James Ballantyne

Tag: abuse

  • Fire Finding

    I grew up with a weird knowledge of bricks. Not that it helped me to create anything other than Lego houses, or follow the instructions on Technic lego, creativity beyond the lego house a rarity, I mean who didnt want a perfectly comprised T shape house roof with all the red roof tiles in the right place? Oh just me then, anyway…

    I knew about bricks, because the bricks that made my childhood house, and the streets near to it, were from a brick works that historically had been in the 1800’s next to the house. It was covered over to be houses and a park by the 1950’s, but my parents house and the street were a remnant of the industry, built in the 1800’s and photos from that time showed the house, as it was the largest and probably the brickwork chairmans house. Bricks.

    And there were tons of them in the garden underground, so much so that they could be turned into things. I couldn’t tell you exactly, what my dad turned the found historic bricks into, but im sure there was plenty of items, like garden walls and various other things. Bricks were heavy, and bricks had a name etched into them, a print from the manufacturer thats all I remember, and all that’s relevant for now.

    Fire also played a part of my childhood, not only was there an open fire (with a brick hearth) in my lounge, but I also the experience of fires at Scout Camps and various other occasions. Just hold that thought.

    A book that I have read and read a number of times in the last 4 months has been ‘The Untethered Soul’ by Michael A Singer, its been a brilliant read, and reading it alongside John O Donohue’s Anam Cara has been enlightening, deep, searching and healing (I recommend both). One thing I really like about Michael Singers book is that not only does he talk about consciousness, he also describes energy and having inner energy. Stating quite rightly that there’s far far more taking about outer energy, than inner energy, and that there’s vast resources of inner energy to be set free into our lives.

    I was playing around with this image of inner energy, im doing a lot of free writing at the moment, journalling, just writing, and giving this image of inner energy space to indwell.

    I was picturing this inner energy not unlike the earths molten core, that fiery, hot, burning inner heat, and how this might actually be close to the inner energy within the human heart and soul.

    A sustaining heat, an explosive heat, a heat that exposes through the weaknesses (hot springs/volcanoes). A hot fire, a pure fire, a fire of love, of creativity, a fire of justice and kindness, of growth, deep inner power, strength to do, for passion and compassion.

    A molten ball of pure love that indwells the human soul. A fire of love that seeks to caress the wounded human heart.

    I didnt know I had this.

    I had never felt this.

    And I’m sure I am not alone in this.

    As Singer writes, the edges of the energy get crusty, tainted, and dampened out.

    Like bricks.

    Childhood (emotional) abuse doesn’t give the chance for there to be any fire at all, it’s destroyed and taken from birth.

    And once stolen, dismissed and belittled. The fire that could have been there is replaced by bricks.

    Imagine bricks that have been etched not with the manufacturer, but all the ‘things’ like shame, doubt, fear, ‘sinfulness’, expectation, judgement, feeling small, neglect, undeserving ..  I need say no more.

    Imagine the bricks start piling up, and that pile has been growing since before you knew that they didnt need to be there.

    Imagine the writing on them gets more deeply chiseled. Those words shape the bricks.

    Not only do they hide the fire, they get hot too, those bricks are hot holding the fire down.

    So, a question; if you have no knowledge of the fire within, the energy within, what do you think you are?

    Because my friend, you are not deeply engraved heavy bricks of negative things, even if some of the most important people to you have placed them there, even if you have believed in a religion that may have told you of your sin and shame and not your core love and power.

    No, you are not these things. You are not the brick words.

    Those bricks are tormenting you, making you believe that you have to be someone to please people, you dont deserve love, that you are hollow underneath, or that love, deep inner love is in any way conditional. Bricks that cover the fire can be anything, anything you cling to to distract from accessing it, including monetary and possessions.

    When you are none of these things.

    You have a fire beneath the bricks. You have a deep energy within.

    Thats who you are, Thats who I am.

    That energy wants to flow

    Sometimes the fire breaks through, causes disturbance because something isn’t right.

    Problem is that I was led to believe that I was just the sum of bricks too, until the last few years, I had no positive concept of the inner me, and avoiding it (because I thought it was dark/hollow) like not wanting to touch hot bricks that spelled out what I believed myself to be, and what I had internalised from others. A heart of bricks and stony on the outside.

    But I am not these things, and neither are you. It’s time to believe, that you are an amazing, beautiful human.

    That’s amazing beautiful human..full stop.. no ifs, no buts, its not depending on what you do, what you say, its just true, now, today this moment. I know, I wouldn’t have believed it either, I didnt trust it when someone said it to me.

    It’s easy to believe the bricks when there wasn’t any knowledge of the core pure fire within. It’s time to doubt the bricks, its time to resist allowing the bricks to be placed on the fire, it’s time to feel and let that fire be, burn and flow. Thats you.

    Thats been inside you all along.

    Even nudging the bricks a little, might start small fires.

    Nothing is worth losing your inner energy.

    Not now you know the fire within is your pure core.

    It’s time to release the energy from within.

    Breathe, Feel, release, and let it rise from within.

    Time to live, time to do life. Time to be fire.

  • The letter any Narc Abuse survivor could write.

    It changed my entire life when I was able to stand back, to stand in some safe distance from damaging relationships and realise what the patterns were of them. Even now, I have to remember what I know , and remember that I have power because I know, and so, I am writing this for you, for you if you need it when you begin to realise that you have been a genuine victim of someone who is displaying (but would never get tested for) NPD, sociopathy or psychopathy – or a combination of all three. This is for you realise that this knowledge is actually power. Power also that means that you have yourself, you have awareness, you don’t have to play the games, you are, and you are more than their jealous projections.

