James Ballantyne

Category: Self awareness

  • Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    In my last piece I shared a little about how we love ourselves through healing, what it means to be kind on ourselves, as we do so, forgiving our missteps, not over dwelling on the tiny attempts to try that fail in the bigger picture of overall healing. Today I have come across this concept. Post Traumatic Growth, after reading this tweet.

    The staggering thing for me is that this is only 10%.

    But then again, I realise that looking back how many times in the last 10 years I ignored the warning signs. How scared I was to try and deal with things that I couldn’t describe. How I thought I could just ‘keep going’ and be ok (a trauma response in itself).

    Thats me overthinking to the point where it was ‘safer’ and ‘easier’ to stay stuck, swirling in the muck of abusive relationships.

    Healing is undoubtedly about growing, and changing. As you change, others around you either do, or dont, and reveal themselves through their actions (even if their words say something different).

    And to anyone reading this, especially, but not exclusively men, – lets not be afraid to change, and become a better version of ourselves.

    That ‘self-help’ guru that you dismissed in your criticism, that you now have to admit is right… thats ok. Humble pie is good, when it means that you are healing too.

    That breakdown, that illness, that continual knowing ache… might be the sign and symptom that is trying to tell you something, that something isn’t right, and a reason to stop.

    One of the key factors in helping me to grow, was that 2 of the friends who walked with me through the easiest time had also been through therapy, had also experienced what I had in different ways. They were the wise guides, showing me paths that I could take (though never forcing it).

    I recognise some of myself in this article. I have been relentlessly optimistic about my own capacities since I was about 11 and a strong, if coherent, sense of self, even in the difficult times, and doing lot of practical and written tasks to keep going, though I also know that my coping styles were avoidance , not wanting to deal with things. Maybe thats a key one for us all.

    Learning to turn around and face the trauma.

    To name it, see it, and understand it for what it is.

    To deal with the root thats been nagging away.

    It was for me. Maybe it is for you.

    Theres definitely no sense of ‘look at me ive made it’ as I write, dealing with trauma is an ongoing struggle, healing and recovery takes time, and requires so many new, daily moments of inner work. Its too simple to say ‘What doesnt kill you makes you stronger’, too trite. As in this piece..

    But as stories and literature often reveal, it is possible not only to recover from trauma, but to actually grow from it and flourish. Suffering has long been romanticized in literature, art, and folklore as transformative and empowering. There is an element of truth to this concept. But it needs to be looked at more closely. Simply experiencing suffering and trauma does not guarantee that you will become a better, stronger person for it. This attitude is a trite and irresponsible one that men for centuries have used as an excuse to abuse their children in the name of “toughening them up.”

    From Growth and Recovery through trauma in Psychology Today

    Also, this isnt trying to say that ‘if you do this, X happens’ , for me the growth happened in the process and took a lot of work. It’s not a promise, but it could be a new reality. Its about how to rethink the abuse, how to put ourselves in the centre of our lives, and this takes significant effort.

    Right now, approximately 50% of you who have experienced trauma are reading this and saying, “I’m supposed to be grateful for all the crud that happened to me? Each day, I struggle for even a modicum of what other people take for granted. There’s no amount of ‘growth’ that can stop me wishing this hadn’t been my life.”

    Post-traumatic growth is not a given. We’re not going to gloss over the long arduous road to recovery from trauma that for the most part does not feel victorious or courageous for those who are on it. However, at least 50% of survivors have found that they can begin to define themselves and their communities by their strengths and that in no small way these strengths have been forged by adversity.

    Taken from https://www.echotraining.org/the-promise-of-post-traumatic-growth-part-ii/

    “Out of the hottest fire comes the strongest steel.” – Chinese proverb

    My hope is that this piece is an encouragement to you. Not a burden of expectation. My hope is that it causes you to see what can be possible, what is possible. We dont choose the trauma we have experienced, but we can start t choose how we heal from them, how we live our lives from and beyond them. In the midst of it all, tiny shoots of green start to appear. They may be tender. They may be small. But they are there.

