Every time I click onto my ‘WordPress’ app on my phone it gives me a different question prompt for the day, as an example, todays is ‘What do you know about where you live’ , and normally, because there’s often a few hundred answers recorded and I dont always want to answer it, I ignore it.
Yesterday however I was about to. It asked the following question:
What positive emotion do you feel the most often?
I looking at this whilst I was out and about shopping in the morning, and so it occupied my thinking around Morrisons.
My mind went to times of deep content and happiness, about the times of being at peace and still, about times when I feel safe and loved, and I smiled a little reflecting on these as I was doing my food shopping. It felt good to have a bank of experience of good feelings and emotions to draw from.
So I nearly answered the question.
But then I stopped myself. A tiny bit.
I realised that as I was thinking about the question I had fallen into a bit of trap.
in which I was labelling ‘good’ emotions and ‘bad’ emotions – or positive feelings and negative feelings. (and I know emotions and feelings are slightly different but im using them interchangeably here)
And by doing so giving so called ‘bad’ feelings a further reason to avoid them or feel fearful of them, if they are ‘bad’ then I can have reason for feeling shame for having them – anger, fear, distress, frustration, grief , yet these are all part of the human experience – more so – they are part of your and my collective humanity.
I have had to dig deep over the last few months, circumstances that ill not disclose, have caused me to face a number of situations, that have required intense emotional energy, both in fearing, in feeling injustice and feeling horrified, angry and grief.
I know in the past I would have faced difficult situations with a Stoical ‘I will survive’ kind of mentality, or dismiss my own feelings at the time, for others, or project anger or grief elsewhere (Twitter was great for this). More often I would avoid the feeling, it was shameful and unsafe to have them. I had internalised that having feelings made me a bad person. So ‘Im Ok’ would suffice.
By being stoical and ‘avoiding’ the deep emotions and feelings – that included anger, anger that revealed grief, and grief that meant loss, I would keep all of that buried underneath. I couldn’t have feelings, and definitely not ‘so-called’ bad ones.
But suppressing feelings and emotions – meant not experiencing life, its goodness and beautiful moments too. As I read recently Sensitive by Hannah Jane Walker, she described the effect on a child of having parents who nurture or ignore a Childs emotions and their expression of them. My parents stole my emotions, to comfort themselves and keep up pretences. The more I realise this, the more that I understand the complex nature of what I have had to work through to be better and healthier emotionally, for myself and others.
Back to digging deep, I have days when I can sense that I feel unsettled, out of kilter- mainly also because I have an experience of days in which I feel calm, content and happy too – I can sense that there is ‘something’ and nagging feeling – and I can make a choice as to what I do with it, and I know there are days when I dont want to. I know there are days when I become afraid of what I might be feeling or wanting what is behind it to reveal itself.
I am never upset for the reason I think
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (Taken from A course in Miracles)
The temptation , because of learned behaviour, would be for me to avoid whatever it is. It’s more than likely to be be painful. At least that what ‘that voice’ says in my head. Those days then become a bubbling pot of anxiety and forgetting to breathe. They do more damage in, than out.
I wonder if the problem isn’t the feeling or the emotion itself, but our relationship to it, and the means in which we have to express these healthily.
So the labels of ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings aren’t helpful, they are what they are – feelings.
They happen, and it is better to notice them, feel them and find ways of giving them healthy air.
If you’re anything like me then you may have felt unsafe expressing your feelings or found a way to talk your way out of them, suppress, deny and invalidate.
So it makes it more of a challenge to do this when feelings get associated with judgement like good or bad. Ironically – a ‘bad’ feeling about something.. might be a good natural early warning sign – that you can choose to ignore or do something about – it’s a protective good thing, potentially.
I was wondering whether there might be a better way of ‘collectivising’ feelings and emotions- could they be like tools in a shed, or toolbox – different feelings appropriate and used in different ways – but this metaphor almost give the impression that when we see a need we can choose the right tool, but feelings can be more intuitive and instinctive than this, its not a matter of picking the right feeling for the occasion, its that those feelings accompany the occasion or situation, and its important to adopt a healthy relationship with the feeling.
How do you respond when you can sense the feeling? Does a critical voice tell you off for being joyful at something you felt joy happening? or a voice tell you that you’re not supposed to feel a certain way? Because, you are allowed to. It’s totally natural. Totally. But that voice suggests that it’s not valid, not to be trusted. A feeling, is just that a feeling, and whilst it’s not to be fully trusted every time, it’s equally not to be dismissed or ignored either – or invalidated. It is neither bad, nor good, it is what it is.
