James Ballantyne

Category: Healing

  • Fake grass and our emotional well being

    I grew up with a small understanding of tools.

    My Dad was, and still is, a very practical man, the shed and garage was full of saw, drills, spanners, screwdrivers, bits of wood, metal, nails, screws, pipes, plastic, levers, sawdust..loads of sawdust and grime , my Dad was a self employed Plumber and heating engineer, and basically everyones favourite repair man in the town.

    We didnt even have a car, we travelled around on a bench in the back of ‘the van’ , shovelled in to a space that in the weekdays was also a home for work bags, tool boxes and the dust sheets. The same tools built and redeveloped our entire house (as well as everyone elses).

    Used in the wrong way tools were harmful, some blades were sharp, some drills too heavy and powerful for even an enthusiastic 7 year old to use, some tools were the wrong ones selected for the job, some tools will make jobs easier, some harder, depending on what you wanted to do. The grass could be cut with scissors, but its not worth it, hand sawing wood at times very hard work, not worth it on some occasions.

    But that kind of makes sense, doesnt it, selecting the right tool for the job, when cutting the grass, making a shelf, wood turning or refitting a gas boiler?

    And the tools we select for finance work or academia or community work – are also honed, cultivated, chosen, practiced and reflected on, for the purposes of the task in hand, to be effective, meaningful, quick, cooperative or productive.

    As some of you may know, and from my other blog (Learning from the Streets) , One of the books I have been reading this year is this one

    The English Pastoral by James Rebanks. Its a true story about the changes in farming in the last 100 years, compared to the previous 1600 years, though there were changes in medieval farming, to rotational farming, and then with the intensity farming with the development of fertilisers, chemicals and so called efficiency. Do have a read. Its ultimately fascinating.

    One of the things he says towards the end of the book, and throughout is that farming is precedented on the ongoing quality of the soil and how this affects everything, crop growth, wildlife and ecosystems, all of which are important for the present and future.

    But what he concedes is that one of the principle tools that has brought the most disaster, ecologically, is the one piece of equipment that farming has relied on for centuries.

    The Plough.

    The plough breaks open the soil, exposes it to the harsh realities of the weather, disrupts nutrients and ecosystems. Its a staggering thing to admit for farmers (p239), it’s like saying that church buildings are harmful for Clergy or calculators for economists.

    So in understanding about the need for the quality for soil to be preserved that new, or maybe older ways of farming, and a change of tools is required.

    In our understanding of soil – there is a requirement, for a number of reasons to change the tools – if we want to restore, preserve and maintain the health of the soil. If farming pushes on regardless with chemicals, responding to profits and supermarket demands, the tools are items of destruction. But only if different motivations about the meaning of life, and the countryside and ecology are changed.

    So, what about us? As individuals? As Men..specifically?

    What about Emotional tools, rather than the physical ones?

    If our life is about the ‘bottom dollar’, work and efficiency – what might be the cost? And what tools do we use in dealing with emotions, when money and profit are the main motivation.

    I can say, that diverting, distraction, hiding, pretending were the tools I used for emotions, because that was the only option I had. They were the only emotional tools I had in my tool box.

    What are the tools you’re using, that without realising are causing long term harm? Is putting off dealing with difficult emotions your way of coping ? is it go through the motions of work, drink, sport, sleep and back to work again without any recognition of being a person with emotions – unless its about getting drunk and being angry? In the same way you might re decorate a room – what parts of you need some attention? Whats the quality of your soil like? Full of life? or dry? barren, lifeless?

    What damage was that doing to me? What damage might it be doing to you?

    Did I value the very thing all life stemmed from, the soil of my heart, my soul or mind? Did I love myself? What part of me was being destroyed – for the sake of what?

    Tools may have been given to us as children growing up, explicitly or implicitly about how to grow up, what was expected of us, what rules to keep, what to value, what to not – and for some of us those tools may well have been the suitable ones for life and to enjoy it, but thats not the case for everyone, when my therapist asked me what guidance I had growing up from my parents, I struggled – I knew what not to have done after the event, but tools for life? hmm not so sure

    We might still reach for the wrong tool, without knowing other tools are even available – new pain experienced, old tool grabbed for. Same pain or experience, same tool, same pattern, same again…and its ok…start to see the pattern…

    What tools did you receive – when dealing with emotions – that without realising are damaging you? Which are you trying to deny space to work and deal with? Are you avoiding? Are you digging a hole with the wrong tool? Or trying to cover over the cracks with a temporary grass , that looks good, but is ecologically disaster ?

    Other people, even those close to us, are giving us nods and hunches all the time that we have stuff to unlearn, to see differently, to have the nudge to change – they see things we dont always. A new tool might be required for a moment, that we might default into distract or divert, deny or depress – when it might be better to accept, to feel, to open up, to listen, to respond. Fear might keep us using old tools, loving ourselves, and others might help us to pick a new tool out of the toolbox, its not a hammer with a blunt edge, but a delicate chisel, to sculpt, shape, mould, gently.

