James Ballantyne

Tag: Self awareness

  • The Differences between a Real or ‘Reverse’ Victim.

    Trigger Warning – Abuse of any kind. Please do not read if you have experienced abuse, unless in a safe place to be able to do so. This is written to educate those who might not know the difference, if you have experienced abuse, you know this already.

    I think I was 14 when I was bought a ‘fake’ Man Utd football T-Shirt at a market stall in the south west of England by my parents. It was obviously fake. It was black, it had a ‘cotton traders’ label, the ‘Sharp’ sponsor was ironed on crooked and the badge was wrong. Yet it was ‘given’ to me as a gift. And I hated it. Man Utd were, and still are, my team, and though potentially even then I had no real sympathy with their financial situation, I knew that this fake was wrong. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t genuine. I felt, like many of the ‘gifts’ from my parents, cheap. (yet was told I was ungrateful or spoilt) . I probably was grumpy and upset for the rest of the day and told I was spoiling ‘their holiday’.

    My point was, and is now, that there’s a difference between fake and real.

    Today I read this story.

    Male Victim of Domestic Abuse Lies tells of Torment

    If you were in this situation could you spot who the ‘real’ and who the ‘fake’ victim is? Difficult.. very much so.

    The story is about how a Man was accused of being a domestic abuser, by his partner, whose story was believed, he was sent to jail on the basis of her claims. After his release, the truth was revealed. The victim story she played was fake.

    If you read this account, which will by no means be the full story, do so tracing the way in which the actual abuser plays the DARVO game throughout. As a reminder, Darvo stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse, Victim Offender. The oft used pattern of someone accused. Playing victim is part of the pattern.

    Google DARVO to find out more – here’s a link too – DARVO

    What I mean is, that they are a ‘Reverse Victim’ rather than a real one.

    Fake, rather than real.

    And this is no criticism of Humberside police in this case. Not at all.

    Because. This cuts both ways. Both genders..and its difficult to know the difference.

    Im not sure that phrases like ‘Believe the women’ or ‘believe the victim’ help. They create a conformation or gender bias, and a woman playing victim is considerably harder to spot, than a man doing so. Especially in the face of them being able to accuse Men of wrong doing. Men play victims as much as Women do. My experience is having seen it in Women, and obviously in these stories.

    Its not just domestic abuse.

    This was a case in Cumbria a few months back. This isn’t about false allegations of abuse, its about deliberate lies and having a fake victim story being believed.

    I wasn’t the ‘real’ victim when I was given a fake Man Utd T-shirt. But I knew that something didn’t feel right when I was given it.

    These are by no means conclusive, but how can you spot a real victim, from a reverse victim?

    What is it like being a real Victim? (of abuse, of any kind)

    Lets look at the effects of abuse on someone and their emotions, feelings and behaviours. They can feel scared, silenced, bewildered, trapped, afraid – they can often mask and give a ‘false’ self to keep up appearances, they can have hard shells or even react intensely if provoked – as a defence mechanism. They may be anything like a tortoise, hedgehog, dragon or eeyore.

    They may not realise that they are a victim.

    Once they realise – as I did – it wasn’t a label they want.

    They often dont want to share about being a victim, but more about overcoming, surviving and coping, recovering and living beyond.

    They often blame themselves.

    They have nothing to lose, have often already lost everything.

    They often realise they can do something by changing and seeking help – and realising that they can – by furthering awareness, self love and compassion… which extends to others.

    They often have survivors gift.. to help others.

    Often they have fragmented story, and are afraid to tell.

    A real victim is unlikely to want to create drama. Is likely to be silent. Is likely to step away from situations. Is likely to learn to protect themselves.

    A real victim… is likely to be movitated by justice, by being heard, or by finding peace and a life beyond it.

    A real victim…. can see the games being played of the reverse victim. It’s the task of the Reverse victim..to silence, invalidate, remove the real one.

    But what of a Reverse Victim?

    This is a person who is using victimhood for a number of reasons. Usually to protect themselves, abusive behaviour or lies or denials.

    Therefore its a game being played.

    A phrase like ; ‘Look what you/she/he made me do’ or ‘ The Devil/alcohol/my mental health made me do it’ – can often be used – because that person keeping up a game, in which they present as victim/innocent and not responsible for themselves.

    False emotions usually accompany the Reverse offender, as are false projections, to accuse others.

