I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.
Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’
It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work
I didnt want to do that thing, say No.
I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.
I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?
Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.
Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs
How dare you say no to me!
You’ve upset me and let me down
You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault
I dont like you when you say no
You always do what you want
and the rest…
Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links
So I was building up to the phone call.
Deep breath.
Adrenaline going
Lots of energy being spent…
and…
And it was ok.
The person understood.
The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.
The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.
Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’
The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.
What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.
I said No today and It was ok.
I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.
I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!
I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.
I put my needs first.
I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.
I chose myself.
Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.
Or worse – they started to attack.
what will be their reaction,have you let people down again? and the rest…
Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.
I had a reminder of the power of No.
I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.
I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.
Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…
What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…
They know that they need to use other people to get people to do things for them
They know that they cant take responsibility
They know that when they write to you
So, they write with only wanting to win or get something from you in mind.
Therefore:
What does this mean for the abusive, emotionally immature parent and how they communicate? – especially when its in writing – via email or text?
Well, thats when it gets weird.
They cant hide, what Gary Zukav describes as their split consciousness or personalities – in fact its often the place where it is most revealed.
they cant get away with more verbally as it spews out so quickly – but in writing….
These are just some of the examples of weirdness in emails I have received in the last 20 odd years.
The Formal. Their professional life is when they feel ‘safe’ or accepted – so they revert to using only professional language within their family communications. A formal note to let you know that ‘the Professor ______ (Mum or Dad to you) is moving jobs and is inviting you to a service of celebration’ or a formal text directing you to do something – that sounds as if your boss wrote it, not a parent. Its dissociation from any attachment to parental role. Writing to you in the third person. They know they’ve been awful at it so they are avoiding it.
The Confused tense. Its like an email that was written by 4 separate people but was only written by one of them. It could start with ‘your mother’ then ‘I’ is as in their professional role (again), then theres a ‘Mum’ at the end, and a PS referring to ‘Your Dad’ it could be all over the place in terms of who is writing it. They could throw in a few first names in their too.
Hide and Seek. This is when the abusive one gets the other parent to write the email, because you haven’t responded for the 3rd/4th/5th time to theirs. But – there will be clues that its not really the other parent that has written it. And if it is, it will have had to go through the abusive parent screening process – or been written together. Remember when Ivanka Trump wrote that formal statement/email one time… – who do you think wrote it… exactly. Often the negotiator parent is the other parent, actual abuser hides away.
Find the sympathy ; This is when the abusive parent uses the other one to cause you to feel guilty. They do this because they know that they cant illicit any sympathy from you about them, even though they try. So its like dad writing; ‘ Your mother was very upset when…. ‘ or mum writing; ‘ Dad was angry when ….’ They willl rarely say ‘I was upset when’ if they have to have control of the communication, but know that they cant illicit the sympathy, so they use someone else.
The Contradictions: Each communication is a contradiction. There will be one thing they want from it – and this is usually embedded in a whole load of extraneous confusing manipulative rubbish, or where the title and content of the email make absolutely no coherance whatsoever.
The Giveaway. Somewhere in the communication, they will give away something that they feel gives them the upper hand, to make you threatened. So they’ll say something like ‘ Hows the new job going?’ – when you know you haven’t told them – but they’ve got the information from somewhere, someone, or by stalking you on social media.. they give it away, because they want you to stew over how they know. They might giveaway a whole host of other things, theres usually one or two in there. Like I say, they leave a trail….
The Trigger. They love this. As Lindsay Gibson writes, they will use Guilt, shame, fear or duty to try and get you to do what they want you to do (Gibson 2019) . (you just have to work out which it is) – Some where there is a trigger in it of one of these. Another trigger cause be some like their give away, or just some thing that causes you to respond as in a trauma state – fight, flight, fawn, freeze etc, they do it deliberately. Why? – because they want a response, any response is attention, any angry response and they have won. They just want to win.
Triangulation tactics: Watch for all the items where they want information from you about other people – because those other people aren’t giving them information – and dont be their mole. Also – watch for all the times where they want to be the beholders of information and control by swirling drama – like sharing news about a family members illness – only to when you get this checked out with someone else it wasnt anything like as bad as it was. They were just using it to make themselves look like they were concerned and to have some communication. I used to get ‘ ______ is really ill at the moment we think she might be on their last few days, but dont worry about coming to visit’ – What does this reveal? exactly – and when I could spot it… The person wasnt as ill, and then I got the information from better sources.