    New growth in a farm without a plough takes time. Its the same as dig free allotment gardening. But, nature does recover. It just need humans to help it, not destroy it.

    Maybe its time to realise the damage of our old toolkit, thank it for what it brit, made and kept safe, but a new us requires new tools. Theres pain in throwing out the old equipment that served us well, but maybe its time for something new. What of your behaviours feels like the plough? And maybe thats the one to talk about, to be vulnerable about, to seek professional help about, maybe its time to put the nutrients into the soil and grow from goodness and depth.

    100th Post!

    Thank you for reading and sharing and liking my written work here on Healing for Men – ive just noticed that this is my 100th piece, so, I just wanted to thank you for all your encouragement and support. If you would like to make a small gift contribution please do click the link on the right. Thank you all

  • On Praise of the Men who

    On Parise of the men who

    are trying to keep it together men,

    The staying strong for others men,

    The ones about to break men,

    The ones whose needs come second, third or fourth,

    The men who dont lash out or damage.

    The men who listen and ask,

    The men who say, sorry and Ill change men,

    The men who create space for others men,

    The men who cheer the women men,

    The men who challenge the expectations men,

    The men who protect their women men,

    Those who continually self reflect and grow men,

    Those who know their frailty men,

    Who are aware of their strength – but dont use it men.

    The step aside for women men

    The calling out bullshit men

    The challenge other men men

    A shout out to the men who aren’t afraid to

    go to therapy men

    The men who

    face their own reality

    The men who do kind

    The men who make the world a better place for others men

    The men who show up

    The men who value integrity

    The men who dont blame others for what they did or didn’t do men

    The men who dont stir up swirling drama

    The silent types often, whose kindness knows no praise

    The men who bring colour and spark and life to the world

    The men whose word and work brings healing, truth and vibrancy

    In praise of the men who stand up for justice – and get attacked for it men

    The men who do vulnerable – for their own good, but cost too

    So, on International Mens Day

    Praise to the men who, give men a good name

    Thank you.

    For being you.

  • On Shame, Vulnerability and Faith – the experience of women – a conversation to listen and learn from

    On Shame, Vulnerability and Faith – the experience of women – a conversation to listen and learn from

    Two of my last posts have been about Shame and Vulnerability, and in particular the areas of shame that may be more prevalent in Men, given societal expectations.

    So theres Shame that men feel.

    Theres also Shame that men create – that Women feel, that women carry and hide that affects them.

    In the industries run by men, that perpetuate shame – to control to to make money.

    In the faith industries run by men, cultivated by men – that damage, wound and inflict shame.

    We have a responsibility, given, that we create society.

    If you hadn’t started to listen to Women, and their stories of how shame affects them, in faith contexts, in society – then maybe its time to.

    Not deny it, not to reject it – but to stop and listen

    And recognise, deeply, our part in this, and to do something about it

    So I share with you a personal, warm, honest, sometimes sweary video below of my partner Christelle, and our friend Marie, – both previously evangelical Christians, both had been in ministry, both in their 40’s in western society.

    Do watch, and listen,

    What surprises you? What do you learn? what might you change as a result? What has to change?

    Healing ourselves is about being open to listen, about acknowledging the pain we’ve inflicted, and making amends – to do better.

    Please do put comments below, like and share the video , ill put the link below too.

    The link is here https://youtu.be/xsqDC0Q4OrE

    I would like to add that if you are interested in exploring the subject of Shame, Trauma and Christianity even further then further reading on this can be found by Karen O Donnell and Sally Nash in the UK, and Serene Jones, Shelley Rambo in the US – they have , in the last 20 years, began to write on shame, trauma and theology. It is worth a look, do follow Karen on social media for details of studying this subject in the UK too.

  • What have I done to deserve this? Salvation through The Pet Shop boys (Healing and Recovery Part 11)

    What is the music that saves you? That carries you?

    Is it music that makes you dance in the kitchen – despite the ‘rain’ or pain?

    Is it music that soothes?

    Is it music that takes you to that place of joy?

    I recently started a conversation on twitter titled ‘ what is the music that got or gets you through the difficult times? ‘

    Many genres were shared, from ballad, blues, jazz, classical – and pop and rock, it was one of my most popular conversations starters on twitter, and showed to me, probably unsurprisingly, how much music plays a part in our lives – notably the shit times

    (im not on twitter at the moment, so cant recall all of them) But if you’re reading this and want to add your own – do put it below – theres no judgement at all – if it gets you through, it works for you, thats all that matters. (and do share this piece on twitter if you’re reading this and want to, and enjoy the conversation on music too)

    So – what about me?

    Firstly im not going to talk about music growing up for me, it represents the same childhood pattern – of implicitly having to stick to ‘christian music’ – for fear of those parents and disapproval – and also being compliant. I remember turning up to my gap year training and having only christian worship music to count on as my recent CD purchase. Then again in 1996 I really didnt like Oasis….