    They often aren’t able to use the situation to better themselves through it or after it – because it wasn’t a situation in the first place – just a game.

    They can often pretend to ‘get help’ but have difficulty (blame) finding a match with a counsellor or that their counsellor isn’t working for them, or use the fact that they’re going to counselling to manipulate others into thinking that ‘they are trying’.

    When asked for more details about the situation – they might break down and cry more.. because they can’t give an answer to what hasn’t happened, there’s unlikely to be any more of a story with tears, just a more sodden weak one. And they want you to fix them. Note the drama triangle being used here too. (Persecutor, helper, victim)

    A Reverse Victim is angry when they are challenged about their game.

    A Reverse Victim is loud, and plays on victim hood. Especially in cultures where they know they elicit sympathy. Ie Churches full of nice unaware people.

    The Reverse Victim can often make claims about themselves – ‘I couldn’t do that I’m a nice guy’…’that isn’t the real me, you know the real me’ …. ‘I couldn’t do that im a christian/minister/police officer’ …..

    A Reverse victim thrives on drama. Loves the attention. Creates drama where possible. A reverse victim manipulates so that others can do their emotional work for them (flying monkeys).

    The Reverse Victim doesn’t realise that they are fulfilling a cycle, and most of the time they dont care…. until their game is up. Winning is their motive.

    A Reverse victim is likely to criticise the way in which the actual victim is responding to the situation. ‘They took their time coming forward’ or ‘They shouldn’t cry, it wasn’t a big deal at the time’

    A Reverse Victim bewilders. A victim feels bewildered.

    A Reverse Victim is threatened when their victimhood story/script is threatened. They have to stay this way.

    Often its been a script since childhood. They’ve cried wolf to get gifts, soothing and attention. ‘Dont you dare try and play victim around here’ might be their reaction. See how bewildering this is, and a projection.

    A Reverse Victim… creates a place of emotional abuse for a real one.

    Im sure there are other differences, but these are all the ones I can think of, because I have encountered them in a number of situations.

    I could say that it would take a significant amount of skill to identify the difference between a real, and a reverse victim..but as I said.. those who have been abuse victims, and done the work, can often see the patterns.. they’ve experienced them often enough.

    In the safeguarding training I’m doing there’s a phrase known as “Respectful Uncertainty”. What this means is to try and be respectful of persons whilst also being unsure of their story so that further accurate information is sought. It is not to let myths make decisions, but evidence. Its not respectful uncertainty to say that a man is always an abuser, and a female always a victim.

    I had enough respectful uncertainty to know not to take that black T shirt to be anything other than a fake. The signs on the front may have been the same, but they didnt look, feel or seem right.

    If this has affected you, then do seek professional help and/or a trusted safe friend who can listen to you non judgementally, there are helplines in the link pages too, please do give them a call.

  • Changing Mindset

    Changing Mindset

    Ive been taking ‘photos’ for over three years. A Camera has accompanied most of my walks, and especially during the lockdown walks.

    I see nice things, then think, ill take a photo of it. Or..

    Ill go birdwatching and take photos of birds, or actually any nature, foxes, squirrels, rats, mice, anything natural to be honest.

    This year, as you may know, as ive mentioned it a few times, ive started ‘learning’ photography.

    Actually learning it.

    What do all those letters mean on my camera?

    What makes a good composition?

    What about light?

    And what makes a good photograph? If there is such a thing….

    But I notice something.

    I realised today, when I was across at Redcar Blast furnace and beach, a place id not been to this year yet, but have been a number of times. A place with a combination of natural and man made beauty

    It a place where there’s sea birds, benches, beach, and fishermen, but none today.

    But as I looked at the photos I took, I realised something. The habits of old are the default. So ive got hundreds of images of birds on the rocks. Though I did also try to get some of maybe more photos where I thought about foreground, the story of the photo, or something of interest. Like the house above, or this one of the boats, banked up on the beach.

    I walk around an area and sometimes ‘old habits’ are hard to shake.

    But I also realise that im in a place where its conducive to the old habits. There’s stacks of nature and water.

    Sometimes testing out new habits needs a new place.

    When I found myself noticing that I was going back into ‘old photography habits’, I would stop and have a moment, a rethink, breathe, and know that nothing was wasted, and I would notice myself. On some occasions where I could I would take my focus somewhere else.