    But this is not about them, this about you, it’s about me, it’s about knowing, and knowing freedom, knowing our strength and the power of the truth that we have . It is time to live. I wrote this letter privately the other day, and by writing it, it gave me power, because then, I knew, I felt, power, and this is is important to have after abuse. Then I realised that the abuse I suffered isnt unique, and neither are the behaviours a Narc makes either, so by sharing this with you, I hope it gives you power too.

    Dear They-who-might-not-be named Dark Triad* Abuser,

    I know,

    I know,

    I can see what you do,

    I can see the patterns of how you are working

    I know how you are constantly trying to cover your tracks

    I know your lies,

    I know your stories,

    I know your strategies,

    I know your toxins and your poison.

    I know your thirst for power, and how it consumes you.

    I know how much you think you have power, and how fragile that is

    I know.

    I have your lies on paper,

    I know how you threaten to silence those who might call you out,

    I know how you invalidate others who might say the same,

    I know how you manipulate .

    I know how you operate from anger and jealousy, and can only verbalise love, compassion or empathy.

    I know how you’re clinging onto work, as you have nothing else.

    I know your lies.

    I know you have delusions instead of truth.

    I know that you can’t admit your wrongdoing,

    I know that a mirror threatens you, when you dare to look inside,

    I know that you have no peace, no joy, no happiness,

    I know your love-less existence and how you make this out to be ‘the real world’ ,

    I know your whiny voices, that give Harry Potter Headaches.

    I know how you have to pretend to care

    I know the destruction lies in your wake

    I know how you have to tell stories to convince yourself that none of it was you

    I know the monkeys who you employ to do your work, as they swing back and forwards, still trapped in your haunted gaze.

    I know the monkeys that have inherited your games

    I know how the system could only see the pretend version of you.

    I know how you have twisted God into your delusions to justify yourself

    I know the neediness script that you cling to.

    I know your inconsistencies and your self denials

    I know your wounded ego

    I know your haunted eyes that gaze on power

    I know you, and thats more than you know yourself.

    I know

    I know

    I know

    I know it all.

    I know your games that make you the same as all the others.

    I know

    I know that this letter could be said about anyone who plays your games,

    I know how you fear losing your special status or victim positioning

    I know.

    And I can have and be all the things that you could never be.

    Thank you for the lessons I have had to learn to rid myself of you

    Thank you for the projections that I now embrace

    Thank you for knowledge that gives me power

    Thank you for revealing yourself to me, fully and finally

    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to realise who I am

    Thank you for my survival story.

    Thank you for confirming in your actions what deep down I already knew.

    That you were not to be trusted, and not to be true.

    So now its time, narc destructor, for me

    to let go of the lead again

    And let your growling gnashing of teeth scowl within your own created existence.

    And its time

    For me

    To breathe again, finally reminded of my freedom.

    And my power

    That you wanted to destroy

    But I am here.

    and I know.

    And I am still standing.

    And I am Free.

    Regards,

    Any Narcissist Survivor.

  • There’s no such thing as bad feelings.

    Every time I click onto my ‘WordPress’ app on my phone it gives me a different question prompt for the day, as an example, todays is ‘What do you know about where you live’ , and normally, because there’s often a few hundred answers recorded and I dont always want to answer it, I ignore it.

    Yesterday however I was about to. It asked the following question:

    What positive emotion do you feel the most often?

    I looking at this whilst I was out and about shopping in the morning, and so it occupied my thinking around Morrisons.

    My mind went to times of deep content and happiness, about the times of being at peace and still, about times when I feel safe and loved, and I smiled a little reflecting on these as I was doing my food shopping. It felt good to have a bank of experience of good feelings and emotions to draw from.

    So I nearly answered the question.

    But then I stopped myself. A tiny bit.

    I realised that as I was thinking about the question I had fallen into a bit of trap.

    in which I was labelling ‘good’ emotions and ‘bad’ emotions – or positive feelings and negative feelings. (and I know emotions and feelings are slightly different but im using them interchangeably here)

    And by doing so giving so called ‘bad’ feelings a further reason to avoid them or feel fearful of them, if they are ‘bad’ then I can have reason for feeling shame for having them – anger, fear, distress, frustration, grief , yet these are all part of the human experience – more so – they are part of your and my collective humanity.

    I have had to dig deep over the last few months, circumstances that ill not disclose, have caused me to face a number of situations, that have required intense emotional energy, both in fearing, in feeling injustice and feeling horrified, angry and grief.

    I know in the past I would have faced difficult situations with a Stoical ‘I will survive’ kind of mentality, or dismiss my own feelings at the time, for others, or project anger or grief elsewhere (Twitter was great for this). More often I would avoid the feeling, it was shameful and unsafe to have them. I had internalised that having feelings made me a bad person. So ‘Im Ok’ would suffice.

    By being stoical and ‘avoiding’ the deep emotions and feelings – that included anger, anger that revealed grief, and grief that meant loss, I would keep all of that buried underneath. I couldn’t have feelings, and definitely not ‘so-called’ bad ones.

    But suppressing feelings and emotions – meant not experiencing life, its goodness and beautiful moments too. As I read recently Sensitive by Hannah Jane Walker, she described the effect on a child of having parents who nurture or ignore a Childs emotions and their expression of them. My parents stole my emotions, to comfort themselves and keep up pretences. The more I realise this, the more that I understand the complex nature of what I have had to work through to be better and healthier emotionally, for myself and others.

    Back to digging deep, I have days when I can sense that I feel unsettled, out of kilter- mainly also because I have an experience of days in which I feel calm, content and happy too – I can sense that there is ‘something’ and nagging feeling – and I can make a choice as to what I do with it, and I know there are days when I dont want to. I know there are days when I become afraid of what I might be feeling or wanting what is behind it to reveal itself.

