I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.
Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’
It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work
I didnt want to do that thing, say No.
I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.
I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?
Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.
Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs
How dare you say no to me!
You’ve upset me and let me down
You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault
I dont like you when you say no
You always do what you want
and the rest…
Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links
So I was building up to the phone call.
Deep breath.
Adrenaline going
Lots of energy being spent…
and…
And it was ok.
The person understood.
The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.
The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.
Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’
The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.
What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.
I said No today and It was ok.
I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.
I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!
I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.
I put my needs first.
I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.
I chose myself.
Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.
Or worse – they started to attack.
what will be their reaction,have you let people down again? and the rest…
Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.
I had a reminder of the power of No.
I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.
I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.
Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…
What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…
I made the choice to stay in bed the extra two hours this morning
Then when I woke up I chose to have a shower
I chose coffee over tea
then cereal over toast, id have loved blueberries on it, but didnt have any (I couldn’t make that choice)
I chose to sit on the couch and watch the birds as I ate, instead of at the table
and now I chose to write about it
I chose all of these things, they were choices I made
I chose also to get up and not dwell and let the challenges of yesterday take over
I chose to respond by getting up
I chose. They were my decisions.
Ive just got back from a two week visit to the South west of the USA, to spend Christmas with my now fiancé Christelle, and it was lovely to be away, away from job hunting, away from family drama and away.
There was something that I noticed at the very beginning of the time that I was there. Something I hadn’t never noticed before, from being in other countries, Spain, Greece or Tunisia.
Crossing roads was weird.
Now I get the ‘driving on the other side of the road’ thing – that makes sense. That was easy.
What was odd and disorientating was that responsibilities and choices were different.
As I made intentions clear..(a choice) I didnt know what was expected of me – what the custom was – who had the right of way, who would look if they were in a car, and when a car might wait for me that I wasnt used to.
What I could chose and what I had responsibility for was blurred. It was my responsibility to look and pay attention, to learn the customs and not expect all the 5m drivers in San Diego to obey my road crossing rules. It was my responsibility to keep myself safe, and also keep Christelle safe too.
Choice and responsibility is changing on the UK roads too, and it was the circulation of this diagram on social media that provoked this piece
The choices that are made now have different legal and physical consequences.
When I look back on my own life I can note the times when I have tried to cover up, our excuse the actual choices I made, in such ways as
‘I made a mistake’
or ‘The devil made me do it’ (when I was in a=n evangelical/charismatic phase)
‘that was a trauma reaction’ or
‘I didnt mean to do it’ (maybe followed by..)
‘Im only human…’
‘Im not as perfect as you think I am’
Its easier to hold someone else or something else responsible for your pain that to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood
Edith Eğer, The Choice
Trying to excuse, minimalise, convince the person I’ve hurt, or myself, that it wasnt me acting with responsibility in that moment. When the truth of the matter is, I made a choice. I cant say that I make a choice to have coffee at £3 in Starbucks every morning and then say ‘I made a mistake’ when I ran out of money, or I cant say that I make choices every day in my workplace, but only mistakes when abusing other people at parties. (though lets not confuse the issue further with the choices people make at work-parties, and their excuses afterwards)
Gary Zukav says this:
Each Choice that you make is a choice of intention. You may choose to remain silent in a particular situation, for example, and that action may serve the intention of penalising, sharing compassion, extracting vengeance, showing patience or loving. You may choose to speak forcefully, and that action may serve any of the same intentions.
Zukav (The Seat of the Soul)
He goes on to say that the splintered personality has many parts, each surfacing to fulfil the needs of the ego and what satisfies them. Eckhart Tolle writes:
If you had a choice, or realised that you do have a choice, would you choose suffering or joy, ease or non ease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of wellbeing, the joy of life within?
Tolle (The Power of Now)
When do I ‘take responsibility for choices’ or assign myself to the ‘poor me mistake maker’? – What positions to I take power in, what ones do I feel powerless in?
If its a choice- then I have to take responsibility for it – and not blame it away….facing that thought might be the most terrifying for all of us.
What consciousness (as Tolle would say) do I need to bring into situations so that I can see the light of what I do, as a choice , and make powerful choices even more?
Is there something different in the way we (Men) see the world – choices and responsibilities – than Women? Or given the greater awareness of abusive women in society than previously – is it something else? (just thinking out loud) Men are less likely to think about the consequences? – and this determines choice making?