    I was so busy looking outwards, for the scene, for the bird, through camera or binoculars, that I would forget the more important thing.

    Myself.

    If I can find a suitable spot, a bench or path, ill set up the camera so it can take a shot of me. If nothing else it means that I am part of my own story of my day. I am important.

    Its as if the slow process of setting up camera, viewfinder, focus, timer etc and then getting into position is a mindset shift.

    And the results are varied. But it doesn’t matter to me.

    This interruption changes my focus, as even in doing this I am practicing new skills, a different focus. Im putting myself in the frame.

    Unlearning the old takes time. Unlearning the old, in the same environment of the old is incredibly hard, if not impossible.

    Changing mindset, starts from inside.

    For me, a change in mindset is to focus on my self. It may not be this for you. It could be to focus on others, or focus on the spiritual or the environmental.

    But it’s a change in mindset all the same. Change the focus of my attention, from external to internal.

    Something I noticed today.

    I suppose, thinking about it, when I shared this the other day, I was given the opportunity to then live and practice it a bit.

  • Morning moment

    (A Morning Blessing by John O’Donohue)

    I arise today

    In the name of Silence

    Womb of the word,

    In the name of stillness

    Home of Belonging,

    In the name of the Solitude

    Of the Soul and the Earth

    I arise today

    Blessed by all things,

    Wings of breath,

    Delight of eyes,

    Wonder of whisper,

    Intimacy of touch

    Eternity of soul

    Urgency of thought,

    Miracle of breath

    Embrace of God

    May I live this day

    Compassionate of heart,

    Clear in word,

    Gracious in awareness,

    Courageous in thought,

    Generous in love.

    (Words from John O’Donohue ‘To Bless the Space between us’ , pictures my own)

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 21) Accepting delusional normality

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 21) Accepting delusional normality

    If you’re like me and have spent a lot of your life reading or watching politics, you may know about the phrase ‘hyper-normalisation’ . I dont know who coined it, but its spoken of in depth in Adam Curtis’ brilliant documentary here. The key part in which he speaks of it, is when the people of Russia dying of poverty are living a very different life to that of which is portrayed on their TV screens, and they accept it as ‘normal’. Imagine A Boris Christmas party being live broadcasted last year. Curtis’ documentary is long, but worth it.

    Anyway, this blog isn’t about politics. Its about Normality.

    I have found it fascinating, that over the course of the last few years, especially, as I have shared my story, incidents, events and situations of my childhood and then more recent times involving my parents, I sometimes get the reaction ; ‘That isn’t normal behaviour’ , then followed with… ‘ its shocking/abusive/disturbing/manipulative’

    It isnt normal behaviour.

    But then, like Boris world, and his accompanying anger – growing up in ‘non normal’ world, is about navigating it for safety reasons – showing pretend acceptance that doesnt rock the boat, hiding and all the other things. But its one of the weirdest things to write about, is that those who create a delusional reality, that isnt ‘normal’ (but normal to them) – based on entitlement, ego, woundedness, self absorption, narcissism etc – then expect that this normal is adhered to by others.

    Sounds sort of cult like. Sounds pretty psychopathic too.

    But what about me, what about any of us caught in the whirlwind of delusion, of a person chucking out death traps all the time?

    One form of ‘normal’ they create is the one that you are forced to accept – their world.

    There is another one too.

    Theres the ‘Everything is normal’ that they determine.

    They do a weird thing.

    Imagine for a moment that you have no capacity to show remorse, shame or guilt – can you imagine that?

    So now, consider how you react after someone has called you out for your crime?

    Remember you cannot feel shame, guilt or remorse (and secretly you enjoyed the party, or crime)

    Of course, not only do you have selective amnesia about it, deny it, or blame others for it (taking no responsibility) … and hope to get away with it..again and again… but then what…

    Yes, you guessed it. They carry on as normal.

    As if nothing happened.

    Making no attempt to do any work in the relationship, because..they dont do anything wrong..remember?

    Thats one of the crazy bewildering patterns of the abusive ones. Sometimes it even is accompanied by ‘playing the victim’ and being hurt that they got found out. On other occasions it may be said that ‘everyone just needs to move on and forget about it’ or ‘you cant get over what I did, I said sorry’ – putting the responsibility on someone else again, and they create a new normal, their normal.