    I am never upset for the reason I think

    Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (Taken from A course in Miracles)

    The temptation , because of learned behaviour, would be for me to avoid whatever it is. It’s more than likely to be be painful. At least that what ‘that voice’ says in my head. Those days then become a bubbling pot of anxiety and forgetting to breathe. They do more damage in, than out.

    I wonder if the problem isn’t the feeling or the emotion itself, but our relationship to it, and the means in which we have to express these healthily.

    So the labels of ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings aren’t helpful, they are what they are – feelings.

    They happen, and it is better to notice them, feel them and find ways of giving them healthy air.

    If you’re anything like me then you may have felt unsafe expressing your feelings or found a way to talk your way out of them, suppress, deny and invalidate.

    So it makes it more of a challenge to do this when feelings get associated with judgement like good or bad. Ironically – a ‘bad’ feeling about something.. might be a good natural early warning sign – that you can choose to ignore or do something about – it’s a protective good thing, potentially.

    I was wondering whether there might be a better way of ‘collectivising’ feelings and emotions- could they be like tools in a shed, or toolbox – different feelings appropriate and used in different ways – but this metaphor almost give the impression that when we see a need we can choose the right tool, but feelings can be more intuitive and instinctive than this, its not a matter of picking the right feeling for the occasion, its that those feelings accompany the occasion or situation, and its important to adopt a healthy relationship with the feeling.

    How do you respond when you can sense the feeling? Does a critical voice tell you off for being joyful at something you felt joy happening? or a voice tell you that you’re not supposed to feel a certain way? Because, you are allowed to. It’s totally natural. Totally. But that voice suggests that it’s not valid, not to be trusted. A feeling, is just that a feeling, and whilst it’s not to be fully trusted every time, it’s equally not to be dismissed or ignored either – or invalidated. It is neither bad, nor good, it is what it is.

    Those feelings aren’t bad, but need appropriate attention and releasing, space and warmth to accept them, to become friends with, to feel them as they are, in all the human messiness and complexity. There is no shame in feeling, there are no bad feelings.

    But, there are pretty awful things that we can do, because of giving into anger, fear or grief, and thats something different altogether.

  • The Sound of Silencing (How to lose friends and manipulate people)

    Im giving you what I know. From what I have heard, directly.

    As I was watching in a fascinating documentary recently on the development of Art in America (‘The Art of making it’- I think) , they used the phrase ‘ the oppressed knows their abuser more than the abuser knows themselves’ . So this is what I’m sharing with you, my knowledge, so that you can build up yours, if you need to. Healing starts when you see how you have been treated.

    These are some of the tactics of the manipulator, and they are tactics, strategies so often used that protect their position or their core damaged, often rotten self.

    Written from their perspective. For extra ammunition for you, the healing one, the empathetic or someone who hadnt realised the extend of what people could do to be emotionally or verbally manipulative.

    So let’s put ourselves in the place of the manipulator, change places and imagine that we are in the shoes of someone trying to keep someone else quiet.

    You have power, and so here some phrases to use if you want to make sure that your, powerful position is maintained, and in the process you have bewildered and controlled the person who challenges it.

    It’ll keep someone quiet, especially someone who you want to keep silenced.

    So, next time you are challenged, they maybe start to ask you questions that seems to threaten your existence, just throw one of these at them and see their reaction. For a moment it’s likely to startle them, especially if you’re using it for the first time. But remember, dont use the same one often, because what you’ll end up doing is giving them something to digest, like the gristle on a bit of chicken, and they’ll start to think about it, and build up some responses to it, so its better to throw in a new one or different one every now and then.

    In no particular order….