Old Memories. Theres a reason why that parent might refer you back to a time when ‘things were rosy’ and ‘how much your parents loved you’ or ‘those happy holidays in 1972’ – because…. they might well have been the happiest time for them, in regard to you – it was a time when you hadn’t worked them out yet (you were only 7) or had only just met them in the family (you just got engaged to them, if it was your ex or their parents) – the past is littered with memories that they had of you – but you probably didn’t share – or their was so many other memories that could also be had that even on the same holiday others didnt share. they might have had a great time in 1972 – but its unlikely anyone else on the same holiday did. They take you back – to see if they can ‘win’ by appealing to a time…
Emotional Projection. Its a bit like the formal writing of number 1, but slightly more subtle. Its more like you are their emotional dump ground where they want to tell you everything about them, their pains, ailments (sympathy), how ___ treated them (playing victim) , the price of petrol, money worries (shared pain – I want your empathy) , a struggle to overcome (be proud of me) , I did a thing (look at me) , Im about to do a thing please come and see me do a thing (look at me, they love showing off by the way) , complaints about so and so in the family (are you on my side?) , look at them being all such and such (but dont look at my faults and weaknesses) – they’re pulling you into their drama.
Watch for their (fake) concern. In amongst all of 1-10 – they might also give you this. A tiny little line in which they show some concern for you – its like the hamster trying to exist in a cage of snakes, the chocolate square in a lemon soup. Everything else is sour, sharp and dangerous – yet theres a tiny shred of something in amongst it to pull at a different bit of heartstrings. Those heart strings that have raged, numbed, been shredded by the other 90% of it – this is the bit that tempts you to go ; ‘ but they’re not that bad, look at least they’re trying’ – yeah – that hamster has got no change. Its not like a candle in the darkness, bearing warmth to everything else. Its a tantalising piece of concern chocolate in a soup of thick lemon, bitter, and out of place and context. A trap.
The Pained Ask: If they want to get you to fix their fence – they will find a way of guilting you into it – if they want just a reply- they will find a way. What they rarely do though is just ask the question. They won’t say ‘ Could you pop around and fix the fence please’ they’re more likely to say ‘Your Mother and I require your assistance to fix the fence’ (formal) or ‘Can you believe the fence fell down again and the dog escaped, next door went mad when she dug their roses, and she’ll do it again if you cant come around’ – their ask is embedded in so much other stuff…because they want to make it hard for you to say no. They think you’re more likely to care about the neighbours roses than them. Speed is a tactic of the emotionally immature – they want you to jump when they say.
The lies and often the Bullshit. Almost everyone from an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic psychopathic parent will be lies. Treat it as such, its their life script – to win at every interaction and do everything to do so – they generally do not care how. Get everything checked out if you can. They are likely to make stuff up or have no regard for truth at all – just to get a response.
Because of all of this, the lack of coherance, the ‘WTF’ reactions, the contradictions and manipulative asking – as a combination (and some emails can include all of this) – they convey nothing like what a ‘decent’ parent might actually communicate. But, most of the time, its been what you have been used to for your entire life, the weirdness thats so hard to explain, and only when someone else reads it do they provide you with clarity and validation of their abusiveness. What they often dont want to do is be completely threatening, offensive and – so what they look to do, is be just on the line, and make it look as though its a polite nice email – when actually it so loaded its nothing other than a continuation of fear, guilt and control tactics.
What to do when they get in touch? – look for all the clues – breathe and step away. You don’t need to respond, it doesn’t matter what the urgency is they exclaim – often they can find someone else- but are hoping you are still under their spell.
What do I learn from all of this – that from an early age – I become a studier of persons and interested in psychology.
Often its the emails that a hidden away, we lock them in a terror box, in the spam folder, read once and never to see the light of day, (and no I haven’t just received one) – I rarely hear discussed is email communication by abusive parents/people – and so I thought I would bring some of these weird tactics to the light.
For more on dealing with Emotionally Immature parents I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibsons books, or Nina Browns – both have excellent guidance, checklists, examples and give so many good tips on dealing with narcissistic parents. (I have put links in the resources page above)
Thank you for reading and being part of this journey as I have shared chapters and sections of my story of surviving abusive parenting – all the sections are in the menu above.
What are the weird things that you’re abusive/narcissistic parents write to you?
(before you blocked them or put them in their place)
We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming
Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991
That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.
Something clearly resonated.
A song that said something about being together, and alone.
Thats what my family was like.
We are all together, alone.
Growing up alone.
Thats what I had to do.
People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.
People stay away.
There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.
And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house
Monster mother invalidates them.
‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.
Then theres the role playing.
The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.
So people stay away.
But its not just the extended family who stay away.
Within the family – its wholly divided up.
Its the only way a monster maintains their power.
Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty
Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.
And then that leaves me.
Growing up alone.
Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.
Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.
Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.
‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.
So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.
I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.
It is growing up alone.
And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.
The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.
Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.
It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…
I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.
If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.
I have just read two books over the Christmas holidays, as I travelled to San Diego to spend my first Christmas with my partner, and now fiancé, Christelle. I knew I would have time on the journeys to read, and maybe time during, also one of the things that Christelle and I do a lot of is read to each other. The books were ‘The Seat of the Soul’ by Gary Zukav, and ‘The Choice’ by Edith Eger, and today I have just finished the second the two. Both books have been incredible in very different ways. But its Edith Egers that I have underlined more furiously, and brought so many aspects of my own journey to there surface.