    Anyway, fast forward a few years – and it was probably only after spending more time with young people that my music taste may have got better, and maybe that 2000-2007 wasnt that bad for half decent guitar based music – forget the rest…

    It didnt heal though and some of it was dreary, Snow Patrol im looking at you.

    What was the music that featured in my healing and recovery?

    Was it guitars and emo-rock?

    Was it 1970’s ballads?

    Was it 1990’s brit pop?

    Or 2000’s R’n’B?

    Or Gospel ?

    Nope.

    It was that music that I rejected from my own childhood.

    For, in the home of my friend who gave me hospitality for 6 months was a CD player in the kitchen. And a rack of CD’s.

    And mainly only 1980’s pop music.

    Beach boys, Erasure (I secretly liked Erasure in my teens) and others… but what I didnt need, looking back, was the music of requited love – what I needed was to go to the dark places – to get angry.

    I needed music that gave me strength to think that I wasnt to blame.

    Music to think and believe that I deserve better.

    Music to fist pump to, and also to give me language of what I had been through.

    Music that also somehow connected with talking to my personal shame

    It was music that felt rebellious

    Music that told a story that there was hope.

    When I think of my darkest place, and the music that carried me through, music that I played almost non stop for 6-8 months, it was The Pet Shop Boys.

    Yes, I have my friend and his Pet Shop Boys CD to thank.

    For that was part of my recovery – singing strong songs with a 1980’s pop beat.

    I wondered about writing the lyrics down to ‘what have I done to deserve this?’ but irony doesnt really get reflected in the words alone.

    So, here are the words to The Pet Shops song Its a Sin:

    {Twenty seconds and counting
    T-minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay}
    When I look back upon my life
    It’s always with a sense of shame
    I’ve always been the one to blame
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place, I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to
    It’s a sin
    At school they taught me how to be
    So pure in thought and word and deed
    They didn’t quite succeed
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to
    It’s a sin
    Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
    Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
    Whatever you taught me, I didn’t believe it
    Father, you fought me, ’cause I didn’t care
    And I still don’t understand
    So I look back upon my life
    Forever with a sense of shame
    I’ve always been the one to blame
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to, it’s a sin
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione
    Verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

    And whilst this song for the Pet Shop Boys has one meaning – it was a song that helped me start get angry, and sing through the sin and shame culture id grown up with and in, and finding it easy to go into self loathing.

    So, for me it was the music of The Pet Shop Boys that was another part of my rebuild.

    Strange thing, that right now as I write this, and I listen to their POPART album, its easily over a year since I last listened to it, and maybe thats sometimes what music can be too. It arrives when we need it, and we move on from it. Im only listening now as it feels right to listen as I write this.

    What about you? Whats the song, the music that journeys with you through the storms?

    Do share below in the comments – id love to hear!

    And if you want a listen, here’s the Pet Shop Boys, back in the late 1980’s, not sure if ill appear below…

  • How does Shame hold you?

    How does Shame hold you?

    ‘When we (Men) reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us… and dont tell me from the guys…but from the women in our lives

    So I started interviewing men and..

    You show me a woman who can sit with a man with real vulnerability – ill show you a woman who has done incredible work

    You show me a man who can sit with a woman who has got to the end of her tether and his first response isn’t ‘I unloaded the dishwasher’ but he really listens – because thats what we need – then ill show you a guy whose done a lot of work

    Shame is an epidemic in our culture

    To find our way back to ourselves in our culture we have to find out how it affects us, the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other

    When asked what the things men have to do to conform with male norms in culture, research showed the following:

    • Always show emotional control
    • Make work a Primary goal
    • Pursue Status
    • Violence

    The antidote to shame is empathy, if you put shame in a petrie dish it goes away.

    Shame needs three things to grow exponentially, secrecy, silence and judgement – it can’t survive with empathy.

    If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.

    It may be seductive to stand outside the arena, when im perfect and bulletproof…but that never happens, we bring ourselves as we are to the battle ‘

    (Brene Brown, TED Talk 2012 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

    I have spent the last week digging deep reflecting on vulnerability and shame, on guilt, on myself – and this brought me to the point of actually reading or watching something of Brene Brown, a name that to me had been only a social media meme, or someone who I hadn’t got around to yet.

    So I watched her two TED talks over the weekend. Whilst there’s so much to reflect on in full. Its these last few comments about Men that I highlighted above, that I felt it appropriate to share here.

    Lets look again. For a man in society to live up to cultural norms (in a US based research) it involves

    Emotional Control

    Primacy of work

    Status

    Violence.

    So shall we ask the question – do you agree or disagree?

    Or a better one – have you felt shame in not fulfilling these things?

    Or another – how much effort does it take to ‘go against’ them?

    What does shame feel like for you?