    1. ‘I dont want to argue with you.’ This one is great, especially if they start to talk after a discussion before, it’ll completely silence them, they dont want an argument or conflict, just try it and see.
    2. ‘You’re just a dreamer.’ This has the same effect as
    3. ‘Stop being such an idealist’ .. If you suggest their argument is unreal, or ideal, it disables it, and they start to wonder if its unreasonable, making your position completely reasonable
    4. ‘Now dont get Angry with me’; Say this if their tone is just a tiny tiny bit louder than normal, or especially if they have gained a bit of confidence recently, suggesting they might be angry at something will peg them down a bit, also it really helps, in ‘church world’ that any determination of anger can help ensure that a position is invalidated. You can appear the calm one. It doesn’t matter if you have made them angry.
    5. ‘You’re too Sensitive’… an alternative is ‘You Care too Much’ – these are great to use, especially if they are starting to notice that you have limited depths of care for others, and maybe a deeper core of selfishness that you’d like to hide, so just let them know that they are too caring, and too sensitive to the needs of others. They’ll question how much to care, and maybe, if you say it right they’ll think that you haven’t had enough attention, and they’ll give you more, after all this is what you want all along.
    6. ‘You’re just gossiping’ or ‘thats just gossip’ or ‘they’re just a tell-tale’ Definitely use this one if someone starts to accuse someone that you have a close association with, especially related to safeguarding, and maybe churches and religious groups, this one is great to use, it’ll rally others around your position and sideline the critical, negative or disclosures. Its more effective if the persons making the accusation are in an already sidelined group, like young people, women, older people, someone with learning needs, someone from a poor background, anyone whose been judged harshly already by the majority, explicitly or implicitly, thats the best time to get away with the ‘gossip’ line.
    7. ‘Are you sure you dont belong to a Cult?’ If the person goes to a different religious group, one that is different to yours, and they are challenging you, then throw this line at them, do it especially if they have received guidance from their ‘pastor’ or ‘minister’ and its about how to cope with you.
    8. ‘This is just the ways its been/always been/ I can’t change/Just the way I am’ – There’s no way you are going to change, especially not for them, why do you even need to you are perfect as you are, so give a version of this one a try, gently let them know that this is how you have always been, (or how the organisation has always been) and by saying this, they will have to realise that they have to do any changing.
    9. ‘You need to think about my needs’. This one is great to use, after they have done some of 8, changing. Then because of the effort they have put into thinking about themselves for a while, this will help them reset to thinking about you again, and taking them back into the pattern that you liked them in, when they orientated their life around you, and you not changing. They love changing and being exhausted all the time.
    10. ‘Dont raise your voice you’ll upset the kids/someone’ . Say this when you want to give them the curveball of emotional sympathy, but not for you, for someone else. You dont feel, or get upset that often remember, neither does what they say or do upset you… but that doesn’t stop you from using someone else to create their emotional sympathy. Just gently let them know that their actions hurt someone that both you and they have a connection to, a family member, relative that kind of thing. It also gives them the knowledge that you have contact with that other person.
    11. ‘I think you might have mental health issues’. Get this one out there when they’ve gone a bit upset or really low, depressed ever since the last time they tried to talk with you. Maybe even do this in a kindly way, suggest that they get help, or make it look as if you care about them, just a little. But dont do any more than this, never find them a therapist, or book a GP appointment, no no no, just plant the seed. It’s unlikely that they’ll follow it up, it just combines a tiny bit of care, and causes them to be bewildered further. Just be really careful here though, especially if they start to go to therapy, or get help, you’ll have to find ways of pegging them down or devaluing what they are doing in this.
    12. ‘Dont you dare try and be the Victim’. When they start to even dare think of themselves as a victim of your behaviour towards them, just plant in them this little gem, it’ll reinforce to them that you control which role you are and the position from which you see the world, and there’s no way they are going to take this position from you.
    13. ‘I was just being sarcastic’. Did they not understand a comment you made that was intentionally harsh? Or they challenge you on it because it was unreasonable.. Say it was sarcastic. Now you know that they know that it wasn’t, but that doesn’t matter, just say it anyway.
    14. ‘You’re overthinking this, you read too much, best to keep it simple’. Your way is right, even if their thought through idea is a good one, demean the source of the idea (probably a book) and not them, and then appeal to an easy way. Easy avoids pain and pain is definitely something to avoid.
    15. ‘I think you expect perfection’ – Use this one to suggest that they are expecting too much of you, like anything at all or their basic needs to be met, which isn’t what you are going to do, so instead, give them the impression that what they require from you is some gigantuon effort, or extension of reality , like perfection, and instead they will have to re-assess what it might even be that they are asking.
    16. Speak of yourself in the third person, so ‘Your father, Your wife, Your husband’ dont say ‘I’ , because your I has to stay hidden away, and can’t speak, but you can describe yourself in the present as if it might be from you, its your idealised self, not your core self talking, like ‘you know your husband/mother loves you very much’ , its not I… This also works in emails, to disguise the tenses, persons and voices, to confuse. If you’re not sure of this, use ‘God’ instead… like ‘God wouldn’t want you to get angry’, or ‘God loves you’ (even if I dont).
    17. An extra one. Forget that you said any of these things. Every time. They didnt hear you properly when you said it, you dont remember saying it, they must have misheard you, and if you did say it how they interpreted it want what you meant. This utterly wastes their time, because theyve spent a while reacting to what you did actually say, and now you are disputing your own words, which of course you have every right to do so, and it makes them think they are crazy. You can even go further and then suggest they need their hearing tested.

    Sounds harsh? It happens… a lot.

    So, here’s how to gaslight and silence people. Here’s how to keep your abuse victim quiet, confused and bewildered, scared and questioning their reality. Here’s how to use language to create a culture of fear and manipulation, and for you to sit in a place of power.

    If you are reading this and are horrified that I am giving away tips to abusers, then wait.

    It’s very very unlikely that anyone abusive is going to read this, it is more likely that you are. You. Someone who has experienced this kind of behaviour. Because you googled the phrase ‘too sensitive’ or ‘verbal abuse’ or ‘Darvo’ or ‘Victim mentality’ or ‘self awareness’ or ‘projection’. Someone who is abusive doesn’t read a book on how to be abusive, somehow, their protectors just know, and their wounded ego can do the rest. That person isn’t going to read this list.

    But if you have heard these, you are more armed. You are using your brain, you utterly clever brave courageous soul, you are resourcing yourself with the tools of your abuser, and working out their similar strategies, because they are all the same. The words being only slightly different, I’ve seen and been told almost all of these in 40 years, some more than once, and more by women than men, though I know men say these things too. There are only so many patterns and phrases in their textbook, once you’ve seen the ones above, you’ll notice them all.

    Can we also broaden this out from individual relationships, to systems and structures too? How many churches wouldnt recognise these kinds of behaviours? how many might even see these as ‘normal’ ? What about in safeguarding situations? What happens when people try and defend their roles or positions or reputations? Lying to defend is too blatant, but 1/4 truth hidden in manipulation (and spiritual language) can go a long way.

    Im sorry that you had to read this list, but if you have said any of these, then it’s time also to stop, reflect and listen, to the damage you have done. If you have heard these, if you hear these in the present, do consider getting help, support and emotional safety, because it might well be time that you are treated better, respected, listened to and heard.

    Have you heard any more? do add them in the comments below, to share and build up a resource of them.

  • Male Sensitivity : Part 1 (Realising my own)

    Toughen up

    You need to stand up for yourself

    Wimp

    You’re being sensitive

    Softy

    Pussyfoot

    And the ultimate..

    Stop being so Gay. 

    All words Ive heard in my life, some at school, some in places that were meant to be ‘home’. 

    What did all of these words and names mean?  What did they do? What did they communicate as to what is valued. 

    Especially for me, a Man, A boy, A teenager. 

    What about the following: 

    ‘You need to have a ‘thick skin’ to work here. Or to be a ____________ nowadays.

    And ‘that’ profession, it seems strange to say this about a profession that on the face of it should care about people, clergy, teaching, nursing, social work.. 