In ‘The Choice’ Edith describes her experiences growing up in Hungary/Czechoslavakia, being sent to Auschwitz in 1938, dancing for the Dr of Death, surviving, when 1m others didnt, being taken to camp, work house, woods, being starved, punished and separated from her family, some of which she had no knowledge of whether they were alive.
In the second half of the book she describes her marriage, her children and then her journey into becoming a therapist, and then going back to the places, Germany and Poland, where she experienced her traumas. She intertwines beautifully how her patients in therapy brought her to her own self reflection of her past, present and future, and how, ultimately, we all have a choice.
I will more than likely write about a number of aspects from the book, there are so many. The first is what struck me, about the things that gave her hope during the years in Auschwitz; three things emerge from her story; One is the love of her life – Eric, who she was separated from, the other was her Sister – who she was with for much of these years – and the third thing were the words of her mother – and the dream that one day she would see her mother again.
‘I hear my mothers words come back to me, as though she is there in there barren room, whispering through the music..‘just remember, no one can take away from you what you have put in your own mind’
Later Edith reverses something her mother had said to her (Im glad you have brains, because you have no looks) in Auschwitz, for survival, she translated this as ‘I’ve got brains, I’m smart, I can figure this out’
One of the questions my therapist asked me in a very first session with her over a year ago was ; ‘What were some of the life lessons you received from your parents?’
Nothing.
But that wasn’t exactly true. There were rules… but not life lessons
Whats fascinating is that the very people who want to control you, dehumanise you, abuse you and neglect you, are the very people who give you no advice for how to overcome them. That makes sense, doesnt it.
So, had I been sent to the plains of the Gulf in 1990, or Kosovo in 1997, or a Nuclear bomb landed on Market Harborough in 1991 and I was having to survive that situation, there would have been no life advice, at all. I would have been armed with such wise sayings like
‘Dont you dare upset me again‘ or
‘I need you to make me proud‘
‘ Dont you be so smart’
‘ You’re asking too much, dont be spoiled’
‘ I needed to get that temper out of you’
‘Dont be so ungrateful’
These would have been pretty useless in terms of what I needed to survive, should I have been put in a place to have to.
Thats the thing, they dont give you guidance for life – just rules, or invisible rules, of obedience in their created world. Its like any of the ‘gifts’ they give – they are loaded with hidden meaning, and rarely meant for your actual good.
Unlike Edith, I had to rely on an inner voice despite the emotional contagion of the parent who’s world everything had to revolve around. How do you trust an inner voice that is so disabled and frightened?
I also realise, that from a very early age, probably 9-10 that I had to rely on myself, to survive – developing my own inner voice that was all about survival. Not unlike Edith, but my escape date was when I was 18, and I was counting down the days from about the age of 12. Edith had no idea when hers was.
My personal prison, was the family home – with the emotionally abusive monster within. I don’t compare my situation to Ediths in terms of severity in any way, but it brought to my attention the lack of guidance or wisdom passed on to me by my parents, ever. I also note how desperate Edith was to see her parents again, to have them alive, to go back to a time when this was the case. I watched as other children ran to hug their mum at school and nursery. I had to be dragged away from school, and the one who wanted to be last to leave every day.
So I developed an inner voice- a survival voice one day this will be over, ill survive, I always do, and needed voices of support from outside the situation. Some from books, some from teachers, some from youth workers and church.
But its strange that reading a book about a Holocaust survivor brings me closer to aspects of my own past. Closer to aspects that were different for me, closer to aspects that reveal what I did or didn’t have. What if its not your care-giver that gives you couple through the trauma – but the one who creates the trauma? What if thats what I have to heal from?
I was wondering, what are the things we do, when in the midst of abusive relationships, before we realise that it wasn’t actually us?
Therapy is one of them
This reminded me of more….in an abusive relationship, of some of the strong imbalances..
You do the work – for those that wont
You do the thinking – for the one that wont
You show up – for the one that hides
You take the blame – for the one that gives it
You have principles, of truth – for the one who is just out to win
You do the time – for the one who wants easy
You solve and fix – the damage they create
You take on their issues – for the one who demands it
You take on responsibility – for the one who avoids it
You invest in the relationship – for the one who expects it
You respond to their emotions – for the one who projects them
You keep the peace – for the drama that spews from them
You stay the quiet one – for the one who can’t see themselves, making the noise
You remember things – for the one who’s amnesia is selective
You start….eventually… too see….
Yourself, in a way they cannot see.
and
Them, in a way they cannot see either.
That you are more than an extension of their abuse
That all you have dealt with, are tools too for making you strong.
You and I have put up with so much, that its now time to fly.