Those feelings aren’t bad, but need appropriate attention and releasing, space and warmth to accept them, to become friends with, to feel them as they are, in all the human messiness and complexity. There is no shame in feeling, there are no bad feelings.
But, there are pretty awful things that we can do, because of giving into anger, fear or grief, and thats something different altogether.
Said the older man in the film Pride, to the main character Mark, who has been fighting injustice all his life, and now is about to have to focus on a fight for his own life from AIDS, whilst also maintaining a fight for LGBT equality and also for the mining village.
Pride – A movie I can only watch with tissues. Tears flow almost every time, and tears at different parts.
‘Save some for yourself’
I did not know what this meant when I first heard it, but it still resonated. Actually thats not true, I spoke a number of excuses instead reasoning against the need for doing it. Sometimes my inner dialogue can go something like this:
Save Some for Yourself
But I must keep busy
Save Some for Yourself
I dont need to do that, Ill bounce, ill survive – I always do
Save Some for Yourself
If I dont do that task – no one else will
Save Some for Yourself
There’s a crisis, I must go
Save Some for Yourself
I wouldn’t know what to do if wasn’t helping or serving
Save Some for Yourself
I can cope, I can always cope
Save Some for Yourself
I dont deserve to give myself time
Save Some for Yourself
That sounds wussy and weak, I need to stay strong
Save Some for Yourself
That sounds selfish
Save Some for Yourself
I can’t show my feelings
Save Some for Yourself
Ill be ok
Save Some for Yourself
You’re not telling me to do self-care are you?
Save Some for Yourself
Ill be fine, honestly
Save Some for Yourself
Its nothing, ill get through it
Save Some for Yourself
You have no idea what I have to do, I dont have time to do that
Save Some for Yourself
I like to feel needed
Save Some for Yourself
This battle isn’t going to be won without me
Save Some for Yourself
But, that means doing something new
I dont like that
Save Some for Yourself
I still dont deserve this
You actually care about me, dont you?
Save Some for Yourself
I dont want to, it sounds hard
Save Some for Yourself
Are you sure? really
Yes …Save Some for Yourself
I dont know how, and it still doesn’t feel right
Thats ok, it will, slowly, gently does it, are you ready now?
I think so
Gently does it, you got there, breathe and let me talk to you behind the mask, behind the layers, my friend
Save Some for Yourself
Save some time, quality time
Save some energy, to do something fun
Save some space to be somewhere safe to get to know your heart and soul
Save some space to allow your feelings to express themselves safely
Save some time to be curious about your inner self
I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, the sheep hear my voice and listen, they don’t listen to a stranger, for they dont know his voice. (John 10)
But Lord we asked, what if the thief is already in the pen, what then?
The Sheep hear my voic-
no we didnt, we hear what we’re allowed to hear, A voice that lies
A voice that pretends to be you, but its not you
A voice that tells us that we’re just sheep, and there’ll be trouble if we dont obey them
And says that you’re not coming to protect us……
Oh Hang on, wait a minute, you let them in didnt you?
You let them in the pen!
No, well, that ‘gate’ thing, what I meant was that, thats for you, if there was no robber or thief
but you let them in too?
I couldn’t stop them, you know like wheat and weeds, both
Marvellous, great, a gate keeper with no checklist
Its not my fault! They didnt appear to be a thief or a robber, its not like they wore it on a lanyard that said ‘Thief, about to steal sheep, D.O.B 11.04.23(AD)’ actually they gave me a great list of all their credentials of sheep care.
They lied to you too?
They always lies.
So that ‘God looks at the heart thing’ you know back in the David days, how was that going, did you have a heart bypass or something, could you not see through it when you let them in, you know twitchy eye contact, a bit too ‘boasty’, seems like they tried too hard, dont you think? Could you not have done something ?
I am the good Shepherd..
Yeah yeah, we heard that one at the beginning, if you’re that good where have you been hiding since you let in the robber in the pen?
Busy.
Busy?
Well, yeah, kind of busy.
Say more, goody shepherd?
Nope
We’re waiting
Well, there’s a pen over there you see, and its just far easier to be their good shepherd, no conflict see, and those sheep get to come and go and I can do that ‘gate’ thing over there, and its just lovely and the sheep play and eat grass
No thief over there then?