    Are you expected to be ‘in emotional control’ – around others who lose their shit – so what place do your feelings have?

    when was the last time you cried? When was the last time you cried, in front of your partner?

    Are you expected to work until – well until you are sick? Because you are meant to? Is your life about success at all costs?

    Status and power – Have felt the pressure or shame for not taking on that promoted role, or that position?

    Violence – Dont be the victim of bullying, stand up for yourself… fight back… – win at all costs ?

    Which of these resonates for you? Or might it be something else?

    If im honest I was shocked by these 4 things, especially Violence, but then whats the method in which superheroes win in films? or in video games? (as one example) – and it worried me that these were revealed as expectations and then areas in which Men might feel shame about, and realised that even if we dont think all apply to us – we can still carry shame because of just one of these areas.

    Maybe lets pause for a moment and reflect on the shame that we carry.

    What is it, and what is it doing to us that is likely to be unhealthy.

    What subliminal message about expectations and shame are we passing onto our children? What have we inhabited? What does shame and vulnerability mean for us, as men?

    I had to admit something to my partner Christelle the other day, she knows me as someone who is wise, clever, reads, who likes nature, adventures, travel and food, who is in work that involves justice, poverty and faith. I had to admit something, that feels like a guilty secret, in comparison of all these noble, creative, wise activities about me.

    And that was my also my following of sport. Specifically the capitalist business model team that is Manchester United – a team I supported since I was 8. My guilty pleasure, out in the open. But it felt almost shameful. Not liking football could be seen as odd in the UK, but that I support ‘that’ team (and not just because of recent results) seems so out of character with so many parts of me that I stand for. Though this felt trivial it wasnt in a way. It was a tiny bit of vulnerability on my part, a part of me that I often feel shame about, and hide, as it makes me feel less perfect, less with integrity, interested in something ‘trivial’. Though it sounded trivial, it still felt like a thing I felt shame about.

    In another example : I had to take a covid test today, like so many of us in the last 2 years – but can you remember how it was ‘shameful’ to admit getting this disease? Shame and blame in culture… – and yes I am writing this post whilst dosed up on lemsips and a bag full of tissues to hand – and the test has come back negative…

    Maybe thats the thing with shame and vulnerability – its about giving ourselves away, to hope that we’ll be loved despite our imperfections, and take a risk – where its safe to do so.

    So to the Men who might read this – what might shame and being vulnerable mean to you – what are you scared of, or afraid of?

    What cultures in work, or religious groups, make it even easier to hold on to shame- where our real lives can be hidden away for pretence or expectation – to not be our real selves..pretending…

    It might be time to bring it out of the secrecy, silence and judgement.

    Do the expectations of emotional control, stays, work and violence affect you? – in what ways?

    Is it one of these things more than the others? And who and how might you begin to expose the layers of some of the wounds of shame and let them go, in a way like Matt Haig describes below:

    Imagine forgiving yourself completely. The goals you didnt reach. The Mistakes you made -(the choices that you made even). Instead of locking those flaws inside to define and repeat yourself, imagine letting your past float through your present and away like air through a window, freshening a room. Imagine that.

    Matt Haig (The Comfort Book)

    Of course, the other side of this is those who feel no shame, the tiny proportion, but still large number who might be considered sociopathic. Shame is part of being human, part of being a human that is more whole and humane.

  • Healing for Men; 1 Year Update

    Hey folks, I just wanted to write a piece about what’s been happening with me in the last few weeks and months as Ive realised that my writing on this blog has dried up a little.

    One of the things that ive realised all along with keeping a blog like this going, keeping it interesting, honest and thought provoking – is that the subject matter , myself, can then take a bit of an emotional toll. I began to notice that some of the things I was talking about, i was struggling to actually do, and I was writing more than I was actually doing the hard graft to rebuild after trauma itself.

    I also realised that I was sometimes veering on being too vulnerable about myself, wanting to share my story, share my healing journey, share my learning – like it was a new toy, like I was a new toy – with you all – but what that meant was giving myself away in a way that actually was something that I didnt and don’t need to do, in fact , in thinking about boundaries, about self care, maybe I shouldn’t.

    Part of me too, was and is enjoying some new reading recently, reading that has given me some different insights on spirituality and recovery, and though its relevant I haven’t really focused on healthy spirituality in this blog too much and didnt want to share, yet.

    So I kind of stopped for a bit on the personal writing front.

    I also stopped because I just wanted a break as well. I stopped also because I wanted to spend more time doing, living and being me – and also time with my partner Christelle who came over to the UK for a week, a few weeks ago, and it was great to be present, to be together, and to be very much off my laptop, social media or anything for a few weeks.

    I have also just started a Level 2 course in Counselling, and this has taken up a bit of my head space, the time of one evening a week plus the homework, and though its not too heavy a commitment, it is taking up, usefully some of my ‘non working’ time. Its a small step, but one that feels like im on a long path to further personal and professional development, within healing, trauma and what ive taken on board in the last few years. This too is a bit of a reason why I haven’t written for a while, somehow even small amounts of study writing at the moment are taking up a bit of emotional writing headspace.