    Additionally: Since 2020 its not just a personal thing, trauma, whilst we have all experienced the effects of Covid in different ways, how we rebuild from it, healthily may have something to do with what our reactions have been during it, this piece on ‘Why PTG might be what we all need in 2021′ has some helpful insights in it.

  • Healing started with me…

    I was ok

    It’ll be ok

    Ive always survived

    Ill get through this

    Another thing to get through

    Im ok

    But I wasnt

    I was hiding

    I was pretending to say things were ok

    Whilst parts of me were screaming

    and wanting me to face them

    But ill keep running

    or saying things will be fine

    or denying

    pretending

    making myself look as if im ok

    My red flags.

    My codependancy

    My trauma response

    My fear

    My hiding

    Running

    That monster is too difficult

    Its too big

    I don’t want to face it

    Id rather avoid

    run

    I had to change

    I had to face the reality

    I had to

    I

    Healing started with me

    not trying to run, hide, deny

    But to say

    I need help

    I dont know what to do

    I cant do this on my own

    I dont understand

    What I relied on doesnt work here

    Healing started with me.

    My insides

    That had burned

    That I had denied

    That were screaming to get out

    But id ran from the pain

    Healing started with me

    the stuff that would mean difficult choices

    the stuff that would mean I would have to be real

    No

    Please dont make me face

    that

    stop

    rest

    Healing started with me

    Not you, not everyone else

    not trying to survive

    but realising

    that

    life

    could be different

    life was possible

    real

    feelings

    I am

    loved

    worthy

    worth the effort to be real

    Me.

    Healing started with me.

    What did I need ?

    Who arrived to heal and carry me?

    Love me.

    Heal me.

    Be actual me.

    Healing started with me.

  • The Power of Story: Healing through Harry Potter

    The Power of Story: Healing through Harry Potter

    ‘Why are you reading those, they’re just children books’

    I once said to my late friend Bex Lewis about 7 years ago, and then I sat with her and watched a scene of one of the films, one with dementors in, I think. Fast forward a few years and my daughter Anna proposed that we watch the films as part of what was a family tradition then, movie night. I think I fell asleep in some of them, maybe all.

    At the age of 43 I have just finished reading the Harry Potter books for the first time.

    It was as if I wasn’t ready to see what I needed to see in them.

    At the weekend I finished reading the last book of the Harry Potter series. Its taken me 18 months to read them all.

    On one hand Harry Potter has accompanied me through the time of the Pandemic, so far. It has also accompanied me as I have processed significant family abuse and also the death of my grandmother last year.

    I remember once reading that JK Rowling grew up as Harry grew and developed in her own writing of the novels, to me there is no doubt that Harry undergoes significant internal processing and healing throughout the books, in a way that I didn’t encounter in other mythical hero stories such as Lord of the Rings or Narnia.

    What I saw in Harry was a boy who struggled to express the truth in the face of his abusers – and yet when he was able to it was no relief, it was exhausting.

    What I saw in Harry was a co-dependent child who suffered physical and neglectful abuse – who was desperate to please, and had instincts to be the hero – a default that those who were evil could manipulate.

    What I saw in Harry was that not everyone experiences Trauma the same, I think the Boggarts in the wardrobe is a fascinating section.

    What I saw in Harry was someone who understood what it was like to grow up alone, and to have to grow up fast in that space.

    What I saw in Harry Potter was also stuff about friendship, power, structures, rules and community.

    So it isn’t ‘just’ a children book – but you all knew this already.

    Its a myth, a parable, a story, its a healing story that I believe could only be written by someone who had experience of abuse, from family, and relationships, someone who describes what narcissistic behaviour looks, and feels like

    The air felt cold and lifeless, as if it had everything sucked out of it

    I thought reading Harry Potter would be the relaxing read to partner with reading the self help books and undergoing trauma therapy. What it was actually was, was a story that revealed what I needed to heal from.

    Maybe its me and that I struggle to stop thinking – or maybe its that I identified with Harry from virtually the first page. It wasnt far into the second book when the extent of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child was beginning to be revealed to me. I could see myself as Harry in a way that I had never identified with the Hobbits, or Edward or Peter as they looked in the wardrobe.