As a friend commented to me, there are nuances to this, that a short article can never convey, my focus on this is more parent/child abusive relationships, but that doesnt negate the possibility/reality that partner relationships can be very one sided and these binary occur. The adage that ‘they dont change’ unless we do is undoubtedly true, but as you do change, seeing the extent of that weight can start to be released..
As a youth worker you get to hear alot of stories and moral panics about abusive or absent Dads, and the effect this has on children. It is often in regard to the behaviour of those children, especially in education or criminal contexts. Theres a cry for ‘better role models‘ – assuming that parental role models aren’t good enough. It is easy to blame the parents.
The same rhetoric was used in those ‘christian’ mid nineties evangelical circles too that I grew up in, anyone else remember the ‘Even if your Dad was ______, God is a perfect father’ type stuff. Usually the reference to a Dad being abusive or absent. Strange thing then, that during those times there was little critique on that ‘perfect’ father sending a son to die.
I digress, and the discussion on absent or abusive fathers doesn’t really need repeating here, only to note how pejorative it is, and only too often, sadly and tragically, how common this is, and with the misuse of concepts like ACES*, children and young people are predicted behaviour and outcomes based on this in state settings, and barely given a chance to be different at times.
But my experience is different. And so might yours be.
What about a boy raised by an abused Dad?
Ive just tried googling images for ‘Abused Dad’ – have a guess at what I found?
This:
Note what emerges.
Article and article about Abusive Dads and Fathers. men who abuse their wives, their children, who dominate, hit, provoke, sexually abuse, financially abuse and the list terrifyingly goes on…..
Not Dads who are abused themselves.
I watched this a few weeks ago
In the TED talk above, Justin reflects on the qualities of his Dad, and how growing up he was determined to be different – Justin didnt want to be soft, kind and gentle – only to realise later that these were good qualities to have, and were part of his core.
So I pose myself the question; What kind of a Man did I learn from my own Dad?
Let’s start with the positives – everyone, outside, and some inside the family love my Dad. He would do anything for anyone, mostly in a practical way – fixing, decorating, making, constructing, he is softly spoken and rarely impulsive. He worked hard, and didnt cause or create any stress or drama.
But the rest of the time, he was a ghost. He was belittled and devalued, and threatened, walking on eggshells all the time. He could only obey the other parent, becoming the flying monkey, the accomplice, completely untrustworthy. He tolerated being lied to, by someone who was gaslighting him all the time. I dont remember him ever expressing his needs, ideas or dreams, and was told what to do nearly all the time. His invisibility extended to offering almost no nurturing or protection at all – deferring everything to the other parent, someone so sunk that they couldn’t be a healthy father figure at all. One who conceded.
I could go on, as there is more, and none of this is to be critical of him – given the extent of the manipulation he has suffered – this is more to reflect on what its like being Male, and a Dad, and growing up with an Abused Dad.
For one, there is almost nothing to read on this – even some of the emotionally ‘immature’ parent books defer to general characteristics of dominating Dad figures – and as I said above – try doing a google search.
Boys or Girls and their Abusive Mother figure may come up, but what are the effect on a child of their abused Dad?
What kind of Man/Masculinity did I see, and experience growing up?
Someone passive to women or others needs – no regard of their own
Someone with no role with their children
Someone with no voice
Someone weak
Someone who accepted being lied and pretended to
Someone who is weaponised by the other
Just a tool for someone else to get what they want.
I reflect on these, not with anger or bitterness, not with remorse or grief, but a sense of being in the process of understanding what the effect of an abused male care-giver had on my life – and not just an abusive female role-care giver. The abused dad rarely gets talked about, hen-pecked might be a mild term for emotionally manipulated.
I think what i’m trying to come to terms with is how challenging it is to try and talk about this, ‘some dads are abused too’ ..’some men are abused in domestic abuse relationships’ ‘some boys have emotionally abused fathers too’ – and what’s likely is that these situations are so likely to go under the radar. As that boy, might be kind, sensitive and attuned to the needs of others – and not themselves, that boy might be more likely bullied than a bully, that boy might like the quiet life, that boy might have issues with women – or find themselves in relationships with dominating women, that boy might struggle in a number of ways, but those ways might not be as evident as they dont fit the stereotype, if stereotypes are there to be fitted into anyway. They’re unlikely to be loud in a crowd and make a scene – getting attention.
That boy, might also struggle to know ‘how to be a man’ ….
When the female parent once told me to ‘stand up for myself’ it was ironic in that that was something she wouldn’t allow to happen to her, by my Dad. Stand up against bullies…but not the one in the home… a man is never right, a man always gives way, a man doesn’t have an opinion… oh and I knew I would have been punished had I hit that boy back….
I heard the advice as a teenager; ‘At least you’ll know how to treat a woman, given the way your Dad is‘ or words to that effect, and from a trusted source I internalised this, probably too much – to the detriment of treating myself, and being passive, putting myself lowest emotionally on the pecking order, because as I reflect I wonder how much that person saw and knew, and with the benefit of hindsight, the behaviour that has occurred 30 odd years since.