Whether it affects it or not, We make choices. We can make good choices, to love, heal and joy – or we can make choices to hurt, confuse, damage and abuse. We can choose to love ourselves, and our world – or take from it and destroy. We can choose how we respond to oppression of poverty or war, we can choose. (The end of Poverty Safari by Darren McGarvey is very interesting)
I know there is more to write on this subject, and all three of the books I have mentioned are teaching and showing me more about choices and responsibilities, do give them a read. On Choice and responsibilities – what do you think? I know I haven’t covered the effects of trauma or medical diagnosis, or oppression in this piece, and so I know it is hugely complicated subject. I also want to write about how we have the power to choose our emotions, maybe thats in a follow up piece. Because, today I chose to get up, and chose how I might respond to today.
‘Tell us about any Hobbies and Interests that you have’
This used to be one of the common questions in job interviews, the kind of thing to add in the later section of the ‘Record of Achievement’ burgundy coloured leather folder from school , but as I was out yesterday, walking, bird watching, enjoying nature, I was thinking about how this has become a ‘hobby’ and ‘interest’ and how long I might do this for.
Why might I be thinking like this?
I guess I started to reflect on the amount of hobbies and Interests I have had in my life – and my relationship with them.
I sometimes think that I have gone from one hobby or interest to another quite alot in my life, and then i wonder whether thats the same for others, do other men just have one or two hobbies, and then stick with them for their whole lives?
Some hobbies I have needed to have because they helped me to exercise and stay healthy – they also kept me out of traumatic houses for a long period of time – So – Road Cycling – which I thought I would do forever, until I met English roads, which hold no joy after cycling in Scotland for the first 4 years.. but I still have a bike – ridden once in the last year… part of this too was pushing myself, climbing hills, longer distances, physical exertion, faster, longer rides, recording them on map my ride, then strava…
Gardening and growing food – Yay! the hobby that I though I would do for a very long time that cost alot of money…..the joy of homegrown carrots, chillies, herbs, potatoes, onions, radish, onions etc, and the despair of picking off late night slugs….but then I ended up not being in that house any more, after spending money on raised beds and equipment… but also that was another hobby that provided therapy and purpose in the midst of an awful relationship.
What else have I done?
Football matches? yes – and Ive supported one team since I was 8 or 9, but though I have been to a few matches, the thrill of the live game is often emotionally counteracted by some of the fear I feel with large crowds and alcohol, especially if I have to also protect my son when we used to go together. It can feel like thousands of people taking out their anger on 11 other people. Enjoyable in winning times, but not always.
Food and Breadmaking – This is partly because I had to, do the cooking, but also I blame GBBO for this, I started bread making as Paul Hollywood and GBBO began to get more well known. I got obsessed for a few years…. I have enjoyed cooking, and I do think making food is an act of love and im glad I still enjoy cooking food in my current situation – but it was something devalued and belittled/not appreciated during previous traumatic relationships. So, bread making a hobby, cooking an essential that I enjoy for its creativity.
Playing Tennis, Running (until I get injured), DIY (essential in buying cheap homes to do up) , Reading, Writing (like this) , Trains have been less of a hobby now, than as a child, then there were the 4 video game years, in which I spent far too long playing Xbox – mostly Fifa 07 or motor racing games. Then theres Social media, twitter, facebook – is that a hobby or something more all consuming?
What about you?
Do you have 1 or 2 set hobbies that you stick to, or seems to flit around doing lots of different things?
I wonder also, how much trauma and things like ADHD have an effect/impact on this. I can certainly tell when I ‘needed’ hobbies and interests from an emotional/mental health point of view – but probably didn’t realise this at the time, or want to admit it, also I can trace some of the changes of these things as times when I was criticised by emotionally abusive people for doing them, often they didn’t like the ‘mess’, ‘the cost’ ‘the time’ that these things took, and generally making me feel bad for doing them, or having to fight to even do them, despite their criticism.
What about Hobbies and you? Do you have them? Have you just one or two? and what is that you get out of them… someone once said to me, in terms of the things that you choose to do, do things that worship you, or that you get back. Some hobbies give back more than others, I think of how I feel when I reach a milestone cycling and how this compares to the magical moments of nature, or the satisfaction of creating something… some create environments where it becomes difficult to leave them, like football, some are more essential, some are to ‘keep busy’, and not stopping. I wonder also how many of our hobbies and interests are to take us away from the difficult things, and have our mind consumed by something else, which is absolutely fine, but again – what might it be that we’re avoiding?
Often, the people that criticise you for having hobbies, are also the people who dont have them. Part of the criticism is that they’re jealous that you might be happy, or enjoying yourself without them. Part of it too is that they cannot reveal being happy. People make themselves very elusive without hobbies and interests, and impossible to please. And don’t get me started on the people who’s hobby is shopping… (I have a 23 part series on that person, see above) .