    Its bewildering isnt it? And thats why growing up in an emotionally abusive home, delusions become normalised.

    And everyone else goes – that really isnt normal, or thats not the way to deal with hurt or pain..

    But negotiation or conversation about the abuse never happens.

    It’s normalised. Its not even viewed in that way. Its ignored.

    Because a person who cant feel, cant accept that others might feel too.

    Everyone else is emotional and cant get over it.

    Most normal people recognise when they cause pain.

    Some normal people might apologise

    Some might have to face consequences.

    Others live in a reality in which none of these exist.

    Where everyone else is expected to see normal in the way they do.

    As a child, its only possible to navigate through the delusion with safety, and escape on the mind.

    But that delusional reality, and the trauma created as a result of it..affects..

    Every time I accepted normal as abusive I denied myself, though that core was hurting badly.

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting was about navigating the delusional normality and the price that I and everyone else paid for it.

    And then what happens when you stop…

    And realise that I deserve better, and able to stand up for myself.

    See the delusional world, highlight others to it, and stay out.

  • Holding the weight, when the other doesn’t

    I was wondering, what are the things we do, when in the midst of abusive relationships, before we realise that it wasn’t actually us?

    Therapy is one of them

    This reminded me of more….in an abusive relationship, of some of the strong imbalances..

    You do the work – for those that wont

    You do the thinking – for the one that wont

    You show up – for the one that hides

    You take the blame – for the one that gives it

    You have principles, of truth – for the one who is just out to win

    You do the time – for the one who wants easy

    You solve and fix – the damage they create

    You take on their issues – for the one who demands it

    You take on responsibility – for the one who avoids it

    You invest in the relationship – for the one who expects it

    You respond to their emotions – for the one who projects them

    You keep the peace – for the drama that spews from them

    You stay the quiet one – for the one who can’t see themselves, making the noise

    You remember things – for the one who’s amnesia is selective

    You start….eventually… too see….

    Yourself, in a way they cannot see.

    and

    Them, in a way they cannot see either.

    That you are more than an extension of their abuse

    That all you have dealt with, are tools too for making you strong.

    You and I have put up with so much, that its now time to fly.

    As a friend commented to me, there are nuances to this, that a short article can never convey, my focus on this is more parent/child abusive relationships, but that doesnt negate the possibility/reality that partner relationships can be very one sided and these binary occur. The adage that ‘they dont change’ unless we do is undoubtedly true, but as you do change, seeing the extent of that weight can start to be released..

  • ‘How can I stop myself becoming like them?’

    ‘How can I stop myself becoming like them?’

    Spiders, Clowns, Heights, Buttons, Spaces, The dark, Nuclear war, being bullied at school….

    These weren’t the things I fear in most of my life. It wasnt things.

    It wasnt just ‘that parent’ that gave me considerable terrors. Have a read of my story above for more.

    That was bad enough.

    That voice. Those footsteps up the stairs. That coldness.

    But there was something else.

    Something that I think we all fear at some point in our lives.

    Was something I feared from the age of about 14

    Even if we have half decent respectable parents – it can be that weird thing of starting to act like them when we get to ‘that’ age, or ‘that’ moment – often when we have kids of our own.

    But what if your parents have been utterly abhorrent, in one way or another? What if they have been physically, emotionally or sexually abusive? What if they have few redeeming features at all? What if they are narcissistic/psychopathic to their core?

    When we see those parents for who they are – the light dawns – and for me it was a fairly early age – but could do nothing about it – the fear becomes very real.

    The fear is this:

    How do I stop myself becoming anything like them?

    And it plagued me.

    It might plague you too.

    That has been one of my biggest fears all my life.

    Will I end up being abusive? Will end up treating others the same? Am I psychopathic myself?

    Its a question I remember asking when I was still a teenager.

    Will the pattern continue? and Am I likely to turn out the same?

    how can I stop this? Will I be able to prevent it?

    Theres something else that caused me to worry about this. Its that the same abusive parent would often suggest that I was just like them.

    “We’re just the same James‘ she would often say – we both have this kind of personality, and I remember thinking, even then queasily, no I’m not – people actually like me, and I think I know how to be kind to people.

    But have you ever had that situation where your abuser wants to alleviate themselves by saying that they’re not much different to you. Its like they’re trying to convince themselves, and yet at the same time be utterly bewildering at the time.