I reflect on also on the question of how all these things, and more, might be similar to children who grow up with the experience of their mum being emotionally, physically, sexually or spiritually abused, and what that is like for them, and whilst I clock it here as being highly significant and impactful in their life. This isn’t , as I say my experience, but I want to note it – and whilst its significantly more common, it doesn’t make it any less damaging on the child – this is in no way a comparison piece, but something I wanted to recognise.
There are plenty of cold maternal figures in the world, and plenty of female narcissists/psychopaths that go under the radar, yet alot rise in politics, business and also the church, and yet their damage to the men in relationships (and other females in their friendships) as well as their children is being more and more well known. What we don’t want to talk about is that Mothers have are cold, colder than ice, with only pretence of warmth, if that. So what might that mean for the Male parent, and how being the victim of domestic abuse , has on they children they have? – especially for their boys? What about the children, the boys, who get caught up the female narcissists loyalty games against that abused Dad? What kind of male/masculinity does that boy grow up with? What kind of insecurities might they have to deal with? What did I? The list is extensive – alot of written about already in my story above.
For the Boys growing up with Abused Dads – what is that like for you? What resources have you found to be helpful in this? Have you found some good articles on this – please do share them below, it would be great to have comments and conversation on this, if you want to get in touch and share a story or piece on this, do let me know.
And, to finish with that theological premise at the beginning, I can’t help but wonder what kind of God I internalised given the association that was made between earth and heaven Father figures.
Maybe this is a conversation we need to have – whats it like growing up with an abused Dad?
*ACES – Adverse Childhood Experiences
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A few months ago I wrote a piece about the myths that surround in regard to parents – myths like ‘Parents love you whatever’ or ‘Mums are so supportive’ that do nothing for anyone who’s experience of parents is vastly different to this, to the point of being abusive, physically, emotional, sexually or spiritually (or a combination of all of these), they do more than nothing, they give these parents an already sympathetic starting point. If you want to have a read of that piece, it is here ; The myths about parents that prevent abuse from being believed.
You see the thing is, when youve known that your parents have been awful from an early age, you get the opportunity to respond to alot of ‘well-meaning’, sometimes trite, sometimes misadvised comments from people, who might be trying to help, without actually knowing the situation.
Sometimes these phrases do no more than pile on heaps of guilt and shame – that somehow I was to blame about the way my parents are, or were towards me, or they sort of encourage a kind of grief/guilt – that somehow I ‘should’ feel this way about my parents…but I don’t.
Maybe these are things ‘not’ to say to a child who is known to have difficult parents. Maybe these are things not to say to an adult child who is now able to deal with those parents, or even to grandchildren who have worked out their grandparents. Most of them I have heard in one form or another.
They can’t be that bad…because you turned out ok
They could have been worse
Your Poor parents having to deal with you
At least they stayed together when other couples didnt
You only get one set of parents
You’ll miss them when they’re gone, trust me
At least you have 1 decent parent
Of course they’re not perfect, you have too high expectations – go easy on them
Considering their past, they did their best
Look at what they did for you, kept you fed, and watered
You’re meant to honour them, the Bible says so.
You have to learn to forgive them
One day you’ll realise they were right all along (isnt that what they say about Dads?)
You’ll grow up and accept them as you get older.
Is it fair for your children to miss out on their grandparents?
Can you see how harmful some of these comments are? Ive received nearly all of them over the course of the 43 years of responding and trying to deal with my parents.
Some of these reflect how the person has been manipulated by the parents already (3), some of them reflect how that person might feel about their parents (6) others reflect a moral/spiritual imperative (11,12) that then requires some unpacking to not take on that shame and guilt.
Some of them seem to want to blame the child – that somehow they are responsible for their parents (8)
And some reflect that being grateful means that parents fulfilled a legal requirement , to be fed, watered and have somewhere to sleep (2, 10)
And obviously, the way I grew up and became who I am has something to do with them. (1) Gees, thanks for that one, they stole enough without that credit. What if children raised by narcissist parents got somewhere..despite them? not because of them. Yeah. Exactly. Because that’s the only way, or its a pile of self destruction and torment, or both.
It could be easy to say 9. But then again, thats like saying that every action they took for an entire parenthood can be attributed to their own childhood. And not everyone who grew up a baby boomer, or had a difficult childhood, or even an entitled one, is necessarily a bad parent. Some do the work. Some take responsibility.
And for number 5. Yes, you’re right… but your point is?
and 15… difficult one, but protecting them from harm is more important than toxicity and gifts.. isnt it?
Lets deal with number 6. Are you sure about that? Actually really sure? – didnt think so…
So maybe, if you have good parents, maybe if you’ve got amazing parents, maybe if your parent is your best friend, then do have a think about the effect of the well meaning saying on someone who really doesn’t have that kind of relationship with a parent. Someone, who maybe has had to do alot of work to create their own safe distance from their parents. Someone who has had to undergo the emotional torment of parent stuff for a very long time.