    I wrote in a previous pieces about how I began to feel that the universe was calling and directing the process of healing in me, especially in being open to see them, some of those healing particles were discovered in the Harry Potter series.

    David Macadams writes that we adopt stores to live our lives by, setting ourselves into a narrative that causes us to have purpose and identity.

    Karen Armstrong writes that we are mythical beings and that the literary writers of the last 150 years have been those who have engaged our mythical nature in a way that the religious stories of our historic past have been reduced to moral making.

    I wouldn’t say that reading Harry Potter was a healing experience, by the time I finished the last one I was drained and exhausted. But what it did do was help me see. There is great power in story, as it weaves its magic wand to reveal its mysteries.

    I was reminded about how fearful some parts of the church were/are about Harry Potter. Its unlikely that the reasons for this were from a position of having not read it. For, its not the magic that evangelicals should fear, its that churches and structures are revealed in the story to be manipulated, controlling and abusive. Its the magic that overcomes, a deeper magic. Its a book about revealing the truth, about revealing abuse.

    But its also a book that reinforces the view that children are still alone. Adults fleeting offer a combination of support (Mrs Weasley) , fun (Hagrid), wisdom (Dumbledore, and in a lesser way McConagall), paternal substitute (Sirius) , but in the face of the many struggles to overcome, none are ultimately comepletely effective, responsible, true, or fair. Maybe that is the point, maybe that’s the reality, but it does cause me to question where children and young people might find, and see models and examples of responsible, protective, emotionally healthy adults in their lives. They see glimpses of it in Harry Potter, and clues are given away by those adults to offer glimpses, but in the main the three (and the other supporting children, Ginny, Henry, George, Luna, Seamus, Neville etc) are those who have to put the complete jigsaw together, and have the agency on them to overcome. Then again, if there was such a character, there would be no need for Harry, Ron and Hermione to have to do what they had to do.

    At times reading Harry Potter I felt extraordinarily emotional. I think I cried on a number of occasions, I was also triggered at times too. All of that is a good thing. Stories have the power to reveal, and to heal.

    What fiction has done for me during the process of healing has continued to open up my heart. Thats the power of the story. I might be able to intellectually understand the abuse I suffer from reading the books and the case studies. This is undoubtedly helpful. But Stories, like Harry Potter, and also Matilda have been as instrumental too.

    References:

    Karen Armstrong: A Short History of Myth, 2018

    David MaCadams, The Stories we live by, 1996

    The Harry Potter Series, JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 5) Taking Power back

    Recovering and Healing (Part 5) Taking Power back

    It was a dark January Evening, I was staying at my friends house, and a month into starting a new job, I was about to attend in person training (its funny, ‘training’ was just ‘training’ in Jan 2019) , with Citizens UK, and their ‘branch, in Tyne and Wear.

    I’ll come back to that in a second.

    Powerlessness wasn’t something I thought I was. But what I had consciously and subconsciously adopted in most of my life was a combination of the following, as a youth worker

    • Siding and empathising with the oppressed
    • Thinking that being a youthworker was also a place of oppression

    A lecturer of mine once said to me that I had assumed the position of thinking that youthworkers were also oppressed.

    What I was doing was assuming myself into those places. Assuming the victim.

    What I was also doing was assuming powerlessness

    ‘I cant do that’

    ‘I cannot change that’

    ‘This will never happen’

    What I did, as a youthworker, and as a person was become wholly reactive. I didnt want to, or maybe more so, I feared a position of power.

    That was a position abusive people took.

    I didnt want to be like the powerful people who had abused me.

    Even though I had responsibility placed upon me. Rarely, if ever, did I seek to assert power within these spaces. It was a position to develop others, that ’empowerment’ thing.

    So I knew about power. Or so I thought. I even wrote about it in a few of my MA essays.

    Know about it, but don’t take any. Assume powerlessness. That was the right thing to do right? Thats what Jesus did..wasnt it?

    Back to the story above. I was about to see things differently. And at that time, in January 2019 I needed to.

    I needed to see power as something healthy. I needed to see that I could take power, I needed to begin to take more power in my own life.

