James Ballantyne

Tag: life

  • ‘Why cant I just have fun?’

    ‘Why cant I just have fun?’

    It sometimes feels an effort to have fun – dont you think? well it does for me

    Nothing is stopping me, I can do what I want, So what cant I?

    But then I started to realise why… its those voices in my head, the critical ones, the sensible ones…these ones…

    ‘Are you boys having fun?’

    Came the voice of the abuser to me, on a number of times, its often at a time when I have actually been having fun.

    Its tone was accusatory. It was as if ‘fun’ was not allowed.

    Fun was ‘found out’ – look you couldn’t hide it from me, you were having fun

    Secret fun.

    You doing have fun without me, you don’t have fun in this house,

    Isnt there something more useful you should be doing… like meeting my needs instead?

    Fun guilt.

    ‘Just dont make a mess’

    Fun now has to be clean, organised, tidy.

    ‘I didnt say dont have fun, just keep the noise down’

    I gave up fun, fun was no fun..

    Another factor in the fun thing for me is the church thing.

    Growing up evangelical – meant having conditional fun, and being judgemental on other peoples fun

    ‘Look at us having fun without alcohol’ – at a barn dance that is excruciatingly painful in 1991 with other ‘young people’ who are finding it excruciatingly painful watching their parents dance and look as though they are pretending to be having fun and its just so awful. Then to be forced to dance. URGH.

    It wasnt just sex, drugs and rock and roll that were banned – it was anything that was the gateway to any of these things, school discos, pop music, smoking (anything) ..- we dont do what they do…

    Fun for me as a teenager was doing ‘christian fun’ – what was allowed – the christian music festival – and yet even there I struggled to have fun, because I was so un easy about having fun, with the exception of sports, just dont get me to dance, or draw

    Problem is in a context of what is and what isnt allowed….nothing seems much fun

    If Fun is about doing something for the sake of it, doing something that might be boundless, free, creative and spontaneous.. then I realise that part of rediscovering myself, and my inner child is about ‘having fun’ again

    I can definitely see how having conditions on fun – meant that something wasnt fun

    I can see now also that as part of the trauma of growing up with a psychopathic parent, that fun wasnt part of the deal, because more than not fun was about being responsible, staying alert. The only fun was to do the thing they wanted to do.

    Theres only allowed fun in abusive narcissist prison.

    Guilty for having fun? Shame for having the wrong kind of fun? Too responsible to have fun?

    Too inhibited to get drunk, always needing to be aware, responsible and look after others..- yes

    So when did I start to notice this, and realise it?

    I notice all the time, id rather be serious, think about serious things, learn, write (like this), digest the news (see previous post), and even some hobbies can feel like a performance, competitive…

    I really noticed about fun when I asked my inner child what he wanted to do that was fun – and then actually do it

    It was my inner child that wrote what it above.

    I noticed too when it felt a momentous action to pick up a felt tip pen and make a messy splurge on a piece of paper.

    Dont make a mess, stick to the lines, you cant draw, dont be silly, that’s silly…voices in my head, every time

    Be a grown up, dont be childish, whats the point, haven’t you something more responsible, or helpful to do – like write a blog or check twitter or tidy, or…

    I realise that its a struggle to ‘have fun’ – when the voices in my head, the critical parent – from the sources of those critical voices, abusive people and excessively moral churches – have been so dominant, and Ive been conditioned to comply, to fit, and found belonging or a trauma bond in compliance.

    Overthinking fun makes it a struggle to have fun at all.

    Just need to do it.

    So one of those things is that fun is guided.

    What do I do now for fun? new things that ive never been interested in before… and also new things I didnt know I could do before, as well as some of the old things like trains, cycling and growing food, but also photography,

    Walks, and after those occasions a few months ago, now experimenting with drawing, art and self discovery in drawing, colours, and art – something I left behind as a child. Learning to be creative will be another piece, but at this stage, just to say that ive discovered something fun in stuff that I thought I couldn’t do or hated as a child. Its like an unlocking.