And that leads me on to number 14. This one is the only possible true one. Because growing up does happen, seeing them, even clearer does happen, accepting them does happen too, as does accepting that they are unlikely to change, they get worse (as Nina Brown describes) , and accepting and spending time with them are two vastly different things.
So from someone who has struggled alot with their parents, and heard many if not all of these things and more about what I’m expected to do, or feel about my parents, i thought I would write a few of these sayings down, because they are so common, so often said, and just want to say that you dont have to accept your parents, or like them, or put yourself in a place where they do not respect you. You are valuable, and can create situations to protect yourself from them.
And, sometimes its about biting your tongue, or giving that look to anyone who gives you the gift of the well meaning, but harmful phrase like above.
This piece was inspired by this one from Peg Streep ; 8 things not to say from someone estranged from a parent in it she writes the following about children who have to protect themselves from their parents, effectively estranging them and blocking them. I like what she says in response to my number 11 :
The taboo has the back-up of a Biblical Commandment which enjoins us to honor our mothers and fathers as well as deeply-held ideas about filial obligation and the never-ending gratitude we are supposed to feel for those who put us on the planet or took us in; who fed, clothed, sheltered, and educated us; and paid for all of those things. Since those happen to be legal requirements, it’s actually not snarky to note that if that were all that is required of a parent, an orphanage would be an ideal one.
Even though recent psychological research substantiates that the decision by the adult child to estrange from family is long thought-out and a process that may include periods of attempted reconciliation by the adult child, the culture still frames it as a fit of pique or anger and a sign of immaturity. In researching my books—over a decade now—I have found the decision to estrange as is almost always deeply thought through, worried about, and revisited in the thousands of people I have heard from over the years; these stories echo my own.
If you want to read more on this subject then I do recommend the books in the self-help resources section of this site, especially Nina Brown and Lindsay Gibsons, and also, in the process of seeing, realising, and loving yourself through the challenges of emotionally abusive parents, do seek out professional therapy to help you to reconstruct, and rebuild through it.
Feel free to share and like this piece to help others. Thank you
‘You’re just so ungrateful – after all I’ve done for you’
In my previous piece I talked about how my abusive caregiver in the way in which they cooked food, often would create inedible food, that actually could be damaging to eat, making the food so uncomfortable, that expressing gratitude or thanks was an act of fakery.
But toxic gratefulness wasn’t just food.
To keep a narrative about being ‘poor’ and working for a faith, and gaining sympathy from people – sympathy they also rejected, my parents specialised in the distribution of valueless, token, ill thought through gifts.
For 50 years.
At the time the gifts stunned and often brought tears to us as children, as well as our cousins too. They were countless items over the years – Christmas and Birthdays nearly always were tinged with some level of crushing disappointment. The specific item ‘wanted’ was instead replaced by one that was ‘needed’ without any care or deliberation.
And as children we were then punished for not being grateful for them.
It didnt stay as children.
My wedding present from my parents, was their second hand car, that they then expected us to pay for. They didnt want to give something on the wedding list as it wasnt what they wanted to give, so they didnt actually give anything.
A fiat Uno , G reg, but black.. that was my first car.
A few years later they said they wanted to pay for a pushchair/buggy for my oldest child, but in going to pay for it, in Durham mother care, the parent asked about ‘keeping the receipt, in case anything doesn’t work out with the baby’.
How can you be grateful when you are stunned by the awfulness? And yet, what do you do? In a public place – when they then make a big deal of ‘giving’ the pushchair in front of the till.
Food has already been mentioned. Though Toxic gratefulness occurred regularly, when theres ‘gifts’ given of food. The open cardboard box of reduced items in the supermarket they scavenged, or were going to waste, that they ‘bring’ – and ‘give’ at the front door. Yeah great.
The problem with all of this, even now, is that I start to sound ‘ungrateful’
And that’s it.
When we dare criticise them for how they have behaved towards us in any way. Not only do they selectively not remember. (and they do this often)
They hide behind, ‘telling the truth ‘ – I was just telling the truth to the cashier..
Or
the ultimate
‘You’re just being ungrateful, I did lots of things… you just dont realise how difficult you were’
‘You’re just being ungrateful, you have no idea how much I sacrificed for you‘
Toxic gratefulness. Though there must be a different word for it. It what gets banded out when the abusive one feels under threat, when their generosity is questioned.
Oh its my fault that you cant be generous now is it?
or
‘You have too high expectations‘ – Well if having awareness and empathy and value for others is ‘too high an expectation’..then..
or..the classic
‘I cant change who I am‘ ; Agreed, but why are you threatened when your awful behaviour is pulled up?