    Youre just like me, Don’t you dare think you’re better than me, we’re just the same.

    Oh the horror.

    How to emotionally confuse , gaslight, me as I knew then, that I was and am nothing like them and have no desire to be, at all.

    Yet with that fear in mind, what happens?

    It’s complicated.

    On one hand to try and not be like abusive parent, I become like other parent, accommodating, boundary less, unable to stand up for myself. In other words….too nice, helpful, open, and then walked all over..and also a shell of a person….. but on the positive… at least my fears aren’t realised….

    Im just then a walking punch bag ready to be pierced with defence mechanisms so high.

    Its like from over compensating in one way, I end up somewhere else – instead of damaging others deliberately, im damaging myself.

    But was there any real alternative anyway? Thats what I had to do to survive the childhood with the monster anyway. Stay small, stay out of the way, and fearfully accommodate with eggshells like landmines.

    Yet in another way, I would ‘end up’ like them… told you it was complicated.

    In desperate attempts to be seen, heard, validated and affirmed…that never arise anyway – (so quit this when you can – emotionally immature parents cant give this, however hard you try) – I sort of end up in places of work that they might acknowledge and validate. This isnt unusual either, how many kids become vets because their parents are – how many children do this out of ‘trying to please’… ? So, subconsciously, I think, I end up working in churches and ministry for 20 odd years, a default on one level, and somewhere in there is a thought about deep conformity, as the older, trophy child.

    So I would end up becoming ‘a bit’ like them, in the work that I do.

    Id spend most of my lifer up until the age 40 wrestling with that voice in my head, that fear of ‘don’t be anything like your mum’ thing, I wouldn’t know how to stop it, and a torment of analysing my actions to assess my motives, my behaviours.

    What I know now, is that kind of emotional trauma suffered by me , that I normalised to an extent, through childhood, has needed a place of safety, the reconnection with my family to share the common stories and name the abuse, the love of friends, and my partner Christelle, two, maybe more bouts of therapy, lots of books to help me see and understand everything. To realise now, though that I am not like them, because unlike one parent I have protected myself, and others from them, I am making others aware of them, and also the wider world aware of the effect of abusive mothers, and also reconnecting deeply with myself, to not be the shell, the mask even, that was.

    They do say that if you are worried about becoming like that person, your own self reflection is likely to cause you to be very different, as this is often a quality they dont have. If you think you might end up being a psychopath, you’re not one.

    That mask and shell might be the subject of a future piece.

    Do have a look on the resources page for books and articles on emotionally immature parents, that I found useful, and you may do too.

    Thank you for reading, please do like this blog, share with others who might find it useful, and if you can make a donation to my work, you can do do in the KO-FI link below. Thank you.

  • Fake grass and our emotional well being

    I grew up with a small understanding of tools.

    My Dad was, and still is, a very practical man, the shed and garage was full of saw, drills, spanners, screwdrivers, bits of wood, metal, nails, screws, pipes, plastic, levers, sawdust..loads of sawdust and grime , my Dad was a self employed Plumber and heating engineer, and basically everyones favourite repair man in the town.

    We didnt even have a car, we travelled around on a bench in the back of ‘the van’ , shovelled in to a space that in the weekdays was also a home for work bags, tool boxes and the dust sheets. The same tools built and redeveloped our entire house (as well as everyone elses).

    Used in the wrong way tools were harmful, some blades were sharp, some drills too heavy and powerful for even an enthusiastic 7 year old to use, some tools were the wrong ones selected for the job, some tools will make jobs easier, some harder, depending on what you wanted to do. The grass could be cut with scissors, but its not worth it, hand sawing wood at times very hard work, not worth it on some occasions.

    But that kind of makes sense, doesnt it, selecting the right tool for the job, when cutting the grass, making a shelf, wood turning or refitting a gas boiler?

    And the tools we select for finance work or academia or community work – are also honed, cultivated, chosen, practiced and reflected on, for the purposes of the task in hand, to be effective, meaningful, quick, cooperative or productive.

    As some of you may know, and from my other blog (Learning from the Streets) , One of the books I have been reading this year is this one

    The English Pastoral by James Rebanks. Its a true story about the changes in farming in the last 100 years, compared to the previous 1600 years, though there were changes in medieval farming, to rotational farming, and then with the intensity farming with the development of fertilisers, chemicals and so called efficiency. Do have a read. Its ultimately fascinating.

