One of the confusing things about growing up and living with someone who is emotionally abusive (and this also applies to physically abusive too), is that they are rarely abusive all the time.
Some people are, and that id learned to switch off from my parents at an early age would indicate that I knew they were unsafe, and emotionally neglectful and immature.
Because if someone is abusive all the time, then, unless they were trapped in the relationship, and spousal, or parental relation is certainly entrapping, the person on the receiving end is more likely to leave, and do so pretty quick, especially if theres a safe alternative.
In my own experience of surviving abuse I was on the receiving end of this trick.
Its known as Breadcrumbing.
and for someone like me who likes watching wildlife, at Cowpen Bewley Duck pond, the image is pretty accurate.
Families every now and then show up with bread for the ducks. The left overs, the scraps. Its rarely/never the first slice of the sourdough or granary crusted loaf. But each time, the ducks swim to the shore, ready to be fed.
The problem with too much bread is that it causes issued with Ducks. But they forget and devour it anyway.
Its the same with Breadcrumbing.
Its like swallowing ultimately toxic bread, receiving the scrappy gifts from abuser, to keep you heading back to the shore. Like a pavlov dog, but in duck form.
This video is where I first came across there term, do have a look
Breadcrumbing in an abusive relationship has a number of aims, depending on the type of abuse.
- To try and create confusion in your mind that this person isn’t always abusive/horrid
- For the abuser to show to others that they are ‘trying’
- For you to give them a second/another chance
In my own experience I’ve tasted the breadcrumbs. I think there’s a number of different types, both physical, verbal, emotional and financial. I probably don’t need to describe all the different options used some include:
- Overly Expressive physical gifts
- Sex
- Promises of verbal affection ‘Im trying to be good’, ‘Ill try harder’ ‘ill say I love you every day..if you do’
- Offering to help you when you’re in dire need, but this is out of character (abusers can love playing rescue, especially if you’re ill)
- Financial gifts,
- Being given a pay rise of 3% as NHS staff through the pandemic – when theres corruption elsewhere. (Yes, sometimes breadcrumbs are scattered to ‘feast on’ by the hungry ducks, when theres first class feasting happening elsewhere.
- Some physical help, again to rescue you.
- A one off, unguarded moment or experience that ‘wasn’t that bad’ – the fun stops when your feelings and needs are considered though…As long as you were enjoying their fun…
- They might even ‘do’ something to keep you happy – like fulfil a request, like go to AA or therapy, but its only as a trick, and not done with authenticity
Whatever it is, its crumbs from the table, to keep you going back..
For some of us though, the crumbs themselves have been toxic, not even nice bread at all. I know of gifts given to me that make for uncomfortable receiving. Like trying to be grateful for a ‘gift’ of reduced priced food, or napkins, or presents that were clearly won on raffle tickets. Some of those gifts evoked beatings as a child, for not being ‘grateful’ , and I wasn’t the only one. On some occasions these were justified because I was just ‘spoilt’ for asking for too much.
One of the problems, as Lindsay C Gibson writes is that the breadcrumbs represent a kind of misplaced hope that we think ‘they may have changed’ or that ‘we think that the relationship may be better’ , and as a child what happens is that the child hops around that parent like an hungry bird, trying to elicit some kind of positive response from them. The abusive parent, or partner, gives away the occasional reason to keep hoping. Though some, as I experiences really dont bother.
Gibson writes that somer Emotionally immature parents can be generous, with a catch. (Gibson, C 2019) . Giving with their own tastes in mind, and what they would like to get, they give to themselves by proxy, and sometimes get it right, but rarely. And even though they say they might be ‘being fair’ the bread crumbing from parents is different to different children, as it fuels the division and projects the different roles for each of the siblings.
It makes sense though doesn’t it, and is a reason why the receiving of gifts is so difficult beyond an abusive relationship, because what’s been received has often been gifts chucked like breadcrumbs to the ducks.
The thing is, how many crumbs do you accept before realising it?
What do you do to realise its only the crumbs you’re getting, when you deserve better?
References
Gibson , Lindsay C – Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents 2019
James Ballantyne 