Because. The truth that they aren’t actually generous would hurt if they could even see themselves. But the reality is, is that they’re in such a deluded reality that they can’t see themselves anyway, not beyond their ego, and how the world is there for their taking and getting.
So they give minimally or not at all, or with the emotional loading attached like breadcrumbs from the table, or to try and hoover you back into their orbit, by their pretence of ‘being nice’.
I cant remember the age, but I think it was about 8, the birthday party at my house. the one where I only asked for one thing on the table, I didnt want a cake. I wanted a Black Forest gateaux. (yes it was 1986) They were in a supermarket. They cost £3 probably. Do you think I got one?
guess again?
Instead I got a two layer chocolate sponge homemade with some cream and cherry pie filling on it. Glorioulsy announced in front of my friends. Her version.
Where do you go apart from hide, or want to cry. Our birthdays, were their show.
‘Youre too hard on your mum, my friends would say as they laughed the next day at school, that case tasted yum’ It had no taste.
I didnt want large birthdays or parties, because I didnt want them to be at them. Since 8 (ish) I avoided them.
That they created birthday scenarios, and invited themselves to them, for both my 18th and 40th, and made everything so uncomfortable , not respecting or listening to me, was another thing. Having said I didnt want something, they did it anyway, because they felt they had the ‘right to’ and I had to be ‘grateful’ for something I didnt want, and be violated.
I learned to tune out. Go into the survival zone. It was the only way to cope. It’s like a surreal moment when time goes so so slow, every breath takes 40 seconds and your desperate to need to go pee every 2 mins just to get out of there. Its awfulness upon awfulness. Yet smile, as you don’t want to appear grateful, or that this isnt walking on eggshells or all a game that they’re publicly doing. Let’s not be an ungrateful Trophy child.
Which, by the way, they were rude to the service staff, and I had to pay the tip, for the thing they wanted to do, for my birthday.
I really do sound ungrateful. Dont I.
But thats just the thing. Every scenario is insidious, uncomfortable, disrespectful, and example upon example of awful behaviour that wounds, hurts, manipulates, and abuses. To start listing them, makes me out to be bitter. So, where is this kind of thing exposed? Do those who suffer this kind of awfulness from their parents have to suffer in silence?
Emotional abuse is so difficult to quantify, as is narcissistic abuse.
The penny drops eventually.
The penny drops in that you get to realise over a lifetime, that when there are things that might be considered worth being grateful for, they do these things for a show ‘ look at us spoiling you now, dont ask for this again’ and then that gifts are rarely so, the penny drops that they struggle to be generous in gift giving, because they struggle to actually be nice at all. Gifts are to create toxic gratitude. A show for them.
Its not just the stick that abuses, but the absence of anything resembling warmth, empathy, generosity and kindness. Its a kind of emotional neglect.
So, when I point out the examples above, they are because these are the stories that are most memorable, but lets not get me started on the myriad of others, or the drip drip of the dementor like taking presence in between.
Surviving psychopathic parenting, left a lasting effect on me, that over the last year im only beginning to understand. Gratefulness was one of the moral armouries used as a weapon.
Its hard to write about gratefulness without being… well you know. So no wonder as a child its a weapon.
What about in your case? Is this something you have experience of?
Its only when I share the stories that I realise how awful it was. So thats why I share. So that you can start to see and heal too.
If you’re reading this and its beginning a chain of thoughts in your head about your parents, or partner, then do seek support and a therapist, especially someone who can understand emotional abuse and trauma. There are resources on emotionally immature and narcissistic parenting in the resources section above, do check them out too.
Theres a reason why I made the logo to this page purple.
Purple became a healing colour for me.
As a weird coincidence I watched 2 films in the summer before I left the family home for the first time.
One was 12 Years a Slave.
The other was ‘The Color Purple’
Both astonishing films, both moved me to tears.
Both began to help me see something. Just began a tiny bit.
Abuse is sneaky, and so is the controlling slavery of it.
Not easy watching, but good watching none the less.
Fast forward a matter of a few weeks.
In the confusion of having left the family home, and the emotional clouds and fog.
I do have some freedom. Just the tiniest bits to breathe.
I manage to negotiate my own bank account, and even though I’m only in a one day a week job, and no house, but staying at a friends, I have the smallest speck of choice. Having to buy my own food and travel.
I also have a small amount to buy, for myself.
A new duvet, towels as I left with barely anything.
What I noticed was that I started to buy things for myself that were all there same colour.
Purple.
A purple towel
A purple jacket
Purple socks (in and amongst other colourful sock colours)
Purple T shirt
I start to see purple everywhere.
When I chose a fleece for the winter, I chose a purple ‘Tog-24’ one. I still have it.
Purple felt like it became a ‘thing’
Purple.
A cross between the peaceful blue, and the fiery red – that’s what i googled to see if there was meaning.
I had always been blue. Peaceful, compliant, giving, surviving, silent
Red was slowly entering.
Slowly.