    I have always said, I would love to have other contributions from others who may want to share their story, of men talking about emotional and mental health, about the challenges that can be in professional and personal contexts, and the situations and family dynamics that we may want to shed light on, like parental or sibling abuse. Please do get in touch if you have a subject, a story, a piece that you would like to share.

    I close by saying

    Because, this blog has now been going for one year, and I am honoured that you have read pieces that describe some very difficult situations, some of my pain. some of my journey, and I am even more pleased that as a result you, or friends of yours have become more aware of relationship dynamics and started a process of healing through therapy and recovery.

    Even with an almost 1 month break ive published 90 pieces on this blog, at nearly 2 a week, It was time I did slow down… but thank you for reading, sharing, liking and appreciated what ive written in the year!

    There is no easy way to avoid dealing with the things we have had to go through. We have to go through them. Often death and resurrection are two sides of the same coin, or as I recently read in Eckhart Tolle – Despair and Enlightenment can often go hand in hand on the same path. If something I have written has caused you to see, even in the despair and brought you closer to enlightenment then thats so good. I hope so, and if you want to share, please do. Do send me a note or comment!

    Can I promise more writing? Yes – im sure there will be, and my writing has emerged in bursts… but thats all for now, and so thank you, remember that you are valuable, that you do not have to pretend, to pretend to be the strong one, and also – if you cannot stop yourself from being ‘out of control’ and blaming others – then that can change too. Healing for men is about the ongoing awareness and healing for us all, regardless of what it is from.

  • Its time to realise our wonderful bodies

    My body is wonderful

    And so is yours

    Have you ever noticed?

    Said those words, to yourself?

    Thought of your body as wonderful? Just as it is?

    Its no more wonderful larger, smaller, fitter, leaner, younger or older

    Because it is wonderful, just as it is.

    Have you ever noticed? Or stopped to?

    Then do so

    Why not try now?

    As you read this, with your mind open, wriggle your toes

    Feel your bones move, each one

    Your ankle and foot

    What is happening in your body as you wriggle your toes?

    Can you feel the movement? Can you tell?

    Your body is so wonderful it doesn’t tell you what it has to do every time you wriggle your toes

    or walk

    Every bone, cartridge, joint, muscle, tendon, all the fluids and skin

    As you read, your eyes watching, feelings deep within.

    That you can hear the noise of traffic outside as you do so

    your mind wondering

    did you forget your toes? Wriggle them again

    wriggle them fast, slow, and feel.

    Seems ridiculous doesnt it

    but thats the point

    To feel our bodies.

    Why is ridiculous? We all have them, bodies. (unless you’re a robot reading this, and you’ve been made by a body)

    What else about your body is wonderful….

    all of it

    Trying to escape from them, keeps the pain in them

    Tormenting the body, to feel pain

    Shame, blame, pain locked deep within, a carcass we thought nothing of.

    Our bodies are wonderful

    For what they are

    Sense it, enjoy it, feel it

    Its easy to forget, our body

    As just a tool to house our ever thinking mind

    As just a tool to pummel in the gym or working the land

    A tool to create life

    Reducing our body to a machine.

    As men, our gaze is often outwards to see the beauty in the female form

    But what about ourselves?

    Or the physical specimens of the sportsters and athletes, and we feel we cannot compare.

    So lets not.

    Lets give our bodies more healthy attention.

    Yes yours, and mine.

    A body so beautiful and complex, we will never understand, but we don’t need to

    Bodies housing all that shame, expectation, fear, guilt and pain, its no wonder we think so little of them.

    Undervalued by religion, the object of advertisers desires.

    Your body is wonderful, and so is mine.

    What it does and how it is held together, and how it thinks, feels, sense and communicates.

    Its never to late to start to love yourself for who you are, not just what you do, accomplish or create, but who you are, body included.

    Awaken the love of your body, listen to it breathe, feel it as it moves.

    Breathe life into it, feed it time, not just food.

    Treasure it, love it.

    Do the ridiculous thing, and think of yourself as having a wonderful body

    Try it…

    Stop reading…

    Wriggle your toes…and smile.

    And realise, just wonderful your body is.

    Though if you wanted to read more on this, try The Body keeps the Score by Van Der Kolk, or The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

  • Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Its ok for men to cry

    Is said often. But I was wondering whether its said too often, without any thought about the complexity of this.

    I wonder if it’s said too easily.

    I wonder if women need to hear this message too.

    So its not just men who need to hear that its ok to cry.

    But its not just ok for men to cry. It should be ok for men and women to express their emotions.

    It should be ok, but often it isnt.

    Its not just men that have trouble expressing emotions.

    Its not just men but women too who have been unable to express emotions because its has been unsafe too, since birth often.