    PICK UP THE PENS JAMES. JUST DO IT..so..

    Heres something I drew yesterday, just for fun….and with both hands simultaneously…

    Safety is so important in the pursuit of creativity – unless you dont give a fuck about what it is you’re creating and potentially upsetting in the process

    So often emotional abuse resolves around the shameful control of behaviour and that includes ‘what is allowed as fun’

    Often those who cannot have fun project rules onto those so it prevents them from doing so.

    I do find it a struggle to have fun.

    Maybe thats an ‘adult thing’ – but I’m more sure its a recovery from narcissistic abuse thing too. Life was about survival – and fun doesnt play a part – (maybe except outside the prison walls)

    A few thoughts on Fun:

    I can relate. When you’ve been fighting for justice or for survival all your life, it doesn’t take much to be content. A safe place to live, some peace and quiet, can be enough for a while. Your idea of fun might just change a bit. (Ryan on Twitter @Ryan_Daigler)

    I think I feel guilty for enjoying myself? And also sometimes in the past bad things have happened to others whilst I’ve been out enjoying myself so there’s that.(Lydia @Lydimoo)

    and someone trying to..

    I promised myself I would do fun things while I’ve got all my evenings to myself during the school holidays. It’s not yet working out as planned, Ive killed alot of time playing games though (Helen @Helenmt)

  • Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    I realised something the other day, Im quite enjoying the football at Euro 2020 (in 2021, but you know, Covid etc) , and its not just having the crowds back in, or just from yesterdays two thrilling games of 14 goals with France, Switzerland , Spain and Croatia. But its something else. I cant even watch much of it, with no TV or license, and im not listening to Radio 5 either.

    I realised that I’m not needing the football this year.

    There have been two fairly constant aspect of my life since I was a young teenager, Faith has been one of them, and football has been another. (Some would argue that food has too, but maybe thats for another story)

    I needed football. Football took me on emotional roller coasters

    It shaped my yearly calendar, the end of the season was also summer, then a tournament.

    It gave me an outlet.

    It also gave me a space to hide away.

    I could literally shut out everything and everyone else to focus on football.

    I still can.

    But it gave me an escape.

    I needed it for its drama, and I needed the journey of a summer tournament of the existential hope of an England tournament victory to keep me going.

    So when they got knocked out, usually by penalties, usually by Germany, it wasnt just the end of hope. It was the return, for a few months of real life. I needed football. Its role in my life was 90 minutes each evening on my teenage bed listening to Radio 5, the soothing noise of people commentating.

    It was painful when England lost, when my team (Man Utd lost), because something in me needed them to be a source of joy, of hope, of belief.

    I needed it as a distraction, a drug, a hope, to be a fan, and yet ive tried to give it up in the past, but sometimes it was a safe place, a distraction. Time away from somewhere unsafe and toxic and Radio 5 in the earphones walking the dog, or driving the car. The filling of my head of a different noise to drown out the pain.

    What I discovered, through a breakdown, a complete life rebuild from scratch and in the recovering and understanding of trauma was that I could just have carried on on that cycle of adding further activity to the mind and life, and not deal with the actual need. What I needed was less of the other, and more attention to me. I can enjoy football more, now, because I dont need it.

    As I said in my first piece on this blog, I get the obsession, I get the need. I get the use of football for men to talk about which is safe. And I know there are some good people in football who are talking about football and mental health, depression and dealing with significant life problems, like Mark Goldbridge for one, and on his United Stand there are always many people who thank him for talking about Mental Health, and being real about emotions.

    I still like football. But if you feel like you need it, as an escape, a distraction from things in your life that you aren’t choosing to deal with, then, even after basking in an England win over Germany this evening, maybe listen to that voice, that inner voice inside that gnawing away at you, as it gnawed away at me. If its masking a pain, then maybe its time to say out loud what that pain is, acknowledge it, whether its abuse, neglect, shame, guilt, drink or drug problems, maybe its time to stop and listen, and begin life, that includes football, and includes a you that is healthier. Football isnt a therapist, unlike a therapist, or a dog might be.