Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 9): Pretending and Hiding

One of the ways of surviving emotionally immature parenting, in fact possibly the only way is to pretend.

Because, unless you fit into the role they have for you, you are in trouble. So, even if you don’t want to do something, you have to pretend, you have to lie to yourself.

And every time you do, your real self disappears just a little bit more.

So what was pretending like.

Pretending was putting on fake smiles in photos when the dreaded camera was used. Then awaiting the inevitable punishment for ruining the photo, especially if ‘the slide show’ was when they were revealed 6 weeks later, with house guests.

Pretending to respond with the right words, even if in saying them I knew they weren’t real.

When walking on emotional eggshells, the best way of surviving is staying calm. So pretending meant not being emotional, pretending meant going with the flow to keep the peace..when dying inside..trapped.

In was always aware that it felt like ‘other people’ felt things – but I didnt.

What I know now, is that I survived by not being me. Not being my core self. Nothing in my body or mind was going to let that be exposed.

So I pretended. Disconnected from what was real.

Its not just the psychopaths and narcissists who put on an act.

The survivors do to survive. To protect their heart. Protect themselves.

The weird thing is that looking back, my abusers didnt care about me being real, they were happy with me going through the motions, pretending.

I know I wasn’t good at pretending.

But it was what I had to do to survive.

Once children discover how self-disconnection takes away pain, they can use it for increasingly minor threats

(Lindsay C Gibson, 2019)

The healing part, is learning to reconnect with the parts of me I disconnected from. But thats for my healing journey..another time..

Thank you for reading, if you would like to read parts 1-8, they are in the menu above. There are resources in the menu and links to the books that have helped me.

Thank you again