    Cant get them out.

    Cant show them

    Cant be seen to be not in control

    Cant be ‘not the stable one’

    Cant be the one who has to rely on others

    Cant be the one that doesn’t look like they are coping.

    Cant be the one who is vulnerable

    Cant be the one who isnt holding things together

    Because. Men do cry.

    They cry when their team gets relegated.

    They cry at movies

    They cry.. with other men, when..everyone is crying.

    So they do cry.

    But maybe its that we men find it difficult to cry about something relating to ourselves, or..in front of the people who we’re meant to be responsible for, emotionally.

    Its not as straight forward as to say that its ‘Ok for men to cry’ – we need to ask why, and not blame men if they cant

    Tears are good- and it shouldn’t be judgemental for men to cry

    Its ok to acknowledge and feel the pain, when it hurts

    In fact, we need to feel it.

    Feel the pain of being unloved, neglected or abused, by parents or partner

    Feel the pain of death, grief and loss

    Feel the pain of bereavement, unemployment, and yes the disappointment of the football team.

    Its ok to feel

    Its never ok to take that feeling out on others.

    thats why we need to feel the feeling differently, by feeling it.

    Want to be a strong man? Then manage your emotions and self.

    Its not ok to try and hold things together whilst wounding everyone around.

    So…let me ask..

    Who were your emotionally aware role models? When were you given the opportunity to begin to master your emotions healthily?

    I wasnt – but were you?

    Not until therapy a few years ago.

    Where might you start now? A therapist? A book like ‘The Power of now’ – its just a start remember..but maybe start..

    Men, its ok to have emotional needs, and wants and to admit it – as it is for Women too

    Its ok to stop and feel

    Its more than ok.

    Its more than ok and be the best version of you, that is real, that feels, from deep

    Its ok to let your body feel. To let it well up, and start to feel it.

    Maybe its not that Men, or women are ok to cry – but more to clock where and when they do.

    There are those who really cant though, and if you’ve followed my stories above, you wouldn’t be surprised to know that some peoples tears ive seen are crocodile at best.

    Tears cleanse. They release. Bringing out emotion from the heart.

    Maybe thats it too. We’re ok too cry when our team is relegated, but not if we’re heart broken by loss or bereavement.

    Maybe Healing for Men is about realising that those phrases are complicated. Of course its ok that men cry, healing and being the best version of ourselves is about being closer to the pain of our bodies, our emotions, and learning to accept, feel and manage our emotions.

    And yes, often we can be in charge of others emotions, but have barely stopped to deal with our own.

    Maybe its time to not pretend that we’re ok any longer. To avoid, run or try and bulldoze our way through the pain.

    Maybe its time to start working on ourselves

    For our sake. Because we can do better.

    Because we can love ourselves, even if we’re trying to after not being loved.

    We can feel feelings too. I can feel feelings too.

    Learning to cry, and be angry…also means we can feel the happy, the joy and the pleasure alot more easily, and dont you want that in your life too?

    Our emotions can be rollercoasters, and thats ok, staying on a level plane is causing us more pain.

    Take a moment.

    To feel.

    The real you.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 19) The gifts of toxic gratitude

    ‘You’re just so ungrateful – after all I’ve done for you’

    In my previous piece I talked about how my abusive caregiver in the way in which they cooked food, often would create inedible food, that actually could be damaging to eat, making the food so uncomfortable, that expressing gratitude or thanks was an act of fakery.

    But toxic gratefulness wasn’t just food.

    To keep a narrative about being ‘poor’ and working for a faith, and gaining sympathy from people – sympathy they also rejected, my parents specialised in the distribution of valueless, token, ill thought through gifts.

    For 50 years.

    At the time the gifts stunned and often brought tears to us as children, as well as our cousins too. They were countless items over the years – Christmas and Birthdays nearly always were tinged with some level of crushing disappointment. The specific item ‘wanted’ was instead replaced by one that was ‘needed’ without any care or deliberation.

    And as children we were then punished for not being grateful for them.

    It didnt stay as children.

    My wedding present from my parents, was their second hand car, that they then expected us to pay for. They didnt want to give something on the wedding list as it wasnt what they wanted to give, so they didnt actually give anything.

    A fiat Uno , G reg, but black.. that was my first car.

    A few years later they said they wanted to pay for a pushchair/buggy for my oldest child, but in going to pay for it, in Durham mother care, the parent asked about ‘keeping the receipt, in case anything doesn’t work out with the baby’.

    How can you be grateful when you are stunned by the awfulness? And yet, what do you do? In a public place – when they then make a big deal of ‘giving’ the pushchair in front of the till.

    Food has already been mentioned. Though Toxic gratefulness occurred regularly, when theres ‘gifts’ given of food. The open cardboard box of reduced items in the supermarket they scavenged, or were going to waste, that they ‘bring’ – and ‘give’ at the front door. Yeah great.