    What is being valued here?  What does this say about our society? 

    Who is this all in favour of? What is being left out? 

    Shall I be honest with you?

    Ive struggled to write this piece.

    Yet, as you know, ive been able to, or found it ‘easy to’ write about other aspects of my self realisation and awareness journey in the last few years. Including Abuse. Ive come back to the subject of sensitivity in the last month or so. Rereading Elaine Aruns book that I read for the first time 3 years ago, rereading it 3 weeks ago was like new pings going off all over the place, new pieces of my personal jigsaw making more sense, more realisation of how my childhood, schooling and subsequent has been affected by not being able to have my sensitivity valued, though not being able to know or communicate this. 

    Its as if I fear that admitting being sensitive is weak. 

    Its as if I then put myself in the ‘snowflake’ ‘woke’ or ‘wooly liberal’ category. 

    Its as if I then be vulnerable. 

    But what if? 

    I am Sensitive. 

    I am Male, and I am Sensitive.

    And it’s been a strength that ive had to hide. But it’s been there, I can tell.

    And I always have been. It was what to need to be to survive. And not just me.

    It wouldn’t have mattered to retort ‘ no im not gay, im just sensitive’ wouldn’t have helped in the playground. Standing up for bullies hasn’t been about punching my way back, but reporting to the right people. (And then I got bullied for being a ‘tell tale’… honestly.. what is the right thing?) 

    As I read the book ‘The Highly sensitive person’ by Elaine Arun and ‘Sensitive’ (2023) by Hannah Jane Walker, who writes from current research into sensitivity, and in conversation with researchers and psychologists and those in economics and business too, and an interview with Elaine Arun herself, my head is full of further questions and realisations, questions that might be for the future, and so this might be an introduction to ‘Sensitivity’ and specially being a Sensitive Man. 

    Would you like to hear more on this? 

    What insights do you have if you are male and think you might be sensitive?

    Has this been something you have struggled to admit? 

    Could you trust it if you discovered it?  Can I? 

    ‘What if the real story of sensitivity is one of profound vulnerability and resilience, care and empathy, Sensitivity is much more every day, much more mythic than we think. Sensitivity is fundamental to who we are, and I think fundamental to where we go next ‘

    Hannah Jane Walker; Sensitive (2023)

    Maybe it’s time to be proud of being sensitive. Maybe it is for me, maybe it is for you. Time be courageous and dig deep into this strength thats been hiding behind masks and expectations.

    What did it feel like to you to listen to your sensitivity, pay attention to that soft voice inside, and care, cooperate and listen, rather than seek to compete, dominate and rule?  Is ‘hardness’ a required mask?

    Male Sensitivity… let’s talk about it. What does this mean to you?

    Has being sensitive been a gift or a challenge for you?

    Are you in a job, a community or relationship which values sensitivity?

    Do share below, and let’s talk about it.

    References;

    The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Arun (1999)

    Sensitive – Hannah Jane Walker (2023)

    If you’d like to hear more on this, my recent video shared some of the indicators of sensitivity. Do give it a watch.

  • Realising…Its My Life

    I thought to myself today

    I am loving my life.

    I am living my life.

    Even on a wet sleety, snowy day in the North East of England.

    Then I realised.

    If I am living my life now…

    Whose life was I living before?

    When I lived according to what expectations were placed upon me… whose life was it then?

    When I was in fear of making a mistake, a mess, or making someone else upset…. whose life was it then?

    When I was worried about what other people would think of me… whose life was it then?

    When I was trying to be good.. whose life was it then?

    When I was trying to please God, or ‘worship him forever’ or for rewards in the ‘next life’ and not here now… whose life was it then?

    When I was to stick to the rules… misbelieving I was going to get praise, medals or acknowledgement for doing so….whose life was it then?

    I wasn’t living my life. I wasn’t living. I was just existing.

    Existing for the sake of others, and their expectations, their demands, their unspoken rules.

    Its taken me courage to see that I can live.

    I can live and sparkle.

    I have my own story.

    I can be who I am, and that this is good enough.

    Time to realise that

    Its taken a long time for me to see, know and realise..and trust myself..

    to know

    that I can live my own life.

    That I am. Who I am.

    And I can be me.

    And I am beautiful

    Flawed but beautiful. A project on the make.

    Its continuously time for me to be me.

    Whole me, showing up into the world.

    Happy, Free, and totally alive.

  • The two things that robbed me….of myself.

    If yesterday I wrote about my own joinery from self loathing and denial to becoming more self referential, respectful and also giving space to trust my feelings. Today I’ve pondered the question – what happened to me, so that I had no ‘faith’ in myself? What happened to the extent to which there was no ‘I’ in my life, to trust myself, my feelings, emotions, desires or wants.

    It boils down to this

    Psychopathic Parents + Evangelical Faith = No Self Trust

    In these ways:

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told not to be selfish

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I heard that my core was sinful

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told I wasn’t enough

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told that everything good I did…wasnt me..it was God

    Self trust wasn’t possible because I was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having emotions, desires or wants

    Self trust wasn’t possible when my emotions were stolen by others.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I wasn’t encouraged for being good (or when I was accused of being the ‘eldest son’ )

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was terrified of upsetting my abusers.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was encouraged to pray that God would fix things.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible..if my ‘self’ had to be denied.

    Self trust wasn’t possible if I numbed the pain and disconnected.

    Self trust wasn’t possible, even being clever or good… wasn’t enough.

    Self trust wasn’t possible… All to Jesus I surrender.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible, if Jesus gave me all my good feelings.

    Self Trust was invalidated if I tried to express myself

    Self Trust wasn’t possible – when my body was bad (Spirit is good) – and in my body is my emotions, feelings, desires and energy.