    So much confusion around my life, at the time, and a journey on Sunderlands public bus/metro system in the rain to ponder my lifes choices ahead. And training that I didnt want to like. But it was something I needed.

    I needed to indwell having healthy power. Of feeling that I can make decisions.

    That I didnt need to give myself away. That I didnt need to react.

    It was unhealthy to see myself as powerless. That there was nothing I could do. That was part of the breaking down the summer before. Despondent confusion and feeling like there was no way out.

    In a way, the lesson I was receiving on Power was from an unlikely source. But then again. Un likely sources sometime showed me that the universe was in a conspiracy to wake me, teach me, push me, and hold me. I was soaking up and learning something new. My mind was being changed.

    That ‘mind’ that over thought and over worried, that ‘mind’ that had been on overdrive since it was 11.

    I was being educatied by community organisers, how to get my own power back. Giving myself permission to think of myself as having power.

    Yet, in some ways I had started. But this was another one of the many pushes in the same direction.

    This from ‘Inner Practitioner’ on Twitter summed up much of my relationship with power.

    Things start to happen when you start taking power.

    Those around me who were used to me acting in one way, were reacting, revealing themselves, to me acting differently.

    When I changed. I couldn’t be controlled the same

    Small steps of starting to take power.

    I started to fear less their reaction, even if it had been demonstrative before, and I had been scared.

    I begin to not let the control freak have control. I could choose.

    Learning about power, learning to take power. Learning to stop, wait, and pause – even in the midst of emotional abuse – were small, beginning examples of taking power.

    If you have a read of my Survivor story (link here) you will understand how my childhood revolved around staying small and assuming powerlessness. Fearing power was like fearing becoming like the person who dominated and abused me.

    Taking power, starting to assume having some, starting to think of myself in a healthier respectful way, was one of the many aspects of my healing and recovery journey. On yours where are some of the surprising lessons coming from that you are needing to hear?

    Maybe it really is a conspiracy when the universe starts interfering in all the ways, in working you towards wholeness. Maybe its that true power being awoken from within.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 4) Healing the Toxic time

    Recovering and Healing (Part 4) Healing the Toxic time

    Time is something Abusers like to control

    It’s also something that exists in a weird dynamic for them.

    When you dont reply to them, or include them

    they say

    How dare you not reply to my message!

    Or, maybe less abruptly

    Did you get my message, I expected a reply by now

    Often they want a response.

    Part of my healing was realising I didnt have to respond.

    Part of my healing and recovery was slowing down a response

    Slowing down.

    Then realising, that the communication was more important than the response.

    They often want the dialogue to keep going, not just the answer.

    A quick answer, I had to learn, was one that was reactionary.

    A slow answer revealed actually what they wanted.

    They wanted to control time.

    They expected an immediate response

    If I say something… you will do this straight away.

    I expect you to jump when I ask

    Is it important to respond straight away? Really?

    What kind of response am I giving if I give it straight away?

    if you’re in the role of rescuer – do you need to rescue- shouldn’t that person rescue themselves?

    If you haven’t read it yet, this is what Voldemort uses to manipulate Harry in The Order of the Pheonix; Being the hero without stopping to work out what was going on, Harry could be manipulated with a strong sense of rescue.

    What if youre naturally empathetic, and let’s face it, most of us generally are, is that the best default to respond out of?

    When our abuser makes demands of our time… what tactics do they use to make us ‘jump’? – and what might we need to work on to reduce feeling fear, shame or guilt for not doing so.

    Some requests do not require an answer.

    because I didnt hear back from you, I did it myself

    Oh good, but now please dont make me feel guilty for it.

    Lindsay Gibson writes:

    Emotionally immature people Exaggerate everything. Every frustration is the end of the world. They are the boy who cried wolf ; you dont know whether to believe them or not. That is why it is so important not to accept their completely self-focussed view of their situation. It is up to you to clarify the reality of things

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

    In their mind, the only answer is that someone save or rescue them.

    When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why

    Gibson, 2019

    Theres something else to do with Time that I had to learn with abusive people.

    They have a weird sense of it. Its a kind of selective toxic amnesia.

    They dont store or remember any of the abuse they doled out to you, yet, they do remember the few times that you were critical or questioning back.