My healing colour was the colour Purple.
It was weirdly unintentional at the time, but maybe it was trying to tell me something.
Colour was also returning, from a place of grey and ash.
Blue was almost a default colour, blue was the only way to be and survive, from childhood and onwards. I wasn’t red and fiery, blue pacified. Blue water evaporates with fire, though it can also quench it.
I started to notice the purple. I started to feel more like purple than blue.
I was changing.
I was beginning the tiniest journey then of seeing colour.
Anyone panic when that message or that text or email arrives? From ‘that’ person?
Its like a shock, a reaction, pangs of fear, of guilt and brain on overload…
Sometimes it is just better to block them, to avoid this possibility, but what if that isn’t possible..there needs to be contact?
After 6 months of no contact, the abusive parents sent a few ‘contact bombs’ in the last few months
often its just a
‘dont forget about us’
‘dont try and have fun’
Ever notice how they do a scattergun of contact..to see who bites? – thats another tactic too, when it’s a whole family.. but
It got me thinking, when ‘that’ message appears… and after spending a moment to breathe, to regroup- what are some of the things to think about in receipt of the message, to decide what’s been said, being done, and what/if any response is actually required.
Heres an number that I’ve come up with
They usually lie- are they selling the truth this time?
it could be a half truth, hidden/masked – there often some truth in there… (what’s the lie cloaking it)
Whats the hidden message in this message?
How are they revealing themselves in this?
What are the verifiable facts of this situation?
What is the seriousness of this crisis- if it is one at all?
Could they solve it themselves..if they calm down?
When should I respond, because I don’t need to immediately?
What role am I being out in in this message ? Is it rescuer, persecutor or victim?
Is this your reponsibility to fix/rescue?
What does this message make me feel.. and what does my gut say?
Have I been in this position before and is it part of a pattern? – what can I do to step out?
What statement can I use in response , that allows me to be true to myself, and get the outcome I want?
What method is best to respond with, if a response is required…
Some of these might fit some situations better than others, some may not be appropriate at all. You dont have be the same with them that you have been before. You dont have to revert to a role. You dint even need to think that you have an obligation
the more questions you ask, the slower you are being, taking time, taking time back.
The only way someone else might change, is if you do – if you start responding differently.
If that reveals their anger, coded often in the next message…then that is also their responsibility.
Emotionally immature people exaggerate and distort everything – their crisis hasn’t been thought through by them, and so they’re dragging you into it – someone must save them, even if its just feeding the cat
It is always up to you to decide what level of response to give, independent of their pressure and wildfire emotions. If they make it a lack of love if you dont give them what they want, in their time..then see this as the emotional manipulation it is.
If you delay – but they refuse – they are promoting a distortion..that you dont matter as much as they do… again..you dont have to accept this offer of a skewed-one sided relationship. ‘I can’t believe you’re not doing this for me in my hour of need’ …step back out of this…
If you do give…decide what you are willing to..
And yes, some incidents may well require a response, if life or death or third party injury
A question to ask is what is about their request that causes the often immediate reaction, that had traditionally put me, and many others into that same whirlwind of emotional distortion and abuse.. often its one of three things
feeling bad for saying no
Being afraid of their anger
fearing being judged and punished
It was important for me to reflect on why my responses to emotionally abusive people were as they were, and if im honest it was all of the above at different times, im not going to deny this, having been the recipient of anger, or threats of anger, and also punished as a child. Feeling bad for saying no, was wrapped up in ‘being nice’ , ‘keeping the peace’ and also no concept of standing up for myself, just crumbling underneath projected anger of women, especially the parent. That fear/stuck moment I described at the top is that disconnection… breathing and reclaiming time and asking questions… as well as developing self awareness, and self respect (actually I deserve better that to be spoken to like this) is all key. As you know, it was therapy 28 months ago that started the emotional rebuild for me.
I also think that in a faith community some of these become attached to spiritual language to make them more manipulative ‘God wants you to love everybody’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to say no to me’ ‘Obey your parents..or else’ Read it as manipulation, and take out the spiritual stuff, because its weaponising with scripture.
So I want to end this, but saying… you dont have to agree with their judgement of you, or choose to take on the guilt that their distortion projects onto you
What that text arrives… breathe…pause…think…- and repeat this as necessary… remind yourself of you. And then decide if and an appropriate response.
Theres more on this in Lindsay C Gibsons book ‘Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, 2019) chapter 4 – ‘Resisting the emotional take-over’.
In researching this piece I discovered this article
21 Signs of an abusive parent – It is highly accurate and triggering, but, if you are in any doubt of the nature of the relationship with your parents.
Would you add any other questions? or have any other strategies for dealing with this? Do share below, and thank you for reading, do share with anyone you know who is going through this kind of thing in an abusive relationship with partner, parents or others. If you’d like to support me, please do click the link on the right and buy me a coffee.. for about £3.. thank you
James Ballantyne 