    The problem with all of this, even now, is that I start to sound ‘ungrateful’

    And that’s it.

    When we dare criticise them for how they have behaved towards us in any way. Not only do they selectively not remember. (and they do this often)

    They hide behind, ‘telling the truth ‘ – I was just telling the truth to the cashier..

    Or

    the ultimate

    ‘You’re just being ungrateful, I did lots of things… you just dont realise how difficult you were’

    ‘You’re just being ungrateful, you have no idea how much I sacrificed for you‘

    Toxic gratefulness. Though there must be a different word for it. It what gets banded out when the abusive one feels under threat, when their generosity is questioned.

    Oh its my fault that you cant be generous now is it?

    or

    ‘You have too high expectations‘ – Well if having awareness and empathy and value for others is ‘too high an expectation’..then..

    or..the classic

    ‘I cant change who I am‘ ; Agreed, but why are you threatened when your awful behaviour is pulled up?

    Because. The truth that they aren’t actually generous would hurt if they could even see themselves. But the reality is, is that they’re in such a deluded reality that they can’t see themselves anyway, not beyond their ego, and how the world is there for their taking and getting.

    So they give minimally or not at all, or with the emotional loading attached like breadcrumbs from the table, or to try and hoover you back into their orbit, by their pretence of ‘being nice’.

    I cant remember the age, but I think it was about 8, the birthday party at my house. the one where I only asked for one thing on the table, I didnt want a cake. I wanted a Black Forest gateaux. (yes it was 1986) They were in a supermarket. They cost £3 probably. Do you think I got one?

    guess again?

    Instead I got a two layer chocolate sponge homemade with some cream and cherry pie filling on it. Glorioulsy announced in front of my friends. Her version.

    Where do you go apart from hide, or want to cry. Our birthdays, were their show.

    ‘Youre too hard on your mum, my friends would say as they laughed the next day at school, that case tasted yum’ It had no taste.

    I didnt want large birthdays or parties, because I didnt want them to be at them. Since 8 (ish) I avoided them.

    That they created birthday scenarios, and invited themselves to them, for both my 18th and 40th, and made everything so uncomfortable , not respecting or listening to me, was another thing. Having said I didnt want something, they did it anyway, because they felt they had the ‘right to’ and I had to be ‘grateful’ for something I didnt want, and be violated.

    I learned to tune out. Go into the survival zone. It was the only way to cope. It’s like a surreal moment when time goes so so slow, every breath takes 40 seconds and your desperate to need to go pee every 2 mins just to get out of there. Its awfulness upon awfulness. Yet smile, as you don’t want to appear grateful, or that this isnt walking on eggshells or all a game that they’re publicly doing. Let’s not be an ungrateful Trophy child.

    Which, by the way, they were rude to the service staff, and I had to pay the tip, for the thing they wanted to do, for my birthday.

    I really do sound ungrateful. Dont I.

    But thats just the thing. Every scenario is insidious, uncomfortable, disrespectful, and example upon example of awful behaviour that wounds, hurts, manipulates, and abuses. To start listing them, makes me out to be bitter. So, where is this kind of thing exposed? Do those who suffer this kind of awfulness from their parents have to suffer in silence?

    Emotional abuse is so difficult to quantify, as is narcissistic abuse.

    The penny drops eventually.

    The penny drops in that you get to realise over a lifetime, that when there are things that might be considered worth being grateful for, they do these things for a show ‘ look at us spoiling you now, dont ask for this again’ and then that gifts are rarely so, the penny drops that they struggle to be generous in gift giving, because they struggle to actually be nice at all. Gifts are to create toxic gratitude. A show for them.

    Its not just the stick that abuses, but the absence of anything resembling warmth, empathy, generosity and kindness. Its a kind of emotional neglect.

    So, when I point out the examples above, they are because these are the stories that are most memorable, but lets not get me started on the myriad of others, or the drip drip of the dementor like taking presence in between.

    Surviving psychopathic parenting, left a lasting effect on me, that over the last year im only beginning to understand. Gratefulness was one of the moral armouries used as a weapon.

    Its hard to write about gratefulness without being… well you know. So no wonder as a child its a weapon.

    What about in your case? Is this something you have experience of?

    Its only when I share the stories that I realise how awful it was. So thats why I share. So that you can start to see and heal too.

    If you’re reading this and its beginning a chain of thoughts in your head about your parents, or partner, then do seek support and a therapist, especially someone who can understand emotional abuse and trauma. There are resources on emotionally immature and narcissistic parenting in the resources section above, do check them out too.

  • How walking helped to heal me

    Maybe each day you should just go for a walk

    Said my friend who I was staying with after leaving the family home in the midst of my breakdown.

    By myself? I thought?

    Without a purpose?

    Just a walk?

    Not just ‘walk the dog’ or walk to a place, or walk to get to something – just a walk?

    Yeah, just go for a walk, it might do you good

    And so I did.

    Virtually every day. The walks I had done before I had done with a dog, the walks I had done before were with headphones in, the walks I had done before had been for work reasons. Distraction. Functional. Escape.

    And at first it was well, a bit awkward. Just going for a walk.

    It was a walk through a small edge of city village, through tunnels and there was the cliffs and the sea.

    But I realised that I liked exploring, and so I did.

    Whilst in the midst of so many clouds, I walked.

    Clouds etched on my face, as below you can see. One of very few photos of me. So much pain on my face, looking back, I was a shadow, grey, hiding, pretending to be ok.

    This was me.

    My friend lived near the sea and the coast, and I started to look a bit closer and enjoy.

    Sometimes I used those walking moments to take photos, to phone friends, to try and work out what was going on in my life, to try and understand.

    Mind all over the place, busy, thinking, clinging on, trying to make sense of the clouds

    Sometimes in those days I wouldn’t be completely present to the space I was in, so I’m not going to say that it was a state of natural bliss as I walked along the north east coastline.

    But I walked

    in my own cloud at times. But I walked.

    Sometimes I walked miles

    Sometimes I walked miles to place where there was a coffee shop on the coast.

    Sometimes I walked in the rain

    I would try and find new routes

    New paths, for me

    Most of the time I preferred to walk in a circle

    Id go early in the morning and get up and see the sunrise

    Other times it would be the sunset

    There was a bench on the cliffs that I could sit on and watch the sea.

    Getting out, by myself.

    Beginning to enjoy my own company.

    Beginning, the glimpses of beginning to sense a change

    Seeing nature. Seeing things. Perspective shifting.

    Tiniest specs of change

    Im not going to sit here a few years later and say that nature was healing me, but I might say that it was the beginning of something.

    Fresh air…the opportunity to breathe, when friends on the phone were saying breath, my air was coastal and by the sea.

    I could slow down. With no pressure or expectation. I could explore, get lost in the caves.

    Enjoy coffee

    Take a book even.

    And just be.

    Sit on a pebble and watch the sea.

    Sit and look at the pebble.

    Watch as others walked with their dogs.

    Eat bramble.

    Throw a pebble into the sea.

    Getting hot, too many clothes, or cold with too little, trying to get back before it got dark

    Maybe even finding the pub on the way back, or the old bits of railway nearby, that evoked that childhood railway joy

    The pub with the railway name too, and pictures

    Talking to strangers in the pub. Talking to strangers with their dogs

    Me, walking.

    There was always something to find, something to see. An angle on life that I hadn’t noticed before.

    And I was noticing.

    Todays tide was different, the sea was different, the cloud colour was different. No two walks ever the same. the world is different, and so was I.

    I was enjoying what I saw, and it was healing to the wounded soul.

    I went almost every day.

    I was bruised, hurt, confused, and yet walking was doing something, nature was doing something, my eyes were doing something.

    Something was starting to awaken.

    The silence of the sky, the crash of the waves, they took me away. Took me to the present.

    A walk will do you good.

    It did. Its the same for all of us..isnt it?

    And now I still walk, we all did during lockdown, dont you remember.

    We walked and sometimes stopped to see, to feel, to notice, that the world was bigger, and more beautiful outside.

    And that we are all wondering like strangers on beach, trying to find our way home, but doing it outside not trapped inside.

    I still walk, and now I have a better camera. I still walk and sometimes notice, and still walk and forget to.

    I sometimes walk and forget to take myself along, as im elsewhere distracted by the noise of the world. That sometimes I have to be reminded to stop.

    And be me.

    And notice.

    Notice the colour, notice the sky, notice the flower, the bird in the air.

    Just see it for what it is.

    Walking in amongst the industrial landscape, beautiful rugged, panoramic Teeside, walking along the beach, walking with myself.

    Taking myself out for a walk.

    Not just going for a walk, but taking myself, me, out.

    Nature was healing me, and helping me to see.

    As I walked, as I saw, as I felt awe and gratitude for what I could see

    Snippiets of moments where my mind could stop.

    Now I look, and look intently, and the colour, the movement, the scene, watching the eyes of the birds or dragonflies move.

    A walk gives me chance to see the possibility of something that helps me see the work differently, gives me the possibility of stopping, and focussing on something, whether its the camera or the binoculars, to see the world in detail, the smallest detail of the wings of a dragonfly

    and be captivated in a moment.

    Go for a walk it will do you good

    I rarely return from a walk feeling less calm that when I started.

    Something has usually given me joy.

    Something in me often has shifted.

    Walking might be my body way of doing natural EMDR, the treatment my therapist showed me and helped me to do.

    Step by step.

    Heart beat.

    As I walk, dont think…feel.

    Feel and walk at the same time. Sense it, sense the feeling like im sensing the sky.

    Feel alive, feel bliss, feel me.

    Sometimes a walk is just a walk.

    Its when I take myself out for a walk

    that I start to notice me.