    Self trust wasn’t possible when I was masking abuse for 40 years.

    Self trust wasn’t possible if I was told who I was…and I had to accept it, whilst dying inside.

    Self Trust wasn’t possible when my real self was hidden away, unseen.

    Just Pray – they said. Be good – they said. Be quiet. Dont make a mess. Fulfil our expectations for you – they said. Grow up and dont be silly..they said.

    Be our trophy to be proud of – they said. But do this alone.

    Dont ever be who you are. Dont ever think for yourself.

    Live to soothe and placate and please your abuser.

    Live to please and worship God…and deny yourself in the process.

    How could I respect myself, if I didnt trust myself, how could I know myself if I was hiding myself away? How could I trust myself… if God was always watching…and I had to remember sins and feel only continual guilt and shame.

    I was taken..from myself.

    What am I in all this?

    Where am I in this?

    Who am I in this?

    Today. This day. This month. These last few years.

    Have been unapologetically about me.

    Not just ‘finding myself’ – but…actually finding, connecting, listening, feeling and knowing myself. But its no fucking wonder I had hidden myself away… or that I had no sense of self in ‘my’ life. It was all about other people. Other people and ‘other’ Gods. Losing myself in the process. I can look back and see this. Realising the extent of what I wasn’t able to be.

    Reminding myself, now, of my own deep strength. Acknowledging it and accepting it, and being utterly grateful for the now.

    The spills of life going inwards, deep burning of molten lava piercing into the wounds. Feeling Raw, but feeling true, feeling at all. Being me. Healing from within. One layer at a time. One pebble to climb, then a rock, then more. Step by step.

    Soul, heart, mind and body on a beautiful discovery. Wonder from the heart outwards. Time to live. Spiritual life… from the inside out.

    Oh yes, its time to live. Time to be.

  • A Wet Muddy Walk

    A Wet Muddy Walk

    A simple walk.

    Yet, it was so much more.

    But it was just a walk.

    Going for a walk, that meant something.

    It meant pushing through with the motivation to ‘get out’ and walk, in the grey and wet.

    For it was miserable.

    I left my flat in a break of sunshine.

    Arrived at the walk point with rain clouds, and horizontal cold rain.

    And waited in the car, long enough to unsteam the windows, and at least wait for the rain to stop.

    And it did.

    For a tiny moment.

    It was muddy. Wet. Cold and windy.

    But I was walking.

    Wrapped up warm, with camera and binoculars, with scarf, gloves and hat.

    And thermal socks on with the heavy duty boots.

    I was out. Walking.

    Brave in the cold.

    Madness maybe. But out.

    And this is a blog about a walk.

    Just an ordinary walk.

    Did I mention, cold, wet and muddy?

    A very ordinary grey, wet, cold, walk.

    But a walk none the less.

    Ordinary.

    Ordinary courage and bravery.

    Ordinary steps taken, one by one.

    At a place ive been to many times.

    Its not a mountain top experience to deal with trauma, or deal with the monsters. Just ask Harry Potter, no one wants that badge of honour.

    Sometimes the path is wet, cold and muddy and you need to be protected from the elements.

    One foot in front of the other, even in the wet muddy path.

    Even when I’m writing, there could be a temptation to show off the best bits, or most important, to biggest challenge in my personal healing. But recovery is about the ordinary.

    Its about the every day.

    Its not always about the new place, the new discovery.

    Though there are discoveries, and there are significant moments. And at the moment im loving John O Donohues Eternal Echoes. Its a warm hot chocolate for my soul.

    But sometimes there’s just something significant in going for a walk. Its about expectations, or not having any. Its about making a positive choice to do something, even if the path feels wet and muddy, but its being done. A positive choice doesn’t mean the sun is going to immediately shine, there’s a lot of mud, fog and cloud to wade through. But at least im walking. Started putting one feet in front of the other. the gritty ordinary of healing from abuse, is not pretty.

    There are beautiful moments of sunshine though.

    When the gaps open up.

    But often these are surprises. Moments when the universe makes its voice known. And when I’m ready to see them.

    Like on that walk.

    The sun did come out, and I noticed two deer resting in the sunshine.

    When the Roe deer sat down and rested in the glimpse of the evening sunshine, sat as she was on the wet grass, it was a perfect still wonderful moment. I watched, breathed, and used my camera (quietly) and enjoyed it, present in the moment.

    A universe gift.

    Sometimes the paths are made by those who walk. Sometimes the universe conspires to help the dreamer. Sometimes its just about putting one foot forward, in front of the other, even despite better judgement, but doing so from brokenness, from vulnerability, into a cloud of fog, with the gritty hope that there is another side beyond it.

    Ill tell you something else.

    I was beginning to sense boredom. Boredom being one slight step to the left from contentment. Contentment is a lovely feeling, its as if everything is early spring. What boredom felt like was the peace of contentment, but without the colour of the daffodils.

    I guess when 40 years of my life have existed with a background noise of toxic drama, then the years since of processing and recovering from this… peace can feel like boredom when there’s no drama going on.

    But something I realised, is that I have needed coping activities in the last 4-5 years. Maybe I dont need these as much, and maybe I’ts time to have more fun and creativity, to have more energy to give, because im in a different place. As I walked yesterday, I realised that I could be grateful for the feeling of boredom, and that this is an indication of where I am, who I am and the journey I have been on. Maybe instead of feeling frustrated by the grey cloudy days, its time to walk through them.

    Sometimes the grey makes for interesting photos.. but this isn’t one of them.

    Its an ordinary path, just outside darlington with the sunset reflecting on the grey wet tarmac.

    It was just a walk.

    But it was so much more.

    It was time to see. Time to make choices. Time to receive.

    Time to sense and feel. Time to be grateful. Time to notice.

    Time for me.

  • Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    There are some people who can sleep on an aeroplane.

