Spiders, Clowns, Heights, Buttons, Spaces, The dark, Nuclear war, being bullied at school….

These weren’t the things I fear in most of my life. It wasnt things.

It wasnt just ‘that parent’ that gave me considerable terrors. Have a read of my story above for more.

That was bad enough.

That voice. Those footsteps up the stairs. That coldness.

But there was something else.

Something that I think we all fear at some point in our lives.

Was something I feared from the age of about 14

Even if we have half decent respectable parents – it can be that weird thing of starting to act like them when we get to ‘that’ age, or ‘that’ moment – often when we have kids of our own.

But what if your parents have been utterly abhorrent, in one way or another? What if they have been physically, emotionally or sexually abusive? What if they have few redeeming features at all? What if they are narcissistic/psychopathic to their core?

When we see those parents for who they are – the light dawns – and for me it was a fairly early age – but could do nothing about it – the fear becomes very real.

The fear is this:

How do I stop myself becoming anything like them?

And it plagued me.

It might plague you too.

That has been one of my biggest fears all my life.

Will I end up being abusive? Will end up treating others the same? Am I psychopathic myself?

Its a question I remember asking when I was still a teenager.

Will the pattern continue? and Am I likely to turn out the same?

how can I stop this? Will I be able to prevent it?

Theres something else that caused me to worry about this. Its that the same abusive parent would often suggest that I was just like them.

“We’re just the same James‘ she would often say – we both have this kind of personality, and I remember thinking, even then queasily, no I’m not – people actually like me, and I think I know how to be kind to people.

But have you ever had that situation where your abuser wants to alleviate themselves by saying that they’re not much different to you. Its like they’re trying to convince themselves, and yet at the same time be utterly bewildering at the time.

Youre just like me, Don’t you dare think you’re better than me, we’re just the same.

Oh the horror.

How to emotionally confuse , gaslight, me as I knew then, that I was and am nothing like them and have no desire to be, at all.

Yet with that fear in mind, what happens?

It’s complicated.

On one hand to try and not be like abusive parent, I become like other parent, accommodating, boundary less, unable to stand up for myself. In other words….too nice, helpful, open, and then walked all over..and also a shell of a person….. but on the positive… at least my fears aren’t realised….

Im just then a walking punch bag ready to be pierced with defence mechanisms so high.

Its like from over compensating in one way, I end up somewhere else – instead of damaging others deliberately, im damaging myself.

But was there any real alternative anyway? Thats what I had to do to survive the childhood with the monster anyway. Stay small, stay out of the way, and fearfully accommodate with eggshells like landmines.

Yet in another way, I would ‘end up’ like them… told you it was complicated.

In desperate attempts to be seen, heard, validated and affirmed…that never arise anyway – (so quit this when you can – emotionally immature parents cant give this, however hard you try) – I sort of end up in places of work that they might acknowledge and validate. This isnt unusual either, how many kids become vets because their parents are – how many children do this out of ‘trying to please’… ? So, subconsciously, I think, I end up working in churches and ministry for 20 odd years, a default on one level, and somewhere in there is a thought about deep conformity, as the older, trophy child.

So I would end up becoming ‘a bit’ like them, in the work that I do.

Id spend most of my lifer up until the age 40 wrestling with that voice in my head, that fear of ‘don’t be anything like your mum’ thing, I wouldn’t know how to stop it, and a torment of analysing my actions to assess my motives, my behaviours.

What I know now, is that kind of emotional trauma suffered by me , that I normalised to an extent, through childhood, has needed a place of safety, the reconnection with my family to share the common stories and name the abuse, the love of friends, and my partner Christelle, two, maybe more bouts of therapy, lots of books to help me see and understand everything. To realise now, though that I am not like them, because unlike one parent I have protected myself, and others from them, I am making others aware of them, and also the wider world aware of the effect of abusive mothers, and also reconnecting deeply with myself, to not be the shell, the mask even, that was.

They do say that if you are worried about becoming like that person, your own self reflection is likely to cause you to be very different, as this is often a quality they dont have. If you think you might end up being a psychopath, you’re not one.

That mask and shell might be the subject of a future piece.

Do have a look on the resources page for books and articles on emotionally immature parents, that I found useful, and you may do too.

Thank you for reading, please do like this blog, share with others who might find it useful, and if you can make a donation to my work, you can do do in the KO-FI link below. Thank you.