The dawning reality, that your life was a lie

One of the things I have had to come to terms with is that my life as a child was a lie. It took a while and wasn’t the first thing I started to see in the last few years as ive healed and undergone self awareness and therapy.

Thats the reality when I see what happened to me.

Though, I was aware of the weirdness of my parents, but….

 

It was a lie.

What I was told was a lie.

What I was told about other members of my family, was a lie.

What I was told to believe about expectations

What I wasn’t told about encouragment

What I was told to do was hold on to belief that divided

What I was told to do to show loyalty to someone emotionally abusive

What I was told to be

That truth told was a deluded reality

What I was encouraged to do about emotions

That life was about walking on eggshells and fear.

 

Dont listen to other people, they are the problem, no. the person who said this was.

Their toxicity needs getting rid of. No, Yours does.

They are the problem – no, your jealousy is

Theres too many gossips in this town – no theres too many people who have been hurt by you that you are trying to discredit

Stand up for yourself – but you’ll be in trouble if you dare stand up against me

They pick on me – No, you can’t see why others see you as unwelcome, shocking and abusive.

Soothe me and my emotional meltdowns – dont have your own feelings

Im trying my best to be a good parent – goodness doesn’t come naturally to the entitled.

 

 

It was all a lie. A lie cloaked in delusions and entitlement

A lie – cloaked in the truth orientated ‘world’ of evangelicalism. God is on our side.  

God the unseen presence, fear that terrified and controlled.

When your whole life was a lie.

A lie because the lies I had to believe were from the person who was meant to be the nurturer, protector, care giver.

A lie because that was the default. Nothing good, generous, positive, just a dominating wounded ego, bordering psychopathy.

A lie because emotionally immaturity, psychopathic externalising framed my entire upbringing.

For 40 years, my life was a lie.

How do I know?

Because those who were lied to started to tell stories. Those who had been divided by hatred and suspicion realised that they had been treated the same.  Reconciliation occurred with truth telling. Truth required risk.

But everything before it… was manipulative emotionally abusive lying.

At least I now know.

At least, im grateful… that truth sets people free. It really does.

Im grateful that I can see

That life begins in truth, at 42.

With love, and a family I never had.

Now I can see.