    Its as if, with no empathy, every moment is lived in the strategic present to them, a present in which they just try and get what they want or need – without remembering or dealing with any of the reality as to why its not liked, possible, considerate, respectful, decent or dignified.

    Its the over realised entitlement, that knows that it can get, and can weasel its way out of keeping any of the rules that do or don’t exist to prevent or be abhorred by it. (its like doing a ‘Cummings’)

    Instead of analysing their mistakes, they think ‘that was then, this is now’. They are famous for moving on and ‘getting over it’ and other forms of not processing lessons from the past. They dont notice when they are repeating past mistakes, nor can they steer themselves to a better future. The future isnt a real consideration for them, so they feel free to deceive others, burn bridges or create enemies. They concoct something that gets them off the hook but don’t realise others will be suspicious due to their past lives

    Gibson, 2019

    There is no recollection of previous occurrences, no sense that time is a coherent continual ongoing concept – its just what they want now.

    So, learning and recovering from abusive situations, for me is about developing a different understanding of time.

    Its also about realising that an understanding of time in which there is an acceptance – not a denial- of reality.

    When we say no, or not yet, or no response to the emotionally abusive – it reveals them. Their desire to control, their entitlement, their feelings of power.

    Yet, healing and recovering meant realising that I am important. That I am only going to respond when it is respectful. That I dont need to. That I am worth more than being someone elses rescue mission. That I am not responsible.

    Time is power – for you

    Time is power – for them too – so be aware, and realise the emotional amnesia that goes on with the emotional immature.

    You are unlikely to be the crazy one, if you’re constantly bewildered by that weird time thing.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 3) Discovering the real me

    Recovering and Healing (Part 3) Discovering the real me

    As well as the space to discover what was good for me, to see the situation pdf my marriage, and childhood, in a new light, and to get therapy to help me with tools, part of my recovery and healing involved me discovering who I am.

    Until then I had in the past done the odd personality test, but had done my best to invalidate it in my mind, filling in the answers I wanted to, dismissing the enneagram in college 12 years ago as ‘weird’ and not important compared to ‘real’ stuff in youth work..like theory.

    In the space of safety, part of my healing and recovery meant starting the process of who I am.

    Up until then ask me and I wouldn’t have known, ‘I dunno’, I think im ok, I think ill be ok, I think im good at a few things. I might have gone as far to say that I was a person of faith, but it all felt flimsy, loose, uncertain, unconvincing. So ill say that not knowing who I was, not knowing my real self and me, was part of how I ended up in situations. Drifting? Probably, taken advantage of? Yes..and not knowing who I was, meant I had nothing to protect or stand up for. You cant defend a castle if its made of water.

    18 months prior to actually accepting it, one of my friends had already mentioned me being an introvert when they saw me present my Thesis findings at this event but like everything else, I ignored, dismissed it, was almost scared of it. Scared of Discovering myself.

    That same friend reminded me of this, in the same month I started my first season of Therapy, and so, the second book I read after this one, was Quiet by Susan Cain.

    It was like a breath of fresh air on so many levels.

    Stopping to discover who I am. And know that it was ok.

    This isn’t a piece about introvert/extrovert thinking, it is instead about the process of discovering who I am as part of my healing.

    Who I am, not just how I am in relation to other people

    Who I am, not just what I do

    Who I am, in terms of the detail of my inner, real self.

    Who I am – and what I can start to defend.

    Putting off learning about myself was now out of the question. A breakdown was the opportunity to painfully discover the hidden treasure of myself. I couldn’t love myself if I didnt know myself.

    It began with accepting my introvert side, as I was lapping up self discovery like a drug.

    I say to any men reading this, or anyone, its not too late, its not too early to discover the real you. What you may have hidden for so long will make its way known in actions, behaviours and reactions. You are more valuable than you think, and the process and journey is so worth it. You may have already started this, and so my deepest encouragement to you as this continues in your life. The best person you can be for yourself and others, is the one that accepts, knows and understands itself.

    Discovering my introvert side was just the start, but Im glad it was a start.

    Starting to accept, not run from discovering who I am, realising how important it was…realising how important I am.