Well, err no…
You went for the easy life?Gate duty over there when the thief was in our pen?
The Sheep heard my voice and they came and went, and danced on the green pasture, and ate the green grass and I could lead them
Whilst we were trapped and you knew it. No Voice for us
Thats a bit harsh, you’re not jealous are you? Or just a tiny bit angry?
(Sheep stares)
(Uncomfortable silence)
(Sheep stares a little more)
We thought we could hear them..the distant sounds of something we once recognised, the sound of fun.. something that we could only ever hear but not do
Oh yes, Peace and love and joy, sounds about right
But not in this pen. Not with the thief inside, want to know what the thief said to us when we could hear all that ‘peace and love and joy’ ?
Ok, yes tell me
They’re better than you
They’re more deserving than you
They’re being spoiled
They’re not as sinful as you
They work harder
Thats what the thief said to us, so that we couldn’t have joy, or love or peace, just more rules, and being busy, and never being good enough, want to know more?
Yes please do.
We had to change.
We stopped feeling like sheep a long time ago, it made us weep to hear that it wasn’t far that sheep could be sheep. We werent our selves, and it was stressing us out
What do you mean?
Well it wasn’t safe, no time of day, the thief kept on watching and making us work, and gradually over time we noticed, that we treated each other more prickly too, developed hard shells, toughened our skin, we grew hair to cover our eyes, its like we forgot we were sheep inside, we had to pretend to be sheep.
Sheep on the inside, elephant on the outside?
What’s an elephant? All we know is this pen and the thief, oh and those fun loving neighbours, have you been playing with elephants too, in your busy times?
No, but what else has it been like?
Thief in the pen? One day one of the workers came up from the farm to check on us, see if we were being treated well , and we were like YAY we might be rescued, (given that you disappeared oh goody two shoes shepherd just out for the fun), and so we started to shout as loud as we could to get his attention, tried to make the hired hand listen to us
Oh yes the hired hand, he doesn’t listen listen he just runs away
Yeah, we know that now, thanks for the heads up.
What happened?
Well, as the hired hand got closer, we got louder, desperate to get them to realise that something was wrong, and you know what happened next?
No, tell me
Our thief smiled all nicely and said those words, ‘don’t worry about them, they’re just a little too sensitive, they get like this on a hot day sometimes, ill take good care of them‘
And that was it, no further questions, didnt even try, just believed the charm and the smile and walked away. And then…
then?….
Thief hits us harder than ever , blames us for showing them up, and you know what they said next, just after, trying to be nice?
No go on
That if we spend more time worshipping you he’ll put a good word in and that you’d come and see us. So thats what we did, doubly hard work, making wool and now a daily regime of worship and prayer. Did you not hear us singing to you?
erm, well, I could hear something, but it was words I didnt recognise and I had nothing to do with that arrangement, the thief always lies.
We now know that , took a while for us to realise though, and some still can’t believe that the thief always lies, some of us still want to think the best of the thief in the pen, but the only way out was to realise that thief always lies, even when they say they try, try to be better, try to be good they say, but never for long, always lies, never realising that we have to be clever, clever to to figure them out, clever to cope in the pen, with the thief at the helm.
Once you werent coming, I made a decision, because waiting for you, ‘pray harder’ the thief said, no I had to figure it out and find a way of escaping, I noticed the lies, and just had to ignore what the thief was saying, and realise that their actions didnt match
And then?
A few of us got together, kept noticing the patterns and behaviours and realised we could escape, once we remembered that we had more power, and choice, and once we stopped listening to the lies we gained more strength. But thats when thief turned nasty, violent, threatening, unravelling in front of us, we stayed firm and walked out of the gate, thief’s last words were to us was that ‘we wouldnt win, were in trouble now, we’ve made them upset‘ but we walked, and we realised then we could breathe and tasted the clean grass again.
I can see, im glad you are free
But others arent though, they are stuck in the pen, with the thief, what about them? What if the thief goes to other pens, what about them?
The sheep hear my voice – eventually
Is that what we found?
I think so, now enjoy life, full life, now that you’ve found it, and made it happen
Question, just before you go, are you ok with me being angry at you?
Yes, thats what you needed to get out of the pen
What if im angry with you for a long time?