    But I, sadly, am not one of them.

    Since February 2020 I have now had the experience of many transatlantic flights to both Montreal and San Diego to meet, visit and spend time with Christelle. At least 12 flights over 6 hours long.

    I had the ‘joy’ of the cancelled flight in July (re arranged to a direct 9hr flight :-)) , and last week a double cancelled, staying overnight in random city (Seattle) only for 2 more flights the next day experience.

    This was me at Seattle…

    Early in my flight experiences I didn’t have many ideas of ‘what to do’ and how it works, so I think on my first Montreal flight I packed a bag full of food, as I didnt click the ‘food option’ but then on the BA flight got a decent 3 course meal, wine, beer and snacks, to my surprise.

    But I often note other people to see what they are doing, like the use of the complimentary cushion, blanket or what’s on their TV to see if that’s something I would like.

    Its not just what other people are doing. I like to know what is going on.

    Every bell noise in the plane, I’m checking to see which of the lights has gone on or off, or whether this causes any sudden movement in the airline crew. What calls are being made. I like to know what’s going on.

    The sleepers I guess dont care, they sleep.

    But for some reason I care, or at least I feel as though I should care or be responsible, or be ready.

    Even after an overnight of 4 hours sleep, and then on the second night flying from Detroit to Heathrow and losing 5 hours, I slept for less than 2 hours, but I at least slept a bit, I think. But it took for me to be completely exhausted to finally sleep, though never feeling that I was actually asleep. The display on the TV went from ‘4hr 40’ to arrival, to ‘1 hr 45’ and I know id been dozing only for much of it.

    What I did this time was have an eye mask on, and ear plugs – and yes ive tried these things before, but they did work for the 2 hours or so this time. It helped me close away from the light and noise that represented things and situations I might need to be aware of.

    Maybe that’s the same as everyone else. But, horror of horrors, there are some people on long distance flights who sleep so well they dont eat or drink anything complimentary? I mean what’s that all about? Who are these people? ;-) Hiding under a blanket and out for the count. Maybe they in that moment are doubly exhausted, and they can just crash.

    But there’s something else.

    There’s three things that come to mind as I reflect on my ‘plane’ sleep experiences.

    The first is my experience of climbing.

    Although I did have some outdoor experiences as a boy, climbing wasn’t one of them, it wasn’t until I was part of the leadership team on young peoples camps in Scotland that I took part in climbing, at two compass centres and on a trip to Edinburgh. I was a nervous, shaking wreck on the first two occasions, trying to get my feet into the ‘sockets’ and my arms reaching up, with barely any arm strength. The third time I went I made a mental note to myself. I would trust the rope. I would trust that the staff had done their work properly to set it up safely, and as a 29 year old I would be ok. But the main thing was, was that I would trust the rope. And I so enjoyed that third climbing experience. Trust.

    The second is that Biblical story of Jesus being asleep in the storm, whilst the waves crash around their boat, Jesus slept, and yet the disciples exclaimed how it could be the case. I guess that some of the disciples stayed awake knowing they felt they had to be responsible for Jesus, given that they knew a little about who he was. As well as try and keep their boat afloat.

    The third thing is that I remember taking ages to get to sleep as a child. I had to stay awake as I simultaneously felt responsible and scared of my emotionally immature psychopathic mother. So, in between reading books, I would be listening at each loud shouting conversation in the kitchen, in the floor below..and it was only one screechy voice that was making the noise. Id be awake listening for each time the hall door would open (as then id turn off my light) or know that the 2nd stair creaked, and then I would turn it off. And then there would be footsteps all the way to my bedroom door, because that’s also where the bathroom door was, next to mine, so I had no idea if I was about to be told off. Often I would be awake long after they would themselves be in bed. It was safe. Many books were read.

    There was no sleep when there was a monster to be aware of.

    Being aware of danger. Trust the rope (plane). Feeling responsible.

    There is a different kind of awareness I often feel on a plane too.

    Its a gap, a space.

    And though I often take books to read (very old school) , what I often find is that I have felt travel tense until I get to the gate and on the plane. However I dont have anything to worry about, there’s travel to the airport (trains to Newcastle or London), security queues and going through it, and any check in required, it doesn’t sound much, writing it, but even with trains on time or a short tube from somewhere in London to Heathrow, I still have some residual travel anxiety. So, getting into my seat on the plane, each time, I get a sense of relief, and also a sense of excitement of the travel to Christelle, which up until then has been mixed with the travel anxiety.

    A breath. An awareness moment on the plane. I go from being anxious about my own getting on the flight process – to then feeling like I am needing to be aware and responsible for other people on the plane. Hence the no sleep. Weird huh. But what I dont have or do on the plane is have wifi – I just charge my phone, eat the food and take time selecting and watching a movie or three. (Yes I have now watched the entire LOTR and Harry Potter films)

    Awareness. Presence. Even on a plane.

    This morning I watched this

    How to be present in 2023 – Eckhart Tolle

    in it he talks about responding to that great challenge… The Cancelled flight. Also about how to have a kind of alertness on a plane. ✈️

    Im learning. I noted how I responded to my double cancelled flight issue of last week, that’s for another piece I think. Life spills over even on 48 hours of travel.

    Tolle talks about the right kind of alertness. About acceptance and surrender.

    Maybe noticing all my feelings is part of all of this. It isn’t taking me long to note how I’m feeling anxious, or overly alert. Sometime my survival skills kick in, other times I give myself the time to stop, note and feel, and remember to breathe. Continually practicing presence.

  • Without

    I often get the question; ‘What was it like growing up with your parents?’ – especially those who have read my story.

    Ill tell you. In a moment..

