Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 8): I couldn’t do anything about it, but I knew.

Dad, Do you think theres an all powerful, sovereign, all knowing, overseeing, higher power, dominating force thats controlling all our lives?

Said the front of the Fathers day I sent to my Dad when I was about 13.

Inside it read;

Yeah, its Mum isn’t it?

It was the one occasion probably in my life where this was the perfect card to send. (Mothers day cards were impossible)

The thing that surprised me, is that they put the card on display on top of the microwave (don’t ask) for all to see. I guess when you’re that entitled, you dont mind that your spouses Fathers day card is all about you.

One of the things that enabled me to survive was that I could see it, and on this occasion Clintons Cards conveyed what everyone was thinking.

Part of my survival story was that I knew.

Even If as a child I could do anything about it. I still knew.

Even if I couldn’t articulate it to others, I still knew.

Even if I was trapped in an emotional minefield, I knew.

So knowing meant that I could disengage.

It meant I knew that what they said I didn’t need to believe. What I could do was listen, but not take in what they said. Though I couldn’t do anything about what she said or did. I at least had made an intellectual decision not to accept it.

The shutting off had begun.

But also, so had the realisation of what I knew.

I survived from then on by staying in my head.  That was the place that was safe. My head had worked things out. I had survived without emotional support (I was the rescuer of theirs remember).

Being able to discount them as useful, helpful or supportive was part of it too. But what I could see at that early age was the truth.

There was only 1 dominant force controlling all of our lives.

Though no one could do anything about it, and that person would be in denial of it. Everyone knew. That I knew helped me survive.

Breaking down in the last few years, meant getting in touch with what I left behind.

But knowing helped me survive.

Thank you for reading, Parts 1-7 are in the menu above. Do read and share if you think my story will help others. If you’d like to support me there are ways in the menu to the right, and theres resources also above in the menu, including links to books that have helped me.