    The next chapter of my life, was about to me made with me knowing myself, for who I am.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Ask yourself the question; ‘What book saved your life’?

    If you are in anyway spiritual, then it might be likely that a sacred text, the Bible or the Ko’ran might be the book that went some way to saving your life.

    But aside from a sacred text – can you name a book that , honestly, saved your life?

    Not just a good book, an inspiring book, a book that you’d take on a desert island.. but a book that saved your life? That had that much impact on you, that it literally saved you. Some of the stuff Matt Haig writes has had a profound impact, as has the cartoons of Charlie Mackay – but could you name a book that saved your life?

    I could.

    It was the first book I read as I started to heal. It was this one

    to buy it a link is here

    From the very first page, this book spoke in a language that I hadn’t heard before.

    It told me about me.

    It told me about what I had tried to cope with all my life.

    It meant that I wasnt alone.

    Nina makes these assumptions about the reader, writing on page 3:

    You are an adult child who has one or more self-absorbed parents

    You can feel ineffective much of the time in interactions with your parents

    You have been given the responsibility for your parents psychological and emotional well being and, either now or in the future, are expected to assume responsibility for your parents physical well-being

    You never feel that you have accomplished enough for your parent; what you do never seems to be good enough

    You experience numerous difficult situations and interactions with your self absorbed parent

    You are searching for ways to minimalist how your parents distressing behaviours and attitudes affect you

    You want to intervene to protect those nearest to you, such as your children, from the negative and distressing comments, put downs, criticism and the like that your parent continues to make

    Nina Brown, 2015

    Now, im not saying that each and every one of these was applicable when I read this book over 2 years ago. Without giving anything away, some very significant things have happened to enable these things to have happened in the last year (which makes looking at this list now, quite remarkable)

    But… over 2 years ago, this book saved my life.

    It is undoubtedly, direct a book, with an amazing title, one I needed to hear.

    It showed me that there were reasons why I reacted in the way I did.

    I read it at a time to try and understand why I struggled with conflict. What I discovered was a whole lot more.

    It showed me that how ever hard I had tried, it didnt matter.

    It enabled me to see myself. It also helped me to assess how I had been treated.

    And that it wasnt my fault.

    The book has exercises (rate your parents self-absorbed nature), and gives different types of self absorption, as well as then describing the principle ways of responding (fight/flight/freeze) and offering alternatives.

    In way some of those details did and didnt matter.

    I think though the reason that this book saved me, what what it meant, for me. It meant that I wasnt alone.

    It meant that I could be healed

    It meant that I didnt have to carry a burden I had unnecessarily carried

    It meant that a journey of healing had began.

    Maybe the book that saved your life might be a different one. It’s likely to be. Maybe the first self-awareness book you read in the recovery from abuse might evoke the same feelings for you. Not only do I thank the book for what it did, but also thank the person who saw my situation and recognised the patterns and traits, and gave me the book to read.

    ‘Children of the ageing self absorbed’ by Nina Brown – The book that saved my life.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Its such a trivial thing, I said to my therapist (almost as I put on my jacket to leave at the end of the first session)

    But I’ve realised how much I like to feel appreciated

    Me, early 2019

    ‘Its not trivial at all though is it‘, he said to me.

    When you’re appreciated, you know where you stand with people

    My therapist

    When you’re appreciated you know where you stand with people.

    I was used to trying to find appreciation

    Trying to please

    Then told I was trying too hard

    Not knowing where I stood, so in a relationship always continuing to try to do the next thing.

    A slave to uncertainty.

    A slave.

    Emotionally immature people dont give their certainty away often.

    So, it means that there’s unsaid expectations to keep trying, to keep trying to revolve around them, to try and meet an unexpected thing that doesn’t ever seem possible.

    Because it isnt possible

    Because that’s what they want you to do.

    To exhaust yourself.

    Appreciation from the emotionally immature, the sociopath or psychopath is often a manipulation to get you to do the thing they want you to do, or give you a rope to hang yourself on.

    Its never ; ‘You’ve all done really well fighting the virus, despite the corruption, narcissism and sociopathic entitlement of us, the Tory Government’ – but a continual blame of others.