    Im just reading Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perrys book ‘What Happened to you?’ in which they describe what it would be like to ask this question (as opposed to ‘whats wrong with you?) in regard to responding to situations of trauma in society – especially amongst some of the most judged in society (notably young people). It has given me much food for thought, especially in regard to youth/community practice, and ill share more on that on my other blog.

    But the book also touches on a personal level.

    So Ill give you a trigger warning, Emotional and Parental Abuse.

    There’s a beautiful story near the end of the book in which Oprah recalls a friend of hers cutting up a strawberry in the kitchen in which the friend delicates cuts up the strawberry for the daughter in the shape of a rose, and calls them rose strawberries, it is in this moment that Oprah thinks to herself:

    This is what a mothers love is

    Oprah Winfrey, 2021

    It is when Oprah sees the example of love that she realises what she didnt have, that she grew up ‘without’.

    Without a Mothers Love.

    I have written before about how growing up with psychopathic parents meant growing up Alone. It was also about growing up ‘Without’ .

    Yet it was a bizarrely hidden ‘without’ .

    It was a ‘without’ behind closed doors. Behind the doors of respectability that didnt include any of the so called ACES (adverse childhood experiences), it didnt involve moving houses, countries or cities, or being in care. It didnt involve divorce or unemployment.

    It was like existing without care, protection, love, nurture, support.

    It was without being seen, being visible.

    It was without being able to ask, for anything

    It was without.

    It meant learning to exist with a shield, strength shield of ‘learning to cope without’ or denying the need of any of these things.

    Which is why I sought refuge into my head. And pretending that everything was ok. That I was ok.

    And buying mothers days was an activity filled with falseness, real birthday cards were blank ones.

    When I grew with a fear of seeing to be selfish – then I understood not to ask when in need of anything – to go without

    When I grew up told off for being ungrateful – then I understood not to ask for something in case it would appear that I wasn’t content with what I had.

    When I grew up without praise or affirmation – then I learnt to keep working harder without reward, in case there might be one.

    Growing up without meant – amongst other things – without pocket money (that’s what Granny does and I dont do that, also ‘you’ll just waste it’) . Money and possessions are a big deal with the psychopathic/narcissist, everything belongs to them.

    Without meant turning up to school with arm patched up clothes, packed lunches, and when the dentist suggested braces and travelling 11 miles to get them fitted and fixed every 3 months being told ‘ No you can’t have them that bad as I’m not going to do that’ .

    When I grew up trying to understand how to survive every action or moment without being told off, or ‘upsetting the mother’ – then realising what isn’t there love, care, attention, affection, visibility, nurture, protection doesn’t even figure. There was no giving only taking.

    Oh and it extended well beyond childhood.

    There was no offer to contribute towards any studies, (even though there was insistence to attend 1 graduation) , neither was any support , housing or financial during my marriage separation 4 years ago (but there was upset that I didnt ask) . These were experienced, without.

    It was also a without so many things, and yet as I use this phrase it reminds me that ‘with’ was one of their phrases around food. It would be after some fairly disastrous first course, that a second (pudding) would be unleashed. It would be some kind of over baked, under fruited, or reduced priced pie/crumble or equivalent, and to hide it various additions would be trailed out of the fridge, to hide the original monstrosity/admission of undervalue – so ice cream (value/vanilla usually), evaporated milk or custard – or at Christmas cream or the squirty cream – the ‘with it’ was a show, a covering. It was over done, to hide ‘without’ . At this point the challenge was to be true and ‘go without’ because what looked like ‘a lot’ – a table with 5 of cream, ice cream or custard – was lacking something core, but to deny it was to appear ungrateful, because there was a weird kind of choice on offer. Gifts were toxic. So actual need requests couldnt be asked for.

    That’s what growing up in a psychological abuse home was like.

    It was without care. It was without heart, soul, safety, space, or fun.

    There was ‘with’ – but it came at a price.

    So I read Oprah and Perrys book, and realise that what I have wanted to be able to give, I had to learn, but was not what I had any experience of. Growing up emotionally alone, meant going without, existing without, surviving without, making life work for me, despite them, not because of them.

    Growing up ‘without’ meant too that I was completely susceptible to any care and attention from others, I didnt have a ‘God shaped hole’ in my life – it was more emotionally psychological than that (not that I knew at the time, most of the time) , but I certainly filled this with ‘God-shaped’ activities, in becoming part of a church through my teens and beyond. Neglect is one of the biggest issues in Child Safeguarding.

    That ‘without’ has then played out in so many ways.

    As I grew up ‘without’ I had to force myself to consider valuing myself.

    To ‘treat’ myself

    To ask for help – and know it could be trusted

    To realise I couldn’t do it alone

    To realise too that I could receive love, blessings, hope and be able to see, feel and experience the love of the universe, God and others.

    Over the last few weeks I have realised that I would have struggled to read, or dwell in the ‘Blessings’ of the book that I bought a few weeks ago (by John O Donohue) – I would have discounted these as weird, ‘new age’ , ‘not very christian’ – all to hide the real truth, that I didnt want to accept that I could receive something good, or feel something good, a blessing.

    Learning to live ‘without’ – has meant having to now come close to and notice those things, notice, accept, and know. Sometimes I get angry that I realise how much I was fucked up by my parents. Sometimes, like this moment with Oprah and a strawberry it gives me an opportunity to pause again, face a truth, and remind myself, compassionately of who I truly am. To be grateful of how I survived, and my strength in doing so. To be compassionate on my wounded heart and its capacity to love.

    There are many scarcities in life, and shame is one of them, its anti dote is self compassion. So, as I close…

    May I breath in the love of the universe, kindness, goodness and generosity, may I be healed through attending to myself, and holding myself with warmth. May I hold myself with warmth as I attend to and discover what happened to me.

    Every moment acts as an opportunity for self compassion. This journey keeps on giving.

    Thank you and bless you for reading. May you receive and give love.