Part of this blog is thinking about loud, about Hobbies and interests in our life. Things change as we get older, of course they do, they change because of circumstance, cost and time – Birdwatching and nature emerged for me during the first lockdown – yet it was something that has childhood memories too, or my grandparents. Its a hobby and interest that has therapeutic qualities, as Joe Harkness explores in his book, bird therapy, about watching, about focussing on the present, about being connected to nature, but other hobbies do that too, dont they, like running, cycling etc
So, what about Hobbies for you? How have they helped? How might they heal? How have they changed?
Why do you do them? What do you get out of them? How have they been contentious in relationships?
How long will I enjoy the slow walks, birdwatching, photography and nature? Who knows…
We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming
Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991
That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.
Something clearly resonated.
A song that said something about being together, and alone.
Thats what my family was like.
We are all together, alone.
Growing up alone.
Thats what I had to do.
People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.
People stay away.
There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.
And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house
Monster mother invalidates them.
‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.
Then theres the role playing.
The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.
So people stay away.
But its not just the extended family who stay away.
Within the family – its wholly divided up.
Its the only way a monster maintains their power.
Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty
Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.
And then that leaves me.
Growing up alone.
Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.
Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.
Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.
‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.
So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.
I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.
It is growing up alone.
And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.
The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.
Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.
It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…
I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.
If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.
‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’
Edith Eğer ( The Choice)
I get this.
Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new
Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.
Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.
Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.
I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.
Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?
But what about freedom?
What freedom is there, after trauma?
Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.
What about the freedom to choose to forgive?
The freedom to choose to share our story?
The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?
The freedom to hide?
The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?
The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself
The freedom to feel my own emotions
The freedom to not people please
The freedom to walk out the door
The freedom to have a safe house
The freedom to construct boundaries
The freedom to be able to make decisions
The freedom to not know
The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me
The freedom to choose
The freedom to smile
The freedom to have fun
The freedom to rediscover myself
The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster
and as Edith says:
The freedom to have life
for the first time
Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.
Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’
let that sink in a moment…
And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.
I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.
So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.
‘Look at the Sparrows…….they dont plant or harvest or store food in barns….Can all your worries add a single moment to your life’ (Matthew 6; 26)
‘Look at the Stars……see how they shine for you..’ (Coldplay)
Ive heard a lot of sermons about the Sparrows verses, and usually they are about trust, trusting in God – because its was often about ‘see how your Heavenly Father feeds them -and aren’t you more valuable than the sparrow’ This is the part that would be emphasised.
But what if this wasn’t the point? what if it was about looking, what if it was about the ability to see
To see the sparrow.
To look at it.
So, go on, look at that sparrow outside your window.
Give it a stare.
What do you see?
Maybe its a pigeon on the street as you are sitting at a cafe reading this – look at the pigeon – what do you see?
Just stop for a while, and look at it
Your mind might want to think about all the judgement of the pigeon or ‘boringness’ of the sparrow.. and thats ok, keep looking… and as you do so breathe
Do you see the colours, it wings, the shape of its feet, its eyes, head, and …anything else?
When you look at the sparrow – what are you not looking at? When you give your attention to it – what are you not giving attention to?
In his book ‘Bird Therapy’ Joe Harkness writes, when looking at a Dunnock – a bird often mistaken as a sparrow – ‘I only discovered their beauty, as I took notice’
This isn’t a piece about the merits of birdwatching – its about looking.
Jesus causes me think about the mind of the birds – look at how they do not worry about food – look at how they behave, look at how they feed, look at how they are – look at them – notice them…and
at the same time
stop looking at yourself for a moment.
Look at something that you have no control over, or should have no desire to control
Look at something that is not looking at you judging you, comparing you
Look at something that lives in the now, has patterns of life, that is in the present
just..look…
What if the imperative is that – by looking you focus into the present, the now – and this causes some of the worries to disappear, even momentarily..because.. the mind is somewhere else
Maybe even in 1st Century Palestine there was enough man made stresses, that the act of looking at sparrows was becoming less practiced…as trade and farming increased, and the country was threatened by the Roman Empires.. – in those moments its difficult to remember to look – survival was the instinct..
As we look – we stop
As we look – we are in the present
What about the now
What about the gap in time created by looking
what are you noticing?
What is in the gap?
Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time’
Meister Eckhart
Stay there
Look at the stars – see how they shine for you
Look at them
Do look
Do look up
Force yourself
Look up from the things that are otherwise all around, look up from them
Do you notice how every distraction wants you to not do this?
observe the voices, let them have their say…but dont act on them
carry on looking…
Look…. at the Sparrows – what do you see? What do you see in yourself..as you do?
James Ballantyne 