    One of the things he says towards the end of the book, and throughout is that farming is precedented on the ongoing quality of the soil and how this affects everything, crop growth, wildlife and ecosystems, all of which are important for the present and future.

    But what he concedes is that one of the principle tools that has brought the most disaster, ecologically, is the one piece of equipment that farming has relied on for centuries.

    The Plough.

    The plough breaks open the soil, exposes it to the harsh realities of the weather, disrupts nutrients and ecosystems. Its a staggering thing to admit for farmers (p239), it’s like saying that church buildings are harmful for Clergy or calculators for economists.

    So in understanding about the need for the quality for soil to be preserved that new, or maybe older ways of farming, and a change of tools is required.

    In our understanding of soil – there is a requirement, for a number of reasons to change the tools – if we want to restore, preserve and maintain the health of the soil. If farming pushes on regardless with chemicals, responding to profits and supermarket demands, the tools are items of destruction. But only if different motivations about the meaning of life, and the countryside and ecology are changed.

    So, what about us? As individuals? As Men..specifically?

    What about Emotional tools, rather than the physical ones?

    If our life is about the ‘bottom dollar’, work and efficiency – what might be the cost? And what tools do we use in dealing with emotions, when money and profit are the main motivation.

    I can say, that diverting, distraction, hiding, pretending were the tools I used for emotions, because that was the only option I had. They were the only emotional tools I had in my tool box.

    What are the tools you’re using, that without realising are causing long term harm? Is putting off dealing with difficult emotions your way of coping ? is it go through the motions of work, drink, sport, sleep and back to work again without any recognition of being a person with emotions – unless its about getting drunk and being angry? In the same way you might re decorate a room – what parts of you need some attention? Whats the quality of your soil like? Full of life? or dry? barren, lifeless?

    What damage was that doing to me? What damage might it be doing to you?

    Did I value the very thing all life stemmed from, the soil of my heart, my soul or mind? Did I love myself? What part of me was being destroyed – for the sake of what?

    Tools may have been given to us as children growing up, explicitly or implicitly about how to grow up, what was expected of us, what rules to keep, what to value, what to not – and for some of us those tools may well have been the suitable ones for life and to enjoy it, but thats not the case for everyone, when my therapist asked me what guidance I had growing up from my parents, I struggled – I knew what not to have done after the event, but tools for life? hmm not so sure

    We might still reach for the wrong tool, without knowing other tools are even available – new pain experienced, old tool grabbed for. Same pain or experience, same tool, same pattern, same again…and its ok…start to see the pattern…

    What tools did you receive – when dealing with emotions – that without realising are damaging you? Which are you trying to deny space to work and deal with? Are you avoiding? Are you digging a hole with the wrong tool? Or trying to cover over the cracks with a temporary grass , that looks good, but is ecologically disaster ?

    Other people, even those close to us, are giving us nods and hunches all the time that we have stuff to unlearn, to see differently, to have the nudge to change – they see things we dont always. A new tool might be required for a moment, that we might default into distract or divert, deny or depress – when it might be better to accept, to feel, to open up, to listen, to respond. Fear might keep us using old tools, loving ourselves, and others might help us to pick a new tool out of the toolbox, its not a hammer with a blunt edge, but a delicate chisel, to sculpt, shape, mould, gently.

    New growth in a farm without a plough takes time. Its the same as dig free allotment gardening. But, nature does recover. It just need humans to help it, not destroy it.

    Maybe its time to realise the damage of our old toolkit, thank it for what it brit, made and kept safe, but a new us requires new tools. Theres pain in throwing out the old equipment that served us well, but maybe its time for something new. What of your behaviours feels like the plough? And maybe thats the one to talk about, to be vulnerable about, to seek professional help about, maybe its time to put the nutrients into the soil and grow from goodness and depth.

    100th Post!

    Thank you for reading and sharing and liking my written work here on Healing for Men – ive just noticed that this is my 100th piece, so, I just wanted to thank you for all your encouragement and support. If you would like to make a small gift contribution please do click the link on the right. Thank you all

  • Confession: I was that person who thought self-care was for weak people.

    Can I confess something to you?

    I used to think all this was rubbish too. I fell into a trap of my own doing.

    Therapy was for weak people

    Thats what I thought.