Just take your time, let it out, feel and be loving to all the feelings
Thank you, and one more thing, why our pen? Why this one and not the other one? We have only known a thief in the pen
My dear sheep, there is no one answer to that question, and it might take some time for you to realise, but know that you can now rest, and play and live, and breathe and be, and feel your own wisdom, strength and resolve. The why is because what you had was wanted by the thief, you had something they wanted, and they always want and steal, you had something they tried to take, but also maybe there’s magic going on deeper in the whole of creation that neither I or you know about, and that magic has set you free.
Anger will mean someone else has to take responsibility for my feelings
Anger is to be avoided
I didnt want to be angry like they are.. when they got upset.
I internalised all of these, and I think other myths about Anger.
Time to stop believing the myths about Anger.
Yet I knew about anger…in theory… because like a ‘good’ youth worker I delivered ‘Anger Management’ classes..about 15 years ago.
I could soothe and listen, but had absolutely no experience of processing my own anger. With the exception of bottling it, and it being released in cynicism, and holding it all in.
I couldn’t be angry and expect others to have to deal with this. I had to be the one who dealt, responded even, to other peoples anger.
I didnt know what ‘being angry’ to the point of letting these feelings out.
I Mis-managed my own anger. Conditioned since childhood.
Anger gives me power. Anger enables me to take action. Anger now helps me realise that I have something to protect. Anger creates boundaries.
But its new, and still new for me, and im learning to be healthily angry.
I used to say ‘I dont get angry’ but what this meant that I suppressed everything.
Much Anger comes from Unmet needs
Melody Beattie (Codependent no more)
I was scared of my own anger, because I didnt know what it would be like.
Yet, without anger, and rage, there might not be the point beyond it to know what the actual source was and is, and experience the peace beyond. The thing we’re frightened of is often the thing that controls us.
Silent rage is destructive. If you’re not actively, consciously releasing anger, your holding on to it. And this is not doing you any good
Edith Eger . (The Gift)
So.. what did I do when I got angry this week. We’ll firstly I noticed that my despair at a situation only lasted for about 1-2 hours – in the past this may have lasted longer, I may have sunk, frightened.
But instead I realised that I could be angry about it.
I swore, a lot.
I threw a few cushions.
I drew with large crayons on paper, let the scrawl take what ever shape and told myself that it didnt matter it just needed to ‘come out’
And then I wrote, words, phrases, to the situation, to myself who had to deal with the situation. About my needs.
I talk more about my relationship with Anger here in my latest video
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I think I used to try and bypass my anger to try and find a place of calm, yet that calm was often like the proverbial shaken champagne bottle, calm, but raging.
Im learning to be better at this. Im learning to have a better relationship with my emotions, and sometimes get opportunities to practice…..
It took me a long while, and it required small practice steps, of even just re-learning to swear.
Time to bury the myths about anger.
Time to deal with it, ourselves.
Time to let it out and not feel judgement about it.
Notice, let it out, and listen to it.
Anger is a defence. Burning through it and the fear and grief is revealed underneath. Then its time to forgive ourselves. (Edith Eger)
By not releasing it were denying that we werent victimised or abused or that we’re human. Making ourselves numb. Pretending to be Ok.
What’s your relationship with Anger? What do you do to release it, and then process the core needs underneath it?
I was given a picture this week that has , so far, been helpful to me.
Its about string… or rope…
I was in conversation with someone who has supported me for a while through some of the challenges ive faced in the last few years, in the conversation I mentioned that whilst I am feeling generally good (and this is true, I am) , that I had ‘moved on ‘ beyond some of the things that were requiring of the support, and this is also true.
But I could sense in myself that a number of things recently had cause me to be triggered, affected, and I was in danger of reacting to them.
It doesn’t matter what they are, but they are stories of abuse investigations in churches, the swirl of conversation, and realising that although I wasn’t involved, I realise quite how easily I may have been as easily manipulated, and how my emotionally spiritually abusive childhood would have set me up to be so.
Did I ever think that I had been able to ‘let go’ of the string and cause the balloon of 40 years of abuse to just fly away?
Did I really think that? No, but maybe I hadn’t been able to create a way of explaining the dynamic of journeying through life with that upbringing as a shadow, as a thread, that plays sometimes a larger or smaller part.
I had let go of the string.
Originally it was a tight rope. I was trapped. Only with an ending in sight go leaving home at 18. Until that point it was in a toxic swirl, a large tight rope that surrounded me, suffocating, squeezing, unable to breathe, relax, unable to feel. Just the metaphorical pain of the rope burns.
Until I could see the rope, for what it is, I was led to believe I was self tightening it, that it was my rope to carry.
The balloon string used to be a thick rope.
I had to distance myself from the rope.
It could be let go of, I could now detach myself from the rope.
But as my support person said this week to me.
The String is long.
The balloon at the end of the string has lifted off, but the thread that is attached to the balloon is long.
Its got a lot of ‘lifting off’ to do before it has finally left.
I realised that there are things that happen to cause me to grab hold of the string.
And when I do, its as if the string has been coloured with a dye, and its infected me, my hands turn red, its transferred its mucky dye, and I need to noticed this, and let this cleanse out of me too.
I got angry this week, it was my detox, to get the dye out, to protect myself again. I got some ‘fucks’ out in the privacy of my own voice, my flat and in drawing them. No plates or property were damaged… ;-)
The string is long.
What if I accept that the string is long?
Actually, I have to.
The string may be all forms of dye. It is death.
Yet it tries to give off a spark.
It tries to make itself invisible too.
Just so that I touch it. Just so that I forget about it, with the hope that it gets reignited.
And it gets the chance to release its poison.
Other times it convinces itself that its ok to touch, and by then its too late.
Sometimes I do completely forget the string. Its when im having fun, its when im not thinking about it, its when im in the flow of something else.
But other times, accidental and known cause the string to be more obvious. Anniversary days, Stories of abuse, Safeguarding training even.. All to one extent reminders of the string..
But I can still choose.
I can choose how close I want to get to the string.
I choose.
What if I do something whilst holding the string – the string wants me to blame it, to play victim to the string. Tightening the grip.
Circulating the poisonous dye even further. Taking away my own power to choose.
I have that power.
Being friends with the string is to accept that it is there. It’s not to fight it. Resistance is futile and hard work. Acceptance.
A lifetime of abuse and the string is long.
But it doesn’t suffocate. Its is just there. It exists, and im not scared of it, just finding new ways to live with the string.
Its just a long string.
It requires warm playable hands to let it through my grip, to flow.
To gently notice the string and put it in its place.
Better to notice the string and let it go, again, walk away from it.
Accepting that it is long.
Noticing it and being able to talk to it, from me, the real me.
A type of mindfulness.
Loving myself releases it
Loving myself cleanses
Loving myself, doing for myself, creating fun and colour… is more rewarding that the ‘attractive’ colour dye on the string, however sparky it hopes to appear.
Accepting the long string, the threads of abuse, is better that pretending that it doesn’t exists and trying to be completely free from it. Its not realistic, its not helpful.
I have felt so so much better this week as I have began to accept the string, and in doing so detach from it.
Maybe its about keeping the darkness close, being friends with the shadow, so it can be talked to.
If yesterday I wrote about my own joinery from self loathing and denial to becoming more self referential, respectful and also giving space to trust my feelings. Today I’ve pondered the question – what happened to me, so that I had no ‘faith’ in myself? What happened to the extent to which there was no ‘I’ in my life, to trust myself, my feelings, emotions, desires or wants.
It boils down to this
Psychopathic Parents + Evangelical Faith = No Self Trust
In these ways:
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told not to be selfish
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I heard that my core was sinful
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told I wasn’t enough
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told that everything good I did…wasnt me..it was God
Self trust wasn’t possible because I was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having emotions, desires or wants
Self trust wasn’t possible when my emotions were stolen by others.
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I wasn’t encouraged for being good (or when I was accused of being the ‘eldest son’ )
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was terrified of upsetting my abusers.
Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was encouraged to pray that God would fix things.
Self Trust wasn’t possible..if my ‘self’ had to be denied.
Self trust wasn’t possible if I numbed the pain and disconnected.
Self trust wasn’t possible, even being clever or good… wasn’t enough.
Self trust wasn’t possible… All to Jesus I surrender.
Self Trust wasn’t possible, if Jesus gave me all my good feelings.
Self Trust was invalidated if I tried to express myself
Self Trust wasn’t possible – when my body was bad (Spirit is good) – and in my body is my emotions, feelings, desires and energy.
Self trust wasn’t possible when I was masking abuse for 40 years.
Self trust wasn’t possible if I was told who I was…and I had to accept it, whilst dying inside.
Self Trust wasn’t possible when my real self was hidden away, unseen.
Just Pray – they said. Be good – they said. Be quiet. Dont make a mess. Fulfil our expectations for you – they said. Grow up and dont be silly..they said.
Be our trophy to be proud of – they said. But do this alone.
Dont ever be who you are. Dont ever think for yourself.
Live to soothe and placate and please your abuser.
Live to please and worship God…and deny yourself in the process.
How could I respect myself, if I didnt trust myself, how could I know myself if I was hiding myself away? How could I trust myself… if God was always watching…and I had to remember sins and feel only continual guilt and shame.
I was taken..from myself.
What am I in all this?
Where am I in this?
Who am I in this?
Today. This day. This month. These last few years.
Have been unapologetically about me.
Not just ‘finding myself’ – but…actually finding, connecting, listening, feeling and knowing myself. But its no fucking wonder I had hidden myself away… or that I had no sense of self in ‘my’ life. It was all about other people. Other people and ‘other’ Gods. Losing myself in the process. I can look back and see this. Realising the extent of what I wasn’t able to be.
Reminding myself, now, of my own deep strength. Acknowledging it and accepting it, and being utterly grateful for the now.
The spills of life going inwards, deep burning of molten lava piercing into the wounds. Feeling Raw, but feeling true, feeling at all. Being me. Healing from within. One layer at a time. One pebble to climb, then a rock, then more. Step by step.
Soul, heart, mind and body on a beautiful discovery. Wonder from the heart outwards. Time to live. Spiritual life… from the inside out.
They reject quite a few, so I’m just pleased to have over 20 on there, and its honing what I take photos of. I know I’m not going to be a millionaire through photography but its fun, well, most of the time it is.
To aid me in my learning in this month ive started watching a number of photography you tube channels. Honestly the free learning here is amazing. Now I know I feel a beginner at this, there’s so many helpful guidance out there.
One of the things I was beginning to notice was though was that most of the nature and landscape photographers had what looked like massive expensive cameras, and that they showed only the best photos on their videos. Some amazing ones though.
And I was just starting to feel a bit frustrated that I would not be able to take photos like them, without the right equipment.
And I wondered what he was going to get at. He videos himself heading up to a bleak part of snowdonia and tried for 3 days to get photos of sunrises and sunsets over the mountains. His 2 days of failing included not having audio on for the video itself and weather that prevented even sight of the mountains themselves.
But what he said was interesting.
He said that as a photographer, the one comment that he got most ways from people who either complained about their lack of expensive cameras or equipment, or were condescending of his.
To which he replied by saying, ‘Dont be that photographer’
He said that the most important aspects of being a photographer , especially outdoors, landscape and nature and scenes, generally, are present already in a relatively cheap (less than £250) camera, and the rest is what is already present in the scene and in the eye of the photographer, as well as knowing their kit and craft.
He was saying, don’t be that photographer who is blaming equipment, the weather, conditions for their lack of good photography. Because all the components are there, but it takes work and effort, its a craft, a skill to learn, hone and develop.. its art.
So im thinking… yes he is talking to me, as a learning photographer.
But he’s also talking to me as a human too.
James, Dont be ‘that’ human – that blames someone else – when I could do something about it.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that the difficult and suffering are part of life
Dont be ‘that’ human that succumbs to getting frustrated when something doesnt happen easily, learning is a challenge..
Dont be ‘that’ human – that is gets impatient with comparing myself with others – learn to develop myself as I am.
Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that what I need to know is closer that I think, it is within
Dont be that human – that stops noticing the now, the quiet, the breath
Dont be ‘that’ human – that doesn’t see the beauty of what’s already in the universe, like light and dark, like texture, colour and change.
Dont be that human that is harsh on himself, self critical on the cloudy days when ‘nothing’ seems to happen – like today when actually, the drive included rainbows and the walk included kingfishers, but nothing on camera, just still moments of universe blessings.
James…. dont be ‘that’ human….
What about you… ?
So im learning photography. Maybe its giving me an opportunity to learn a lot more too.
Ill end this piece with a photo from when I was trying to put some learning into practice last weekend, this was me trying to play with light, perspective and settings on Seaton Carew Common beach. Sometimes its only sticks and random pieces of wood that make photos a bit more interesting.
James Ballantyne 