    What I didnt realise was how important this was, being appreciated. What I didnt realise, until I was in a safe place and my friend thanked me for cooking a meal.

    I couldn’t take the appreciation. I shrugged it off. I wasn’t used to it.

    I hadn’t ever had it.

    Say thank you to someone at Companies House - GOV.UK

    A project was messy throughout its duration, but dont expect a medal for finishing it

    ‘Oh, do you want brownie points, just for cleaning the bathroom’?

    What I didn’t realise was how important something was, that I didn’t think was that important.

    Because, well, I got by without it. It was the way I had expected.

    Nothing right, nothing perfect, nothing good enough,

    I had given it to others, praised the young person for what they did, tried to appreciate staff in workplaces, but I know now how hard that was for me. It was easier to be critical and reflective, the hardest thing was to appreciate the work others did. Deep down it was coming from an empty place.

    Yet I thought it was a trivial thing.

    That I gave away to my therapist a few years ago.

    Its not trivial.

    The thing that you are trying to hide from, run from, or the thing that made you feel good for that moment.

    When the tears fall.

    And you, important human being, start to realise – from the simplest ‘Thank you’ , from the simplest ‘Thanks for cooking this’ that something inside felt, cracked, and was safe to reveal itself as tears.

    This meant that I could stop. I didnt need to add more, cook more, try harder next time, make a three course meal…

    It meant I could stop and enjoy it.

    I could stop, certain.

    So

    Notice.

    A therapist helped validate, legitimate this.

    Notice what happens when you are treated well.

    how do you respond?

    From day 1, a few friends and then a therapist were the spaces I needed to feel safe, safe to feel, safe to reveal myself.

    Realising how important it is to be appreciated.

    Realising how uncertain, how abusive relationships are when this is absent.

    Realising this in structures, workplaces and ministries too.

    That was one of the first things I learned, felt in my healing and recover journey. It started from day 1 in a safe place, and continued as I reflected in Therapy a few months later. Join me in future articles as I share some of my healing and recover journey, the concepts that were key for me, the learning and reflecting I did. Some of these I shared in real time on my other blog, 2 years ago. (Please do follow and like to keep up to date with this series)

    ‘Being appreciated’ that was one of the first things I had to feel, to embrace, to hear, in the process of rebuilding.

    It’s important. And

    So are you.

  • Learning the power of ‘No’

    Learning the power of ‘No’

    One of the earliest and hardest decisions I had to make, aged 19, was to say ‘No’ to someone.

    Its not surprising though because often in Christian ministry/youthwork No can be one of the hardest words to say.

    No, actually you are not suitable for this ministry

    No, I dont think this job is for you

    No, you have not really fulfilled what was expected of you in your probation

    No, I actually dont have the time to do this

    No, my time is more important

    No.

    No. (might just be a complete sentence)

    No, and without an excuse.

    No is difficult when you are used to saying Yes.

    No is difficult when the desire to people please is strong.

    No is difficult when you are scared of the person asking.

    No is difficult when ‘we have to think the best of people’ .

    No is difficult when ‘if no one else is going to do it ill have to’

    No is difficult because it asks us to go against the yes.

    No is difficult because its harder work, isnt it

    No is difficult because it means being brave.

    No is difficult because it often means standing up for something

    No is difficult when compliance is rewarded.

    No means not being nice:

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/

    When NO, This cannot go on

    When NO, I am going to take responsibility

    When NO, This is hard, but its what I believe in.

    When NO, trusts our gut, instinct, passion, it says YES to ourselves. Our real selves.

    I have found that I’m often relieved after I say no.

    I didn’t make a no decision that had that much significance to me, it had more significance to someone else.

    A yes now, might mean putting off a no that someone else has to make.

    But other times I have said yes, to survive. Other times I have said yes and denied the feelings inside that were screaming for attention. In survival mode. Pretend mode. Scared mode.

    No means boundaries.

    No means I am worthy and my time is valuable.

    Saying no to others, means saying yes to ourselves.

    What does ‘Yes’ to myself look like?

    It looks like self care. Valuing my time.

    It looks like working on myself.

    It looks like listening to myself.

    It looks like stopping. Pausing. Realising I couldn’t go on, going on.

    It meant signing up for therapy.

    It meant being true to myself, but first helping me hear myself.

    Yes to myself. No to others.

    Loving myself, like loving my neighbour. Not just the latter.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. (From Tiny Buddha)

    I find it easier to say yes. I know why this is. It makes and has made saying no, when no means trusting and listening to my own feelings so difficult.

    My own healing is helping me to listen, and know that I can trust those feelings, to say no. And its ok to say no.

    Think about it another way, yes when meaning no, is only a lie to myself.

    A healing No, might make a Yes more true and authentic.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 13) Accepting the accusations of selfishness

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 13) Accepting the accusations of selfishness

    Don’t you be so selfish

    You were such a spoiled child, I had to get that out of you

    Don’t you even dare even ask for that

    You need to think about things from my point of view

    Ultimately there is no avoiding this, with psychopathic, emotionally immature parenting, or a situation of emotional abuse, it’s the shame and accusations of selfishness that will get you in the end. The above applies to parents too, though you cant divorce them.

    They got me.

    Its funny when I think about it, The very thing the abusers cant do (think of others) is the very thing they accuse you of not doing, when you do it all the time.

    So what are they saying.

    Don’t you dare think about your own needs

    Or

    I am going to control you into doing what I ask, by making you feel shame.

    Emotionally immature people want you to jump when they call.

    They want you to rescue them.

    I was the rescuer, as I’ve written before.

    Terrified to say no as a child if that parent needed me.

    ‘No’ was harder than pretending.

    ‘No’ was harder than going through the motions

    I was accused of selfish if I didn’t meet their needs

    They were jealous if I met the needs of others. Furious even.

    They came first. It was their right and entitlement.

    A Childs dependency often irritates the self-involved parent. Preoccupied with their own issues, Emotionally Immature Parents can be short tempered and react to their Childs needs as if the child had done something wrong. Those parents make their children feel bad for having needs and thereby making the parents life harder.

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019, pp41

    Surviving meant not having needs.

    It meant not disrupting the apple cart, or daring to crunch the eggshells

    It meant not asking, not requesting.

    Which is funny. Because unless we asked we didnt get, but often shame for asking (because I was at risk of being spoiled)

    This meant going without. Because there was no point in asking.

    I didnt go to them. For anything.

    I acted as though I didnt need them.

    I didnt even need them or go to them when my marriage fell apart.

    Better to hide.

    If you were treated in this way as a child, you may still feel ashamed for having problems or needing help

    Gibson, 2019, pp41

    Yup.

    Survival of the least neediest.

    Survival Alone.

    Knowing that any request to ask would be met with accusations.

    Knowing that any gift would be attached with manipulative strings

    Because they didnt give without strings, or give at all, then the threat of the accusation meant not going to them.

    Shame devastates.

    Action for Happiness

    I didnt bother going to them, my task was to comfort them.

    There was no way I wanted to be thought of as selfish.

    Especially someone who wasnt selfish at all. For some reason I had already learned to put others peoples needs first. Strange how I might have learned that.

    Such powerless anguish impels children to do something -anything- to make their parent respond to them. Thats why young children so often have meltdowns over seemingly insignificant things. They cant keep themselves together in the absence of supportive parental attachment.

    Gibson, 2019 p42

    I held my breath aged 2-4. Those were my meltdowns. ( I wrote more about these in the last part)

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting meant accepting the accusation. It meant accepting it and getting on with life without. It meant being learning to cope completely alone. What parent would give a snake, when a loaf of bread was asked for, said Jesus in Marks Gospel, well, some evangelical psychopathic parents shamed so much that I wouldn’t have even ask.

    Its ironic then that when they shamed for asking, they just take.

    You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well. Remember that. - BossBabe™ on Instagram | I don't own this image

    Thank you for reading, this is part 13 of my story, parts 1-12 are here

    Please do like and share this, and my other posts if its the kind of message you know will help others, there are a number of resources in the menu above too, and if you’d like to support me on this healing journey, please do click the link to the right too, thank you.