    I didn’t need help, I helped others

    Critical of the sitting ‘doing colouring’ phenomenon of a few years back

    Id rather stay busy

    I dont need that kind of help

    Im ok

    Ill survive

    I always do

    And dont get me started on Enneagram or Myers Briggs, didnt want anything to do with them, id criticised their validity, and took out of them any helpfulness they could be.

    Though I wanted to help others, actually I also invalidated the help that they may have got

    I was the right one, and strong one, I could cope

    I was that person.

    I dont think I was ‘that’ person that thought ‘God could solve anything’ in that kind of evangelical way.

    But I was the person who invalidated ‘weird’ mindfulness or therapy or personality tests… or any of this

    Do blame the trauma creating counter dependency?

    Blame, no, because I can see how I got into that trap, but also I know I could have done or seen better

    Maybe id fallen into a trap somewhere of invalidating therapeutic help, self-care and emotions – so that I could stay trapped

    But I was that person.

    I also wanted to avoid the big stuff. So I was at the same time trying to invalidate the very thing I needed.

    No wonder that onion layer skin was a hard outer one.

    I wonder whether this is the same for many of us?

    Especially, but not exclusively men?

    We have to be strong and be seen to be – and strong means criticising the very things that seem weak and vulnerable?

    I didnt want to know about myself, I didnt think I was that important, I also didnt want to face up to what I might find….

    I helped other people in a job in which I supported others, young people, youth workers, even would be the kind of person who would take the ‘support’ role in conversations with clergy…who if I let them could ask me them…I had to be the strong one, I had to look like it, strong.. and in many ways, some of those strong things, maybe even emotionally strong at times (for others) were also weaknesses.

    We as men, and women, might fill our lives with the distractions of sport or work, and dive deeply into the intellectual pursuit of these things… as a way of hiding ourselves in them, or again, was that just me?

    But I was that person, I confess, I was that person who thought they didnt need help?

    But at the same time my inside was being knawed away as week by week and year by year my woundedness was what I was living, and masking this in helping others.

    So I get it , I really do.

    Stereotypically it took that life changing, breakdown moment, to start from, to rebuild.

    But before then I avoided and was critical of the very things I needed, the things that , especially therapy, and the many self care/help resources that I began to read and discover – were soul, heart and life changing.

    I thought I was strong, but had to become weak to realise that strength from being open to myself was the strongest strength of all.

  • Avoiding emotions is like driving with brake stuck on.

    Now I’ve done therapy, I can deal with everything, all the emotions!

    So when they arrive I know exactly what to do

    Disappointment, Anger, grief, self depreciation, annoyance, frustration, tick them all off, I just sit, breathe, and let wash through me like a shower of life’s joys and gratitudes.

    Do I fuck.

    Actually, I’ll make myself busy, I’ll keep moving, tidy, wash, clean, check social media, walk a bit, check social media again, alot, get a drink, check social media again, tidy, eat, maybe go for a longer walk, Facebook distraction, water the plants, watch something else, say I’ll switch off the screen, then open it a minute later, write a cute healing phrase on twitter, when I’m talking to myself and honestly..trying not to do it myself..

    And that’s not just the things I have to do, essential tasks…like work or family stuff..

    That’s what I’ll actually do

    Until I realise

    That I’ve been ignoring, hiding, avoiding

    Life is one big distraction of avoiding us being our real selves. The emotion police.

    But after I did therapy I thought I would be emotionally competent, feeler, healed and deal with it

    Turns out, I just know what I could do, but still have to make the right choices for myself to actually do them.

    40 odd years of abuse survival avoidance habits die hard. Though they were needed, and to be thanked.

    The last thing I want to do is deal with myself, yet the rewards for doing so are so much that I wonder why I put it off.

    It’s like driving a car with a fixed on brake, the brakes can come off and it drives better without, but it’s easier to keep going brakes on and not bother stopping to get it unstuck.

    Maybe this is a good metaphor to explore more, a brake being stuck on, might not show up as a warning light on the dashboard, but its a nagging feeling that something isnt intuitively right. You may be able to drive without fixing it, or put the stereo on to not sense it, but its still there. Intuitively , gut, something is provoking to be dealt with.

    It’s only when I stop, do I start again. Every moment of silence to listen to my own heart is a space of healing.

    I know what I need to do, it just takes a while to do it sometimes.

    What are you avoiding? What am I?

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy