something better in life. So I think, the very moment of our life is towards happiness…..
Dalai Lama, 1999
So… about those 5 things..? (why not write them in the comments below)
Give it a go. Seek Happiness. Open up yourself to its possibility
Happiness, deep inner happiness is possible.
Its closer than we think, actually its changing how we think.
Happy New February.
Happy you.
Happy me too.
References
The Art of Happiness – Dalai Lama and H Cutler 1999
They reject quite a few, so I’m just pleased to have over 20 on there, and its honing what I take photos of. I know I’m not going to be a millionaire through photography but its fun, well, most of the time it is.
To aid me in my learning in this month ive started watching a number of photography you tube channels. Honestly the free learning here is amazing. Now I know I feel a beginner at this, there’s so many helpful guidance out there.
One of the things I was beginning to notice was though was that most of the nature and landscape photographers had what looked like massive expensive cameras, and that they showed only the best photos on their videos. Some amazing ones though.
And I was just starting to feel a bit frustrated that I would not be able to take photos like them, without the right equipment.
And I wondered what he was going to get at. He videos himself heading up to a bleak part of snowdonia and tried for 3 days to get photos of sunrises and sunsets over the mountains. His 2 days of failing included not having audio on for the video itself and weather that prevented even sight of the mountains themselves.
But what he said was interesting.
He said that as a photographer, the one comment that he got most ways from people who either complained about their lack of expensive cameras or equipment, or were condescending of his.
To which he replied by saying, ‘Dont be that photographer’
He said that the most important aspects of being a photographer , especially outdoors, landscape and nature and scenes, generally, are present already in a relatively cheap (less than £250) camera, and the rest is what is already present in the scene and in the eye of the photographer, as well as knowing their kit and craft.
He was saying, don’t be that photographer who is blaming equipment, the weather, conditions for their lack of good photography. Because all the components are there, but it takes work and effort, its a craft, a skill to learn, hone and develop.. its art.
So im thinking… yes he is talking to me, as a learning photographer.
But he’s also talking to me as a human too.
James, Dont be ‘that’ human – that blames someone else – when I could do something about it.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that the difficult and suffering are part of life
Dont be ‘that’ human that succumbs to getting frustrated when something doesnt happen easily, learning is a challenge..
Dont be ‘that’ human – that is gets impatient with comparing myself with others – learn to develop myself as I am.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that what I need to know is closer that I think, it is within
Dont be that human – that stops noticing the now, the quiet, the breath
Dont be ‘that’ human – that doesn’t see the beauty of what’s already in the universe, like light and dark, like texture, colour and change.
Dont be that human that is harsh on himself, self critical on the cloudy days when ‘nothing’ seems to happen – like today when actually, the drive included rainbows and the walk included kingfishers, but nothing on camera, just still moments of universe blessings.
James…. dont be ‘that’ human….
What about you… ?
So im learning photography. Maybe its giving me an opportunity to learn a lot more too.
Ill end this piece with a photo from when I was trying to put some learning into practice last weekend, this was me trying to play with light, perspective and settings on Seaton Carew Common beach. Sometimes its only sticks and random pieces of wood that make photos a bit more interesting.
I was out walking yesterday, going to Seal Sands, RSPB Salthome and and also on my way back Cowen Bewley Woodland Park. Over the last few weeks I have been learning a little about photography, I was encouraged by a colleague about my photos, which he saw on my camera, I bought a short book on photography and have watched a few videos on you tube. So yes, even though ive been taking photos using relatively decent camera for over 3 years, for fun. I went on my latest walk armed with slightly more knowledge about taking photos, as well as a little more knowledge about some of the technicalities.
In a way in regard to taking photos, I was barely ‘doing the technical’ basics, just using a camera to capture what I had seen, where I had been or what I liked.
And, even without any knowledge of the technicalities, I still took some good shots.
But even on my 2nd camera, I hadn’t done any homework on how to use it, I just used the automatic settings, which in the main were, Auto, Bird (watching) and Landscape.
Tell you the truth.
I was scared of the buttons. I was scared of pressing something and breaking it (childhood voices in my head again), scared too of ‘getting obsessed by something once id opened it (another voice) . And so, though not unlike the MacBook I’m typing this on, I had a fairly expensive (*though not in camera terms) camera, and wasn’t using in its real capacity.
Without completely remembering these were probably on Auto, Bird and Landscape settings.
Sometimes I even used the food or Moon settings too. But all the automatic settings on the camera. And they’re not bad.
Every now and then a birdwatching person would ask me about my camera, and then tell me that I should use the Manual setting. To which I responded with, Oh I’m just new to this, or ‘oh yes’ ill give it a go. Feeling slightly sheepish or inadequate, and to be honest, feeling inadequate wasn’t really an incentive to change.
I was scared. I was feeling inadequate. I was dismissing my need to change. I didnt have any access to what I would need to help me learn.
What I noticed today was the parallels between my photography experience, and my life experiences.
Being scared, feeling inadequate, dismissing my need to change and not having access to what I needed so that I could change, were at least four reasons why when I was deeply struggling for a very long time, I was on Automatic.
I was on Automatic settings in regard to my emotions, in regard to my responses and triggers. Automatic.
I was scared of what I might have to deal with, and what I had been dealt with, scared of the monsters that had done them.
Feeling hollow, inadequate, shame about what I now needed to ask for help with, and much more besides that has been revealed in the long road of the last few years.
Pretending and Hiding. Like an Technically brilliant camera, that deserves to be treated more than just in Bird, Auto and Landscape. I mean some buttons on it deserve even to be tried. Just to see what happens.
So what changed?
Well, regular readers of my blogs here will have probably read already, vulnerability, rock bottom, a breakdown, love and support , safety and then access to self learning , that’s what my path has taken.
In regard to photography? Being encouraged and being seen, accepting the guidance of someone who shared their experience and time, and me giving this interest of mine a bit more time and attention, like buying a book on it, and watching some you tube videos on it.
Im learning. From Auto, bird and Landscape, to now working out what ISO, Shutter speed, light meter and aperture all is, and also thinking more about light, perspective and colours, have all been what ive started, just started to play with and experiment with.
Because my camera isn’t going to break if I play with the buttons, I just get some weird looking very bright or dark shots like these…
And, nothing is wasted by experimenting. Actually in real time these shots help me make more adjustments. Today I tried lying down against the edge of a frozen lake, and to get close to the gulls and ducks, spending 30 mins lying on a frozen platform was fun, and being at eye level with the subjects made for better shots. Using a few different settings I got these ones.
These were the shots I took today.
Maybe getting good photos takes more vulnerability, to be open to learning, and sacrifice. The deep stuff doesn’t get revealed otherwise. The results might just be worth it too. Maybe that’s a lesson for the whole of life too.
James Ballantyne 